hi all from Sydney

[delyth ann]

Hi Emmeline.

I am 32 and from Sydney as well. I've struggles with gender issues for a long time and I am starting to accept that I need To confront things, as they aren't going to go away. I feel better about dealing with these issues knowing that there are other girls in the same situation. I am not out properly yet, but taking things step by step. One day at a time. It's great to know there are other girls in Sydney.

[Emmaline]

Wandering around the house saying Cassy, Cass... hey, I am cass...  my cats looking at me weird...  the winner of the oscar for best director goes to Cassandra King.... casster... yo... Cass.  This is my friend Cassandra.  Ck.  Seeekaay.

I really like it.

Hi delyth- no doubt will meet you at some point down the trans line.

[delyth ann]

Thank you Emmaline. I feel really scared, but talking to other girls is really helping me. May be I don't need to some how feel guilty about feeling this way. My biggest enemy is my own perception of myself. Feel really thankful for advice an friendship I am starting to see on this board. 

[Emmaline]

Make sure you get good therapist love too!


Er... not literally,


Anyhoo, being scared just means your smart enough imho. 

Been to the gender center yet?

[delyth ann]

Haven't yet. I've been so busy with work, it's been difficult to get any time to myself even at weekends. I've seen a normal psychologist on 4 occasions, bit I think I need to find someone who specialises in gender issues. I think I need that support before I can completely come out to my friends, family and colleagues. I just want to be in a posting where I am happy with what I see in mirror.

[Emmaline]

Ooooh, absolutely yes- get that specialist stuff in place before coming out-  having council that can also help your family come to terms is really good.  The gender center in Sydney appears to be heavily overloaded- make a booking asap as it may be a while before you can see them.  Good luck!


Ahh, just qualified for a sig and picture.  Mine is (at the time of writing at least) a photoshop self portrait onto which I applied the effects of hormones- reducing muscles on the jaw closer to the actual bone, softening the curves (extra fat), upping the cheek apples a little and so forth.  Of course it may vary a great deal to reality, but it made me feel soooo much better about transitioning.  Hell, a touch of FFS and a bit of slap and I might just get there.

Unfortunately I cut my hair short a few days before I broke through my denial to 'make me feel better about my appearance', lol.  Sooo, thanks to that little bit of stupidity I am quite a way off the length.  Still, my hair was not far off this in college, (curtains thanks to Nirvana and Happy Mondays) and so I know I can get there and how it behaves.

The current fave name at the moment is Cassandra Alice King.  CAK! indeed.

Oh the fun of inventing oneself.

[Rachel85]

Hi emmaline and delyth ann (and everyone else too!),
I'm a Sydney girl too and welcome! I moved about a month ago from Adelaide and still finding my feet (work, place to live etc.) but I used to live here so its a little easier. I'm yet to pop into the Gender Centre yet but I really should soon, I'm thinking about how transitioning will pan out with work and I was told that they can really help with that in particular.
I did the exact same thing with my Hair emmaline, I got it cut about a week or two before I started seeing a therapist and regretted it since! Only just caught up now and it wasnt even that long then! So annoying!
I started seeing a psychologist before anyone else delyth ann and they really did help with coming out to friends and family. I've recently been seeing a psychiatrist in town too who I can recommend, not cheap to see them (or any specialist really), but they did help too (not to mention you kinda need them to give you the "tick" before you look at hormones if you are going in that direction). If you like either of you girls PM me

[Emmaline]

Hey Cynths!  Looks like a sydney scene will have to happen at some stage!

Re psychotherapy. ..  Its funny, since I came to realise I was transgendered I have never felt so completely sane.  I went from being a severely depressed, suicidal and self loathing recluse, to a calm, social, hope filled actual person in only a few weeks.    I worried I was mentally unwell, somehow unfixable.  CBT had no effect on me, clearly it was more than a warped set of values as I am intelligent and should have been able to challenge by values easily.  Clearly it was physical to some degree, and that worried me.  Plus, my depressive bouts where getting worse as time went on.

