Anti-Depressants/Anxieties numbed the pain temporarily, but now it's back.

[Ultimus]

Cliffs:
-Was on 4 anti-depressants/anxieties (Cymbolta + Abilify + Welbutrin + Xanax) for a period of months to help me come out of my depression and to cope with my gender issue

-Was numb and indifferent to my cross-gender desires during that time, the pain lightened some

-Experienced bad side effects from that cocktail of drugs

-Got off of one of one and reduced the other.

-Back to thinking about my cross-gender desires constantly, the pain of not having what I desire is back, the thoughts of wanting to be a girl are more intense, the feelings of needing to be a girl is more intense, to experience life as a girl, to have sex as a girl....all those things are back with a vengeance.

-Back to feeling pessimistic about my future as a guy

-These feelings seem completely irrational, but nevertheless they are still there

-Back to browsing all of my old favorite transgender websites (I had purged myself of them for over a month)

-Can't help but remember one of my favorite quotes by Bertrand Russell (philosopher, mathematician, Nobel prize laureate in literature): "To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness," but I'm not very convinced

what do

[Ltl89]

I'm not a doctor and am unfamiliar with your story, but I will say that I doubt any medication will be able to stop these feelings on a long term basis.  It's the consensus for most that medications cannot solve Gender Dysphoria.  It may be able to reduce the side effects of dyshporia, like anxiety and depression, but it can't solve the root cause on their own.  I wish you lots of luck.  If you need someone to talk to, I am here.   

[A]

That's quite normal. As far as I know, there's no way to get rid of transsexualism. And pretty much every specialist thinks so as well. Antidepressants will perhaps help cope with the depression that's caused by transsexualism. That's what they're for; they alleviate the symptoms. But depression itself, here, is most likely a symptom of transsexualism. Effectively that's like treating brain cancer with ibuprofen. Maybe you won't have as many headaches, but the problem won't be resolved.

You need to see a gender therapist and perhaps initiate transition. And you need to get angry at whatever doctor filled you with antidepressants instead of working on the real issue.

[Jamie D]

I concur with the two posters ahead of me.  The gender identity is likely innate and largely immutable.

You are at war with yourself.

[CalmRage]

And this is the fight You cannot win.

I'm slowly beginning to think that too. I feel like crap.

[Seras]

Depends how you define "you" doesn't it.
I would assume "you" encompasses your gender identity. In which case if you transition "you" has in fact won the war.

I lot of people on this site have already won.

[delyth ann]

I know where you are coming from. I mean battle that is going on inside you. I am kind of in the same boat. I am starting to realise though that my feelings about my gender are not going to go away and I need to address them rather than just fight them. I am scared as I am sure you are. I know about the guilt about feeling female inside but needing to play the role of one of the lads, because that's the body you have.  I am just trying to take things one step at a time. I've taken comfort in that on here there are some great role models who have travelled the road and who care enough to offer some wonderful hope and advice.