Help! My therapist said I am not ready, what can I do?

[cutehappyjackie]

Help! After I said I want to change my gender to have a farewell to my past trauma and start  a new life. My therapist said I am not ready, what can I do? I am dying to have HRT.

[King Malachite]

Go to another therapist or ask her/him why does she/he say that you aren't ready and try to prove to her otherwise.

[eh-lyssa]

Help! After I said I want to change my gender to have a farewell to my past trauma and start  a new life. My therapist said I am not ready, what can I do? I am dying to have HRT.

Sounds like a gatekeeping therapist. I would find a new one.

[Matthieu]

This can go either way.  Either your therapist genuinely has your best interests in mind,  or she doesn't.  Either way you've obviously developed some animosity towards her so seeking a new one would probably be the best bet.  Good luck either way.

[warlockmaker]

They are pro and needing more time to make that decision to start HRT is resonable. If you now feel you dont like this therapist then find a new one that you feel comfortable with.

[Jess42]

Help! After I said I want to change my gender to have a farewell to my past trauma and start  a new life. My therapist said I am not ready, what can I do? I am dying to have HRT.

I would definately listen to the therapist. With what you said about saying farewell to your past trauma, your therapist is probably thinking that you maybe running from your past. If your therapist said your not ready, take it to heart especially if they are experienced with gender identitiy issues. He/she probably believes it would be better to face your past and get closure on that aspect and then see if you feel the same. You're not ready and you're not really trans are two different things. Even if and when you do transition, the past never goes away. All we can do is face it, accept it and get closure from it.

[kelly_aus]

I'd be enquiring as to why your therapist thinks you are not yet ready - and then taking action on their response.

Sounds like a gatekeeping therapist. I would find a new one.

This is very much the default response around here and I wonder why? Frankly, based on the info provided by the OP, there's really no call for this kind of comment. Perhaps the therapist feels that the OP does have some more to work through, perhaps the the therapist is a gatekeeper.. Without further info, we'll never know.

I would definately listen to the therapist. With what you said about saying farewell to your past trauma, your therapist is probably thinking that you maybe running from your past. If your therapist said your not ready, take it to heart especially if they are experienced with gender identitiy issues. He/she probably believes it would be better to face your past and get closure on that aspect and then see if you feel the same. You're not ready and you're not really trans are two different things. Even if and when you do transition, the past never goes away. All we can do is face it, accept it and get closure from it.

Here's a +1 for a sensible and well thought out response..

[Jess42]

Thanks Kelly. I know how therapist tend to think. I see a therapist for depression and anxiety and have a little background in the area of psychology to know a little bit of how it works and unfortunatley dodge a lot of possible "self discoveries". I've even had one give up and that isn't a very good blow to a person's self image or condition.

[Emily Aster]

I'd at least make an effort to find out why they don't think you're ready and if it's reasonable, to address it. If it's reasonable, there's probably a good chance that any other therapist would say the same thing and you'll be back at square one by switching.

[Shannon1979]

Having had some considerable experience with therapy services, particularly for personality disorder. I can say that from my experience most therapists of whatever kind are genuinely trying to help people resolve issues. Sometimes therapists may can even seem hearltess when they tell people things they don't want to hear. As has been said above talk to the therapist ask why. Im sure that they will be quite willing to discuss this. but remember to stay in a calm frame of mind. It may be that they just feel that you need a little more time to be absolutly certain this is what you want. Remember this is not a decision to be taken likely and that goes out to everyone including myself.

[Danigrl]

Talk to your therapist a bit. See what help and guidance they have to offer. Above all, take your time. I know you feel the need to hurry this along, but its not something you want to do in a hurry. One baby step at a time. You'll get there.

[aleon515]

Well not sure what to make of this. I tend to be opposed to therapists making decisions. I personally don't feel that it is their place to do this. There are therapists out there who do not believe in transgender, some seem to go into the field to try and keep people from transitioning (Dr. Zucker is one, more infamous one). With such a therapist, you can be in therapy for months or even years (heck it is profitable) without being referred. Some seem to get into doing "tests" to prove or disprove that someone is ready. AFAIK, there are no tests for transgender, not valid ones anyway.

