It's the last place I want to be, but that's exactly where I am....stuck in-between, feeling as if I'm never going to truly understand myself. I love this forum because it reminds me that I'm not alone and that no matter what experience I run into that there will be someone on here that can relate and understand. I think I understand that when I first started transitioning that I wasn't quite ready to transition and so any excuse that came by I would use to stop transitioning. It's been about 5 months since I stopped transitioning and ultimately "putting it on the backburner" seems to only delay the inevitable which is dealing with thee gender dysphoria. Maybe I'm in denial or maybe it's something else, I honestly have no clue but I've put more time into trying to understand than on anything else in the past 2 years and I still don't have the answer to the one question that I really want to answer which is obviously "Am I male or female?". I'm not both and I'm definitely one of them only, and that is probably the extent of what I know about myself specifically. I can easily convince myself that I am female and that I am male but I am definitely not both because I want to fit into one of those extremes. There is nothing wrong with someone who doesn't, but I know that I do.
However I found it really interesting when I compared "myself" as a female versus as a male. As a male I want to try and do my best to completely fit in with the "stereotypical" male the best I can which over my childhood was difficult but I was persistent and just adapted as I aged. As that "male" I wanted to be masculine only and drown out any feminine desires that I had in order to be an "acceptable male". However the dyphoria seems to always be present when "trying to be male". Whereas a "female" I have no problem with the concept of doing both masculine and feminine things as a female, like playing a sport or playing video games but with association with being a female specifically of course. I'm not sure if that difference really means anything but it's something I've observed in myself when thinking about what gender I am.
So I have only I can truly figure this out but I seem to always come across these "trans indicator" which seem to contradict that line of thinking, because if there were indicators, wouldn't someone else be able to diagnose you? I first remember around the age of 8 or 9 wanting to wear my mothers clothes(Single child, no sisters) when she wasn't around. It clearly wasn't a sexual desire because I was 8 and I was a late bloomer sexually, well socially speaking as least. I can't really perceive looking back why I wanted to dress like a girl back then, I didn't have a father figure around so I think that may contribute to it somehow but not sure how. I seemed to befriend girls better at first but quickly realized that wasn't what "normal boys" do, so I befriended boys instead. The other thing that stood out to me was around that age on several occasions I would go to bed at night and pray/hope to God to wake up a girl the next morning and I'm not sure why, again it wasn't sexual because I was like 8 years old when this first happened.
I usually try to separate sexuality and gender identity because they are clearly different but mine easily connect so I think I'll briefly touch on that. When I fantasize, I encompass the thought of myself as a female entirely with a male. This is the same of whether I see it visually or mentally, I try to fantasize sexually about being the female and I have no desire to try to be the guy sexually. So I'm not sure if that solidifies anything to be honest or if I should just keep them completely separate but I thought I would write it out anyways.
So, I'm still stuck and I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm not sure I'm truly male or female honestly and I feel as if I'm never going to be able to answer that question. From what I wrote, does anything stand out significantly for being either male or female? I'm very very very open minded and I really appreciate any feedback you all have for me. All perspectives are welcome, I mean that. As always if you ever want to talk, anyone can also message me about anything, I'm friendly and approachable
I hope you all are doing well, and I've missed not being as active as I used to be on here. Talk to you all soon!
xo
