You feel the same way a lot of people do about not being in control of your thoughts. Society only asks that we control our actions. You're possibly just becoming more aware of your inner thoghts, or maybe you've been spending time inside your thoughts lately?
Interesting comment about the hotline, we hear this a lot. Think about this for a minute: "I was going to end my life, so I called a hotline. It didn't help." Sure it did, you're still here. Sometimes just making the call to tell someone how you feel is all the therapy that is required. Hugs, Devlyn