... Love you too mom

[Yukari-sensei]

Why does one person's opinion matter so much to me?!

When I came out to my mother, she told me, "I love you and accept you no matter what;  but you are just making it harder to get another job"

Another day she insisted on telling me, "You can't afford to be a mental patient! Of course you feel great going to therapy! You're paying someone to tell you nothing is your fault!"

Making matters worse, after being invited to join her at a restaurant for dinner, "out of respect for me,  you will not come see me like that." (the only thing femme about me at the time was my jeans and nails)

And the final twist of the knife, "I'm happy for you, I really am; but if you can afford to do this, you really don't need anymore help from me. I personally think you have more to lose following this path than to gain. But it's up to you if you want to join us anymore for trips and outings"


There are alot of people in my position that have it worse, and I know it. It really shouldn't matter to me, but her words and attitude just hurt so much!   My beloved mother, our family's very own Florence Nightingale! One of my dearest inspirations to the nursing profession, wellspring of infinite compassion and the voice of tolerance, seems to have no empathy or compassion for me.

[stavraki]

Why does one person's opinion matter so much to me?!

When I came out to my mother, she told me, "I love you and accept you no matter what;  but you are just making it harder to get another job"

Another day she insisted on telling me, "You can't afford to be a mental patient! Of course you feel great going to therapy! You're paying someone to tell you nothing is your fault!"

Making matters worse, after being invited to join her at a restaurant for dinner, "out of respect for me,  you will not come see me like that." (the only thing femme about me at the time was my jeans and nails)

And the final twist of the knife, "I'm happy for you, I really am; but if you can afford to do this, you really don't need anymore help from me. I personally think you have more to lose following this path than to gain. But it's up to you if you want to join us anymore for trips and outings"


There are alot of people in my position that have it worse, and I know it. It really shouldn't matter to me, but her words and attitude just hurt so much!   My beloved mother, our family's very own Florence Nightingale! One of my dearest inspirations to the nursing profession, wellspring of infinite compassion and the voice of tolerance, seems to have no empathy or compassion for me.

Hi there Yukari,

Too often I've seen that place where a parent is tested to the limits of their tolerance as they turn on their children, and I know the experience as well from having my mother reject me for being gay.  She was so protective, loyal and kind as a child, but same-sex attraction pushed her past what she could cope with.  She was from another time and world--Greek woman from a village, during a time when the world was mad with two World Wars (she was born two years or so into WWII), right when the Germans invaded but holds early memories of the war--can you imagine realising you're alive, as a kid, and the first memories are of bullet holes, bloodshed, machine guns and so on.  Add to that the strict rules of the time about sex, gender and religious politics....

So - fast forwards.  Here we are in the 21st century, and here I type reading your story and see a beautiful person, cause they love their mum so much, in pain, who is facing that time of awakening when mum, the beautiful, kind woman who reared you has gone a little off tap, as she struggles with her own inner shame and has a battle inside herself with her own demons of her past.  She has not yet realised that is her problem and is not actually about you, but about her need to live part of her life, through you.  If she's an insightful person, at some point, such as when she's crying alone, wondering where her child's gone and why they left her life, she may come to the realisation about herself: she hurt you and to protect yourself, you took yourself further away from her.  You are grieving.   I am so very sad to hear your story.

I don't know which way she will go.  Some mums go the whole journey for their kids, some go part of the way, and people develop a 'truce' and understanding, but are not truly at peace about it.  Some kids and mums lose each other.

Whatever happens--for your journey--to keep you strong during your ordeals and trials--a *high five*--and be true to your inner experience of who you are.  Keep your faith in love, by being sure to love yourself.  Get kindness and support in your life.  Find the company of fellows who know what you're struggling with.  Live.  Grow strong.  And be kind to yourself.

stav

[xchristine]

It sounds like your mother is a manipulative b

Trying to make you conform to her wants regardless
Of your needs....which is extremely disgusting
Imo

[stavraki]

It sounds like your mother is a manipulative b

Trying to make you conform to her wants regardless
Of your needs....which is extremely disgusting
Imo

She's not being a sensitive mom atm -- ya, she does sound a little bit like 'do as I expect or I'll reject u darling, but I love you' doesn't she ......It's lovely of u to be cross on his behalf.  I kinda know where ur comin' from....

cheers
stav

[suzifrommd]

I personally think you have more to lose following this path than to gain.

I wonder if she really understands why we transition. Before you give up on her might be helpful if she understands:

1. Transgender is not something you chose.

2. It typically doesn't go away on its own.

3. It can be really serious. Depression and suicide are common among people who don't transition.

4. It can't be "cured". The only known effective treatment is to transition to live in your true gender.

There is a shocking amount of ignorance over transgender, and it may be your mother would be more compassionate if she understood. You might have to repeat each of these several times before it sinks in.

Or she may simply lack the necessary sensitivity, but I'd at least try to educate her before deciding you need to put distance between you. If it turns out she's not receptive to learning about transgender, you can always decide to limit your contact then.

[Sammy]

My mother is saying exactly the same things . Plus, she does drop from time to time some sentences about someone being selfish and not thinking about others. Surprisingly, she took quite well the information that I have been on hormones for one month and said that it should be ok, providing that there are no drastic visual changes. It says something about the level of understanding - and she claimed to be an expert on everything before. I decided not to go into details that I have absolutely no idea about possible visual changes and I am just jumping in .

