So . . . Transitioning in my 30s: My questions

[Amy The Bookworm]

I do have some questions I wish to ask.

I can find several images and video blogs of people in their 20s who transition, and several of people in their 40s/50s who transition, but almost none in their 30s. I am 32. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, what is this going to be like for me? I know hormones don't affect anyone the same. I can't find statistics about how successful they actually are and information on how much of a part age plays a part. I keep reading different lengths of time before one should start considering things like plastic surgery and breast augmentation. Does anyone have any way at all to even give me a hint as to how this might progress?

Also: How difficult is it to keep a job when I do this? It's crossed my mind that if things go badly with my wife, we'll get divorced, which would be a very bad place for me to be considering I've been a house wife (granted, pre-transition) for 3 years while also going to college full time. Finding a job is going to be hard enough with that long of a gap in my employment record, and my last job I was fired from (...they fired everyone who was highered about the time I was at the same time leading me to think that this was not truly done for the reasons they said, but that's ... a different topic!).

If I lose a job while transitioning, how does one go about finding a new one?

Any advice is welcome.

[JillSter]

Thank you for asking, Amy. I'm 37 and still on the fence myself. (Sooner than later if you're sure it's what you need)

I also can't find any evidence of 30-somethings' results on HRT, but I have read quite a bit about it and I can answer a few of your questions. I'll give you the short of it. I'm sure someone more informed will follow up with the long version.

First, hormones aren't a matter of success or failure. You will feminize over time. The changes are mostly related to your genetics, but age does play a role. The closer you are to puberty, the better your chances of feminizing more; but even that is no guarantee. Your bone structure will not change in your thirties, but you will lose muscle mass and develop female pattern fat distribution and softer skin which makes all the difference.

Some people get FFS or BA around 1.5 years, but it's in your best interest long term to wait until after 2 years for FFS (because your face may still change enough between 18-24 months to alter the effects of surgery) and up to 3 years for BA (for the same reason -- and you might end up with crooked boobs.)

Of course each person develops differently and it's up to you to decide when the right time comes for surgery. But be patient and consider the end result before making up your mind.

I can't speak about on-the-job transition.

I hope I was able to help.

[BunnyBee]

There are many women on susan's who transitioned in their 30's, including myself.  If you look, you should be able to find pics of some of them.  The effects of HRT vary greatly for everybody, though a general rule of thumb is that the sooner you start the better the effects and the less damage has to be erased.  Being in your 30's does NOT doom you to having bad results.  In any case you really should give HRT a couple years before seriously considering any cosmetic surgery, in my opinion.

[Mary81]

Hello Amy,
You and I are in very similar situations.  I am also in my early 30s and about to start my transition. I am really nervous about how effective hrt will be at my age. Im afraid is is a bit too late for me, but I know that that is not a good reason to put it off until I'm even older. I am angry at myself for not starting this sooner If I find any information, I will send it on to you.
About work. I guess it depends on your colleagues and your employers. I'm thinking to stay with my current employer till after srs when I can interview as the real me.
Mary

[xchristine]

I started my second transition last December.  I was and still
Am 39 years old...and I am developing just fine.
It will depend a lot on the hrt regimen taken...and how much

This is the wierd part...I first started younger...like
20 years ago...I am developing better today than I did
Back than...
So there is no hard rule...you have to rake the gamble and
See ...

[big kim]

I started HRT and electrolysis at 32 and transitioned at 33.I found it difficult but not impossible  to get a job as there was a lot of discrimination in 1991.I wish i had done it sooner

[JillSter]

I just want to add...

Your mind will change. I don't mean you'll change your mind (well, you might; I don't know what you're thinking,) I mean the way you think and feel will change with the hormones. It's not just physical.

Also, I want to add (and I don't mean to influence you one way or the other) I've been sure for fifteen years... and I still haven't started hormones. My situation with my family is a huge factor, but blah blah blah, if I was going to do it I should have done it a long time ago. Don't end up where I am, still trying to decide fifteen years later. If it's what you need, don't wait.

But some people choose not to transition, so I don't want to try to influence you. I'm just saying, figure out what you have to do and have no regrets.

