Still sorting it out

[Pollyanna]

Hey everybody --

My name is Polly and I'm a mid-40's MTF still trying to decide what she wants to do when she grows up. Oh, and maybe change her gender.

I'm happily married, with a semi-supportive SO (this stuff kinda freaks her out, but she loves me and wants me to be happy). I also have a teenage son. Politically very progressive but personally somewhat vanilla, I've had life-long gender issues (lost a couple girlfriends over it), and finally realized they weren't going away. So this year I tentatively self-medicated a little bit, but realized I was going about things the wrong way and decided to take things a bit slower and go through the proper channels.

So I'm in therapy now, and still dealing with the rush of emotions that accompany such a major tectonic shift. Do I really want to do this? The angel on my right shoulder says, "Absolutely." The devil on my left shoulder tells me, "Dude, you're gonna screw up everything you worked so hard to create for yourself." So I'm scared. Complicating matters are the facts that I'm a bit older now, and also I have a large frame (6'1"). On the plus side, I am kinda cute, so there's that ... ;-)

My career is such that it probably would be impacted (I work for myself), and I would be forced to find a new line of work, which is sucky, but doable, I guess. The bottom line is that I'm still figuring this out. My therapist was recently ready to recommend me seeing a physician and start the process, and I told her 'Wait!' I wanted to play devil's advocate a bit more. Now we're thinking low dosages of E until things get a bit more figured out. My therapist is sure I'm on a one way path toward transition, but we'll see.

Thanks for being interested! I've enjoyed this site off and on for years, so I thought it was time to say 'Howdy, here I am!"

[LordKAT]

Welcome to Susan's and your new life. No matter what decisions you make, accepting that you are who you are is freeing to your mind.  Good luck

[Pollyanna]

Thank you! I see the wisdom of your words ...

[Jamie D]

Hi there Polly.  Sorry I missed this earlier, but I have been a little preoccupied.

Welcome from sunny southern California!


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A good physician worth his or her salt will start you oI have a natal daughter who isn low doses anyway.  And keep track of how your liver (especially) is doing.

Your height is not an impediment.  I have a natal 19-year old daughter who is 6-feet tall, and still growing.  No one mistakes her for a guy because she is tall.

And I am glad to see that you have talked things over with a therapist.  It is never too late to be yourself.

[Cindy]

Hi Polly,

I totally understand your fears.

I was so so so frightened.

The I decided to go for it. I could no longer live as him.

About 6 months back I realised he had died and I was me.

I have a very high profile professional job, I was terrified of the reaction. I was 59, I was terrified of my age.

I have been me full time for over a year now, I have lost NOTHING.

I have gained a life, I have gained friends, I have the love and the respect of 99.99% of my colleagues, and the one who has a problem sits in the corner at executive meetings and sulks. I think he is TG and jealous!!!

Don't self medicate, take the advice of your medics and be safe.

It isn't easy, it is a fight, there are tears and there are losses.

I am so glad I did it. I now have a life that I never thought could exist.

Welcome

Cindy

[Pollyanna]

Hey Xena and Cindy --

Thanks so much for your wise words. It's good to know we're not alone, of course, but it's still tough to 'push away from the safe shore,' and head into deeper waters. I'm taking baby steps (how many metaphors can I throw into one paragraph!).

Luckily, my wife is stepping up and being incredibly supportive, and is holding my hand the entire way ...

And Cindy, it's good to know that you took a chance and it worked out for you! My therapist notes that most of my resistance is fear-based -- all the what-ifs -- and so I'm trying to just listen to my gut and my spirit and do what feels right.

At any rate, what will be will be. I feel good about the future and plan to become a semi-regular around here. You'll hear more of my story as it develops!

Thanks so much for your perspective!

[Jamie D]

LOL, "Xena" is really "Jamie D"!  I have a new screen name today in solidarity with a member who has posted a warrior princess topic.

I'm silly like that.

[Devlyn]

Hi Polly, welcome to Susan's Place! Years? I love a good lurker confession!  See you around the site, hugs, Devlyn

[Pollyanna]

Jamie -- Ha! Sorry, I am kinda new, of course. And I assume you're referring to Kristin Beck? She's cool ...

Thanks for the warm welcome, Devlyn. I have been a lurker here for awhile, but things got a little more ... shall we say, 'immediate' recently, so I stepped up my involvement. It feels good.

[Emmaline]

Welcome!
Hey, Jordan on youtube is 6'2" - check out her vid on her body effected by hormones.  It may help.  Plus, I have to admit, shes cute and all shy about it too...

I am 5'10" and am 37, so will be 39ish when I full time.

  I was worried but dammit, I would rather be a gloriously confident milf trans amazon than a depressed, suicidal guy who keeps self sabotaging his career.

[Pollyanna]

Hey Emmaline,

I'm familiar with Jordan's videos ... she's great. Yeah, being 6'1'' is not a deal breaker, but it certainly doesn't help ...

5'10'' is no amazon! And at 37, you're a baby! ;-) ... Like my wife says (quoting Spinal Tap), 'We're all as God made us' ... ;-)

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

Hi Polly,

Welcome to our little family. Over 11945 . That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.


Janet  )O(

[Pollyanna]

Thank you, Janet!

[ChristyB]

Polly,
  A great big welcome. I too am in my 40's and feel it is time I do something for ME. Been in therapy for depression and PTSD for decades with only a minimal effectiveness. I've been on more and better drugs under a Dr's. care than I ever had access to on the street. I also have a very supportive wife who is a little more than freaked out about all this. I feel our paths just might not be too different in figuring this out and how far and how fast to go. It gives me some comfort in knowing there is at least 1 other person out there whose journey is similar to my own.

Thank you for sharing. Hugs,
Christy.

[Pollyanna]

Hey Christy --

Thanks so much! I suspect there are more folks like us out there than we know ... it does help to come to a site like this and have the support and interaction of folks like you ... Hugs yerself!