I wonder how much of our sexuality we repress, in order to be the person we're expected to be. I know that I was attracted to boys as a teenager but if I dared speak that in the backwater part of the country where I grew up, in that place and time, I'd have been beaten and tormented endlessly, with approval from both teachers and parents.
So I suppressed. I didn't tell my best friend that I wished I could be his girlfriend. And as I fought to make myself be what others expected, I suppressed even more. It haunted me throughout my marriage though, with long droughts of intimacy because I couldn't stand myself.
My wife knew there was something wrong with me but never confronted me. I think she was afraid of the answer. And eventually it all came out anyway. Once I began working with my therapist, I began to remember some of these things from my early teen years and I finally admitted to myself that I like men. But I do like women too, so I guess I am bi.
