My boyfriend secretly likes T's

[Jax]

HI- I found out this past week, on accident that my boyfriend is secretly into ts/tv/tg. I came across some email conversations that he has with these people.  I dont know if he just talks to them or actually meets them, but i'm really leaning towards the fact that he probably meets these people.  I've also found his profile on various alternative lifestyle websites.  And found pictures of ->-bleeped-<-s on his computer.  I'm really distraut by this whole thing and don't know what to do.  I really love him, but don't want anypart of his secret lifestyle.  Any suggestions?

[BFKate]

Dear Jax,
I know this is going to be completely inadequate but you need to talk to your boyfriend about what you know/suspect and how it's making you feel.   It's even more important at a time of crisis that you talk and listen to him.  There are a million and one reasons why people keep secrets and not all of them are bad or malicious.  I'm a new member of this online community but already people have been amazingly kind and generous to me.  I hope you can sort things out with your boyfriend before it gets too bad.  One observation about your post, and I hope you don't mind me saying this is you seem to have (understandably by the sound of it)  leapt to a conclusion about what's going on.  It seems there are a lot of things still to find about what exactly is happening with your boyfriend.  The only way to do that is to talk to him.  Completely openly and honestly and it sounds obvious but let him do the same.   Hope that's of some use  to you at what must be a tough time.  Check out some of the other areas on this site, there are some terrific postings on very similar lines, which may help. And remember - you're not alone.
BFKate. 

[Peggiann]

HI Jax,

I'm Leah's significant other. I have had the shock of finding out such secrets. The difference is that I was told not found out by search after stumbbling on to something. I share this in my posts. It can be very hurtful and unnerving too. I'm sorry you had to find out as you did instead of your boyfreind telling you face to face. If you'll read and educate yourself more in these forums and on the Wiki Page, you may have an all together different out look on the issues. You may even be able to get past the shock.

Keep your chin up dear. First your accident uncovered alot of information. More likely you went looking as a result of your shock I'm guessing. I think it would have been better for you both if once you had stumbbled across the first emails, you had simply spoke with your boyfreind about them. And you still can. I urge you to do that as soon as you can. Knowing how far you have hacked into his private secrets, may become a problem in his being able to trust you to have an open mind and yours to trust him to be upfront and honest with all he has kept to himself.

I suggest you start with a statement of "Please just listen as I tell you what I have to say. When I've finished telling you all I need to then I'll say ok your turn now and I'll listen." This may keep you from having interruptions as I would think it better to get it all out at once. Hold nothing you have found back, share all your looking has uncovered. Then ask him to share what he needs to about his feelings of invation. You are going to shock him to say the least.

Did he owe you an explanation sooner? Probably. But that isn't the issue. Regardless of his reasons that can't be undone. As you read here from other like minded individuals this is not easy for them to admit to themselves and definiftly the realization comes of a shock and stages of denial for them. Some linger in that stage for a long time trying to not let it be true. So as to how long ago he sould have told you is just to uncertain to know. What if he is just coming to terms with this all himself. What he needs now is your freindship and the loyalty of your love and relationship. You also need his to help you cope as well.

I really love him, but don't want anypart of his secret lifestyle

What part of this persived lifestyle do you have objections to?

I'd encourage you to find out just what this lifstyle he will be maintaining is before you say you don't want to be a part of it. Before you found the secret it was a lifestyle that wasn't a problem. He may not intend to do any thing more than he already is. If it's meeting them and asociating with individuals of like minds like you found this community you just did by asking for help in this forum. Your post didn't sound as though that was a problem for you.

Jumping to conclussions and prejudging can be hurtful and dangerous for your relationship. Never take anything for granted. Be open enough and talk over every thing even the little things the may seem insignificant at the time.

My prayers for your courage to have and open mind and heart and for him to have the courage to open his and let you in.


Smiles,
Peggiann

[Leah]

Jax,

Welcome here to Susans Place. Peggiann is my best freind and Life's Partner, what she has shared is true but I had one thing I think coming from where your boyfreind maybe that will be vital for you.

Reasure him that his secret is safe with you. If you don't he may clam up and not share anything with you if he feels threatend by your knowing, or you may get half truths or denials. You can not come across condeming either.

I am wondering if he has already found Susan's Place, or if he needs direction here.  How did you happen on this Unique and Wonderful Place on your first hit at hunting for such a place to seek help. I looked on the internet as had others here for quite awhile before I found it. Your boyfriend may be stumbbling around in syberspace looking for this very spot. You may want to share it with him.

