Told my sister

[Terri]

Congratulations!  I definitely was more worried about feeling guilty or ashamed or embarrassed before I came out to my then girlfriend (now wife).  Her only response was, "Yeah, we'll how does that change things?".  Answer - it doesn't.  Accordingly the anticipated guilt, shame, etc. never even materialized.  What a waste of my energy.  I still do have this same worry about feeling guilty, or feeling embarrassed when it comes to telling my friends, siblings, etc. and I have not yet told any of them.  I'm working my way up to it.  It is my sneaking suspicion that the reaction will be much the same.  And, yes, it is totally natural and completely human to feel like it is your "dirty little secret" - if you never felt this way you wouldn't have kept it a secret in the first place.  I assure you, I know - I have felt and do feel the same way, and it is completely ok.  You will work through this in your own time and on your own path.  I'm trying my best to walk mine.

Could how you are feeling be tied to a worry that your sister will not keep your confidence until you are ready to come out to the rest of your family?  I know it's something I'm worried about.  Telling my sister - that's one thing.  Telling my brother or my mom is something totally different.  I know I'm worried that by letting my sister in she may start telling other people I'm not prepared to have know and then I'll completely lose control over who knows and who doesn't.  I guess that's the challenge with truly coming out.  We lose control because everyone knows.  That's the out part.  Scary.


Best wishes - Muah!  Again, congratulations!

[Terri]

Looks like we were typing at the same time - sounds to me like your sister likely kept your confidence but tried to give you a path - trying to help - I think I would let her know you aren't ready if you aren't and ask again for her to maintain your confidence until you are.  Either way - smile - shes showing you that she loves you and cares.

Xoxo - Terri

[Naomi]

Well, I suspect that my sister told my mother and other sister.  We had a very rare family dinner that was scheduled shortly after I came out.  She told me that she'd keep it to herself, but she kept urging me to come out at tonight's dinner.  All I can say was it was a very awkward night.  Nothing hostile however.  Still, I could just be paranoid because she told me that she wouldn't tell as I'm still not ready to confront my mother. 

It's weird, I still feel very ashamed and embarrassed.  I can't relate with the normal coming out stories of having a weight lifted off one's shoulders.  Instead, I feel terrible and and believe that everyone will see me as a weirdo.  I locked myself in my room for most of the day to avoid everyone.  I feel more trapped now that they know because I feel humiliated.  I guess I need to work on my confidence and learn to fully accept being trans. Even if I am, I still don't feel fully at ease with it if this is how I'm reacting.  I just hope it will get better in time because it's been a really really tough day.

Hey LTL,

So I planned for weeks on how to tell my mom and even then everything didn't go as I expected and I can't say that I really felt any better after telling her. However what I can say is that it opened the door for progress. It's been trying at times but I don't relent and with the help of seeing therapists, me being on top of new info, and always being firm with my decisions I'm slowly bringing her on board. Despite the fact that her perceptions have changed, she still loves me and because of that she is working to learn to accept the real me.  You have to be the judge but remember that parents need time and that the clock doesn't start counting until you tell her.

[Emily Aster]

Well, I suspect that my sister told my mother and other sister.  We had a very rare family dinner that was scheduled shortly after I came out.  She told me that she'd keep it to herself, but she kept urging me to come out at tonight's dinner.  All I can say was it was a very awkward night.  Nothing hostile however.  Still, I could just be paranoid because she told me that she wouldn't tell as I'm still not ready to confront my mother. 

It's weird, I still feel very ashamed and embarrassed.  I can't relate with the normal coming out stories of having a weight lifted off one's shoulders.  Instead, I feel terrible and and believe that everyone will see me as a weirdo.  I locked myself in my room for most of the day to avoid everyone.  I feel more trapped now that they know because I feel humiliated.  I guess I need to work on my confidence and learn to fully accept being trans. Even if I am, I still don't feel fully at ease with it if this is how I'm reacting.  I just hope it will get better in time because it's been a really really tough day.

That's why I haven't told my sister yet. Coming out to her is basically coming out to the entire county.

I have those feelings described in your second paragraph too. One the one hand, it's a major relief to me. Not because I said it, but because of other situations I find myself in where I'm sympathetic to people in similar situations and nobody knows that I'm actually in it. They sometimes get hostile about how I couldn't possibly understand, so on that side, it's a major relief that they finally get it.