[Sammy]

I am 35 and into it. I had quite some doubts before if I am really going to make it, but then I realised that its not about "being able to do this" but rather "if I am not going to do this now, I will have doubts and regrets for the rest of my life". Plus, I have no warranty that this wont be coming back in 5-10-15 years - I was actually pretty sure it would... So I better start now instead of putting a bullet in me later in my life.
You are quite correct about the lack of YT videos of 30+ transitioners, but I can PM You a couple of links with videos which are not that much upfront - they wont show up with standard keyword search. One of them really inspired me to start my transition .
I totally second one of the previous posters about mental changes - they are here after only 2 months. All tension and mental and emotional shackles are just gone. I have not burst out in tears yet for no apparent reason (well, not apparent for others, not me ), but seeing where I am now, I am pretty sure that in a month or two I totally could... I hope that would not happen while I am at work . I am still on early stages of the HRT, but my skin has already changed and eyes have gotten bigger. Also my face is softening up and some small changes are already there - I sometimes look into mirror and wonder how none of my uninformed colleagues (I am not out to everyone yet) is seeing it. But speaking about job and other social ties, I guess the thought that we might be trans and changing our gender would surely be the last thought to come into their mind.

[Christine167]

Like my friend Emily I'm thirty five now. I have chosen to begin therapy and HRT and see where it takes me.

I too was worried but there is a very old thread here on the topic and lot of us who have made the change in our early thirties. I'm mid thirties and looking down at the finish line perhaps around 40. I'm just trying to be real about my finances and the length of time it will take me to learn what I need to know about passing as a woman.

The facts about me based on your worries:
My wife does want a divorce. It's not hostile right now but she does want me out so that she can stop feeling the pain of separation and move on. I to have a child. A 2yr old son and I plan on staying in his life.
I do have a job that I know is intolerant of things like this unless it is an extremely slow change. Just changing computer systems drove the whole place crazy I shudder to think about how having their first transsexual in 20+ years will go over.
I expect HRT will cause some feminization. What I do not expect is for it to do everything. So yes that means at least some plastic surgery and if I want to have SRS/GRS then that too is more time under the knife. To afford this I'm am looking at medical loans and careful clinical review & pricing of physicians from around the world.
I am out to what family is still close to me. They have accepted it but worry for me as our generation seems to be the last that has a problem with this and they are my peers. I am also out to most of my close friends and they to are okay with it and very supporting of my transition.

Things not about me that you should know:
Finding a job will be difficult. Do what you have to but be yourself where appropriate. And what that means is use your personality and skills to sell yourself into employment. If you do not pass yet then do not disclose your condition. If you have transitioned then do not disclose. If you plan to transition on the job then shop out their HR and legal departments and peel through their policies on discrimination. Above all do not approach disclosure without being both valuable to the company and more educated on the subject of their policies than they are. To that end I suggest finding an experienced therapist and a local group. They can help you navigate this process and avoid the little mistakes which cost so many of us so much in our lives. I would find a therapist before coming out to your wife. You can say that you feel anxiety or depression whatever but seek help. This was my mistake, telling my wife before I sought help. I did luck out in that so far she has not decided to blow up and make a big legal mess of things.

[Isabelle]

One possible reason for the (apparent) lack of 30 something's is, statistically speaking, most transsexuals "come out" in two ways, one group transition very early, the others transition later in life, often after having families and careers as "men" This is changing though and people transitioning in their 30s is becoming more common.

[Alaia]

I also have noticed that there aren't many examples of girls who transitioned in their 30's. Perhaps I'll blog my progress to help fill in that space.

I'm 37 and just starting down the road to transition. I just had my 4th electolysis session and won't start HRT for another month. I kinda kick myself sometimes for not transitioning sooner, but I also realize that I was just trying to make the best decisions with what I knew back then. It has given me perspective though, I've realized that I don't want to be looking back when I'm 50+ wishing that I'd taken the opportunity to transition now. I know this isn't going away, and that I'm happiest when I'm being myself and expressing my gender as the woman I am inside.

And that's really what transitioning is all about, finally being happy with being yourself. A lot of the concerns you've expressed with getting a job, possible divorce, wondering how you'll turn out at your age, etc. -- these are all very valid and have been felt by many of the members here. And you can look to the others for guidance if needed, but in many ways your experience will be unique. Try not to be so concerned about comparing someone else's experience to your own. I think it's more important to focus on what is going to make you happy and what price are you willing to pay to get there. And once you know that, there is no fear or obstacle in your way that can't be overcome.

