Bathroom lines and anxiety?

[vinnie413]

I bet this has been discussed before, but I thought I'd share an experience of mine and see what others have to say.

Last night I was in a restaurant, and I went to go use the bathroom. When i reached the door, someone had just left and I noticed every urinal was taken, as well as all stalls, with a few people waiting to use them.

Now, at a glance I pass well. But I live in a very heavily gay populated area, which tends to make people think I'm a lesbian upon second glance. This tends to make things annoying in the bathroom sense, as I am often told by men in the bathroom "This is the mens room" and I always respond "I know". I've been on T for 8 months now, and apparently I still just don't pass well enough.

So this time, seeing the line, i hesitated and almost went into the ladies room. But then I got too nervous for even that and ended up going back to my table to sit in shame for a good fifteen minutes. Then i proceeded to go to the bathroom again when it was empty.

So i guess, this is in general on the topic... what should I do to pass as male enough to not be seen as a lesbian in the wrong restroom? I've been on T almost a year now, you'd think I'd be able to use the restroom now. But getting told by people in the mens room that I'm in the wrong room has been discouraging.

[kenton_07]

I know how you feel as you must be getting towards the middle/end of the 'awkward' phase of your transition. A little after a year on T, I began passing instantaneously. I did avoid the bathroom situation as much as possible but with that, you just have to be confident in order for others to perceive that you are in fact male. Confidence says a lot about a person and I've noticed that being confident helps a hell of a lot. Typically if there is a line now even though I'm almost 2 years on T, I don't wait in the bathroom. I'll walk outside and wait for someone to walk out that I didn't see occupying a urinal. Or, just wait in line.

Just don't get nervous because you have every right to be in there. Acting nervous or scared alerts others so while you wait play on your phone or something. Whatever you do, you really shouldn't make eye contact with any man in the men's room because well, that is just how it is whether you are trans or not.

Try gaining more confidence by randomly going into men's bathrooms that aren't occupied just to get a feel for what to do even if you don't have to go to the bathroom. Go in there and just wash your hands even if someone else is in there. Chances are that at some point a guy will walk in as you are washing your hands or as you are leaving and just act normal like any other dude (for the majority) going to the bathroom would.

[Crow]

Oh man, I hate when that happens! One time, I was waiting awkwardly for a stall to open up in the bathroom, and a guy walked in and actually went back out to look at the sign and make sure he was in the right bathroom. Super embarassing.

Needless to say, I still haven't really mastered the art of bathroom lines. Honestly, when there aren't any stalls open, I tend to just leave and come back later instead of waiting around.

[aleon515]

Yeah I don't know I'd probably walk out. I feel an increase in anxiety when I walk in and waiting in line, esp since I don't pass 100%, don't think I'd like it.

--Jay

[vinnie413]

Yeah, before I started T someone walked in while a cismale friend of mine and I were washing our hands. He asked if he was in the right bathroom (my friend has looooong hair) and my friend turned to him and said yes. Seeing my friend's face convinced him, ahaha...

I try to do things confidently. Thats the only way I can EVER use the mens room. Just this time, it didnt work out that way. I don't know how I can dress entirely male and have a generally male looking face but still get interpreted as a lesbian. Its the troubles of living in San Francisco, i guess

[FTMDiaries]

Just don't get nervous because you have every right to be in there. Acting nervous or scared alerts others so while you wait play on your phone or something.

^ This is exactly what I do, and it works a treat.

In my opinion, until we get past the awkward stage and can pass 100%, it's our eyes that tend to give us away because they're one of the last facial features to masculinise. So if there's a queue I whip out my phone and check my Facebook, which diverts my eyes away from the other guys in the room so they can't see how soft they look. It also gives me something else to think about, so I feel less nervous.

As far as I know they haven't clocked me yet, and I'm still pre-T.

[Simon]

I usually go to the sinks and wash my hands while I assess the situation. If there's just a guy or two at the urinals it doesn't take long and they're usually done by the time my hands are washed/dried. I just stand close/not too close to the stalls and wait a minute or two. If it seems like the guys in the stalls are in there for the long haul (or if more guys come in to use the urinals) I'll leave and come back in 5 to 10 minutes. Standing around in a public restroom just seems awkward regardless of the one you're hovering in.

