So. Working up to telling my wife.

[Amy The Bookworm]

My apologies if this is the wrong place to post this. I've been talking to my therapist for about a month, and am now working to tell my wife, hopefully in the next two to three weeks. What I'm doing is writing a letter to her that I am going over with my therapist and editing slowly. When I tell her, I intend to wait until my daughter is at her grandmother's house. Then sit down next to her at the table and read it out loud to her. This is what I have so far:

***

               You keep asking me what's wrong. Why over the last several years I haven't seemed happy. What I'm going to therapy for. I think, even before I started therapy that over the last few years, you have probably noticed for a while that something is seriously bothering me. It's wrong for me not to tell you anymore.

   So, I'm going to tell you. This isn't easy for me to admit to anyone. It's even harder to say out loud. I'm not proud of it, but it's the truth. So, before I start, please, please keep this confidential. I'm not ready for this to become common knowledge. Not only that, it could be potentially dangerous to me if the wrong person found this out about me. So please, don't discuss it with anyone but myself at least for now, or if you wish, with my therapist, or even yours. Before I move on, I want you to know I'm open to any questions once I finish.

   There's no easy way to say it, so I'm going to just come out and say it.

   I'm a transgender woman.

   I'm in the early process of transitioning from male to female, which I suppose, makes me specifically a transsexual. Mentally I've done so for a long time, which is why I think very few people even question my gender on line when talking to me in text when they have never seen or heard me. I don't think like a man, because at least mentally, I'm not. This is a big part of why I don't like admitting I'm Trans, even if it is the truth. I don't identify as a transsexual. I identify as a woman. There is no pill or therapy to make me feel differently, either.
   I've looked.

   The only current accepted 'cure', if you will that I have found for being trans is to transition to the gender one feel most comfortable with. I've read in several places that say it's one of the most successful therapies in all of medicine as far as success rate in terms of quality of life.

   ... I'm not sure where to start.

   I guess I'll start medically. There's a lot of current research strengthening the case that there is a strong neurological component to being transgender, and according to some studies I've read, possibly even a few minor physical traits that in passing no one would even notice.

   Transsexuals have existed since the dawn of recorded history (and most likely before), and up until the rise of Christianity were typically thought of as enlightened due to our ability to think about things from two very different views (I can think of things in a masculine or feminine view point . . . though I am more comfortable and often in agreement with the more feminine view of things).

   I didn't choose to be this way.

   WHO WOULD?!

   Regardless of if I transition or not ... this is what I am. The only choice I'm making is choosing to be myself. And it's not easy, because I haven't for so long. I didn't even really realize I had a choice until 3 years ago. That's honestly a big part of what I'm dealing with in therapy at the moment. Getting past on an emotional level that I'm not crazy, and figuring out that there's really nothing wrong with being myself, and how to go about doing that.

   The specific medical diagnosis (recently updated this year in March) is Gender Dysphoria, though it's often still referred to by its old designation of Gender Incongruity Disorder (or GID).

   It's not a mental disorder to be Trans. Most issues are from the way everyone else reacts to us in society and the stress of simply being transgendered puts in someone's life . . . transition or not in a society that doesn't make room for us.

   Despite that it took me a month after this to actually make a phone call to start seeking help, in May I finally reached a breaking point. I've tried so hard not to be transgender. I don't want to hurt my family, or confuse anyone, or scare anyone, or be thought of as a freak, or make anyone uncomfortable or anything else. I just want to be me. But . . . I'm not stupid. I know how people like me are (wrongly) portrayed in the media until very recently, and I know what people think. I know how they can react.

   So I went out and was going to try to kill myself rather than deal with it. I mean . . . seriously . . . now that you know, given where we live, is it any wonder to you that I might have felt that way?

   I couldn't do it. There are three things that made me think twice about it. One is our daughter. I just can't put her through the same thing my mother put me through when I was about her age. It's too cruel. Next is you. I realized if I went through with it, I would probably hurt you more if I killed myself than I would if I told you, even if it leads to us getting divorced. The last is simple enough.
   I WANT TO LIVE!

