Stunted growth, and what it could mean for MtF?

[Stella Stanhope]

Mornin' everyone! (ooo, just checked the time and morning has slipped away to lunch!)

Happy to have joined this lovely community, after doing the whole lurking around the building for quite a while. A digital squatter if you like. 

My question is - has any biological male here had stunted growth as a child? Whilst also seemingly nursing a desire to be more female? Has anyone else had stunted growth which has impacted both positively and negatively on their MtF leanings?

I had stunted growth due to having to take steroids for asthma. This stunted growth affected my body, but not my face. So my face turned male quickly (although people occasionally still wonder, especially kids, if I'm female when they look at me). My body however hit puberty as normal with the required effects, but my overall body retained a childlike stature, very neotenous - small shoulders, tiny arms, no stomach muscles and NO full male OR female fat distribution. Eventually I developed stomach muscles so I looked like I did sit-ups all day. Up until about 23, however, because of the relative neoteny - my body could easily have a female shape as my waist would invert above my hips and my abdomen was like a svelte teenage girls. But I didn't have boobs. I coudl easily flit between gender presentation.

Technically back then I had the "best of both worlds" regarding presentation, but unlike in Japan where androgynous "pretty boys" tend to be seen as "cool" etc, I was seen by family and friends and girlfriends as alarmingly un-masculine. So despite everything working normally like it should with a man, I was constantly told to eat more pies, possibly get treatment for my lack of facial hair etc. Despite desperately wanting to fit in and look more male - primarily so I could get myself a girlfriend - I also deep down adored how my figure had an hourglass shape to it and I always just felt like i wanted and needed to look feminine, before I even appreciated what "Female, feminine" and male, masculine" actually meant as regard to me. It's like my body took its time to know, and my head didn't either.

~

I finally embraced wanting to look more feminine and made the best of my androgynous body shape. Mother nature being the wonderful joker that they are however, has now changed my body so I've gone square and my skin had gone harder, and my hair is now receeding and thinning, and I'm suddenly more crazy for porn. So just as my presentation changed to androgynous or downright feminine, my body is increasingly undeniably masculine, and these all seem to be negative changes. I'm not suddenly 3x stronger or 5x better at analytical skills. Its just useless bulk, general coarseness and extra aggression.  Plus I look waaaay older. I used to look teenage. This has all happened in the space of to years. A sudden change compared to the last decades. I am 28.

It's triggered the same dysphoria that I used to get from having to look like other men. But now my dysphoria isn't socially targeted, its body targeted. I'm not fighting parents anymore, I'm actually fighting my body with DHT blockers and supplements.

I feel totally confused and angry with the whole situation, as it seems I can't be "a  bit of both" and sit on the fence, I either became Phil Collins (as that's how the men in our family look, not that I don't like Collins, as I've been a big fan of Geneisis since their1980 album "Duke", lol). Or, I take hormones and then have all the absolute social crap and sterility that comes with any form of transition process. The NHS in particular wanting me to change my whole identity before allowing me to access any service.

~

For a brief year - I was happy with crossdressing, letting my hair grow out and styling it feminine style and exploring the gender expression that I was sort of denied when I was a kid and teenage. Now though, it's all a big mess. My long-awaited feminine exploration feels suddenly truncated, like I've been awoken suddenly from a luxurious deep-sleep after being tired for so long - so my mind is in disarray and I'm grumpy all the time.

I am in a "now or never" moment, a true crossroads, both biologically and emotionally. And so far, therapists and the NHS haven't wanted to pass any comment on this, its always side-stepped. I can't be that rare and my situation can in no way be unique.

So, has anyone else had stunted growth which has impacted both positively and negatively on their MtF leanings?

Thanks for reading this long post! Here are your tea and biscuits 

[LordKAT]

Actually, you can sit on the fence and be both or neither. There are many people here who do it everyday. It becomes a matter of who are you really? If you are female , then work toward that comfort zone, if you are androgyne, (some of each basically) then follow that route. Read the androgyne boards if I have lost you there.

