Considering therapy

[jackofspades]

I think this is an alright topic to disclose this in. Admin feel free to move it, if not.

Sometimes I've been considering therapy, if I can get it free of charge. I have a hyper-sensitivity. I've always known that. I try not to talk about it much, though it comes out quite a bit - but almost solely around my family, and then never shy to realize and analyze it around just myself. My family tells me I just really need to relax and not worry so much.

Growing up my parents relationship was nonexistent, besides my dad being overbearing and super-controlling over all of us, including her. His anger is blunt and unyielding, and his thought processes literally make no sense. His mind is basically void. I do not live with him now. I did not live with him for a few years after I turned 16 but eventually I had to come back because of money. I feel like something instinctual inside me has been permanently damaged from a very young age. I have never fully shaken the feeling someone is always watching and judging me, commentating and correcting me, in every thing I do. I never initiate conflict or controversy unless I feel a deep need to, as I feel immediately some rash action or one-sided statement will render me completely helpless. I can't even piss without worry that someone is right behind me. I think about how people that know I'm trans see me as I'm walking or how my clothes are fitting even though I pass stealthily. There is something deeply ingrained in my mind that I've always known was there, and though I try to break from it so much it still remains firmly right there.

This worthless man, my father, really is nothing to me - nothing at all. But the fear, knee-jerk reactions that were a very, very big part of my life growing up (and the strain of continually holding so much back), that is definitely part of who I am. I never defended myself because I felt my family did not want me to, and I never did it for myself. (Plus I was scared, from the time I was 7 on.) Sometimes I can talk myself out of it but it always comes back, a very self depreciating instinct in my head. When it surfaces I feel hopeless and embittered, I act either darkly anti-social or artificially good-natured, which is precisely how I remember my dad acting. I'm sorry for such a rant, as I can't talk to family about this because of their current situation, and I do not have a friend I can trust. And with the people on this form I'm sure life has not been an easy task, especially coming to family relationships and letting others get in your head. I just feel like this horrible thing is in my head that's not me, and is trying to destroy me. And I feel like my mind gets raped by so many other's thoughts on a daily basis, and then it tries to take on such a stance to better understand why someone would feel the way they do. And I just get entirely exhausted, spent, more confused.

Any experiences, thoughts? Is therapy for this such a good idea, should I try something else? I used to meditate more, but I could never go very deep into it. I feel like this part of my life has prevented me from immersing myself in things I want to do, as when I myself feel the pleasure and want to do something, it is usually followed by a sense of mocking, and that I am being observed and commentated. Maybe I'm f***ing crazy or something. Thanks for reading and feedback, I really appreciate it.

[FTMDiaries]

Therapy helped me tremendously.

My parents split up when I was little, and my mother remarried an abusive alcoholic. I suffered years of neglect & abuse which I won't go into here, but it made it very difficult for me to trust people and form relationships.

I went to see a clinical psychologist in my teens who helped me organise my thoughts about what had been done to me. She helped me to consider my experiences from different perspectives, which helped to take some of the sting out of them. I learned to let go of much of my anger and I've become a better, more productive, more rounded person because of it. Getting older helped too.

So yeah. If you think therapy might worth a shot, I'd recommend giving it a try. But whatever you do, don't presume that you're the crazy one. In the words of Steven Winterburn: "Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a--holes".

[King Malachite]

I would definately reccomend therapy if you can find one.

I used to be the type that would say things like "therapy is for the weak" etc. but now that I'm a bit more mature, I wish I could have therapy every week and the only reason I don't is because of the costs.  I too can't speak to family about my problems and I don't have many friends to talk to about my situation.  It really does help to have someone to talk to.

[JoanneB]

When I started therapy a few years ago it was primarily for all my other life issues or problems and mostly not for the trans stuff. I have to say it did help. Things do rattle around in your head differently when you have to vocalize them to someone else. Plus getting feedback from an outsider.

[jackofspades]

Thanks everybody. In the next month I might see if I can find somewhere with free therapy, I've ran across a few places before in different states. Hoping I might get just as lucky in this one. Personally I think a therapist who happens to be an Aquarius would probably be the most helpful - not that I'm going to choose one by their zodiac though, haha. My opinion on whether I should partake in therapy goes back and forth like a metronome so I think I'll stop trying to make a decision for a while. Since I posted this I've tried to observe my feelings more objectively, and close my eyes and concentrate when I'm overwhelmed. That's helped make me calmer lately. And drinking more tea.

Also, on another note, to FTMDiaries: I checked out your blog a bit and I really like your "Granny Test" - http://ftmdiaries.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-granny-test.html . I feel like that info should just be more widespread. I've also been really "weak" and too open about responding to such stupid questions in the past, and the more I hear of other transfolk grabbing the situation by the balls really inspires me. Thanks