   Not be someone so that other people are happy and comfortable or because I'm worried I might offend someone by existing or by being different in their presence. I want to BE ME without apology or regret or guilt. Just like everyone else.
   It's crossed my mind that, now that I've told you, I could very well lose it all. They say that love is giving someone the power to absolutely destroy you, and hoping they don't. And that's what I'm doing now.

   You've met my dad and heard him talk about what his reaction would be if any of his kids ever turned out to be gay. So, you already know that when I tell my parents this ... they're going to probably disown me. So I already know when I do this, I'm going to lose just about my entire side of the family, because most of them think like he does. So, it's quite likely that you and [my daughter] may wind up being the only family I have left.

   I'm just ... tired of being and feeling fake, and feeling like I'm being dishonest with how I portray myself.

   I trust you, and I love you, but I'm also not going to lie. I'm scared. I have no idea what your reaction will be.
   I will say that I do want you to be here for me during this and afterward, because this is going to take a lot of time and work. Transitioning is very complex, and there's a lot of decisions to make, most of which I haven't yet (some I'm honestly probably not even aware of), and I'm willing to put things off if need be while we discuss it. Some things I'm open to not doing if it will help you to be more comfortable, others, I'm honestly not open to discussing but am open to waiting for, and still other, smaller things I would like to start doing soon.
   I appreciate you, I respect you, and I love you dearly, but in order for me to be able to truly enjoy and live my life, this is something I need to do.

   Please, help me.

***

Any advice?

[Cindy]

Hugs darling.

There is nothing easy in our lives.

I presume from your references that you live in some rather bigoted part of the world, probably the USA? So you may have the religious claptrap thrown at you that trans* can be cured. So be ready for that.

You will also I suspect get from your wife the very very reasonable question of; why did you marry me and ruin my life?
She will be in pain and she will not understand.

She may come around a little after some time.

I would print out some of th literature about the from the Web site. If she wants to read about it herself.

My heart goes out to you.

Love
Cindy

[peky]

Since you asked for advice, here goes my comments:

You will never be able to finish your letter....it is nice you wrote it but keep it to yourself as a sort of big picture to what it is all about. At this point I would advice against giving it to her or anybody else.

You will never be able to finish your letter because she will interrupt you, there is just way to much information in the letter. Keep it simple: "Honey, I have been seeing a therapist because all my life I have been struggling with a sense that my gender is that of female, and as I get older the urges to be myself are becoming intolerable"


After your "declaration" she (in shock) is going to ask you the typical: "so, you want to become a woman?" What you answer (truthfully) would mark the way things turn out in your near future. If you said: "Yes," then chances are you marriage will end (regardless of the sweet stories you will find in Susan's, the harsh reality is that most of us end up in divorce). If you say: "No," well she will automatically go in the "we can cure him-this is just a phase-mode," and well.....long road ahead for you and her...

Now, there is a variety of factors that would bear into the narrative: you and her level of education, sources of income, number of years marriage, number and age of children, religious affiliations, who do you work for, etc...


My final summary advice is: prepare for the worst (divorce, spousal and child support), and hope for the best

[Mary81]

I am in no way an expert on this, so please don't feel like you need to take my advice.

I agree with Peky. It is good to prepare all your thoughts and feelings ahead of time, but you should think of the letter you wrote as being more for yourself than for her. I told my wife last weekend. Before I told her I prepared for what feels like years. In the end I managed to say only "I am seeing a therapist for gender identity..." before she started asking questions. I suspect this has been the case with most of our married sisters.

It is probably best to decide what it is you want and what it is you are prepared to give up to get those things. That way you can respond once the conversation becomes two-sided. With any luck your wife will understand and be supportive of you. You never know.

Cindy is also right that it might help if you print out some literature or keep some web addresses in mind so that she can find out more information once the initial conversation is over.

Good luck with everything.   
Mary

[Alaia]

I agree with what the others say about you not being able to get through that letter when you first tell her. There's just going to be too many questions. However, if you feel afterwards that some things were left unsaid or that she still doesn't understand where you are at, then a letter at that point could help.

