Stressed out as a cis ally - advice?

[unicorntail]

Hi everyone. I am a cis female who openly and fully supports the queer and trans* community. I got to know one trans woman last year and she was so awesome, but moved away. I live in a pretty big city and there are a lot of resources for trans people so I'm looking into trying to get involved in some way, for advocacy, or to meet new people.

I am having one major hesitancy though. So I'm disabled..I am on SSDI and have been unable to work due to the severity of my disability. I don't want to go into details since it's not very relevant or fun, suffice to say that I have pretty serious chronic medical problems that cost me a ton of money on medications, doctors visits, hospitals, etc. It's one of those pesky "invisible" disabilities though and I hide that part of myself to almost everyone. Certainly when getting to know someone they would not be aware.

So even just looking over forums here, I see a lot of references to people trying to get funding for surgeries. I think it is awful that insurance agencies do not cover this. I really think they should cover everything! But they don't, so people have to resort to getting funding, having top surgery parties, etc. I am struggling a lot personally with my feelings towards these. These surgeries are so expensive, and when I look at the price tag, that could cover my medical needs for maybe a year. I don't have the equivalent of a concrete "goal" such as a surgery, etc. I just always have constant problems, and constant flare ups.

While I am glad that people are able to raise the funds and rely on their friends and family for this, it also leaves me deeply conflicted regarding my own medical issues, and what I have to do to survive and pay the bills. I understand these are my own burdens, and my own issues, but it's something I don't feel I can fully get past. I do not in any way mean to downplay the struggle of trans individuals, but if I don't get proper medical treatment, there could be serious, life threatening consequences. But even given that fact, I don't ask my friends to help me pay my medical bills, because I don't think it would be appropriate in my personal situation. I don't at all say this to prove that I'm somehow "better" than people who can get support from friends, or that it's not appropriate for trans people to ask for friends to help for their surgeries, just that for my situation, I don't think it would be appropriate, mostly due to the ongoing nature of the condition. It would be like asking friends to pay for their hormones monthly, or something like that.

I'm scared that if I get more involved in the trans community where I live that I'll be invited to some fundraiser or asked to donate for someone's surgery. I don't know if I can explain my discomfort without being shut down, and I'm even frightened that just expressing them here will get a great deal of backlash. I'm kind of testing the waters, I guess. It's not that I don't want to help these people, but it is too painful for me to reconcile my own lack of options to fund my own medical issues. To be clear, I'm not at all denying anyone their right to raise money for this, or saying that they shouldn't - more power to you! - but just that it would be too deeply painful for me to be involved in any way. And again, I understand that this is my own hangup, but I'm going to be unlikely to get past it. I'm not sure if people are willing to understand or accept my position without assuming that I am selfish, somehow transphobic, etc.

I guess I wanted to know if anyone can relate to what I am saying or if I am going to be met with a lot of resistance and backlash. Please be kind! Thanks again.

peace!

[Ms. OBrien CVT]

First of All:

Hi unicorntail,

Welcome to our little family. Over 12080 . That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another ally.

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Janet  )O(

Secondly:

There are more than one way to be supportive.  Giving money is just one.  Not everyone can give funds, for a variety of  reasons.  Just be supportive as you can, and don't worry about giving money you don't have.

[Button]

Wow chicky, totally understand where your coming from it seems you have been dealt a rough deck as well.

My partner Andi has worked her butt off supporting me and our daughter whilst transitioning. It's funny I saw her suffer but she refused to get a loan or use the savings we had, I even begged her to but she simply said "I could not live with myself to leave us without, your love and acceptance will see me to my true self".

Anyway she has put aside and sacrificed her own social life and its kinda good were so close to being able to book all the surgeries to end her nightmare but she's finally there and it's awesome.

I don't think you are wrong with your sentiments. They are your views formed by what you have endured and still endure everyday. I just know Andi endured for so long too and everyone is different but you should never feel embarrassed to show your true side as all the trans people in transition are learning to do. Also you should never feel obliged to be guilted into providing financial aid to anyone ever, it's totally your choice.

I don't think you should be flamed for that opinion it's just we are all in this together in a number of ways.

Button

[unicorntail]

Thanks to both of you. It's actually not so much the financial aid, but just that it has been such a rough journey for me and brings up a lot of personal issues, that I don't feel that I could be involved personally at all, even for support. I don't want that to be misinterpreted as being unsupportive or somehow against the idea of having surgery, it's just that I have my own personal struggles as a disabled person that need to be respected.

Disabled people can face a lot of discrimination and obstacles too, and people have similar issues relating to something they couldn't imagine, like transitioning. Other than that it's very very different, though. There's not really an "acceptance" movement in disability yet, it's still something that is pretty shameful and something that we strive to fix rather than to accept.

I just really would hate for someone to take this personally or worse yet pass judgement upon me for being "selfish", "jealous", etc. when that's not the case at all. It just brings up a lot of personal stuff for me about my own illness and the reality of what that means.

Was trying to think of an analogy to how I'd feel in this situation..unrelated example, but just for the emotions..say you and your best friend interview at the same company for two open positions. You're both just as qualified, but you get this jerk interviewer who has a grudge against you and doesn't take you seriously. Your friend ends up getting the job and has a party to celebrate. It's not like you don't love your best friend and aren't happy for her, or even that you're jealous of her, but just that going to the party would make you beat yourself up due to other reasons, you'd dwell on what happened in the interview, get down on yourself, etc. I could also see how the best friend could take it personally and feel like you weren't supportive, though, even though that isn't the case. Does that make any sense?