  Now I know why my brain works the way it does, and that it is in part or in essence, physically set up to be female and this perfectly explains my past behaviors that caused me problems.  An inability to bond or identify with men, ease of bonding with women, a sense of being wrong or alien in my skin and social interactions, the panic I felt being confronted socially by macho behaviors and so much more.
  Transition is exciting beyond words.

  Uhg... flu.  Bored and headachy.  Need to sign off.

[Jamie D]

Hey, Page 2 ladies!  You know what was the "scariest" part for me?  Having it dawn on me that if I didn't do something about my "war with myself," the rest of my life would be miserable, unhappy, and exceedingly short.  I was never suicidal, but rather, had lost my zest to live.

Just the realization of who I am paid dividends.

[delyth ann]

Jamie,

I am starting to come towards that realisation. I had a breakdown in April, due to a combination of issues including my gender. It's so exhausting trying really hard to be something I am not. I thought about suicide at one stage, but realised I would cause more hurt to the people I care about. On the surface I shouldn't be feeling down. I have a great career, family and friends, but something hasn't felt right. It's only now I am starting to confront my gender issues and do take action or otherwise my health is going to suffer more in the long term.

[Rachel85]

Re psychotherapy. ..  Its funny, since I came to realise I was transgendered I have never felt so completely sane. 

Oh do I know that feeling! Isn't it great?! Before I ever told anyone my folks were just saying to me, gee, you are just so happy the last few weeks (they put it down to losing weight), when I told them that I have never been so happy or felt so "right" in my life they were all like, "Ohhhhhh, NOW I get it!".

Hey, Page 2 ladies!  You know what was the "scariest" part for me?  Having it dawn on me that if I didn't do something about my "war with myself," the rest of my life would be miserable, unhappy, and exceedingly short.  I was never suicidal, but rather, had lost my zest to live.

Just the realization of who I am paid dividends.

Same again Jamie. I just watched an interview on the net with someone who just transitioned a year or so ago and they were asked, "I have read that you describe it as transition or suicide", they replied more or less, it was a matter of time and they didn't know exactly what their breaking point was but it would have ended in that direction.
I'm lucky in that I never thought of it as an option, but I did realise a long time ago that losing yourself in drink, bad choices and misery is pretty much the opposite to choosing to live.

Delyth ann, for me the Eureka moment was just "letting" myself look into this aspect of myself. Looks like you're there already

It always amazes me (but I do kinda wonder why ) how similar an experience we all share.

[Emmaline]

Thats so true.  Transitioning isnt a choice for me.  Its imperative to survival.   My last depressive bout nearly killed me.  I cant risk that again for my friends and loved ones, least of all myself.  Its not about high heels and frocks for me, those are just the trappings of gender.  Its just something I have to do. 


Mind you the trappings are fun too. 

Bonus.

[Jenny07]

I concur with you on this emmaline.

Depression is horrible and I so nearly let it get the better of me a few years ago when things were awful.

But I'm still here and hopefully can be finally happy with myself.

J

[Emmaline]

Hope thats working for you Jenny.
I am realistic, I know Its not going to fix everything,  but such is the transformation just after hearing I could transition physically with hrt, that I am convinced that doing so will give me back enough strength to take everything else on with confidence.  Its plugged my battery back in... I suspect come a year or so on 'mones when I look in the mirror it will be like plugging me into the mains.

I got very far in my industry lugging my persona around. But I always self sabotaged things because I hated him.   Its already a weight off not being him around my close friends.

[delyth ann]

Girls,

I have realised that I am at the start of a long journey, I am slowly starting to come to accept myself. Fighting GID is pointless.
I've had a really bad run with depression this year. It cumulated with me having a breakdown. At one point I had even had my head in a noose and was about to end it all.
Then I heard my dog barking, and I suddenly thought about how upset I would make my family and love ones. Taking the easy way out wouldn't fix things. There is no quick fix.
The only way to deal with things is to accept who I am and be honest with myself. I am starting to let the girl that I am inside reveal herself bit by bit.
I have found these forums a great source of comfort and reassurance. I hope one day that one day when my body matches my mind I will complete and I can be in a position to offer kind words of reassurance to others as girls have offered me.

[Emmaline]

Its funny the things that pull us back from suicide.  Dog barks, smells... little things, strange things.