Transition started for me when the fear of living the rest of my life as something I hated overcome the fear of transition itself. My perception in those dark days was of a life free from the Gender depression that had been constantly with me, but a life of lonliness, solitude, discrimination, bigotry to come. The fact that I chose transition (as does everyone else) says a lot about our courage and the depths to where our former life takes us.
Transition itself is a difficult time, constant change, physically and emotionally, loss of family, friends, fearful at times to make new friends, learning new skills daily and at time I struggled to cope with all of this and questioned what the hell I was doing this for, just to end up lonely and sad.
My perception at this stage never changed, I would live as an outcast, no one would ever possibly see me as anything else than Transsexual and stigma that many people in society place on that.... but still the need to find happiness, peace in my own mind, drove me on.
As I went further into transition, my perception (as well as the public at large), changed considerably, passing got easier, the number of Mam's increased, the Sir's diminished, people started to relate to me as a woman, more and more and the highlight of my week (which was basically food shopping) started to fade into the memories as I made new friends, who had no idea of my past history.
As we become more confident in ourselves, ability to pass and interact, so life changes. I became less shy, reserved and started to talk to people (before they spoke to me), smiled at people and walked around with my head up, rather than looking awkwardly at the floor. People responded, guys even started to flirt (OK... there guide dogs wagged there tails), but it became clear that the discrimination and bigotry was not going to happen as I had first feared.
After SRS life took a new phase, Euphoria followed by depression, It took ages for me to move on....I had achieved my goal (or so I thought) had become a fully functional woman, had many friends... but still not totally happy, still not comfortable in certain situations, large crowds.
The step change came about a year ago, I let go of the past. Mentally,I carried lots of guilt, still loved my family (who dont love me) but always saw myself as a Transsexual first and a Woman second. That had to change. I joined clubs, societies, got involved in Environmental issues, re-started my sporting career, started coaching and teaching sports to 9,10 and 11 year olds, started dating, went out shopping by myself (not just with friends), reassessed my wardrobe, clothes, make up, jewellwery and started wearing much more feminine things. I became the woman, the person who I wished to be and not the Transsexual that society had labelled me.
Over the past year, I have done so many things I only ever dreamed of, I have a horse, been skiing, scuba diving, just got my brown belt in kick boxing, played softball in 3 international tournaments, started making my own jewellery, even got a long term boyfriend...
Starting a new life is not easy, it takes time to readjust and there is much heartache and hurt along the way. But my envisiged life of lonliness, solitude and sadness is yet but a distant memory of my paranoia, my lack of understanding of my own ability to cope and that of societies acceptance of change.
So yes..... Life is possible after transition, no matter what age you transition at. But what sort of life you have is only decided by you and how comfortable you feel in society.
My final point is that unless you are Budhist, re-incarnation is a myth!.... we only have one life, find happiness and peace in the one you have.
Buffy
