My day/night...

[JillSter]

I wrote this before I logged in. I decided not to post it, but I think maybe I should.

I joined the forum not long ago and then chickened out and didn't come back. I only had the courage to join because I was drunk. It seems like I can only talk about this when I'm drinking, which is really not good.

Anyway, I was having a really hard day today. I got to that dark place where you feel so hopeless and transition seems so impossible that you think "what's the point of even living." I haven't even taken the first step and I just keep getting older and fatter. Every day it just feels farther away. At least that's how I feel some days. Today was one of those days.

Then I had to go to my parents house tonight. The family was watching something I found very distasteful, but I just kept quiet and endured it. Then they all started talking about transsexuals (at this point I felt like fate was just being a bully) and the general consensus was that we're freaks and "worse than gay."

I didn't stand up for myself because they don't know and I didn't want to out myself over some ignorant comments. So I just sat there in silence feeling like ->-bleeped-<-. I ended up leaving a couple of hours early because I had to get away from them. All this after a really tough day.

So I went home and started drinking, and now I'm back here once again.

I should stop being afraid to open up. There's such a warm vibe here! And I honestly feel a lot better just having spent some time here, even though I haven't talked to anyone directly. It's just nice to know there are people who understand and care. It's nice to not feel alone.

[laure_natasha]

Jillian, so sorry to read a post like this. I think many people have been to similar places.

There is a series of "It get's better videos" out there and many inspirational stories of people that have struggled but finally found their way.

For me, everything has been very slow as well. But over the years I have found myself a little more at ease through:
- sharing with trusted friends/partner and even family...and yes I 've sat there in the past while my mother denigrated various trans people on TV. She doesn't anymore and most people have been very cool.
- small steps in altering my appearance, which I am always racked with nerves about fearing the whole world will mock me. Normally nobody notices.
- reading the experience of others, there are people who have come through amazing situations to inspire

I cannot claim to have had the depth of experience of many others here on the forums, but I am growing more comfortable in my skin day by day.

Nat

[JillSter]

I 've sat there in the past while my mother denigrated various trans people on TV. She doesn't anymore and most people have been very cool.

Yeah, the fact that my family (who I've never heard even say the word "transsexual") suddenly started talking about it like it was a sick perversion really caught me offguard. It's really helpful to hear your experience. That sometimes, I guess, people talk without thinking and don't realize they're inadvertantly addressing someone they care about. I hope that's the case anyway. I'm still terrified of telling them.

- small steps in altering my appearance, which I am always racked with nerves about fearing the whole world will mock me. Normally nobody notices.

Are you referring to feminizing your appearance or HRT? It's true that people never notice the things we agonize over, or at least they don't care. But I feel like if I showed up with softer skin or little boobs I'd have no choice but to tell them. Before I assumed they would give the pretty standard set of responses but eventually come around. Now I'm not so sure. They sounded really nasty and they didn't even realize it. I think they have no concept of gender identity, or at least no sympathy for it, judging from my mom referring to us repeatedly as, "transwhatevers." Whatever that means.

Anyway, thanks for the kindness and support.

[Cindy]

I wrote this before I logged in. I decided not to post it, but I think maybe I should.


I should stop being afraid to open up. There's such a warm vibe here! And I honestly feel a lot better just having spent some time here, even though I haven't talked to anyone directly. It's just nice to know there are people who understand and care. It's nice to not feel alone.

Well you can talk to me!

I sort of know your post, I have lived there. I have hidden in the bottom of bottles  I have cried enough to fill an ocean. Mr Whiskey and I have had a life together.

No longer.

But I still have the screaming nightmares, just ask some of the Mods who are on in my early hours of the morning! they get my blabber and tears.

But they and many others are my friends and they comfort me and help me.

We all need help.

Someone once asked how do you know when it is time to transition?

I don't know, for me it was 45000 hangover, the fact that all of the mirrors were covered so I couldn't see myself, and days when I couldn't get out of bed.
I'd go to work and my staff could smell the booze, my body stink and my depression was palpable

Somehow my friends here got me thinking that maybe I could live. Maybe I could be happy, maybe I had cried enough.

I joined here in 2008-9, I'm now full time me, happy, accepted, sober, clean, no covers on the mirrors. Hell, I even have a makeup mirror and a full body mirror to check the outfit.

Was it easy? No.

Did I lose anything? Yes, I lost depression, I lost alcoholism,  I lost people thinking I was a drunk, and a smelly one.

