ultimate decision ... life or deae

[ChelseaAnn]

I'm at a point ... its over either way. The thoughts won't stop. I'm stressed out ... I can't make it stop, no matter how I try to justify it.
On Tuesday, I came out to my mom and wife. It was messy. Everyone cried. My mom tried to be supportive and get my wife and I to stay together. Things calmed down, I called my therapist and scheduled an appointment for later in the day. My wife and I talked, and sort of compromised (which ultimately led to me giving up what I swore I wouldnt, my transition) . We went to session, and the compromise swung more away from my transition, and being able to wear clothes and be myself.
My wife and I went on vacation from Wednesday until Saturday, where we "figured out" what was causing feelings.
but no matter what, I look at girls and think "I wish I could look like that " or walk past the women's section and think "I want to wear that ". I'm ready to end.it. it's either one way or another. I had my first true consideration of suicide tonight, bc I'm too much of a coward to not make others happy.
so I make one consideration to finish this without ending my physical life :splurge on Facebook. Its social suicide, admitting to everyone I know who I truly am. Bit I believe it's the only way I can stop being such a coward. This will b everyone :my family, my wife's family, all.my former classmates, people from work, my friends, everyone.
Is this a good idea? I tried the slow approach. Now this seems like the only way...

[Cindy]

Ultimately we all make our own decisions. We are responsible to ourselves.

One of the few truths of being trans* is that it never goes away, it can't. You can't change your gender. You are what you are.

I was born a female in a male body, I tried for all my life to be a guy. I couldn't, I can't, I'm a woman. There is noo way of changing that.

There are ways of coping and there are many suggestions on the site. Some people can get away with a life of denial.

Others drink take drugs or otherwise slowly kill themselves. Some sadly just end their lives.

These are not viable options. They are not options at all. They are cop outs that hurt you, your loved ones and society.

I, like many other trans*woman struggled and cried and wailed. There was no way I could transition. There was no way I would be accepted. There was no way I would pass.

In the end I realised I had no choice.

I had to accept myself and live my life. I was supported by a good therapist, a psychiatrist  where I am in Australia by local law. He helped guide me through problems of how to deal with some issues as he was aware of possible problems.

But as he later said, 'I knew you were female within 10 mins of first meeting you' . Therapy for me wasn't dealing with personal problems but more with the practical, medical and legal ones.

I went FT and transitioned in a job I had been employed in for other 20 years, my family didn't know, but willingly accepted me.

To be totally and completely honest, no one gave a damn. It is more of a problem in our head than in anyone else's!

I have lost a few people but I have gained 10 for every loss.

And I'm happy. The people who love me are happy. I have lost nothing.

So don't despair, plan what you wish to do and do it.

You may be surprised on the outcome!

Hugs and my love and support at any time.

I do know what it is like

Cindy

[bethany]

ChelseaAnn, Before you can make anyone else happy you have to be happy yourself. You need to do whats right for you, not what anyone else thinks is right for you.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I hope everything works out for you. It's a major upheaval for most people, remember that time to think can be the best tool in gaining acceptance. Hugs, Devlyn

[Alice Elanore]

Honestly, before you do anything even related to suicide, you should exhaust all other options. Then, and only then should you even begin to contemplate death...and even then, don't you dare actually do it!

Suicide doesn't fix anything, even for yourself...people of most every religion will tell you that it's not of the good (yes, even atheists). It helps no one. If you think you should come out on facebook, then go ahead. You never know who might be supportive.

And always, always remember: even though we've never met, even though we've never seen each other, face to face, even though we may never play games together, or drink together, or cry, or laugh, or dance together, we love and support you.

And I think it's safe to say that most everyone on Susan's agrees with me.

You might not have your first family supporting you, but you do have this one...and I think there are a lot of us.

A hug from every member here...that's a lot of hugs!

With love,
Alice

[Beth Andrea]

The problem with the internet is not only does one not see the other's non-verbal cues (body language, facial expressions, etc), but also there's no way of knowing who is reading. In fact, I try to avoid suicide threads just because I know I'm triggered easily...

I wish the OP the best, and you too, Alice.

*hugs*

[Cindy]

Hi Beth and Alice,

It's 2 am and I've just had to get out of bed, the horrors are back for a while. They are haunting me at the moment.

Don't argue please. Not about this.

Sorry not very rational.

[ChelseaAnn]

Looks like everything's over... I was completely honest with my wife. She's not staying..... I'm upset, really sad...

[Sammy]

Looks like everything's over... I was completely honest with my wife. She's not staying..... I'm upset, really sad...

In most cases, they never stay - it is a rare miracle and blessing, when they do, but we should not hope for that. Her life has changed too and it will never be the same from this day on. She is in pain and suffering too .

[Alice Elanore]

I wish I could be there for you. I mean really be there, shoulder to cry on...unfortunately, unless you live in Wisconsin, this is the best I can do...

I can't say you're better off without her - I barely know you and I don't know her, but at the very least, you were honest with yourself and you were honest with her. Sometimes, that's just about the best we can do in life.

Maybe this will be good for you, maybe this will be the worst thing to ever happen to you...I can't really speak with the voice of experience here, as nothing like this has ever happened to me...but I wish you the best, and I hope that things only get better for you.

[Beth Andrea]

Hi Beth and Alice,

It's 2 am and I've just had to get out of bed, the horrors are back for a while. They are haunting me at the moment.

Don't argue please. Not about this.

Sorry not very rational.

Very rational, Cindy. I deleted my post, it doesn't belong here.

My apologies to the OP, and hope she sticks around...many of us have been through the same thing (loss of wife, family, everything).

There is hope! It will get better...*hugs*

[ChelseaAnn]

Thanks everyone. She'll b going back to Jersey eventually. Probably won't see my son again ...

[Ltl89]

I'm really sorry Chelsea. 

Maybe things will turn around?  People tend to take the news harshly at first.  At the very least, you can try to improve your personal relationship, even if it is no longer romantic, for the sake of your son.  This may be a new beginning rather than the ending of anything.  So try to be strong at this point.  I know it's difficult.  Hang in there.