Pre FT: TS Angst & Dangerous Territory.

[rhonda13000]

Do you recall, in your pre FT days, when you got so sick of it...living a lie...that you found yourself ambivalent to outright unconcerned whether you 'out' yourself 'inadvertently'?

That is how I am feeling right now.

I'm certain that the BA has 'throttled up' the ardent desire to rid myself of this detested facade.

Contributing to this state is likely the imminent [Lord willing] name change, at the end of this month.

I know that at this point in time, this represents potential disaster and that is really the only impediment to going FT, right now.

But this is something that was unexpected, as naive perhaps as that may sound.

The future will prove to be most interesting.

[Kara]

Reading this and another of your posts, I am wondering, why would they not allow you to change your name? TS is pretty well known at this point and though I know that some states have issues with changing Birth Certificates, I have never heard of trouble with name changes.


On the main topic. TS kind of boxes me in. During the weekly grind, I put on the masks that I know all too well and go out into the world. During my free time I feel like a rat in a cage because I would rather stay in my apartment amd be myself. This will change with Hair Removal and hormones. But untill I feel that I have changed enough to feel comfortable going out, I will be inside. At times I do go out just to get out of the house, I just can't wait untill I can be myself, for real.

[Ms.Behavin]

Ah yes the good old days.  Yes eventually the desire to just be your self becomes overwellming to the point where it just has to be done.  Yep! that was me two months ago,  Once out I've never looked back. The day I went FT is the day I throw out the few remaining guy shirts I had.

Sounds like it's just about time for you.

Good luck

Beni

[sarahb]

I'm in that stage right now. And it gets worse the more I'm on HRT. I'm becoming more confident as I progress, yet still not confident enough to come out to everyone. It's a double-edged sword that get's harder and harder to balance. Sometimes I just want to scream it out and start being myself. I have come so close to just blurting it out to my roomate when I get fed up with the facade.

I can't wait until I go fulltime and don't have to be preoccupied with this constant battle between showing myself to the world or keeping it all inside. It'll be here soon enough.

Sarah

[rhonda13000]

My Lord, you get so SICK of it. 

I did some shopping after work yesterday. It was 90F outside and I took off my my work shirt and left work in my jeans, aviator sunglasses and sports bra on.

It felt great just doing that.

But when I arrived at the store, I put the shirt back on but this time, I left it unbuttoned halfway. I did this to facilitate ventilation but moreso, to show some cleavage and feel more feminine.

It felt GREAT! It felt NATURAL.

I feel truly like I am now 'on approach and crossing the threshold' and I...just can't wait. 

I have lived like this, long enough.

___________________________________

Not long ago, in my pre-BA days, I went to see a therapist. I wore my typical work ensemble comprised of jeans and feminine-cut UA compression top [which hides nothing].

I voiced a mild concern whether anyone at work suspected anything [transitionally], to which she pointed to my chest, smiled and said,

"I think that your secret's out, Rhonda."

Attempting to conceal may well be futile and academic, at this juncture.

It's...an exercise in futility, attempting to hide a "D" level augmentation.

Still, I think that it would be a mistake to be overt and the one thing that may save me is that I am highly valued and respected as a technician, over there.

[thoughtfully]

"One day at a time"

[Ms.Behavin]

ROFL,  Girl if you got D's. even with a sports bra, well people will notice.  That is a very gutsy thing to have while still in guy mode. 

Why, Yes I am jealous too :-)

Take care and enjoy that cleavage

Beni

[Keira]

Still don't get how you can hide a D . On me, slight frame (my thorax is 33.5 inch around) my C's are noticeable even under a winter coat!! I can only imagine how it will show when I'm up to D (probably switch to a D cup by Christmas the way its going now).

[Hazumu]

Rhonda;

Knowing about the situation you are in (and having served under something similar (if AGR/ADSW is similar...)), you are very gutsy. You know the deep doo-doo you are potentially facing. 

If you haven't already, you should be signed up for USAJobs alert e-mails for any job series for which you qualify.  At my base, some of the aircraft maintenance is handled by civilian workforce (PM for further info.)

Big question -- do you like what you do enough that you'll still want to do it 3 years from now, no matter the crap you'll get from the testosterone-soaked work environment?

Others have made this transition from the military -- you can, too!

Karen

[rhonda13000]

Rhonda;

Knowing about the situation you are in (and having served under something similar (if AGR/ADSW is similar...)), you are very gutsy. You know the deep doo-doo you are potentially facing. 

If you haven't already, you should be signed up for USAJobs alert e-mails for any job series for which you qualify.  At my base, some of the aircraft maintenance is handled by civilian workforce (PM for further info.)

Big question -- do you like what you do enough that you'll still want to do it 3 years from now, no matter the crap you'll get from the testosterone-soaked work environment?

Others have made this transition from the military -- you can, too!

Karen

There is...much potential danger here - I recognize that and I know that my social and command interface and presentation will need to be altered.

My future is indeed rife with dangers and hazards; no illusions nor delusions exist, here.

But you know how it is, Karen; life itself is largely composed of taking risks and sustaining under stress and while it's unprofitable to be an idiot or to be heedless in important endeavors in life,

"To The Victor Belong the Spoils".

But firstly and foremost, God will be there for me.