What did the (few) people who cared about me at work and in my social life think? Well I had no social life before, I now have to keep a diary just for my social life. Work? My colleagues rather enjoy having a sober happy woman at work rather than a dirty drunken man.

Regrets?

Yes. I wish to the Seven Goddesses that I had done this 50 years ago.

You can pm me at any time or email me at any time if your pm is not yet activated (due to post numbers.)

I'm Cindy; cindyjames@susans.org

Hugs

Cindy

[Ltl89]

I know what you mean about feeling scared about opening.  I'm such a blabbermouth here nowadays that I'm sure that comes across as shocking, but it was very hard for me to open up.  I'm glad that I did as there was nothing to fear.  So please keep sharing and don't feel awkward/embarrassed about talking about this.  However, please don't feel that you have to drink to do so.  I've been there, but it isn't the best path to take.  This site is just as warm and supportive when one is sober.  So destroy those nagging fears and join the family. 

Family is tough as they are subjected to the same social conditioning many other people are.  Yet, as it has been said already, people change their views once they see start to have personal experience with someone who is transgender.  There is hope.  Please don't lose it.

[Pia Bianca]

general consensus was that we're freaks and "worse than gay."

I know at least two persons who talked similar about gay people just a few weeks before they became gay themselves...

[JillSter]

I don't even like drinking. It's never fun and I always feel like crap the next day. But sometimes it's easier than facing reality.

I want to face reality though. I want to embrace it and do everything I can to be the person I was meant to be. I know it takes dedication and patience, but it begins with courage. And that's what I'm working on now.

I'm here though. And I'm not here because I drank tonight (I didn't.) I'm here because I wanted to come back. That's a good start, I think.


I'm always berating myself thinking, "if only I'd done it 15 years ago!" Cindy, your 50 years kinda put my own situation in perspective. I'm still in my 30s. I suppose it's far from hopeless. I can do it if I try. Thanks for that.

[Ltl89]

I don't even like drinking. It's never fun and I always feel like crap the next day. But sometimes it's easier than facing reality.

I want to face reality though. I want to embrace it and do everything I can to be the person I was meant to be. I know it takes dedication and patience, but it begins with courage. And that's what I'm working on now.

I'm here though. And I'm not here because I drank tonight (I didn't.) I'm here because I wanted to come back. That's a good start, I think.


I'm always berating myself thinking, "if only I'd done it 15 years ago!" Cindy, your 50 years kinda put my own situation in perspective. I'm still in my 30s. I suppose it's far from hopeless. I can do it if I try. Thanks for that.

I say that is a very big step! Awesome. 

Being in your 30s does not make you hopeless.  Believing you are hopeless is what makes you hopeless, so you just need to overcome that mindset. Age isn't relevant.  If you believe in yourself and work hard, anything, within reason, is possible. 

[JillSter]

If you believe in yourself and work hard, anything, within reason, is possible.

That's so true!

The problem was for so long I thought transforming my body my was unreasonable. I was convinced I could never pass and just kept on wishing for a do-over -- to be born female. Like magic thinking is more reasonable than taking control of your life! It took me a long time to understand that transition is within reason.

But even knowing that now, I can't shake the habit of wishing. It's like a nervous tick. Something triggers it every few minutes and my mind skips right back to it, like a broken record playing the depressing intro to a beautiful song. Every time I start to enjoy the music, it skips right back to the painful part.

Anyway... I'm rambling. You're absolutely right. And thanks for the encouragement!

[Pia Bianca]

I'm always berating myself thinking, "if only I'd done it 15 years ago!" Cindy, your 50 years kinda put my own situation in perspective. I'm still in my 30s. I suppose it's far from hopeless. I can do it if I try. Thanks for that.

That's exactly how I feel. I'm in my 30s too, and I only realized very lately. I could have many many years ago since I started to fantasize about being female before I explored my sexuality. In fact, fantasizing about changing gender made me have my first explorations.

That said, I now don't feel hopeless anymore thanks to the kind girls in this forum. Looks like you make the same experiences right now. That's good!

Being in your 30s does not make you hopeless.  Believing you are hopeless is what makes you hopeless, so you just need to overcome that mindset. Age isn't relevant.  If you believe in yourself and work hard, anything, within reason, is possible.

LTL... you seem to have the right vibes to touch my soul with what you write. It's not the first time I think "wow, that's totally true and I'm wrong" when I read what you wrote. Thanks a lot for that. I owe you some.

