Afraid of Masculinizing More...

[Keira]

My dysphoria has been terrible lately...and Im still only on a mid dose of Spiro...

I'm freaking out...I don't want my face and my body to keep masculinizing...

I think I've almost cried twice.

I'm almost ready to go back in to my doctor and tell him how he's damaging my body by not prescribing me full hrt...las visit he blew me off by saying we'll wait another month to see if you have any reactions to the spiro.

I'm starting to lose it...

PS- I'm 19.

[xchristine]

Northern health bus goes to Vancouver.. for cheap...

If you want it bad enough there are ways....the can't mentality
Had to be thrown out with transition

Anything is possible...

I wil be using the norrhern health bus and greyhound for
Cheap travel....
Plus I work I a camp which there areots around your area...

We have lots of options. ...maybe even medical travel paid for ..
Expand your horizons...if it's $$$   go. Work in the camps...

Its amazing the sacrifices I am making and I made it happen so
Can you

[Keira]

At this point I'm just trying to hold myself together, I don't have the strength to do any of that. And it seems like the medical providers don't give a flying f*** what happens to me.

If I kill myself..."oh well, how does that affect me?" Says the doctor...

[Devlyn]

Reality check.

1.  I don't think your doctor said that.
2.  Until recently, nobody had access to HRT.
3.  You don't have the strength at 19 to work and save for your own transition??

We're here for you, but c'mon. Hugs, Devlyn

[Keira]

Reality check.

1.  I don't think your doctor said that.
2.  Until recently, nobody had access to HRT.
3.  You don't have the strength at 19 to work and save for your own transition??

We're here for you, but c'mon. Hugs, Devlyn

1. No, but it's implied from their actions.
2. And yet access to hrt is crappy.
3. I have the money, I have worked and saved for months. It's just that Im gradually losing the will to live.

I guess I shouldn't be complaining on here...maybe I should leave, I don't know.

[Devlyn]

Just tackle one issue at a time, everything looks like a mountain if you pile it up. Hugs, Devlyn

[Jess42]

First off, slow down Skye-Blue. I think the only thing that changed from 19 until now is that I look older. Your 19 and have a lot more years to go.

When it comes to medication a lot of doctors will start you on a low dose and then step it up a little at a time. I don't know how long you've been on it but there is probably a reason your doctor is wanting to monitor the dosage and see how your doing before upping it. It could be another patient that had a side effect from it. It could be the recommendations of the pharmacuetical company. Could even be the Doctor's preference. I can never stress it enough but ask questions of your Doctor if you have them.

I know it's hard to listen to me say have patience because I remember the age of 19 and how impatient I was over everything. But... have patience. It truly is a virtue.

[Keira]

First off, slow down Skye-Blue. I think the only thing that changed from 19 until now is that I look older. Your 19 and have a lot more years to go.

When it comes to medication a lot of doctors will start you on a low dose and then step it up a little at a time. I don't know how long you've been on it but there is probably a reason your doctor is wanting to monitor the dosage and see how your doing before upping it. It could be another patient that had a side effect from it. It could be the recommendations of the pharmacuetical company. Could even be the Doctor's preference. I can never stress it enough but ask questions of your Doctor if you have them.

I know it's hard to listen to me say have patience because I remember the age of 19 and how impatient I was over everything. But... have patience. It truly is a virtue.

What do you mean "You have a lot more years to go".

My doctor is paranoid that he's going to do something wrong and I'll break like a piece of glass...I've been on spiro for a month and a half with no ill effects. He keeps telling me "Im not qualified", and then tells me that I should fly to Vancouver, which will cost me a fortune (in both time lost from work and room and board)

Meanwhile I have given him enough information to prescribe and monitor my hrt...

Wtf am I doing wrong here!?!?!!?

I am so done with all this...there is no feasible solution.

[Noah]

I understand your feelings perfectly. This is a serious issue and you deserve to have a say in your treatment. A lot of doctors have no idea how to really treat us, and they're scared of what were doing so they go unnecessarily slowly.

I'm not suggesting that your doctor doesn't care or that HRT isn't a serious endeavor, one that requires medical surveillance to assure the treatment is not ruining your body. I know those things are true. I urge you to know that, too. That being said...

You need a doctor that is on your side. You need a medical provider who is making you feel safe and cared for and who has prioritized your wellness.

The criticism by the other ladies above is understandable, they want you to recognize that a lot of what you're going through is panic but that some if that panic is not rooted in reality.

You have started HRT. You will not masculinize in any noticeable way in the next few months. 19 is a prime age to begin treatment. You are very fortunate to be receiving care at this young age. Be patient. Remember that you are on the right path and that you will be OK.

This doesn't mean your grievances are uncalled for. You understand all too well how dire transition is for the transgender woman. I understand you Need this. Assert yourself with your doctor, express your concerns. If you don't feel like he is respecting you or taking you seriously, look elsewhere for medical care.

I don't think it is wise to assume that gatekeepers like your doctor understand trans issues or are moving at a health conscious pace. It is also not wise to assume that HRT is a game or that you can not seriously damage your body with this medication. It is all too possible to ruin your body with HRT so that you can not continue treatment with HRT in the future. I'm not trying to scare you, I just want to be sure you understand the severity of self medication or anything like that.