[peky]

what is your occupation or profession?

Do you work for a large company or small-one?

Do you live in a small or big city?

Most large companies have statements about their policies regarding "Gender Identity"

[MariaMx]

I transitioned at 29, had ffs at 30 and srs at 31. Worked like a charm for me

[Amy The Bookworm]

Thank you all for the replies thus far!

Some information about me that I forgot to include:

I'm seeing a therapist at the moment, and have been for one month. While I have honestly not done much more than paint my toe nails under the pretext that I was teaching my daughter who is 6 while my wife was at work to do so, I do know myself very well.

While I would absolutely love to have this done and over with, I also feel that it is best for me to go slowly to insure a successful transition for me.

I am working on telling my wife (I have another post on that) because I feel I really can't start until I disclose this to her. I don't want this to end in divorce, but I am also realistic and know it's a real possibility. I do have a backup plan in place if it comes to that. I do not have any connections out side of my wife (I live here because I wanted to make her happy...but I HATE IT here) in the area. So unfortunately a divorce would mean leaving my wife and daughter and moving very far away to stay with friends until I can get back on my feet. Not ideal at all, especially since I dearly love my daughter and I worry that the court here in Kansas will make very unfair decisions as far as child custody and visitation. But I do know it's a possible outcome. That's one thing I'm discussing with my therapist, possible outcomes, and what I should think about doing if she decides we need a divorce, and what my choices are.

Currently I'm a stay at home housewife (:/ even if only in my head) and full time college student so I'm not working at all at the moment. My previous work has all been in either health care or retail.

I live in a very small town in Kansas, so the next thing I need to try to get her to understand is that we need to at least move to a larger town because I honestly don't feel safe enough here to transition.

All of the above is what I'm dealing with in therapy at the moment.

My concerns with HRT are . . . and this makes me feel incredibly shallow to admit, but it's the truth . . . that I won't feminize enough to ever pass, or that I'll be ugly. I suspect the later is something most women worry about with societies' pressure on women to meet an unrealistic image of attractiveness, and over the years I have noticed this affects me as well.

I'm also aware it will change the way I literally feel to start HRT. Actually, that seems to be the one over all consistent thing I hear about HRT. And I gladly look forward to it. There's a line from the movie Terminator 2 that comes to mind with how I feel currently when it comes to emotion at the very end of the film. "I know now why you cry, but I regret that it is something I can never do." I often feel emotions . . . but don't seem to have much of an outward reaction to them. Some of it I think is social conditioning from growing up with a family that has been in the military for generations, where men are MEN and women are ALSO men (...Mom was a drill instructor for part of her career). They live by the "men don't show emotions" rule, and that women who are professional don't either, and to fit in so do I, unfortunately. I hate having emotions that don't feel quite strong enough, or that for some reason I just don't have an outward reaction which makes me feel like an . . . uncaring jerk even though I know it's not true. I welcome that change.

One of the most maddening things about being in the position I'm in, knowing I'm trans and want to change my gender, but also knowing I haven't done anything toward it kinda makes me confused as to how to refer to myself gender wise, now that I think about it.

Emily, I'd appreciate it if you could send me those links. I think that may help me to not be quite so nervous.

I feel as if I am trading one set of trouble for another. I can transition and eliminate most or even all gender dysphonia . . . but it's a gamble.
I may wind up getting divorced, which scares me.
I may face discrimination.
Being honest, I probably don't fully understand the different ways women are treated vs. men in society. While this doesn't bother me . . . I kinda wonder if it's naïve of me that this doesn't. Or maybe it's a blessing in that It'll just be something I'll have to deal with when I figure it out fully and knowing now would cause me to hesitate.
I'm worried about how I will look (and am working to lose weight ... something that at times my wife seems to actively be working against me on...).
I'm worried about how I sound and I know that HRT won't fix that and that my choices are either what I've been lead to believe is an unreliable surgery, or hit or miss speech therapy.

...In my head it all seems strangely simple, probably because I'm committed to this. But when I write all this out . . . I feel intimidated.

[Heather]

My concerns with HRT are . . . and this makes me feel incredibly shallow to admit, but it's the truth . . . that I won't feminize enough to ever pass, or that I'll be ugly. I suspect the later is something most women worry about with societies' pressure on women to meet an unrealistic image of attractiveness, and over the years I have noticed this affects me as well.

