Advice Needed! -- moving forward transition-wise without my parents

[KamTheMan]

I have a part time job, but my parents pay for my rent, tuition (when i go back to school), activities (climbing gym membership, concert tickets, travel,etc), and give me money when I really need it. Currently I'm struggling to overcome a drug addiction, only leave my house for food, medicine, gym, and the occasional concert or whatever by myself. I don't have any friends (tho I'm currently trying to meet queers and trans guys where i'm at in orange county) and the last (and only) time I had a girlfriend was five years ago. Since then I've only made out with one girl one time and it was a random party bus hook up. I've been confused about whether or not I'm a transguy since February of 2011, have been binding daily since Summer 2011, and going full time as male everywhere except with my family (I have no social life, so I mean anytime I meet a stranger I give a shortened version of my name that sounds male and I present as male and pass 99% of the time. my neighbors know me as male. i told the rock climbing gym i just joined to use my shortened name and had to tell my instructor to use male pronouns yesterday because my mom signed me up with my female name.) I'm scared that I might be fooling myself somehow, but I want to transition, and I can't function any longer looking the way I do. I'm just not letting myself be a productive member of society because I hate that I have to introduce this body to people. I want a male physique. I want top surgery. I want my baby cheeks and chin gone and a strong scruffy jaw to replace it. I want pecs and a six pac, wide lats, v lines and a happy trail. I want T. But my parents are not down for me being trans. At all. I've been thinking a lot lately of finding a place where I can get affordable or free T (I'm on my parents insurance). But I don't know what they would do if I started without telling them. And I'm scared they'd do everything in their power to stop me (like cut me off) if I do tell them I need to start T. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of being a hermit. I want to be proud of who I am and what I look like and this female body isn't cutting it. Does anyone have any advice?

[Arch]

Are you old enough to be considered an independent student? I think that's what you have to do to qualify for financial aid that is not based on your parents' contribution. Going back to school, under the right circumstances, could be your ticket.

Have you any savings or assets at all? I think your first step would be to start making a plan in case they did cut you off. Have a car (if you need one) and a bank account, both in your name only. Save every penny and have a good fund. If you don't make enough, cut back on the occasional luxury and/or see if you can get a few more hours at work. Look into financial aid. Also remember that a some colleges will cover stuff like HRT and even top surgery. Most have counseling services as well.

If you really think you want to start transition and don't want your parents to have a hold over you, you have to be willing to let them go and not rely on them. A lot of parents come around eventually, so even if they do cut you off, it might not be permanent. But you ought to prepare for the worst. My two cents' worth.

ETA: Some of us find that the drug, alcohol, and self-harm cycles go away or drastically reduce once we are being seen as our real selves. Do you think your drug issues are related to your trans issues?

[Jack_M]

As someone who moved to a different country on the other side of the globe to be rid of the pressure of parents I think the best thing to do is weigh up the pros and cons on a personal level.

For me personally, I miss my siblings every single day, but everything else just outweighs that loss.  I'm finally me.  I found it really hard to cut the cord but I have.  My coming out letter is being sent the very same day I start T (tomorrow!)  I figure that way I'm committing and they can't stop me.  I mean logically, sure, I could stop after one shot but for me getting that first shot is my commitment and I'm not going back on it, so whether my parents accept (doubtful) or not, the ball is rolling and no one's making me stop.

As for affordability, I wouldn't say T is that expensive.  The way I see it, cutting down on just a few luxuries more than covers the cost.  I'm starting at a low dose so I know costs aren't set but I got a 3 month supply for $45.  That's just $15 a month.  As soon as I knew that cost I started thinking of ways to save.  If I maybe cycle instead of take the bus just 7 times.  Or I don't eat out just one day that month, that's the cost covered!  Now sure, it'll go up a little more but then I just adjust to suit.  Getting your finances in order and learning to save is what will make you thrive.  Start budgeting everything in your every day life so that you have a profit that goes into savings every month.

My parents don't pay for me at all and they haven't since I turned 17.  But trust me, where there's a will, there's a way and I'd look into financial aid options and see what's out there.  Get a part time job that's not going to mess up your studies too much and live YOUR life.  If you don't already have a job, that may well help you with the social skills needed to make more friends too.  You can get a lot more out of part time work than just a pay check.