OTOH, this therapist may have legitimate concerns which are expressed in a paternalistic type style, imo. So while personally I wouldn't be comfortable with such a therapist, you might see what this person has to say. I would ask for specific info about why and so on.


--Jay

[Rachel]

I was lucky to use an informed consent model. Odd thing, I signed no papers and there was not check list. I was prescribed HRT from a Physicians Assistant. With that said, I had 2 social worker sessions, and 20 therapist ( associated with the center) session and 3 Physician sessions. The time period was over 6 months prior to HRT. The process is pretty thorough and I was a strong candidate for HRT from jump.

FYI, my therapist teaches the trans subject of U of P, works at a LGBT center, is bi and is married to a trans man. So, she knows her stuff as does the Social Worker and the Physicians Assistant.

[henrytwob]

I think it is completely reasonable to ask the therapist his or her reasoning and what it would look like if you were ready. While Alon has a great points, I hope the majority of therapists seeing trans clients are not opposed to transitioning. i'd certainly figure out where the opinion is coming from. I also agree, this is not something that should be rushed.  Good luck.

[E-Brennan]

While I speak from very limited experience, therapy is highly effective when it helps you reach your own decision by asking the right questions, and highly ineffective when it tells you what the answers are supposed to be.  There's nothing wrong with a therapist making sure you're sure.  That said, I think it's also absolutely necessary to trust your therapist and if this one is not working out for you, find one that does work out.  But don't go shopping for a therapist who will just rubber stamp your decision - if that's the case, then you're missing the whole point. You can always find a medical professional with subpar standards who will happily give you the answers you think you want in return for your money.

I'm far happier now that I've realized these questions don't have to be answered overnight, and that these issues might take years to work through.

[aleon515]

I was lucky to use an informed consent model. Odd thing, I signed no papers and there was not check list. I was prescribed HRT from a Physicians Assistant. With that said, I had 2 social worker sessions, and 20 therapist ( associated with the center) session and 3 Physician sessions. The time period was over 6 months prior to HRT. The process is pretty thorough and I was a strong candidate for HRT from jump.

FYI, my therapist teaches the trans subject of U of P, works at a LGBT center, is bi and is married to a trans man. So, she knows her stuff as does the Social Worker and the Physicians Assistant.

HEY what's going on here?! The Twilight Zone?  I get my T from a PA. It's more or less on informed consent. There was no check list. I've had about 6 months of therapy before I started taking T, and my therapist is a trans guy who I see the Trans center. I feel I was really lucky too. I really found therapy valuable, and am really glad I have done it. But I would really not like to be bound to it. I liked that I have had the freedom to do it or no, and not felt that I have had to impress the therapist in some way that I am "trans enough".

@henry-- I am pretty sure the majority of gender therapists are not against transition, but people should be aware that this exists. There are therapists that go into this to get people not to transition. There are also therapists that are more damaging than helpful.


Years ago, I went to therapists (not a gender therapist) who told me I should be more feminine and be comfortable in my feminine identity,  and so on. It's possible to go to therapists who are not helpful. I don't know how to tell one from the other from a post, nor  should I. OTOH, it's your money. I think you should ask questions and be active/not passive in your therapy. I am not comfortable with an statement like that, but it's just me, nor am I comfortable with someone who would tell me I WAS ready or who encouraged me to transition. I just think it's your decision. But whatever it might be-- you need to ask questions and talk to this person.




--Jay

[Catherine Sarah]

In my humble opinion, I'd listen to your therapist and ask why you are not ready.
The way you have couched this brief post, appears to suggest you want to change you gender to escape past trauma, without dealing with it.

This is NOT the way to approach transition. Transition WILL change EVERY fibre in your body, mind and soul. If you are not ready for such a dynamic change, and still have past "baggage" lurking the the background unresolved. That's an instant recipe for disaster. Remember, 20% of post operative people commit suicide. This is SERIOUS business.

Be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine