Being Open

[Simon]

There were a lot of years that I was extremely stealth. I would deny the fact that I was trans unto death. As I get older, calmer, and just indifferent I have relaxed about it a lot and oddly enough found out that my life has become easier contrary to my previous notions. It's freeing in a way to just not care so much anymore. It is making me more comfortable and accepting of myself. However, I doubt I would ever go any farther than being quietly indifferent. Basically I don't want people to know but if they do it's not the end of the world. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell anyone. I wouldn't even be sure how to go about living my life that openly.

That being said, there is something admirable about transguys who are self confident enough to live their lives openly to their own satisfaction. I'm not talking about being flamboyant or attention seeking. I'm talking about guys who live their lives openly with friends and others they deem worthy of such personal information. I can imagine how free and comfortable that must make them feel.

For those of you who do live your lives openly, what is it like? Do you feel like your life is easier or do you ever feel vulnerable with others knowing something so personal about you? How do you decide who to tell and why do you pick them? Do you ever regret your choice to live openly?

[Nicole]

sorry to butt in on the F2M board.

I've been living in stealth with only family members and 2 of my friends knowing. I with mum moved not long after coming out and when I went back to study it was full time. I was also on blockers at 16, HRT at 18.

Sometimes I do feel like I'm living a lie and that if I was open life could be even better (its bloody great now though), but at the same time I think I've left it far too late to be open with them.

I've told past loved ones/lovers that I cannot have babies and all have been fine with that, if questioned I tell them "its something I was born with and I get upset about it". All have not even tried to question it past that.

I think if you pass 100%, thats in & out of clothes you should be who you want to be and tell people whatever you feel will make you happy.
I'm not sure if you've had top or bottom yet, if you want to or don't, but if you pass, if you're happy and you're not hurting anyone, you do what you feel is right for yourself first, then others second.

Nic

[chefset28]

Unfortunately I cant tell you about life as an open trans yet, but I couldn't live with myself if I was completely stealth.  I don't intend it as any form of insult but I know how stressful it is to live a lie (I guess that came out wrong). I grew up trying to please my parents and be as girly as possible because that is what was expected of me. Once I came out as a lesbian and embraced a more butch look I found I am so much more comfortable with myself. I'm glad that you are more accepting of yourself now and hope that this helps relieve some stress from your life.

[Simon]

I couldn't live with myself if I was completely stealth.  I don't intend it as any form of insult but I know how stressful it is to live a lie.

I don't think stealth people are "living a lie". Everyone has to be where they're comfortable with this. It's not easy either way really...none of this is easy. It's all about finding your place in the world and making it as easy for yourself as it can possibly be. For the longest time I felt like I didn't want to transition to be seen as a transman. I wanted to transition to just be seen as a man. I am still like that and my life isn't a lie. It's complicated and often frustrating but a lie it's not. I'm just getting to the point where I'm tired of caring about it and what people might think if they found out.

There is just so much talk about being stealth...either against it or like it's the holy grail. I want to know what it's like on the other end.

[aleon515]

I'm very out. Not that I wear a sticker or anything.
I just feel that I am in a place to be able to do this in my life. Also I live in a pretty liberal area wiht a really supportive community and lots of "out" trans people, which helps. Not sure I could do it without that. The hardest thing I have had really is that I am transitioning where I have been. So people remember me as being female (or so they think anyway). It isn't really about being "out", but most people who are "out" don't move when they decide to transition.

I am not against being stealth, and almost feel that people I know who are stealth are wired a bit differently  (perhaps more binary and so on), so how could I be against it? I actually hate the term-- as it sounds like it implies dishonesty. Why would you need to apologize for not saying you are trans. And there are places in the world where it would not even be safe to be out.

It's an interesting question as there are many more on how to be stealth and problems with being stealth. But there is being open and it has it's own unique challenges and so on. Not as many people are talking about it, tbh.

--Jay

[dreaming.forever]

As I can't bind anymore, I don't pass all the time, so technically it wouldn't be possible for me to "go stealth." Even if it was, I'd still live the same way, though.

I don't mind people knowing I'm trans. That's not a big deal to me. I don't like having to explain it, and I occasionally have bouts of paranoia about whether one person or another has somehow found out what my girl name is--which, to my dismay, is still my legal name til I get $350-ish to change it, and is one of the girliest names in existence--but other than that, I'm happy with being openly trans.

During my teenage years, I had to hide a lot of the major things about myself merely to avoid getting kicked out of the parents' house--my gender identity, my sexual orientation,* my religious beliefs, etc--so it's quite freeing and nice to be able to proudly say, "Yeah, I'm trans," or "Yeah, I'm gay," or whatever else.

The more I can tell the truth about myself, the better I feel. I wouldn't trade that for a life where people assumed I was a cis-male; sure, it'd be nice to never have anyone question my masculinity, but I'd rather just be open about myself.


*Went through a brief "omg I must be a lesbian" phase before I realized it was my gender that was making me feel weird about dating guys, not my sexual orientation.

[Robert Scott]

I have transitioned late in life .... I started at 40....so it's next to impossible to be stealth.  I don't introduce myself and say that I am transgender but it's not anything I try to hide.  I am applying to job and such ... I don't identify as transgender and when I am in the interview I don't disclose.  It's just the way it is ... I am stealth to strangers or acquaintances but most everyone knows.   

[chefset28]

I think a better phrasing for that would be: living with secrets...   I didn't intend to say that living stealth is a lie, more that there is a big thing or part of what made you who you are that for one reason or another, you feel can't or shouldn't be known by others.  Personally I don't think that I will ever deny having been born female because that is part of me and has helped to shape who I am today.  I worry about the psychological toll it would take on me if I were keeping this a secret.