On the other side, I don't feel shame in being trans when it's just me, but I do get the feeling of people looking at me funny after I tell them, like they suddenly start treating me different and that difference feels more like the special kid that's not quite there gets treated. It makes me feel uneasy too, but what's done is done. It took a long time to become comfortable with it behind closed doors, but it did happen. I'm sure it will happen among others as well.

[Ltl89]

Thanks everyone.

I talked with my sister and she said that she didn't tell anyone.  I don't know if that's really true, but I will take her at her word.  She's begging me to tell everyone though and I'm still not ready.  It's hard to describe, but I need more time.  One step at a time I guess.

I feel a little better about it today, but I'm still feeling awkward and ashamed.  Ultimately, I know that I'm still not 100 percent okay with being trans.  Even though there is nothing wrong with it, emotionally I haven't fully come to terms with that fact even if I accept mentally this is who I am.  I still struggle with some self loathing and need to confront this more as I proceed.  Yet, my sister is super supportive and wants me to get over my negative emotions.  While it's still difficult, I'm glad she is really trying to help me get over all the mental hurdles. 

[Ciara]

I'm glad that you feel a little better today. Your sister now knows and she is on your side. That is good.
You are right to take your time before taking things any further. You have been through quite a lot in the past couple of days. Once your feelings and emotions settle things will be clearer and you will then be better placed to make decisions.
Meanwhile, just take your time.
Love,
Ciara.

[Stefani2]

@learningtolive,

Omg, I've *been* there, with the embrassment and shame/humiliation.  I used to see (mostly older) transwomen and couldn't help thinking there was something wrong with them, and hating the idea that I was anything like them. I think what really helped me de-stigmatize it was finally accepting that we are the same. We suffer from the same condition. I guess in my head - because I thought being trans was "weird" - I sorta separated *myself* from it, and looked at myself as somehow *more* woman than other transgirls. It wasn't until I finally looked in the mirror and said "this is who you are" that I finally came to accept myself, and the fact that I'm trans. I'm not saying that it isn't still a struggle, and I, too, am still working on telling my family (but now it's mostly just because I'm worried about *them* thinking I'm a freak, not cuz I feel like one) but it's one I am slowly overcoming.

I now look at transwomen and don't see them as "women who used to be men", anymore. I see them as women who finally took that big step to become themselves. And whether they're young, old, "pass" or "don't pass", doesn't matter - I applaud them for their bravery.

It may help you to watch YouTube videos, as well, to see how many transgirls are just totally normal people, like anyone else. I have a zillion subscriptions to trans videos!

[Ltl89]

@learningtolive,

Omg, I've *been* there, with the embrassment and shame/humiliation.  I used to see (mostly older) transwomen and couldn't help thinking there was something wrong with them, and hating the idea that I was anything like them. I think what really helped me de-stigmatize it was finally accepting that we are the same. We suffer from the same condition. I guess in my head - because I thought being trans was "weird" - I sorta separated *myself* from it, and looked at myself as somehow *more* woman than other transgirls. It wasn't until I finally looked in the mirror and said "this is who you are" that I finally came to accept myself, and the fact that I'm trans. I'm not saying that it isn't still a struggle, and I, too, am still working on telling my family (but now it's mostly just because I'm worried about *them* thinking I'm a freak, not cuz I feel like one) but it's one I am slowly overcoming.

I now look at transwomen and don't see them as "women who used to be men", anymore. I see them as women who finally took that big step to become themselves. And whether they're young, old, "pass" or "don't pass", doesn't matter - I applaud them for their bravery.

It may help you to watch YouTube videos, as well, to see how many transgirls are just totally normal people, like anyone else. I have a zillion subscriptions to trans videos!

Oh, I am well aware that there are plenty of normal trans people.  I just have a tough time accepting that I'm okay and normal for being this way.  When it comes to others I'm fully accepting, but I happen to reject myself to some degree.   And even though I know there is nothing wrong with being trans, I do feel some sense of shame about it when it comes to myself.  It's just that society doesn't view us in the most positive light and that has infiltrated my perception of myself.  I need to get over this and I'm working on doing so.