So I've been on Susan's now since December 2012 but visiting for years. Save me Jeebus pointed out that I never introduced myself and I figure better late than never.
I am 24, I live outside of Orlando, FL and I have been transitioning now for about 11 months. I pretty much always felt uncomfortable "being a boy" and thought I was supposed to be a girl. I used to wish and dream about transforming into a girl, into me. When I was in elementary school I actually used to search the internet for magic spells that would turn a boy into a girl. I did that a couple times a year for a few years and when I was about 9 years old that search led me
tsroadmap.com. It was overwhelming; I realized a) I wasn't crazy, other people felt like me and b) I didn't have to spend the rest of my life as a boy.
Unfortunately while I was relived, I was also terrified. I don't know when and why this happened but I developed this what I now know is a super exaggerated fear that everyone would stop loving me and I would lose everyone in my life if I ever tried to be me. I internalized this so much that I became very ashamed of myself. I spent the rest of my childhood making sure no one would find out so I inadvertently became a giant pain in everyone's rear, rebel child from hell... I was also a very dedicated skateboarder for about 10 years and it helped me deal with everything. Every time I was on my board, it was like gender just disappeared leaving only me and my board. It didn't help with my fear of coming out though. When I was 13 a behavioral specialist visited me in school to assess my "problems" and I was shocked when she eventually asked if I would rather be a boy or a girl. At that point my only thought was omg she's going to tell my parents if I say girl. So I said boy and gave a long rambling reason why along the lines of girls have to paint their nails - which I envied at the time, the ability to self-express - and my parents wouldn't let me go skateboarding. I still wonder to this day how different my life would be if I said girl...
When I got a bit older, I started feeling comfortable enough to start exploring the possibilities. After a few unsuccessful attempts to come out at 18 and 21, I finally succeeded in coming out and starting HRT.
My family has been a little weird about everything to say the least. For starters my mom the supposed super liberal, mother nature referencing, be yourself of the family was everything but supportive though she tried not to upset me. It was really odd too because I remember telling her at a very early age that I wanted to be a girl. She told me about how "mommy wanted to be a boy so she could play and do the things her brothers did" going on to explain that she just tried her best to do what they did since they lived on a farm and gender roles were strictly enforced. My half-sister at first seemed very supportive but that quickly faded. She made no effort to really understand and didn't even try with the pronouns explaining that because I was still "physically a man" she had the right to... Needless to say between that and my mom's nagging and insistence that my transition is the cause of every problem my family has faced, I choose to no longer have contact with them. My dad however has been surprisingly supportive though my definition of supportive here is he doesn't care. He lives in South Florida and I occasionally see him. He treats me the same and even asked for hair advice for his first day at a new job. But I haven't been in a situation to know if he refers to me as Michelle or his daughter.
It has been a crazy, scary but such a rewarding journey these last 11 months. I have done things I've said I'd never be able to do. I conquered fears and realized goals. I have a ways to go with somethings and my confidence in myself, but I couldn't be happier!!! Each day is another chance to step forward and I love it!
I am also:- a mother of two little boys and I am with my partner (FtM) of 6 years.
- living outside of Orlando, FL in a smaller town.
- a college student at the University of Central Florida.
- a timer for endurance/adventure races (triathlons, marathons, mud runs, etc.)
- a gamer, I mainly play black ops 2 (if you'd like to play, my Xbox gt:Sad Squirrel Eh)
- weird... lol
That's about it!
