Forced to Come Out to My Parents

[Contravene]

I've been away from home for a few days now and called my mother this morning. The conversation got really awkward really quickly and I eventually had to come out and explain to her that I'm transgender.

She wasn't outraged like I was afraid she would be, more like exasperated but it was hard to read her emotions over the phone. At first she kept telling me that I was making it up and only complicating my life, that I was a woman and wasn't manly at all. I gave her examples of how I've always struggled with my gender though and it seemed like she finally realized that all signs have been pointing to the fact that I'm a guy stuck in a woman's body. What worried me the most though was how she kept telling me that "God made you a girl". She also seemed angry or disappointed that I was visiting the girlfriend that, until now, she had only suspected I had. I could have just told her I was gay (which she also suspected) but I figured I would just explain everything.

I'm going home tonight and was looking for some advice. I wanted to come out to my family in person when I was ready but now I have to face all of them once I get home.

[FTMDiaries]

You mentioned a while back that your parents have been difficult. In light of this, please be very, very careful tonight.

Your mother's initial response on the phone this morning was probably subdued because she was shocked by the news, but by the time you get home she'll have had a couple of hours to stew over it. I can almost guarantee that she has already told your dad so that she can get him to back her up.

I hope I'm wrong and that it all goes swimmingly. But please be prepared for the possibility that they might gang up on you. If you can, call a friend or relative nearby and make a contingency plan to stay round their house tonight, just in case. That way, if things go badly with your folks, you can just walk out of the door and put some space between you so that everyone can calm down. And whilst I don't want to over-dramatise what might happen, never be afraid to call the police if you think your safety is at risk.

Above all else, take care of yourself.

[sneakersjay]

God created you just as you are.  Be confident in who you are.  Let them vent.  Let it roll off your back.  Good luck.

[Contravene]

Thanks for the advice, guys. I tried letting them vent but FTMDiaries was right, they all ganged up on me and it's getting really bad. I'm not sure what to do.

[chuck]

fighting bible verses with bible verses never seems to work, but just in case you are interested in feeling smugly superior, you might throw this verse out there:


there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others--and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it - matt 19-12

In the end sometimes the best thing you can say is "This is the last thing i am going to say about this, and then the conversation is over for me - I love you all, you are my family. I know i cant understand how hard this is for you. I know this is the right choice for me and I hope that our love for oneanother is more important then what i look like"

And then litereally do not engage them in any other conversation. If tey try, very politely and geuinely say " I am sorry but i dont think talking about it any more is going to help" Despite the fact that it is hard for you, most families will only be able to think of how hard it is for them. My own family was / is like that and I find it utterly despicable. However, I will ever let on that it bothers me. All they hear is "I know this is hard for you, thank you for trying" etc

[Contravene]

Thanks Chuck, I really like that Bible verse. I might be able to tell it to my mother later but right now she's too irrational to reason with.

My family doesn't seem to understand the whole transgender thing and is more upset about thinking I'm gay. My mom and dad both agreed, while screaming at me, that they would rather have me be a female prostitute and come home pregnant than ever see my girlfriend again...

[Jack_M]

I'm going through an initial reaction thing and parents do say evil things straight off but they're lashing out right now and things may calm down, or they may not.  The best thing to do right now is kinda back off and give them space and let them come to you when they're ready.

To compare, my dad told me it would be better if I was a murderer or even dead because parents of murderers or dead people can still say, "They'll always be my son/daughter" and I'm taking that away from them.

Oh, and they spent over an hour getting on at me for everything under the sun before even approaching the issue of being trans.  So yeah, it's a tough time but hang tough.

[Jamie D]

Thanks Chuck, I really like that Bible verse. I might be able to tell it to my mother later but right now she's too irrational to reason with.

My family doesn't seem to understand the whole transgender thing and is more upset about thinking I'm gay. My mom and dad both agreed, while screaming at me, that they would rather have me be a female prostitute and come home pregnant than ever see my girlfriend again...

The premise was that "God made you a girl (female bodied)".

The reality is that your body and identity formed as the result of complex biological and psychological processes, both in the womb, and after birth.   If God made you, He made your soul too, and who can possibly question what your soul is?  It follows too, that if your Mother's premise is sound, God made intersexed people too.   Hmmm.  And then God made CAIS men who look exactly like women.

I suggest you do not argue theology with them.  Instead, live your life as an example of a loving human being.