I have come out to my wife not too long ago, come out to my friends as well but not to the rest of my family.
My mom is 67yo and lives with a chronic form of cancer, which makes her sick and she has endured quite a bit the past 2 years or so (including the death of my grandma). I don't know if I should come out to her or just leave things as they are without adding more stress to her life.
I live in a different country than she does and i see my her and my siblings about once a year or two, when I visit.
I have an older sister who is open minded but also very judgmental at times (she's married and has kids ages 18,15,10) and a younger brother whom I'm not sure that could handle such news well (after I came out as a "lesbian", 2 years ago, he became very distant).
Other than that part of my family, i also have two sons (ages 20 and 17yo), who also live in a different country than I do. Both my kids have mental and neuro-developmental special needs. My oldest, however, is succeeding in his studies and is pretty much independent (graduating this coming winter) and he's also the one closer to me, the one that likes to have deep chats and be in touch frequently. My youngest is a bit different. He was always closer to his dad, so I thought he would be ok when I move away, but when I did he started having problems with depression and is still working things out, so we're not in close touch by his decision, although he will be visiting me in 2 months time.
I really don't know if I should tell anyone in my family or not. I live in Germany with my wife, socially transitioning into the guy I am, now that I came out to her and my friends. I have been dressing as a guy for over a year now, cut my hair short about 8 months ago for the first time and slowly getting my life together.
My mom+siblings saw the way i dress and cut my hair and asked about it on a visit i had about 6months ago. My answer was something along the lines of "I like that I can look the way I want and feel comfortable with, now that I have a wife who loves me as I am and I don't have to please everyone around me but myself, like I did growing up and during my first marriage". I didn't go into more details nor have they asked anything further.
My kids saw the way i dress on their visit last year but back then my hair was still long and since then they saw me rarely in pics or skype. I have never talked to them about me feeling like a guy and I'm pretty sure they simply think I'm a butch lesbian.
My question is if I should tell them all soon or wait with it. I know in time I'll have to or will have a problem since my wife will call me by a different name and uses male pronouns, but should I do it before I visit them again or while? should I keep it from my younger son as long as possible since he's still going through depression? should i tell my siblings but not my mom?
These thoughts are driving me nuts. Any advice you may have would be appreciated.