Yeah, a couple of days ago she visited me and of course I got a comment about my hair - how it does not look like anything and I should see the haircutter, who would make a decent crew cut - if I want to keep a longer "tail" its fine, but it should be short on the sides. I said I was going to wait until the sides will grow out to pull and tie everything together and she replied that this wont suit me at all... She has absolutely no idea how I might look, but she is confident that it wont suit me. I decided not to say her that a crew cut with long back hair would look totally ridiculous too.

So, I think, I know how You feel. We do love our mothers, but it gets frustrating at times...

[barbie]

I wonder if she really understands why we transition. Before you give up on her might be helpful if she understands:

1. Transgender is not something you chose.

2. It typically doesn't go away on its own.

3. It can be really serious. Depression and suicide are common among people who don't transition.

4. It can't be "cured". The only known effective treatment is to transition to live in your true gender.

I have seen very few people who understand those facts. Even those people who accept and sometimes praise me do not understand those facts, including my parents. Only my wife stands by me, and dimly understands, but accept fully my ->-bleeped-<-. And, she respects me because I sustain my family economically and emotionally as a dad.

barbie~~

[Yukari-sensei]

Thank you everyone for hearing me vent. I'm feeling alot better and dare I say more hopeful.

Stavraki, thank you for your words of encouragement tempered with the realism that some people cannot comprehend or bear knowledge of certain things. My mother being a migrant farm worker as a child, I need to remember the strict gender roles my mother grew up with.

Christine, thank you for your empathy and feeling the outrage I felt too guilty to express. I know it can be true, but I try to see the best in people. Something to be honest, my mother taught me. We all have our bad moments and we try to overshadow them with our goodness. Maybe she'll do the same eventually concerning this.

Suzi, thank you for sharing that and reminding me why I'm now on the correct path. I suppressed myself for so long, to please everyone around me, that I wonder if I could do it again. I guess I feel guilty for feeling more alive and happier than I have in a long time. In the end, as long as I have people around me like my beloved wife understand what I was going through, by seeing my growing hope - everything will be right in the end.

Emily, I'm sorry you're going through the same grief with your mother as well. I hope mine comes around and I hope yours does too. All of our mothers drive us crazy, but we still love them anyway.

Barbie, I know what you're saying is true, but I'm going to hold my mom up to a higher standard. She is an RN and clinical knowledge synthesized with compassion is the greatest virtue of her profession. My sister tells me that she has caught her doing research on the subject, I hope this is because she is trying to find understanding.

Thank you everyone once again for hearing my rant and balming me with words of kindness and understanding.

[stavraki]

Thank you everyone for hearing me vent. I'm feeling alot better and dare I say more hopeful.

Stavraki, thank you for your words of encouragement tempered with the realism that some people cannot comprehend or bear knowledge of certain things. My mother being a migrant farm worker as a child, I need to remember the strict gender roles my mother grew up with.

Christine, thank you for your empathy and feeling the outrage I felt too guilty to express. I know it can be true, but I try to see the best in people. Something to be honest, my mother taught me. We all have our bad moments and we try to overshadow them with our goodness. Maybe she'll do the same eventually concerning this.

Suzi, thank you for sharing that and reminding me why I'm now on the correct path. I suppressed myself for so long, to please everyone around me, that I wonder if I could do it again. I guess I feel guilty for feeling more alive and happier than I have in a long time. In the end, as long as I have people around me like my beloved wife understand what I was going through, by seeing my growing hope - everything will be right in the end.

Emily, I'm sorry you're going through the same grief with your mother as well. I hope mine comes around and I hope yours does too. All of our mothers drive us crazy, but we still love them anyway.

Barbie, I know what you're saying is true, but I'm going to hold my mom up to a higher standard. She is an RN and clinical knowledge synthesized with compassion is the greatest virtue of her profession. My sister tells me that she has caught her doing research on the subject, I hope this is because she is trying to find understanding.

Thank you everyone once again for hearing my rant and balming me with words of kindness and understanding.

anytime may ur inner strength grow as u move forwards, yet the scars of life etch you with wisdom, not bitterness.  Hang in there

I also read this upstream

<snip>-- Plus, she does drop from time to time some sentences about someone being selfish and not thinking about others--<snip>

This one never fails to astonish.  But it's too often used by people in the wrong direction--it's the scornful judgers of minority groups who bear the burden of being selfish--blind selfishness.  To suggest that a human being is being selfish for having a gender identity is about as logical as saying the sun rises in the west.

How that it can be that people turn around a label of selfishness, upon the transgendered community, by somehow suggesting that 'selfishenss' is a function of their natural innate state of being!  The mind boggles.  I wonder if I said to your mother "are you sure you are a woman" how she would feel about that?

kind regards
stav

[Bookworm]

Love them or hate them they are our moms. My mom drives me nuts and she does not understand the whole trans thing, but she does care about me and she is trying to understand. She is always telling me to cut my hair and that is a sore subject around our house, but I digress. Some days are better than others and all I can do is hope that they will get better.

[Sammy]

Yes, we only have one mother and there will never be another one. And yes, sometimes, they drive us crazy, but anytime I wish to say something bad to her, I am trying to pause myself, think about it a bit and calm myself down. Spoken words cannot be taken back and one day I could be reflecting back upon something I had done or said to her and maybe I will be willing to deeply apologize for that.. Except that a day will come and she will not be there anymore to take my apology .
So, I better try to watch my tongue right now .