I'm actually working on such a letter for my wife as it's becoming clear that she doesn't believe I'm going to go through with transitioning. And this is partly my fault as I've been trying to protect her feelings through this. When she asks me if I love her and if I'm going to leave her I respond "Of course I love you. I don't want to ever leave you." And then she responds "So I win then?", and I just bite my tongue or say "What do you mean by win?".

And this is because she has a lot of fears that need addressed. Fear that she'll lose the man she loved and her dreams of our future together. Fear that I'm going to leave her. Fears that she'll be left with the kids to fend for herself. Fear of the unknown future.

And I don't want to leave her, but I'm not going to stop progressing towards transition either. I can't go back to being the miserable person I was. She needs to know that and I need to adamantly reinforce that to her. She also needs to know that I have fears too. And also that my choosing to transition is not the same as choosing to leave her. Choosing whether to continue the relationship will be dependent on both of us. And hopefully it'll be a choice made once we both have all our cards on the table and can see each others needs.

Anyway, my letter is to express my thoughts on these things to her. I'm sure I'll get through it though because it's not coming as a shock like it was when I first told my wife about my feelings. In your case, the letter is good for mentally preparing yourself, but don't expect that you will be able to finish it. Maybe later you can do a follow up letter like mine, especially if she tends to dominate any conversations you have.

[StellaB]

I'm another one who feels you should keep the letter to yourself.

The letter is a bad move because your coming out affects not just you, but also your wife, and the part where you do address her and talk about the relationship is at the end. She will be in shock from pretty much the start, so what comes later might not register with her.

These are things she could say which you really do need to find answers for.

"I married a man, not a woman."

This is a woman who agreed to form a relationship with you and marry you based on her attraction to you and her acceptance of you as a man. The moment you start to mention that you're transgendered you throw all of that completely up in the air.

I'm assuming at this point that it's been a good marriage and stable. A lot of women put a lot of responsibility onto their relationships, it's their security, their hopes, the basis for the lives they lead. It's synonymous with the home, and is something which has taken all their energy, all their emotions, feelings, not to mention the financial investment and hard work.

There's no way round it, what you're about to come out with will radically change all that. This is not to diminish your involvement or participation in the marriage but you did get married and you are, like it or not, in this together.

"Why didn't you tell me about this before?"

The moment you reveal that you are "a transgendered woman" together with the shock your wife is going to feel betrayed, deceived, possibly even cheated. This is especially true if up to this point you shared everything in your marriage and there were no secrets.

This sort of revelation hits with the force of an express train because there's no tell tale signs, and even if you think there were  any suspicion that you might be trans was way off your wife's radar.

This might have the effect of completely destroying the trust between you. You could end up going from being perceived as the closest person in her life to becoming a monster in her home, a behemoth..

"What now?"

Yes exactly - what now?

You're dealing with one of the hardest aspects of transitioning - coming out. This is where you put any relationship on a knife edge, the knife is razor sharp, and the relationship comes out either split, damaged or intact. Coming out to close family and partners is especially stressful.

Obviously I'm no way an expert but here from my personal experience (individual) I would make the following suggestions:

Try to maintain a dialogue.

You are going to be stressed, there's no way you can cushion or protect your wife from any of the shock or hurt that this could cause, but I strongly feel that coming out needs to be face to face and done in the form of a dialogue, and not as a letter. You didn't get married by letter, did you? You stood there right beside her, and this needs to be done also beside her.

Giving her a letter simply gives her a lot of time to form and develop a lot of preconceived notions which - as she has probably never seen you in female form - isn't likely to go in your favour.

Try to keep it personal.

Coming up with data and statistics from websites and stuff are things your wife can do all by herself on any computer using Google.

You're going to have to come up with 'The Story' anyway, which is your history of your experiences and your journey from male to female (everyone who's trans seems to have one) and this is an ideal opportunity to start. You can talk about how gender dysphoria has affected your life, your fears about sharing these feelings with others, and what you're going through in finally opening up to your wife and sharing this secret world with her.