I was 53 before I could even say the word transexual aloud to anyone. When I was able to talk with someone...What a relieve it was to find I was not a freak or alone, that there were other with similar feeling. For instance I have no homosexual tendancies. Other may but I don't condem them for their feelings.

Willing to visit and share anytime.

Leah

[Kendall]

If he likes, wants to meet, has met, or just corresponds with other ->-bleeped-<-s. It would depend on the intentions and his desires. Is it just a fascination, a true urge, desire to be one, or what. Thats what you first need to find out and letting him know that you know and have seen the pictures is the first step. Then not in any angry mood (if possible) ask him calmly what is the reason he looks at them and emails them. Then you will know.

Honestly, anyone doing any sort of cheating behind a lover's back deserves to be yelled at and owes you respect during your relationship. But I would find out first the full truth before doing that.

[stephanie_craxford]

HI- I found out this past week, on accident that my boyfriend is secretly into ts/tv/tg. I came across some email conversations that he has with these people.  I dont know if he just talks to them or actually meets them, but i'm really leaning towards the fact that he probably meets these people.  I've also found his profile on various alternative lifestyle websites.  And found pictures of ->-bleeped-<-s on his computer.  I'm really distraut by this whole thing and don't know what to do.  I really love him, but don't want anypart of his secret lifestyle.  Any suggestions?

Hello Jax,

Welcome to Susan's.  I'm sure that you will get some insight, information, advice that you are looking for.  We do our best to help all of the members here, and you can be sure that you will be welcome.  We are a friendly bunch and have a wide variety of opinions and ideas.  So relax you are among friends.

As to your question...  I wouldn't panic yet but as recommended you should talk and be honest with your boyfriend.  We all have fantasies and dreams, and there is nothing wrong with that.  Yes some can seem a little strange even perverted, but as long as they are just fantasies then there's nothing wrong with that.  What you need to do is to ask him what this is all about and do it in a way that's not confrontational.  You need to find out what this is all about why the pictures are there and what he feels when he See's them and what if  he is looking for something else.  Remember there is no need to be confrontational, and just go from there.  Once you have found out (if he tells you) then you can tell your side and what you can and can not live with.

Believe me ALL men have wondered about alternative relationships or have had fantasies similar to your boyfriends, don't fret yet hon, but you have to ask the questions.  But before you do, be prepared for the answers, they may not be what you want to hear.

Steph

[Cassandra]

Dear Jax,

Welcome to Susan's. As has been said don't panic. This foray into the world of the Transgendered maybe just curiosity and a desire to understand. You really don't know until you talk to him about it. Personally I believe that if you are in a relationship with someone you must remain true to that person. It is the foundation of any long term relationship. Men are men however and tend to be led around by one thing. It is in their nature. That does not mean that you have to put up with a wandering cad. Confront him with what you have found and ask for answers.

There is a lot of information here at Susan's and we will be happy to talk to you and offer our advice. Just an aside and don't think I'm being critical, just wanted to point this out. Many in the TG community, especially TS's consider the term "->-bleeped-<-" to be derogatory, like wise "trannie". You might want to refrain from such terms. These terms are more often used by the pornography industry. Anyway, fix yourself a cup of tea, or other relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

[HelenW]

Hi Jax!

All of the advice that you've received from the others here is very good and I'd like to add just one more thing.  Your boyfriend may have these things on his computer because he's trying to uncover and/or explain personal feelings that he has regarding ->-bleeped-<-.  He just might be very ashamed of it, feeling that it's wrong to feel the way he does.  I know that this is how I felt for many years, so, please, be gentle with him.  The subject may be a very painful one for him to discuss.

You have an opportunity, perhaps, to help him grow and accept himself.  Your nonjudgemental help, I'm sure, will bring him all the more closer to you.

best of luck,
helen

[Shelley]

Hi Jax,

Helen may be right about your boyfriend trying to understand some inner feelings. What ever the reason for his actions you will need to be very careful not to cause him to become defensive when you are trying to uncover the reasons for his actions. Give him time to explain because it is likely that his first attempt will not reveal all. If in fact he is trying to deal with inner feelings he will most likely be dealing with a degree of embarassment and possibly guilt.

Good luck and remember we are here if you want to discuss things. You might also find the information in the Wiki useful.

Shelley