As far as the passing issue, I dunno. Luckily even when I didn't pass well I didn't have that issue. I would walk in and scurry to a stall as quickly as possible back then. Just appear like you're on a mission (gotta really go) and get in there. I've never made eye contact in a bathroom or directly looked at guys using the urinals. I just do my best to mind my own business and thankfully it has worked so far.

[vinnie413]

I usually go to the sinks and wash my hands while I assess the situation. If there's just a guy or two at the urinals it doesn't take long and they're usually done by the time my hands are washed/dried. I just stand close/not too close to the stalls and wait a minute or two. If it seems like the guys in the stalls are in there for the long haul (or if more guys come in to use the urinals) I'll leave and come back in 5 to 10 minutes. Standing around in a public restroom just seems awkward regardless of the one you're hovering in.

As far as the passing issue, I dunno. Luckily even when I didn't pass well I didn't have that issue. I would walk in and scurry to a stall as quickly as possible back then. Just appear like you're on a mission (gotta really go) and get in there. I've never made eye contact in a bathroom or directly looked at guys using the urinals. I just do my best to mind my own business and thankfully it has worked so far.

The thing is though, even when I'm minding my own business, guys still come up to me to tell me I'm in the wrong room. What the hell, right?

I'd say about 10% of the time, I have someone tell me I'm in the wrong room, but 90% of the time I go unnoticed and get to pee in peace. I even own an stp so i could technically use the urinal, but I fear theyd look at my junk and see its a medicine spoon....

i think my paranoia must be coming off as a pheromone and alerting them to my presence

[Soren]

The thing is though, even when I'm minding my own business, guys still come up to me to tell me I'm in the wrong room. What the hell, right?

I'd say about 10% of the time, I have someone tell me I'm in the wrong room, but 90% of the time I go unnoticed and get to pee in peace. I even own an stp so i could technically use the urinal, but I fear theyd look at my junk and see its a medicine spoon....

i think my paranoia must be coming off as a pheromone and alerting them to my presence

If you're not in a very gay-friendly place, it's unlikely that they'll look at your junk, and if they do, they won't say anything, because straighty-straight guys don't look at guy's junk in the bathroom.
For the 10% time, have you considered just flipping them off? That seems to be the standard nonchalant cis response when masculinity is questioned.

[spacerace]

For the 10% time, have you considered just flipping them off? That seems to be the standard nonchalant cis response when masculinity is questioned.

This sorta seems like a great way to quickly escalate the situation to a place it would not have otherwise gone

[Soren]

This sorta seems like a great way to quickly escalate the situation to a place it would not have otherwise gone

I suppose it might. I don't use public washrooms.

[aleon515]

This sorta seems like a great way to quickly escalate the situation to a place it would not have otherwise gone

I would tend to avoid challenges, which this might be seen as. I couldn't meet the challenge physically. A humorous response might be good. Cant' think of one, perhaps "I'm a card carrying guy" and look like I am pulling out my wallet. Don't know just how well that would fly.

As luck would have it I *am* a card carrying guy!

--Jay

[Mac]

Kenton's right. It has a lot  to do with your confidence.
I'm not going through transition nor am I on T and although i'm passing at first glance, often people get confused if they look again, yet I have used the mens' bathroom quite a few times with no questions asked, weird looks or remarks about me not belonging there. I simply go in, head up and showing confidence that this is where I need to go and I always pass...even when I went into a full bathroom in a packed club and had to stand in line...guys looked at me and went on (and let me tell you that me standing in line between other men looked weird, since guys here are like giants, over 6'3" and I'm only 5'4" and still had no problem).

It's the same as going to the women's bathroom when you're wearing a binder and present as a guy, btw. You might have women show you the way to the mens' bathroom, telling you this is the ladies bathroom, unless you'd go in confident (had that happen to me a few times too, when the guy's bathroom was full and I decided on going to the womens' rather than wait).