Question for a Friend

[Rachel84]

I need it, or I'm afraid I'll kill myself, and the chances of that increase the longer I have this..thing...dangling between my legs. Either that or home surgery, which could lead to death anyway.

Learning to live is absolutely right.  Death is a real possibility with doing any "at home surgery".  Bleeding out from something like that can happen very easily.  There's a reason it takes years for surgeons to get qualified, these are very serious procedures.  Not only that but mutilation can make things more difficult later on when getting the surgery done professionally.  Trying to do something like that will never end well.  I really hope you get help from a therapist and forego the idea of doing this to yourself.

[Sol Luca]

I will. The whole reasom I'm choosing to get assistance in this is because I DON'T want to end up killing myself.

If it comes down to it, I'll do the RLE. I won't be pleased about it, but I'll do it. Then after surgery I'll just go back to presenting as male anyway (which is what I want to do in the first place, creates less problems).

[Jess42]

Sol Luca. This might not be the popular answer but you really need to explore yourself through therapy and at least try to find out why your genitals cause you such dysphoria. Albeit for me to tell anyone how to live but once it's gone, it can't be undone and the decision you make will be permanant. Also after the surgery you will be female and may end up facing the same sort of dysphoria our brothers face if you are in fact comfortable in the male persona and wish to be one again. You could say all the right things to a therapist but a good one may end up picking up on the conflict. Whether you believe it or not Psychological therapists do care and really don't want you to make a non reversable life changing decision that may not be right for you. All I'm saying is to be 100% in what you want and why you want it because that decision will be permanant after surgery and for the rest of your life. I would say instead of using therapy to just be able to get SRS, use it to get to know yourself and why you need it in order to be happy. Believe me after you get to know about yourself, the transition may be a whole lot easier and less confusing.

[Jamie D]

helps....no.....but thanks

but...damn....ugh....

I'm in ontario

<.<

I do plan on going through the psychiatrists/therapists and stuff. But like this whole post is about, I'm worried about them not accepting me as trans because I'm not ready to fully transition yet. But if I don't get a gender change I know I'm going to end up killing myself. As I said my last attempt was just last month.

Suicidal thoughts, ideation, and attempts in our community are far too common.

It is important, then, to get yourself on a path that provides a stable framework for transition.

You might want to look at this listing to start with:

http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_results.php?sid=1374081664.6923_19703&city=Windsor&state=ON&spec=187&lmore=22

[Sol Luca]

*nods*

Yes I realize that I'm not a common case. Of course, who knows, maybe talking to a therapist will help me accept transitioning.

I know that I want genital surgery. I've wanted it for over half of my life, I'm 20 now, and have been feeling this way since I was 7 or 8. For many many years I did not think that it was okay, so I hid those feelings away and I missed much of my puberty window for hormones. Talking with a therapist may make me understand why I want surgery, but I don't think it will suddenly make me want it any less.

On a side note, I told my parents yesterday. About feeling this way. I was so ->-bleeped-<-ing scared, but I went through with it.

And, the shocking thing is, they were supportive. I was definitely not expecting that. It made me so happy. At one point I said, "I'm sorry. Sorry that I feel this way."   And my father looked at me with his eyebrows raised and said, "Why?" . That made me very happy. ^//^

[Jess42]

Sol Luca. It's really good that your parents understand and your father asking you why shows something very good on their part.

No, therapy will probably not lessen your feelings or the dysphoria. It my however allow you to understand why you have these feelings and then you can find specific ways to counter them in order to make them bearable at least.

Don't worry so much about being a common case. No two people are the same, this is true for the whole of the human race. There are no black and whites when it comes to being transgendered. How one person finds ways to bring the mind and body in synche with one another someone else may not find very helpful at all.

Just remember that you are not alone and it sounds like your parents are supportive.

[Ltl89]

I will. The whole reasom I'm choosing to get assistance in this is because I DON'T want to end up killing myself.

If it comes down to it, I'll do the RLE. I won't be pleased about it, but I'll do it. Then after surgery I'll just go back to presenting as male anyway (which is what I want to do in the first place, creates less problems).

Why do you want to go back to being male after the surgery?  I'm not judging at all, just confused.  Do you want to be a male with a vagina?  It's cool if that's what you want, but I'm not getting that from you. I mean you are posting in the mtf forum and have a female gender marker.   You said you missed your opportunity to start hormones in your last post.  That is likely not true.  Honestly, you may find the surgery won't be enough for you to begin with.   Since you need to go through the transition process before the surgery, it's a moot point but one worth examining further. 

[Sol Luca]

Yeah I suppose I do. I really only contemplated going full mtf, fully transitioning, because I thought it was expected, I was trying to fit my feelings into the labelled box that others made. As I am biologically male but wanting to become more feminine, I thought the mtf thread made logical sense.

I believe I'm bigender. That I exhibit two genders. That's why, although I feel like I am (also) female, I am okay with presenting as male.

However the part of me that is female has a very hard time with having male parts, and it's causing me much distress. And leading to dysphoria and depression.

Does that make things a little clearer? ^.^;

(I'm not good with words, heh)

Edit: I really haven't looked much into it before. I've been hiding my feelings for at least half a decade, even from myself. Only in the last two weeks or so, since my suicide attempt, have I been looking into and trying to accept the way I feel. I didn't even know the term bi-gender existed until just a few days ago, but, I think it describes exactly the way I feel.

I'm still learning. I'm sorry.

[Jamiep]

Hi Sol Luca,

Is it okay to ask where in Ontario that you live? Are you rural or a big city? Is there LGBTQIA support organization in your community? I live in Mississauga a suburb west of Toronto. You really need to see a gender therapist if one is available. You realize now you are still learning, you need that therapist to work through who you are & what you want to achieve, so that precludes informed consent. Even that would not have gotten you to jump past go directly to the chopping block, so that means turning the genital to vagina.

Good for you on the bravura to come out to your parents. This is a blessing that they are understand! Seems like they suspected for quite a while you have gender issues.

I don't know if SRS is done in Ontario, but there is Dr. Brassard in Montreal. I have a friend that lives in Montreal go to him. Have patience.
Take care
Jamiep

[Sol Luca]

I live in Windsor. I'm not sure if there is, I know there's a pride centre, but I don't know if there's anything around that pertains to getting help for being transgender.

And yes, I know. I have nothing against seeing a therapist and I want to. I know what I want though in terms of my goal. I guess what learningtolive said so eloquently is pretty accurate as to my goal; to be a male with a vagina. I know that will appease both sides of my gender. I just hope people will take me seriously. I brought this up on a different site and people started calling me a fetishist...which, obviously, it isn't. It's difficult when you are outside the binary, and what people are used to seeing, I suppose. Help seems to be made for certain individuals, and if someone like me doesn't fit into those guidelines, it seems like the help isn't available. But we'll see. The days are crawling closer to my first trip to the Teen Health centre to talk to a professional, I'll be able to make a better judgement then.

My parents were completely taken aback actually. They had no idea. But, I think by telling them that I was gay last year, I might have made them more open-minded to stuff. I wouldn't mind travelling to get SRS done, to Montreal or to the Prairie provinces if there's none in Ontario. That can always be worked out once I get the green light.