Saying "goodbye forever" to someone you'll see in a few days

[suzifrommd]

Some background: With the end of the school year, I intend to present female full time after this weekend. I live with my wife and two teenage kids, though we're starting an unpleasant divorce process. I'm going away to a transgender health conference today and will be back this weekend and begin my life as a full-time woman.

As I was going to bed last night, my wife remarked that she was saying goodbye to me forever, because she'd never see my male self again. She also told me my 16-year old daughter was crying in her bedroom because she was losing her father. (It should be noted that my daughter and I are pretty close.)

I gave her the usual blather about how I'll always be the same person, I'm not going anywhere, I always was the woman I will now appear to be, never was the man everyone thought I was, I'm not changing who I am, just how I present to the world, yada, yada, blah, blah...

All that's true, but I know it's not that simple. My family is losing something and there's no way this won't be traumatic. But what are they actually losing? My very scattered feelings:

* Flattered that I'm such a great actress that my female self doesn't resemble my male self even in the eyes of those who know me the best.

* Disappointed that they're not happy that I can finally be the person I always wanted to be. (I know that's a lot to ask of them. But don't they ask a lot of me?)

* Puzzled and confused about what my daughter and wife (and son, though he hasn't said anything) really are losing.

* Frustrated that, even after I came out to them, they were never able to see through the male facade to the woman lurking beneath, which makes this such a big change.

* Scared that I really am changing and there's something vital that my kids will be missing once I live as a female.

Sorry this post is such a rambling mess. I'm sure most people here went through something similar.

Any answers? Thoughts? Experiences?

[Ltl89]

I think I can understand how your daughter feels.  She's known you as her father for her whole life.  While that isn't changing, it will take time for her to adjust and accept your transition.  In her mind, she probably fears that your relationship will change and that you will be a different person.  She doesn't want to lose her dad.  Even though she isn't, it's going to take time for her to see this. 

I really hope it works out in the end, and I'm sorry it's been tough for you.

[spacial]

* Puzzled and confused about what my daughter and wife (and son, though he hasn't said anything) really are losing.

I can think of what to say to your family. Pretty much as you're already done. But I get the feeling that you are looking for something for yourself here.

You say you're going to a TG heath conference? Hopefully you will meet people there, face to face, who will may have better support than can be offered here at this time.

How you manage your family is a matter for you though. Wish you well.

[Misato]

For my relationship with my SO I de-emphasize the female on occasion.  Tie my hair back, put on an old geek t-shirt cut for dudes and try to mask my boobs.  I, speaking only for myself, don't see why I should bother with emphasizing my female traits all the time when it is just her and I.

I know I'm lucky that my mind gives me the freedom to make my body look more manly.  I just take advantage of that for my relationship.

[Tessa James]

You are taking such a courageous step and it hurts to know that you may not have the support at home you need.  You have been so very supportive of others here and damn, it just not fair!  There are so many people that have challenges understanding that our basic values and character do not change.  While being so very vulnerable and honest we share more of the truth about who we are and how we feel.  You know this is a long term process and I trust your strength of character and love for your children will be manifest and eventually help them understand the value of supporting freedom of expression for all members of the family. 

Hugs,
TJ

[Shannon1979]

I think a lot of us say we havent changed. i Dissagree i think most of us do. not in a bad way though. In my case when i am female i have bucket loads more confidence that i had whaen presenting male. not much more i can say as imdoing the same thing next week (going full trime that is) but i can say good luck with it and i hope all goes well for you.

[Beth Andrea]

Suzi, those are concerns my ex has, and she says our kids have "lost their dad." I've just tried to keep the lines open, they are free to say anything and I won't deny or diminish their expressions of emotion, whatever it might be. If they're angry...they're angry. How may I help them? If they're sad, that's ok too...want a hug? What would you expect your dad to do, to cheer you up? (I've found that "I" am not the same person as "he" was...part of that is the DID, but also it's part of the difference between "being a man" and "being a woman"...we think and respond to emotions differently, often unaware of the differences. Yet, we feel we are responding in the same way...but although our responses may be the same, the outcome--the perception from others of our actions--is different)

A hug from a man is one thing...a hug from a woman is another.

On a good note...at least this is a confirmation that they are seeing you as a woman now. Thank them for that...

[JulieC.]

First I would like to say congratulations Suzi.  It's a huge step and I'm happy for you.
I am sorry it will lead to a divorce though.  I do understand how your wife and daughter feel.  And of course I understand how you feel as well.  We wish people would except us as who we are when we transition.  To us changing our exterior appearance to match our inner self doesn't change anything about who we are.  But to everyone else changing our physical appearance changes everything about who we are.  I also think it's a bit naive to think we will remain the exact same person.  I will only speak for myself but my personality changed a lot since I've started hrt.  I'm not full time yet but when I'm Julie...I'm a lot different person.  Sure I still like the same movies hobbies etc but it opens my world to things that were uncomfortable for me as a male.  I really think (actually hope) that when I do go full time I will loose the male part of my personality completely. 

[suzifrommd]

But to everyone else changing our physical appearance changes everything about who we are.  I also think it's a bit naive to think we will remain the exact same person.

I've found that "I" am not the same person as "he" was...part of that is the DID, but also it's part of the difference between "being a man" and "being a woman"...we think and respond to emotions differently, often unaware of the differences.

I think a lot of us say we havent changed. i Dissagree i think most of us do

She's known you as her father for her whole life.  While that isn't changing, it will take time for her to adjust and accept your transition.

Thanks for reminding me how much I really am changing. It's easy to lose sight of that amid the details. So it's not that they're losing me, but I'm changing, so they're losing parts of who I am, I suppose. I guess change always entails mourning. I should have seen it coming, but I'm not exactly head's up these days.

You have been so very supportive of others here and damn, it just not fair! 

Thanks TJ. When I read this, I knew you really understood.

You say you're going to a TG heath conference? Hopefully you will meet people there, face to face, who will may have better support than can be offered here at this time.

Actually, Philly Trans Health was useful. Some people had some really good stuff to say about communication styles and how to approach my family members.

Reading these comments really helps. Thanks everyone.