How is it affecting you personally? What issues and problems have you had to deal with? What are the conflicts you have to deal with on a daily basis?

Admit to the deception.

You know why you kept it to yourself for this long, I'm sure we can all understand here on Susan's, but your wife might see it completely differently. By admitting to the deception you also reveal the moral conflict of being trans often borne out of fear of rejection, hostility and a lack of acceptance.

Acknowledge her feelings and emotions as valid.

There's a major possibility that she's not going to react in the way you anticipated or envisaged. You've known about this for some time, she's only getting to find out about it now and will have to go through her own emotional process of dealing with it and internalizing it.

Try to work with her, rather than trying to get her or force her into reacting a certain way. Often when you give people complete freedom to react and express their emotions however which way it comes out it tends to work in your favour.

If she's angry let her be angry rather than responding to it and letting the dialogue escalate into a major row or argument. If she needs time or space let her have it.

Drop the woman, stick with transgendered.

Coming out with the fact that you're transgendered will be shocking enough without pointing out that you additionally see yourself as a woman which she could see as threatening or cheapening her femininity which could arouse resentment and diminish the possibility of an amicable outcome.

You might not be able to prevent a divorce, but surely it's better to divorce as friends rather than as adversaries - which you don't need however which way this pans out.

I would suggest making friendship a major priority. The relationship might survive of course, given strong enough feelings, but only she can decide on that.

Whatever happens and whatever you decide to do I hope it works out well enough for you to keep you from entering hell.

[Christine167]

Yes, I agree with all of the above. It's weird how so many of us get the same questions asked.

Now be sure to give yourself credit though. You've come a long way to just start that letter. There are still miles and miles to go before you are done but don't forget encourage yourself for your accomplishments so far both in life and in transition. 

[Mary81]

Exactly what Christine167 said.You should be proud of yourself, Amy, for taking this step! It is alway hard to put your feelings in writing, even if no one ever sees it.
StellaB, I am sure you could have scripted my wife's response for her. Your questions were almost word for word. It is indeed strange that no matter where we live or our own personal stories, somethings just always overlap!
Mary 

[Randi]

I agree with the others that say this is way too much information, coming much too quickly.

I never formally "came out" to my wife and daughter.   Eventually they told me that I was transsexual.

I started out by saying that I didn't feel comfortable as a man.  I don't like doing man things. I'd rather go to the opera than to a ballgame.

When I shaved off my body hair, my wife worried that I was gay and might leave her.  Now she knows better.  When my daughter observed my long, well manicured fingernails, she demanded that I trim them.

Now they both accept that and much more.

Think about how long it took you to accept your transsexuality.   You've  had years to think things through.  Give your family the same advantage.

[Amy The Bookworm]

Hugs darling.

There is nothing easy in our lives.

I presume from your references that you live in some rather bigoted part of the world, probably the USA? So you may have the religious claptrap thrown at you that trans* can be cured. So be ready for that.

You will also I suspect get from your wife the very very reasonable question of; why did you marry me and ruin my life?
She will be in pain and she will not understand.

She may come around a little after some time.

I would print out some of th literature about the from the Web site. If she wants to read about it herself.

My heart goes out to you.

Love
Cindy

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time to reply, but I have read the responses to my thread, and I wanted to thank you all for the advice. Some of it I need to consider, and some of it . . . Well, it's good to know I have my head in the right place when it comes to doing this. While that doesn't make it any easier, it does help.

Cindy, You'd be right. I live in the United States in Kansas, about an hour away from the Westboro Baptist Church. While they're obviously the worst of the worst (and I've seen them up close and personal) this is far from a tolerant part of the country that's open to new ideas.