And again the reason I'm asking this..just kind of want to run it by people to see if it is something that people would "get" and not lash out at me for, since I could see people doing this...

[Adam (birkin)]

I totally hear you. I think it's okay when people sell stuff they made, or perform a service to get money for top (and say something like, I'm selling these bracelets to raise money for surgery). But when people just ask for it or have these parties, I have to raise an eyebrow.

First off, they often ask within the trans community - from people who have their own surgeries to pay for, too. Second, I see too many people on Tumblr or whatever who say they need this money and they're sooo hard up, and then you see posts where they have bought alcohol, weed, cigs, etc. So I've been really jaded by that.

If you are invited to a party or asked to donate or whatever, you are under no obligation. You have your own medical expenses. I donated to a guy once - quite a bit, actually, and sure enough, a few days later, I see him posting that he bought concert tickets. After saying he desperately needed this money because he wasn't able to eat and he had to pay the remaining balance of surgery that he booked too. Never. Again. I won't ever donate to anyone's surgeries ever again. You don't have to either.

[unicorntail]

Ketchup thank you so much for the post! That puts things in perspective for me. I guess that may have been what I was trying to get at too, but was tiptoeing around a little. I know first hand about people being insensitive to my condition, so if someone were to say "You could never understand what I'm going through with this surgery", I would probably just freeze up, agree, and cave in even if they were doing pretty crappy stuff like going on a shopping spree with surgery money while I was out 200 dollars and couldn't eat that month...

It's good for me to see realistically that this isn't always some sacred unquestionable thing, and that people can end up doing things that are unreasonable for everyone, including other trans people as well.

I am probably overthinking things a lot, but I feel a little bit more prepared. I hope some day I'll be able to show up at the more reasonable ones

[Cindy]

Hi,

I wouldn't worry at all about giving financial support when you cannot or don't wish to. There is nothing wrong in that at all.

Support of the friendship kind is what most people need. And looking after you own needs has to be the priority. Just because some trans*people do it tough doesn't mean that other people do not and they are equally important in every way.

I care for a very seriously disabled woman - my wife. She and her health are far more important than anything I need.

So don't feel bad in anyway at all.

You sound and obviously you are a very lovely gorgeous human being. The world is blessed to have you in it.

Hugs

Cindy

[StellaB]

Disabled people can face a lot of discrimination and obstacles too, and people have similar issues relating to something they couldn't imagine, like transitioning. Other than that it's very very different, though. There's not really an "acceptance" movement in disability yet, it's still something that is pretty shameful and something that we strive to fix rather than to accept.

This is so true and something I feel is worth highlighting. When you're trans you often get the impression that you're the bottom of the pile in society just for being trans when the truth is you're just part of a whole spectrum of people who face discrimination, prejudice and hostility simply for being different.

Here in the UK we currently have a Government which has targetted the disabled for some ill thought out welfare reforms which is causing hundreds, if not thousands of really sick and disabled people to become destitute, socially excluded or even worse, die.

Is there an outcry? No there isn't, it's not even mentioned much in the media and it's something that many people seem to be largely indifferent about. People did get upset over 'Workfare' when the Government was forcing disabled people to work unpaid for High Street retailers and supermarkets and also chronically sick people but since the Government has kept quiet about Workfare (which still continues) the protests seem to have largely stopped.

The Government it seems can still continue to persecute the disabled and mentally ill with people's support.

Getting back to the thread there are other ways of supporting trans people other than financially. For me being there and just giving basic emotional support is more than enough. You can never have too many friends and often when trans folk start transitioning and going full time this is when they lose people from their lives and people stop contacting them.

Earlier in my transition I think I went well over a year without anybody asking me 'How are you?' At the time I was doing voluntary work with the homeless but apart from that and the usual stuff like shopping I had no other contact with anybody else and nobody to socialize with. Not that it was completely a bad thing, because I learned how to be self-sufficient completely and to rely only on myself.

This is something I feel that is common to a lot of people but to both trans and disabled people it can be a major issue.

[big kim]

I live in England and it disgusts and disturbs me the way disabled people are treated by the government and the press.I dread to think who the next target will be

[blueconstancy]

As others have said, I don't see any reason why you'd be obligated to donate - OR to explain why you prefer not to. It's true that your reasons (and associated trauma) are tricky to convey clearly, but you don't have to get into it at all. In fact, "I'm sorry, but my own disabilities and associated medical expenses cost more than I can afford" is a 100% true, perfectly acceptable reason not to donate, if you're comfortable sharing that much.

(I and my wife have been pretty involved with a large trans community for ~4 years now and I've seen maybe a dozen fundraisers, and only once was I asked directly. It's generally considered OK to simply politely ignore a publicly posted request/invitation, and if someone does contact you directly as I was, I found that "we're saving for my wife's medical needs [=surgery], sorry" was accepted without question. It may never even come up for you at all that you're put on the spot in the way that you fear.)

[unicorntail]

Thank you so much for all your very kind and thoughtful replies. It has put some of my fears to rest and now I hope I can go out and make a difference in the community, while hopefully also bringing awareness to others about my own struggles with disability - a win win