The Journey and Dilema so far of acceptance?

[Shawn Sunshine]

Hello there, well coming up is August and its hard to believe its been almost a year since I lived in the bay area. I miss it immensely and wish I had never left. It seems after all there was no real reason for me to come back to Texas, as the housing authority wants to make me wait another year from October this year to port again. But I just can't wait that long. I know now in my heart of hearts I belong there and should be a part of the community there. I have spent an awful long time in prayer and having it seems some prophetic dreams from G-d telling me to accept the female side of myself. I wonder if this means to embrace being fully female or accept being somewhere in between. I truly felt mentally and spiritually fully female last year. If you would have asked me I would have no doubts at all. But now it seems I have doubts again. I think it mostly had to do with the gift G-d gave me to use my voice and how I have wasted it and not used it. I can do many male voice impressions. Been emulating male voice characters for years but never getting paid for it. Yet I have a strong desire to get voice surgery in South Korea someday since they can do a surgery that gives you a natural speaking and singing voice without too much risk. I have to admit I have always wanted to be able to sing soprano and natural and feel able to express my inner soul in that way. Does not seem likely you can do that with just voice training alone. Others have had luck they say but I want something more if I am going all the way.

The other thing is while I can see myself in the here and now within a few years being all female, I can't see myself as an older woman. I still see a male self in my older years. So do I just do my best to accept being intersex and live somewhere in between and still being a helpful person to all lgbtqqi people and just people in general or do I allow myself to go the other direction and embrace womanhood as best as I can given the situation?

I worry about still how my family and friends will treat me and possibly despise and hate me as they will see these things as an evil choice. That fear is still there. Also the fear of what G-d will say to me when I bow before him/her. Will G-d say well done or will he deny me and say..."sorry you were wrong to accept that" "i know thee not, depart from me". I have only just in the last year come to accept that being anything LGBT or Intersex or Genderfluid is right and ok before G-d. Yet again that fear is still there.

After meeting the pastor and folks at the church in Alameda and the few other Christians who are Colorful and part of the rainbow, I come away with mixed feelings. I see the fruit of the holy spirit in some and yet not others. But to be fair I see straight cisgender people doing the same thing. Some claiming to love G-d and live right and follow the commandments to love one another. I see it all the time people having 2 faces or not really being the servants they claim to be.

All I know is I am still very much struggling with myself at age 41 now, wondering how to be the full and happy and content person I should be instead of this empty shell of a person that I feel like now.

Blessings to you all.

[King Malachite]

  I really like following your posts Shawn, and I believe you can eventually still live in California if you want to.  When there's a will, there's a way (usually at least).  You actually seemed so much more happy there and I hope you can get that happiness back.  You truly are an inspiring person.


When we have been programmed to think a certain way, it can take years to deprogram that thought.  Even though I have fully accepted myself as transgender and the Christian LBGT community as brothers and sisters in Christ, sometimes I wonder when we die if the fundamentalists were right.  I think "well what if we were wrong and we all do go to hell?"  It can be a scary thought process.

I am in no way trying to preach to you, but I personally hold to the "once saved always saved" doctrine and I highly doubt that God will tell you "depart from me I never knew you", because once he knows you, he knows you, it's not 'I used to know you." John 10:14 says that He knows his sheep and they hear his voice.
  I believe he will "depart from me, I never knew you." to those who did not put their full faith in Jesus Christ...those who believe in Lordship Salvation.

But this is just my belief only and I do not impose it on anyone else.  Don't give up Shawn. 

[Shawn Sunshine]

Thank you Malachite 

[King Malachite]

You're very welcome!

[ZoeM]

<AnnoyingChristian>Remember - damnation is the default state. We are not condemned for what we do, but for what we do not. The universal promise of scripture is and always has been that salvation awaits those who accept it - and that the sin we are all equally guilty of no longer matters. Malachite... If anyone says you're going to hell because of what you do or are, they are flat-out wrong. And even the most catechismic, rigid Bible scholar knows it. </AnnoyingChristian>

[Shawn Sunshine]

well the brutual truth is at age 41 im getting older, and the longer i teeter totter over whether or not i want hormones, the worse it will be as I understand they dont work as well.

[HM]

Shawn, you are not old at 41. Slow down and take whatever time
you need to make your decisions. The teeter totter thing I believe
is pretty much normal, at least it has been for me. I've just started
transitioning at 58.

As for your beliefs, you must follow your own heart. But to me, the
Bible can be pretty much summed up in three words, simply "Believe in me".

I hope this helps. Take care.