These are the exact thoughts I have, and they're part of what's been driving me mad lately. I look at old pictures of myself, and think, "Wow, I looked much better than I thought I did." I get depressed that I won't get the same attention I got as a female, ESPECIALLY while I'm starting to transition. If I could go from being a chick to being a hot dude overnight, that'd make me a LOT more certain in who it is I want to become. But the fact of the matter is that right now I feel genderless and therefore incredibly unattractive (I think if my acne weren't so bad I could pull off genderless much better like some people can). It's not that I necessarily want to be female. I just want to be wanted.
For whatever reason (maybe from spending my whole life learning how to be female), I still love female fashion and hair, and loathe the fact that I can't wear those things. I hate having boring guy hair, I hate how boring guy's fashion is in comparison to women's. And those thoughts also cloud my judgement on what I want to do with myself. But at the end of the day, I want to be male, whether it's a more drab life or not, and transitioning is just a necessary part of attaining that identity. As much as I love female fashion, I hate tight female pants, I hate bras, I hate bathing suits that expose every part of my body. I just hate the feeling inside myself when I wear those things. I've realized as much as I hate them on myself, I still love them on cis women. I still plan on dressing female here and there for a special occasion or something, although I'm not sure if I'll actually go through with it or not (I've done it once so far since cutting my hair off and my friend had already gotten so used to "guy" me she didn't know how to take it).
I think once I feel like a man, and can fit men's clothes, I'll be able to accept my transition a lot better. But as it stands, I hate seeing old pictures of me in girl clothes and makeup, knowing that I went from that to what I am today. I've covered up my full-body mirror to hide my female aspects from myself (which turned out to be kind of a mistake, as now I can't see the progress I'm making in my abs--oh well). I just want to forget that I was ever female, so that I can move on from here without any doubts.
I think people make the assumption that transgenders make the decision all on their own, like we one day wake up and think, "Hell, I'm sick of this, I want different genitals." But there's a lot of confusion in our own minds even after we decide to transition, just as there is confusion before we come to the realization that our current gender is what's making us unhappy. There is no black and white here, and that's what makes this such a hard life to live. It's the same confusion a person might face when trying to figure out their sexuality. Your mind isn't just going to tell you, "Hey you, this is how you feel," and that's that. If it did, psychology would be a much shorter lesson in school.
I think we're supposed to be confused, supposed to be left kept guessing. That's just part of life, whether you're trans, cis, gay, etc. Our moods change everyday and even those changes will affect our thoughts on these subjects. So maybe it's ok to want to dress female or male depending on your mood, while still wanting a male body. Cis men do it, don't they?