Yes the concern that you may never feminize enough is a real concern I think we all face. The truth is if you want to be pretty this might not be the path for you. Very few end up being pretty and 100% passible. That being said the question you must ask yourself if you never reach the point of never passing can you be happy?
Chasing beauty is something that will only bring you misery trust me. The thing we have to remind ourselves is that cis women who are not as attractive still have to get up everyday and live their life. And find some sort of acceptance of who they are. The reality is we have to accept are flaws or transitioning will bring nothing but misery.
Btw I'm 34 I started transitioning at 33 I'm happy with my results so far. Sure I wish I had done this at 21. But the truth is I'm in a better state of mind now then I was back then. So I can handle the pressure of not fully passing yet a lot better. But I'm getting there and I don't think my age has held me back one bit. 

[BunnyBee]

That being said the question you must ask yourself if you never reach the point of never passing can you be happy?

This is the real key to a successful transition, imo.  If you can't say yes to this, you will never leave the house.  I don't think anybody passes the first time they step out with their new gender presentation.  Many people will never pass 100%.

[Misato]

35 here.

My skin is great, just shy of the 6 month mark on my HRT.  Breast development is progressing.  My face hasn't changed a bit.  Nor my butt.

I do get sad over the prospect of spending the rest of my life easily clockable.   I thought I could take it when I went full time.  Now that the reality is here, it's harder than I imagined.

But I am happier, sober, and I'm offered cisgender privilege more often than hassles.  It was still the right thing to do for me, even if once and a while I want to turn the world off.

As for job hunting, I'm resolved to not mention it until an offer is made. Then I do in the interest of learning the benefits.  What their insurance will or won't cover can make a huge impact on your take home pay.

[Nero]

Yes the concern that you may never feminize enough is a real concern I think we all face. The truth is if you want to be pretty this might not be the path for you. Very few end up being pretty and 100% passible. That being said the question you must ask yourself if you never reach the point of never passing can you be happy?
Chasing beauty is something that will only bring you misery trust me. The thing we have to remind ourselves is that cis women who are not as attractive still have to get up everyday and live their life. And find some sort of acceptance of who they are. The reality is we have to accept are flaws or transitioning will bring nothing but misery.
Btw I'm 34 I started transitioning at 33 I'm happy with my results so far. Sure I wish I had done this at 21. But the truth is I'm in a better state of mind now then I was back then. So I can handle the pressure of not fully passing yet a lot better. But I'm getting there and I don't think my age has held me back one bit. 

This. Also, in your 30s and beyond, being attractive is somewhat easier as just making an effort puts you ahead of the pack. I'm entering my mid-30s and let's just say that a lot of the women I went to school with that were so hot... aren't so hot anymore. Only a few have kept themselves up. Pretty much every girl looks good in her 20s. 30s is also an age where a lot of women are between singlehood and divorcehood. (read: married) So, it's a good age. Being attractive goes further than it did in your 20s when everybody was hot and there's less competition. 

[Violet Bloom]

I began transition last year at age 35.  In the past year much of my time was spent mentally/emotionally shifting, learning to shed my irrational fears, accepting myself, and starting to come out to family and friends.  I also eased my appearance in this direction by growing out my hair and grooming my brows.  I shed much of the 'baggier' part of my wardrobe and stopped hiding my body in it.  I'm also five laser treatments along on my face, neck, chest and stomach, the latter two to give me more freedom of summer dress.  My legs, feet and hands and armpits are also shaved regularly now.

Having gained the courage to shop for women's clothing I've built-up a number of outfits that suit various occasions, although much is jeans and girls tees because that's what feels most natural to me.  I'm now out and about once or twice a week completely en femme just going about my regular business.  (I have yet to come out at work however.)  I think I actually pass resonably well with just concealer on my face/neck so long as I don't have to use my voice.  While my un-trained voice bothers me I accept that people will know what I am for the time being.  Thankfully I live in a city with a high density of gender-variant citizens, and everyone else just wants to mind their own business.  I go through the busiest subway transfer point in North America and no one ever bats and eye.