It's a balance. And I'm sorry you haven't been heard in your own thread. I hear you. I understand. And if you feel like you might or want to hurt yourself - please reach out. You are loved you are listened to and I want you to know you're going to be ok and that this moment will not last forever.

love
Di

[Jess42]

What do you mean "You have a lot more years to go".

My doctor is paranoid that he's going to do something wrong and I'll break like a piece of glass...I've been on spiro for a month and a half with no ill effects. He keeps telling me "Im not qualified", and then tells me that I should fly to Vancouver, which will cost me a fortune (in both time lost from work and room and board)

Meanwhile I have given him enough information to prescribe and monitor my hrt...

Wtf am I doing wrong here!?!?!!?

I am so done with all this...there is no feasible solution.

Your only 19 hon and have a lot of years left before your sitting on the porch in a rocking chair and put out to pasture.

I really understand about not wanting to fly to Vancouver. I hate long trips and the costs.

I don't know why he says you're not qualified. Have you been to a therapist? I am asumming the Doctor your seeing is your GP since you talk about prescriptions. GP's alone usually aren't the route to take. A therapist can probably help you more on this matter since GPs usually aren't very qualified in psychological matters.

Skye-Blue, as for what your doing wrong, I haven't a clue of what if anything. The only thing I can suggest is question your doctor on everything. Me personally, every thing a doctor suggests or wants me to do I question. Medications, I want to know side effects, what is supposed to do and so on. I pretty much keep him or her in the room until I am satisfied and understand everything. After all, I am paying them and paying them good to provide a service and I expect to be happy with what I pay for. Even if you are impatient to get started, don't let it show. Let them do their jobs.

Above all I would suggest seeing a licensed therapist over a GP. Even one that isn't really knowledgeable in transgender issues can point to someone who is almost all of the time.

[Devlyn]

Rockin'chairs are underrated!

[Keira]

Your only 19 hon and have a lot of years left before your sitting on the porch in a rocking chair and put out to pasture.

I really understand about not wanting to fly to Vancouver. I hate long trips and the costs.

I don't know why he says you're not qualified. Have you been to a therapist? I am asumming the Doctor your seeing is your GP since you talk about prescriptions. GP's alone usually aren't the route to take. A therapist can probably help you more on this matter since GPs usually aren't very qualified in psychological matters.

Skye-Blue, as for what your doing wrong, I haven't a clue of what if anything. The only thing I can suggest is question your doctor on everything. Me personally, every thing a doctor suggests or wants me to do I question. Medications, I want to know side effects, what is supposed to do and so on. I pretty much keep him or her in the room until I am satisfied and understand everything. After all, I am paying them and paying them good to provide a service and I expect to be happy with what I pay for. Even if you are impatient to get started, don't let it show. Let them do their jobs.

Above all I would suggest seeing a licensed therapist over a GP. Even one that isn't really knowledgeable in transgender issues can point to someone who is almost all of the time.

I live in a VERY small town, and there are no transgender experienced therapists.

My therapist is actually a counsellor who has pretty extensive training. I'm just afraid that he's going to hold back my transition as well.

My GP actually wanted to prescribe me cyproterone acetate, but I didn't want to take the risk of killing my liver. I'm regretting not getting androcur...this spiro isn't strong enough.

I'm actually lucky because my doctors appointments are covered by Canadian MSP insurance, and so are my blood tests.

I just think it's totally unreasonable that I should have to fly off every time I have to get my dosage changed...

[Keira]

What are your other options then?

I could pay $450 for two Skype sessions with a therapist, and assuming I "qualify" for hrt I will be given a letter, which I can then give to the local endocrinologist assuming they are willing to treat me.

I feel like my life is just one big assumption...

[kyh]

I could pay $450 for two Skype sessions with a therapist, and assuming I "qualify" for hrt I will be given a letter, which I can then give to the local endocrinologist assuming they are willing to treat me.

I feel like my life is just one big assumption...

That $450 will be an investment in your future, if you choose to take this option.

I don't mean to judge you, but do you have a job? Seems like you're going to need one, because it's always going to cost you more to get proper healthcare than someone like me, seeing as you live in such a remote area.

[Keira]

That $450 will be an investment in your future, if you choose to take this option.

Which is assuming that I can get a letter from said therapist...if I can't...well the result won't be pretty to say the least.

[kyh]

Which is assuming that I can get a letter from said therapist...if I can't...well the result won't be pretty to say the least.

Why wouldn't you get it? Are you in some way argumentative or weary or shy when speaking about trans issues with therapists and doctors? If not, then you shouldn't have a problem. You *are* trans after all. Any competent gender therapist can see that, unless you're guarded and don't open up to them.

[Keira]

Why wouldn't you get it? Are you in some way argumentative or weary or shy when speaking about trans issues with therapists and doctors? If not, then you shouldn't have a problem. You *are* trans after all. Any competent gender therapist can see that, unless you're guarded and don't open up to them.

In summary...Im f****** terrified of therapists and doctors...

They hold my life in their hands, they have all the power, I have none.

[Sarah Louise]

If you show that feeling of "terror" to the doctors they will continue to hold you back.

[Keira]

If you show that feeling of "terror" to the doctors they will continue to hold you back.

Yeah...sigh*...I know

But I can't do anything about it...

I feel like Im being pushed around...

[Jess42]

Rockin'chairs are underrated!

I agree. I'm sitting in mine now. Never cared for knitting though.