I've done research, talked to psychiatrists, and asked my therapist . . . I know that if she tries to tell me this can be cured that she is wrong. And I know she may ask that question. And while I suppose it's kinda preaching to the choir here . . . I'll answer it here if only to fully form the thought in my own mind. The simple answer is I didn't know. I mean, I always had the thoughts and feelings for as far back as I can remember. But it was only in the last 3 years that I found a vocabulary that allowed me to express it. I would have told her before I got married if I had any idea and allowed her to make her choice then.

The fact that I simply didn't know is something that, regardless of her reaction, I'm going to regret for the rest of my life, both for her and myself.

Anyway I gotta go since she's coming home fairly soon.

Thank you all for the advice. You've been a real help.

[JoanneB]

I am not all that good at talking one on one. I do far better writing things down, organize my thoughts, and especially clarify them. Hopefully to a point that they all make sense, not just to myself, but to anyone else.

I have to agree with Peky. No matter how many times I "prep'ed" myself for a serious talk with my wife things quickly got sidetracked. Plus add in an overwhelming sense of dread and foreboding on the part of my wife as I try to build up to the topic at hand.

A short and simple presentation seems to work best. The prep work is needed, as Stella and others have said, to be prepared for the obvious questions to come.

Dropping the T-Bomb on a spouse is not easy. Even in my case with a wife who knew from about day one about my TG feelings and has been somewhat supportive for 30+ years. The first year after telling her I need to explore further was not easy as we worked through her big sense of betrayal and to some degree abandonment. Honest, open, and frequent communication has been the key to our success. As well as knowing when you reached the TMI point. Or, as I put it, the don't ask, don't tell policy. Today I have to say she is my biggest ally. Even getting on my case when I get into a "WTF am I doing" funk.

[Jaelithe]

I'm dealing with a similar situation myself.  I came out to my own wife about two years ago and while she seemed supportive at first, it was clear that the whole situation bothered her, due in no small part to the suddeness with which everything was dropped on her and the only cursory information I had at the time.  Long story short she eventually pursueded me to see if crossdressing would 'be enough', and has been very supportive of that. 

I'm hoping to broach the subject again this autumn, with more preparation.  I've taken to wearing my casual girly clothes and breast forms around the house on my days off(and sometimes when I'm out shopping on my own) and have been doing extensive research on the what, how, when etc of the transition process and local laws surrounding it. 

I realize that, even with all of this, there's still a strong chance that I'll lose her over this but I can only keep myself crammed into the 'man costume' for so long without completely losing my mind.

[Amy The Bookworm]

Well, I'm planning on talking to her tonight. I'm working on cleaning up the house as absolutely best I can (I'm a house wife over the summer when I'm not working on my education), my daughter is going to spend the weekend with her grandmother when she gets home from school, and then we're going to go out to eat when she gets home, and I'm going to talk to her when we get back from dinner. I've modified my letter quite a bit and have cut the length down to one and a half pages with the help of my therapist.

If for some reason I choke and back out this evening I'll be telling her tomorrow. About the only thing that's going to keep me from telling her within the next 48 hours will be if my daughter doesn't wind up staying with her grandmother. I want time for us to talk, and I want my daughter to be away if the conversation turns ... unpleasant.

Wish me luck.

[Amy The Bookworm]

So, I told my wife tonight.  It went surprisingly well. She said she's fine with it. A bit caught off guard but the more she thought about it, the more she seemed to realize that it made a lot of sense. We still have a lot to talk about, and some of her questions were things I haven't even figured out for myself yet. But it's nice knowing I'm not alone in this anymore. She made it very clear she didn't want a divorce and that she's fine with me working up to full transition, so long as I work with a therapist and see a doctor for proper medical evaluations. She also plans to go to talk to my therapist both with me and possibly alone at times.

I'm just so shocked, because I thought she would divorce me, happy, because she still loves and accepts me, and tired because it's late.

[Mary81]

Hello Amy,
Congratulations!  I'm happy for you that it went so well with your  wife. It will be very good for you to have an ally as you move forward in your transition.
Mary

[Amy The Bookworm]

Yeah I know! That was something that hit me that made me cry (Happy tears! I've /never/ done that before). Just the thought that I'm not alone in this anymore. I'm so happy already.