[JillSter]

That's exactly how I feel. I'm in my 30s too, and I only realized very lately. I could have many many years ago since I started to fantasize about being female before I explored my sexuality. In fact, fantasizing about changing gender made me have my first explorations.

That said, I now don't feel hopeless anymore thanks to the kind girls in this forum. Looks like you make the same experiences right now. That's good!

LTL... you seem to have the right vibes to touch my soul with what you write. It's not the first time I think "wow, that's totally true and I'm wrong" when I read what you wrote. Thanks a lot for that. I owe you some.

Damn. I had three long paragraphs written. I actually divulged some very personal stuff. And then I hit backspace. Oops!

Short version: This forum has been a HUGE help for me! I lurked for a while before I had the courage to join and start talking about myself. I learned a lot just reading though. In my lost post I thanked some people for being particularly helpful, but I think I'll save that for another day.

I also talked about how I rephrased the question I've been asking all this time: "Do I need this or do I just want it?" That was always such a hard question to answer. This time I asked myself: "Would I rather never pass or be male for the rest of my life?" That was a no-brainer.

And then I talked about my family. My very controlling family. But I should probably save that for another day too.

But I did tell my therapist today, in no uncertain terms, that I'm going to transition. He was supportive. So there's that at least. All in all, a good day.

[Beth Andrea]

Then I had to go to my parents house tonight. The family was watching something I found very distasteful, but I just kept quiet and endured it. Then they all started talking about transsexuals (at this point I felt like fate was just being a bully) and the general consensus was that we're freaks and "worse than gay."

I didn't stand up for myself because they don't know and I didn't want to out myself over some ignorant comments. So I just sat there in silence feeling like ->-bleeped-<-. I ended up leaving a couple of hours early because I had to get away from them. All this after a really tough day.

I had this kind of experience, as well...my father-in-law was talking about a family friend whose husband became her wife (albeit briefly, before the divorce)..."He's an 'it', now..." "LOL--she's married to a she-male!" etc. I just stood there, not wanting to out myself, but thinking, "If you only knew..."

About 2 months later, I came out to them (the wife had wanted me not to), and I couldn't help but think that he was embarrassed by his earlier remarks...but then, maybe he wasn't. They're not in my life anymore, so OH WELL.



The biggest thing you're facing right now is FEAR, to be honest. Fear of how the parents will react, siblings, friends...based on my experience, and many others, this fear is mostly misplaced. You can't tell if someone will reject you or accept you...until you give them the opportunity. There is a bit of a skill in coming out, so please please please don't harm yourself before learning these skills (some of which, like standing up for yourself even when it seems everyone is against you) are valuable adult skills to have.

Chin up! Things will get better.

*hugs*

[JillSter]

The biggest thing you're facing right now is FEAR, to be honest. Fear of how the parents will react, siblings, friends...based on my experience, and many others, this fear is mostly misplaced. You can't tell if someone will reject you or accept you...until you give them the opportunity. There is a bit of a skill in coming out, so please please please don't harm yourself before learning these skills (some of which, like standing up for yourself even when it seems everyone is against you) are valuable adult skills to have.

Chin up! Things will get better.

*hugs*

You're right. You never know how they'll react until you give them the chance. I was trying to be positive and think that they just didn't know they were hurting me. If they had known, they would never have said it. I hope that's the case anyway.

But honestly, I'm feeling fantastic right now! I was just playing with makeup in the bathroom (the mirror is usually my mortal enemy) and I couldn't believe how great I looked! I kept thinking, "OMG! I'm gonna be a knock out!" I've been told I have "amazing eyes" and "kissable lips." It's flattering, but tonight I finally saw it. That girl I saw in the mirror is a beauty. Beard and all! lol (I just ignored that part )

So yeah. Harming myself is the furthest thing from my mind. I want to see that girl every day! I LOVE her!

I'm really happy right now, in case you can't tell.

[Beth Andrea]

I'm really happy right now, in case you can't tell.

I would never have guessed...

I have noticed, in my case, that some mornings I get up kinda late, and rush out the door without shaving or makeup. Not shaving isn't horrible for me, 'cause I've had laser so many times, but even tho the stubble isn't easily seen, I can *feel* it, and I know I don't look my best with just tinted moisturizer on...and by the end of the day I feel just horrible.

I can prevent that (or fix it to a degree) by simply washing my face and putting on a face...it is awesome how this simple process can affect my self-esteem for the entire day!

Just fyi...take care and <3 yourself!