The way I feel about myself is getting worse

[Christine167]

I suppose it is dysphoria. And it is getting more difficult to deal with.
I'm so disgusted with my body hair that I wanted to rip it off in the shower today. I picked up my wife's razor to start hacking away at my leg hair but I stopped. Somehow using someone else's razor just seemed horrifically unhygienic. I ended up on my knees with my forehead on the far wall crying tears into my beard while the shower water started to get cold.

My wife keeps saying I'm moving/changing too fast but I don't see what she's talking about since I'm not on HRT yet and not dressing fem yet and I haven't even shaved this wretched beard off so that if can see my own face again. I haven't seen my lower face in more than four years. I'm trying to wait until next month before shaving my beard. I don't want to rush things with my wife since this whole thing is a sensitive issue right now. That said I'm dying to see how much of my younger face is left up under all the red hair on face and body.

I've never felt this way before about body hair and I feel that's only the beginning. This just seems so irrational and I'm having trouble coping with my feelings on this. Thanks for reading. It just felt good to get this out.

[gennee]

Perhaps it's time for you to see a gender therapist to help you sort things out.

[Christine167]

Perhaps it's time for you to see a gender therapist to help you sort things out.

I have been. It's not that I'm not getting help. It's that I feel my male self breaking down in ways I did not quite expect. At least not so soon. Thank you.

[Mariax]

I went through something very similar not long ago. Things which I had always put up with I could no longer stand, and it scared the daylights out of both myself and everyone close to me when I finally started saying "enough".

I tried to think of it as a time to reconcile with myself. It wasn't the first time I had had similar feelings. So, I decided to press on exploring them. This all came after a period of nearly a decade of trying to be someone I didn't want to be.

This doesn't mean I have any answers yet. But I am no longer afraid to go looking for them.

I hope for the best for you.

[Rachel]

Acceptance of yourself and the acceptance of yourself through your wife's eyes are the most challenging things for me to deal with. I feel your pain and I know your emptiness, hugs.

[Ltl89]

Christine,

Are you out to your wife?  It sounds like you are, but I'm not sure.  How does she feel about this?

For the record, if you want to shave you body hair, please do so.  I HATE my body hair and love getting rid of it.  Unfortunately, it seems to grow back fast as does my beard.  Taking biotin hasn't helped in this regard.  Still, it's always a great feeling to see a clean body and face after shaving.  If you want to shave, please do.  You won't regret it.  Of course, I suspect you're concerned about how your wife might feel, is that correct?

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Christine. This is very difficult. Can you give yourself credit for bearing up under very challenging circumstances. You're not only working on accepting yourself as a female in a male body but also keeping tabs on how your wife accepts it.

I agree that body hair is gross. Sometimes it is a consolation that cis women don't like it any more than we do and that hating one's body hair is about as authentic a FEMALE experience as one can have.

[Christine167]

At learning to live- Yes I'm out to my wife. She is less than happy about it right now. So such a quick change I worry might upset her.

Suzi thank you- I'm going to hold out a bit longer so that I can make sure I do it right. I haven't had a shave of even my face in years. Right now it's getting border line shaggy.

Thank you all. I really appreciate your comments.

[Christine167]

 
Salt block indeed.

My wife is fighting hard to keep me as a man. I have a hard time getting through to her without being mean that staying as a man just isn't going to happen. Last night she told me that it was like I was slowly killing her husband. I went to bed with that in mind and she woke me up at some point to say that she was sorry. But I can tell that she's not. Not really anyway. In either case I need to shave and practice being a bit more fem before heading out to Charleston for my first support group meeting next month.

You guys are right. I'm hacking this crap off ASAP. Maybe I'll leave her a salt block in the shower 

[Jess42]

Christine, I wouldn't get rid of the beard all at once, especially if you had it for four years. I used to have a goatee a long time back and had it for a couple of years. When I got rid of it all at once, holy crap. Where it was right after was extremely pale compared to the rest of my face and the next morning it was red and bumpy. It was pure misery for about a week. Best thing is get a beard trimmer and trim it almost all the way down and let the skin get used to fresh air, sunshine and toughen up a little for about a month and then shave. Same way with the body hair.

FYI, I hate body hair and I feel a lot cleaner without it. After I sweat, I don't feel sticky, grimy and nasty without it. Your right, it is dysphoria. It isn't irrational though even though it feels like it is. Just hang in there and find the sweet spot feels right for you.

[Ltl89]

Is she in love with your beard or something?  I personally don't see how women can stand those things. I dunnoh... again, salt block time.

Not that I like having one myself, but there is nothing bad about a man with facial hair.  Well, as long as it's well groomed or like a stubble thing.  Personally, I like guys to have at least a little stubble on them.  It makes them look more manly.  Okay... I should probably stop before I get too boy crazy,lol.

Salt block indeed.

My wife is fighting hard to keep me as a man. I have a hard time getting through to her without being mean that staying as a man just isn't going to happen. Last night she told me that it was like I was slowly killing her husband. I went to bed with that in mind and she woke me up at some point to say that she was sorry. But I can tell that she's not. Not really anyway. In either case I need to shave and practice being a bit more fem before heading out to Charleston for my first support group meeting next month.

You guys are right. I'm hacking this crap off ASAP. Maybe I'll leave her a salt block in the shower 

That's great Christine.  However, you may want to prepare your wife about the fact that you will be shaving.  It might be a big shock to her if you were to do it without telling.  Since she knows you're transgender, she will know why you are doing it.  It may make things easier for you to prepare her for each change you make.  I'm hoping all goes well.

[DrBobbi]

I lived this life for far too long. Each day you don't face your fears and start HRT is another day you hurt your wife, and yourself. HRT changes everything, and within a day, or two the dysmorphic OCD loop is broken. You're mind, if you're indeed trans, will start working the way it was meant too. You'll be calmer, sweeter, and sane. That's a hell of a lot better than kneeling in the shower and crying. It't time to man up and start HRT for both of you. In time she will come to understand, and even love you. I'm not saying that you'll have the ideal marriage, or that you'll remain married. Whatever happens will be for the best! Many wives do remain and gain a shopping buddy. Trust me. Estradiol has shown me the joy of being alive, of being authentic, and loved. I have reconnected with life. I started HRT May 7th and I already see changes, especially in the eyes and cheeks, and of course, skin.

Good luck :-)

[Emily Aster]

Is she in love with your beard or something?  I personally don't see how women can stand those things. I dunnoh... again, salt block time.

But I just have a hard time believing shaving your beard would be that big of deal, and it sounds like it would help you tremendously.

Maybe she views the loss of the beard as a step in the direction you'd like to head and figures as long as the beard stays, you won't do it and she won't have to deal with it.