   I am sorry that what I said came across that way, I didn't mean to upset or insult you or anyone else's choices that they have made in their life.

[Simon]

I am sorry that what I said came across that way, I didn't mean to upset or insult you or anyone else's choices that they have made in their life.

No need to be apologetic. I wasn't offended and doubt anyone else was. I was just stating where I was coming from with all this.

I think a lot of trans people set out to be one certain way (open or stealth) and end up having to cross over to the other side, at least on a temporary basis. Every stealth person has lived a time when they couldn't hide it. At some point an open person has the option to not disclose. I really think for most of us (especially those who haven't had top or bottom done) live a mix of the two realities if we like it or not. Granted for the post op top stealth transguy who has been on T a few years would never willingly disclose but one medical event could change all of that. Not permanently but they would still be required to disclose to someone.

For myself I'm starting to get comfortable being indifferent. Maybe I should start that as a category. We can have the stealth, open, and "whatever" guys, lol. Nahh, I do care more than that. I'm just not stressing anymore. I'll deal with it as it comes. Que Sera Sera.

[spacerace]

For myself I'm starting to get comfortable being indifferent. Maybe I should start that as a category. We can have the stealth, open, and "whatever" guys, lol. Nahh, I do care more than that. I'm just not stressing anymore. I'll deal with it as it comes. Que Sera Sera.

I'll join the whatever club with you Simon.  I don't want being trans to define everything else I do in the rest of my life, but I recognize there are immense benefits to exposing people to what it means to be trans to make progress towards alleviating certain problems that plague the public perception of trans people.

I don't know what the right balance is. It seems once someone who isn't close to you knows about you, it is a lens they view everything else about you through. Once they know, you become that trans person. I wish that was avoidable while still removing the paranoia of 'being found out'. 

Yet  - telling them would break down that reaction for others going forward, otherwise it just reinforces the ignorance cycle.  So no easy solution once again.

[Adam (birkin)]

I'm perfectly happy in the times where I am stealth. I did wonder if one point I'd feel like I was lying, but that was before I was passing well. So, at that time, trying to "hide" that I was born female felt really difficult because there'd be people who'd question my appearance. but now, people see male by default, and it feels like more effort to disclose, explain, blah blah. I don't like being seen as trans anyway, I only want to be seen as male. I'm not ashamed to be trans, but too many people think that being trans makes me a "special" sort of male, and they get too fascinated by it and forget that I'm actually a whole person with feelings. Lol.

[Simon]

I'll join the whatever club with you Simon.  I don't want being trans to define everything else I do in the rest of my life, but I recognize there are immense benefits to exposing people to what it means to be trans to make progress towards alleviating certain problems that plague the public perception of trans people.

I don't know what the right balance is. It seems once someone who isn't close to you knows about you, it is a lens they view everything else about you through. Once they know, you become that trans person. I wish that was avoidable while still removing the paranoia of 'being found out'.

I'll never be open in the cis world. I really don't have the patience required to educate non trans people about this. I don't like how most of them feel like they're entitled to ask you the most personal of questions and you should entertain their curiosity, hahaha...no.

I'm just at the point of not worrying so much. No, I don't want people to find out but if by some twist of fate they do I'm not going to fall apart. If someone was to find out and wanted to label me or treat me differently, bye.

[spacerace]

I'll never be open in the cis world. I really don't have the patience required to educate non trans people about this. I don't like how most of them feel like they're entitled to ask you the most personal of questions and you should entertain their curiosity, hahaha...no.

I'm just at the point of not worrying so much. No, I don't want people to find out but if by some twist of fate they do I'm not going to fall apart. If someone was to find out and wanted to label me or treat me differently, bye.

I wish I had the patience for educating people - I feel selfish for not choosing to be open and dreading the moment someone finds out, and that is my personal struggle with being stealth, not a judgment on others at all. I just know what I feel about things, yet I do not want others to know either and will not be someone that just shares it.

Once someone knows it can really spiral.

[insideontheoutside]

Oddly enough, this is something I've given more thought to simply because of my own circumstances. I'm getting better with being comfortable in my own skin and I have confidence about certain things, but still, a lot of the world deals with me as if I were a women since I'm not on hormones, not planning on changing my name, and although I'm androgynous, most people seem to error on the side of female rather than male.

So my thought would be, maybe it would be easier if certain people just thought of me as trans instead? I've told a couple people who I've known for quite some time and it seemed to be no big deal to them, but perhaps they might treat me a little differently (like not go out of their way to refer to me as female .... odd thing that some people do that I've noticed over my lifetime ... they seem to think that if you don't exactly look female, but you're "supposed to be", they go out of their way referring to you as such as if they think they'd make you feel better or something).

Granted, it's one of those things that I still keep secret (I'm like reverse stealth ha ha) from the majority of people. But I can say that it feels a lot more comfortable just when people who have known you for awhile know the truth.

[Natkat]

For those of you who do live your lives openly, what is it like? Do you feel like your life is easier or do you ever feel vulnerable with others knowing something so personal about you? How do you decide who to tell and why do you pick them? Do you ever regret your choice to live openly?

I feel both good and bad.
First of all I am not able to be 100% stealth due to stupid country rules who mean I cant change my Gender ID so each time im to call for a job, education, get something at the post office, travel to another country, get apointment from a doctor, get information, lend books on the libary, bla bla bla you name it. Then I have to show my ID who outs me.

I HATE that part because I feel I want to have a choice whatever or not and when to tell people of my trans status.
Beside this I prefern it as being open because for me that means I can invold them with my friends, with story and everything withot cencoring anything or not mention certain details. I prefern it that way so for me it works.