Not necessary to change everything about you  and be OK with it.

[Jamie D]

First of all, welcome to the site.

Second, I would imagine, with your history of childhood asthma, you have been thoroughly examined, but have your hormone levels been tested?  Neoteny can just as easily be the result of a lack of HGH

I am not sure what steroids you used to combat asthma.  I have read where inhaled steroids have had that effect

In any case, what do you feel your gender identity is?  That is to say, how do you identify internally?  If you are masculine with delicate female features, then, even in your 20s or 30s there are ways improve your presentation.  If, however, you feel feminine or androgynous, then it seems to me you would want to arrest whatever masculinization that is naturally occurring.

BTW, herbal supplements aren't going to do you a whole lots of good.  Bio-identical hormones are the most trusted method of feminization/masculinization.

[Lo]

I'm neither, but my chief source of body dysphoria is my height and size. Getting over it is still very much a work in progress, but there were many years where I would have killed to have had my growth stunted. If someone had come up to me as a kid and told me all the things I could do to stunt my growth artificially, then I absolutely would have done them. It may or may not be part of how I conceptualize my gender internally, but it's really a unifying factor in how I see myself, present myself, and sometimes even interact with others. Wish I could do something about it because hunching over is the only thing now that can make me feel smaller. :\

[Stella Stanhope]

Hi there everyone! And thanks for the comments Lo, Jamie D and LordKAT  Nice to "meet" you too.

I hope it's not lack of HGH, as that can lead to early ageing. I hope that's not why I'm loosing my hair. If you're low on HGH, you're effectively an old person. I received the steroids to kick-start puberty. I am very glad they gave me that as if they hadn't then I'd most likely be permanently stunted with all manner of issues, and be infertile as well. But yes, I see what you mean about wanting to be continually stunted as the male body does seem to go through rather a heavy change throughout life, compared to the relative neoteny that females maintain until after menopause. I am quite petite for a guy but well proportioned, but I'm easily within range of a petite girl as well. My destroyed hairline and hair in general is a major dysphoria trigger, as is the massive veins on my arms and everywhere else. I look like all my piping is on the outside haha! Like the Pompidou Centre in Paris! I'm a modern art masterpiece. And that seriously screws up passability for me, whereas height is not always as bad. I guess we all have elements we love and hate about ourselves.

As for gender identity, its a tough one for me. As different expressions and feelings seem to be undermine each other.

I have never wanted or felt particularly attracted to presenting as any particular gender. Boys and men seem to be rather boorish, competitive & constantly on their guard. And girls and women seem to be selfish, catty and unpredictable. And of course then there's everyone else in between as no one is a cliche deep down though society would like people to be.

I feel I have been ostracised by males for not being manly enough but also alienated from females as I'm not like them either. If 'm with a group of guys in a suit, I feel different, unlike them and like I'm acting. But I get exactly the same feeling when I'm with a group of women   

My own personal identity is that I don't like looking male, I don't like the maleness of my body, I don't like male presentation and I think that being a typical man in this day and age is increasingly redundant and bereft of expression. But in the West there isn't another model of man apart from just the "gay" and "straight" types. I much prefer to look female, with female presentation etc.

However, I appreciate the things that get me jobs and attract girls that I am attracted to - such as my deep voice, stomach muscles and my genitalia. So whilst I hate everything else, I feel very protective over these aspects as they've been incredibly useful. Thus any hormone intervention worries me greatly. I don't want to have to destroy working bits of myself to appeal to my skewed sense of internal identity. I hate how something will have to give sooner rather than later.  I wouldn't like to be Androgyne though, seems to be worst of both worlds. I wouldn't like to loose my sex drive and not look any more female. Seems like a loose-loose situation...

But then, I'm stumbling into all this, so what do I know! lol.

[Jamie D]

Androgeny simply suggests that you do not conform well to the gender binary.

I identify as non-binary, and whether that is the "worst" or the "best" of both worlds really depends on how well you accept yourself.