This really the first time that I've sat down and attempted to write out my thoughts on my gender. My sexuality is pretty straight forward – I am attracted to people and their personalities, though if I am honest, I am more attracted to the male body than the female but there is attraction to both physicalities. Forgive the word vomit – will attempt to edit. My SO's current exploration has given me the impetus to think about this for myself.
Gender-wise I never felt one or the other. I never felt like a "tomboy". A "tomboy" was a girl playing at being a boy – I just was part boy. I was closer to my father, so I wanted to be like him. I wanted to be strong and tall and protect people who needed it. I played baseball (badly). At my mother's insistence I did dance class and majorettes (which was also known as hit people with a baton) and whatnot, but we also did Shaolin (kung-fu). I hated having to put make up on for dance class and my mother would always say that I would enjoy it more when I was older. Sometimes I like how I look, but most of the time I feel like I "didn't do it correctly so I don't bother." I never really felt "like a girl". Most of my friends were male; we did "boy" things, like playing in the mud, the creek, and going hiking. I didn't really play with dolls; I was more into Lincoln Logs and Legos and building things. I developed early (10 y/o-5th grade) so I lost a lot of my friends as I was now a "girl" and was "gross" even though I still wanted to do all the fun things that me and my friends used to do. That... rather sucked. I never paid much attention to my "feminine appearance" in HS. I wore a lot of masculine clothing: bigger jeans, baggier shirts, and the like. I never really felt male, but I didn't feel female either. I don't really have a lot of curves, so I believe that added (though I do have some pretty great breasts if I say so myself) to my not particularly feeling "female". Later in my high school time, I remember thinking – I NEED to have a suit. A nice men's suit. I didn't want a pants-suit, or a skirt and a blazer, I wanted a SUIT. I got one. Grey pinstripe and amazing. (Still have it). I also remember going to Kohl's to pick out a snazzy red tie. Then my mother's boyfriend taught me how to tie it. I remember looking in the mirror and just feeling incredibly badass and like something fit. Way more than I had in any dresses that I'd worn (to prom or dances). One of my proudest moments was when he looked at me and said "nice job". He was a little weirded out, but managed to admit that I'd done well.
Fast forward to college and I met a guy named Ben in my English class. He's cute. Real cute. We get to talking and it turns out that Ben is FtM. He introduced me to a whole world that I was too scared to try. We went out and got my first soft pack together. It felt really right when I put it on. I would wear it under jeans and pants and a lot of the times under dresses. It wasn't a fetish thing, it just felt like "this is part of me and THIS is part of me and if I want both of them at the same time, so be it". I ended up having to get rid of my equipment when I got into a long-term relationship due to his uncomfortableness with gender expression. Glad to say I'm out of that relationship now.
I feel like part of me is incredibly masculine: I can be aggressive and dirty and I'm the first to lift heavy things.
A lot of my friends consider me a "tough chick". But I also have some distinctly feminine vanities (mainly long hair and nails and keeping both looking very nice). My SO feels that I express a lot more femininity than I feel. I'm not a boy, I'm not a girl – I'm somewhere in the middle. And whatever pieces come out at the time is what I am that day. And I'm completely okay with it. (Oh and as soon as I get some scratch – I'm getting a new soft pack – anyone have any suggestions as it's been years).
I am sorry for the disjointed word vomit. So glad this resource exists to help me and my SO on our journeys.