The wait list for my new doctor was almost a year.  I toughed it out so I could join a well-established LGBT-focused health program with extensive experience regarding HRT and transition councelling.  The assessment process with them is progressing rapidly and I will likely receive HRT approval in August.  While this is very exciting I certainly recommend not rushing into it even if you are worried about your age.  Take the time required to get as comfortable in your mind as you can and work towards being as open as possible about your situation to as many people as you can.  Don't try to skip all the way to the finish line or you'll stress yourself out and everyone else around you.  Be prepared to 'hit pause' at any time you're getting too wound-up about it so you don't hit an emotional brick wall, especially if you don't have anyone to talk to about it.  I had to do this for a few months after working up the nerve to come out to my mother.  You should also be emotionally prepared for the potential loss of good relations with any family and friends.

Another bit of advice, although you seem to have the right idea, before you do anything visible to your appearance or tell anyone, is make the mental switch to womanhood in your mind first and fully if this is your direction.  Have a good laugh to yourself when you walk down the street knowing that you are a woman and that everyone else is blissfully unaware.  Be certain and secure in your identity such that when the time comes for dressing and for HRT it's really just a final polish on a nearly finished product even if you can't see it yet or are quite certain you still want surgeries.  So much of the journey for me has simply been about exuding comfort and confidence in public, not just as a woman but more importantly as a person.  When the time came to be out in public just with clothes/concealer/breastforms I had virtually no fear remaining even though there is much ahead for me in the coming years.

I understand the complications for you with marriage, a child and your small town living.  It is likely you'll have much more difficulty than I as such.  But this is all the more reason to be completely certain of who you are and to be fully at peace with it first.  I am prepared to make this life transition permanent even if I have to stop HRT due to health complications.  Be absolutely sure you can openly start transition without medical interventions and then everything that follows will feel like a welcome bonus.  If you've got a good handle on this then at least my message might still be of use to other readers.

[Amy The Bookworm]

This is the real key to a successful transition, imo.  If you can't say yes to this, you will never leave the house.  I don't think anybody passes the first time they step out with their new gender presentation.  Many people will never pass 100%.

I don't expect to pass, certainly not my first time out, which is still some time off. I hope to at least get as close as I can to it, even if that may involve some facial feminization surgery, which I would wait to start considering until 2 years after I started HRT.

I think the reason I'm worried about passing isn't so much that I want to be pretty (...it'd be nice though, which is why I mentioned it). It's that I worry about how others will react. All I want in the end is to be able to be myself. That's priority number one for me. Priority two is finding a job to meet priority one . . . because I can't transition without a job, especially if I wind up getting divorced.

Passing is . . . Being pretty would be freaking great. But to me the reason I think about it is because I worry about my safety and about . . . just being treated like everyone else. Also, in the event I wind up getting divorced, I do worry about my looks for another reason. I worry about being alone the rest of my life.

After reading your replies I feel I am mentally in the right place, and that a lot of my fear, insecurity, and anxiety are normal for someone in my position. Now I just need to work with my therapist to get over it (...I spent most of my first month just wrapping my head around the idea that I'm not crazy). Really, as far as I'm concerned, I may not be on hormones, I may not own a single feminine outfit yet, my voice has almost no work done on it, and the only make up I own is nail polish, which I use on my toes that I hide under socks and shoes . . . but I do feel I'm a woman, and I do feel I need to do something even if it isn't perfect. I know that I'll regret it if I don't.

>_< I think at the moment I'm just scared and trying to prepare myself for the future more than having any second thoughts about this. I'm . . . I'm not under the delusion that I'll look perfect, or that this'll be easier because of changing times, or thinking I won't lose anything. I'm just trying to be . . . prepared.

So... I guess my next question is: If I wind up not passing, how do people cope with it, both in your life and yourself?

One side note: Heather and Misato, The two of you are right in that you don't look perfect. But at the same time, you both look lovely, with the kind of beauty that is deeper than skin. You look like you're honest about who you are, and that you live life on your terms. Just from the small profile pictures, I can see that much in your smile and your eyes, and most importantly, you look happy. That's what I want for myself more than anything. Just to be happy with who I am.

And right now, I know I'm not. Doing nothing just . . . isn't an option. But doing something, even if it's very slow and takes time and isn't perfect . . . If It gets me to where the two of you are, I could live with that much I think.

And Emily, thank you for the pm! I'll go look at it now.