Nervous Wreck?

[cricketsong]

Hello everyone! I'm new :I And I write a lot, so i'm sorry in advance.

So... i'm having trouble, and after about an hour(?) of reading through everything, you guys have already inspired me so much. So now i come to you with my problems. I'm 26, and a very hopeful FTM. My hope has been wavering though, because i'm so new to this -- Rather, new to actually making things happen. Because i've been curious about it all since i knew it existed (about teen years).

I'm overweight (working on it) with like.. 42D boobs, and huge hips. So every time I browse guys sections, it's just browsing. My hips and frame are too big at the moment for a good full binder, but like I said, i'm working on it. It's really difficult for me, how i was raised, to really get ahead with losing weight. No, i haven't seen a doctor about it - but then again i don't have insurance so it's hard. I live in a terrible area for gender resources, otherwise i'd already be saving up for therapy sessions.

My mental state in all this ? Insane. I've been worrying and stressing (i have stress problems too!) about all this. I believe i'm so shaken because it's a long term goal, which scares me. But the irrational me thinks it's because it's a bad idea to transition, and that it's just a phase. A phase that's been going through me since i was in first grade? UGH. It keeps swirling in my head, and watching videos and reading a lot just tells me more that deep inside i believe i'm male. The reason this is so hard... i have two reasons for it. The first is my childhood, as always. Mom forced me into being a girl, forced me into dresses, and denied me "male" toys. Though legos were my happy place. - The second wrench in my manliness is my figure. I believe it's my body that makes me so ...worried/disgusted/sad. Because really, i believe there's no way i could pass at this moment in time. I think it really has a negative effect on me and causes all these doubts.

Everything i do, my personality (as my GF says  ) is all male. I'm not a lesbian, but i have a girlfriend. It's... everything. I'm lucky though, because i'm an artist, so i can at least draw myself how i want... kinda. These days i just get depressed because i think that i'll never be like that. Though one lil ray of happy in all this *snicker* ... I've been doing most of the "heavy lifting" for my GF and she's being tiny and cute (something she's working on, whole 'nother story.) ... and it's great. For a lot of things.

TL;DR: I really just don't know how i can go into all of this with my weight and how big my hips are... I'm about 280 pounds, 5' 1" (UGH), 42D boobs and my hips measure 60".... bleh. I believe i'm too big for full binders, and have no clue what i'ma do to pass.... I need a haircut too. :I And seeing all your handsome guys and beautiful girls... <333 Inspires.

Sorry for the mini-novel D: Hope i posted this to the right place, too. x.x

~Cricket

[Soren]

Here's where I would start- get a sports bra to strap down the lads. Big fellow like you would be expected to have some up top anyway so don't worry about full binders for now (try underworks when you lose a few inches, their 3Xs go up to 55/56").
Drink water.
And walk. A lot. Just put some music on and mosey around your neighborhood. Walking is actually good exercise, and you don't really need to do the OTT power walking with arm movements. It also releases endorphins and reduces stress. Make sure to stay hydrated.
Stop eating white foods. No sugar, salt, white flour, white bread, white potatoes, etc, no processed foods. <- Do this one for maybe 10 weeks and you'll see a huge difference.
Switch to lean meats, and limit it to twice a week.
Only use extra virgin olive oil, and no more than 2 tbsp/day.
Eat fruits and veggies. Broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, and kale are good.
Work out your arms and shoulders. Pushups, maybe? They'll help define your arm muscles, making your arms less feminine.

When you do get a binder, I would suggest underworks 997 or 998, since they're long and will also cover your hips.

Even if you do decide not to transition, it's always a good idea to get in shape. I noticed that for me, the more weight I lost, the more determined I was to transition.

Best of luck. Oh, and welcome.

[cricketsong]

@Chipper -- Thanks a lot!

@Soren -- Thank you so much. I know it's a hard road, but i've been really adjusting my diet and working out more. I really like your advice as well, about the walking and the white foods! I do know that weight loss is the first step in anything i do, regardless. And they say the boobs are the first to go :B

[King Malachite]

Welcome!

I understand where you're coming from with the weight issues.  I'm 5'4 and 250 pounds give or take.  It's something I really need to work on myself.  Have you considered an online gender therapist?  There weren't any in my area so that's the route I went. 

As far as transition stuff goes, I suggest to take everything one step at a time.  You will burn out thinking about all of your long-term goals so soon.  Break them down into short term goals instead.

[spacerace]

Welcome to the forums.

If you do decide you want to transition, you can use it as a goal to focus you towards losing weight. It really puts things in perspective. It is worth it too, for changes on hormones if you choose that route, for overall health reasons, and for eventually passing. Binding is more comfortable once they sorta inevitably deflate with weight loss, and surgery results will be much better after slimming down. 

Track everything you put in your mouth in a spreadsheet for several days so you can see the problem areas - just list it, you can grab nutritional info for it all by rough estimate later. it. This is one easy step that really requires minimal effort, but will still begin you on the path of an overall plan. Once you do, you can make changes that are not that difficult at first. For example, if you drink soda of any kind and then cut it out, you may find your daily caloric intake drops drastically. Then trickle in all the healthy stuff Soren listed and wean yourself from processed white grains.

You don't even need to worry about exercising at this stage if you don't want to - starting off weight will drop quickly with dietary changes.

[cricketsong]

@Malachite - You're absolutely right. I really need to break down to short term. I tend to think of the big picture, and then everything around it. x.x I didn't even think that there were online gender therapists, honestly. Thanks for all that!

@Spacerace - You know, the idea of transition is really what started me thinking about weightloss again. It's been a great drive for me so far, eating healthier - i just need to try harder! I did track my foods once, i need to do it again. Thank you so much!

[Tadpole]

Hey. Welcome to the forums. You sound a lot like me. I've been struggling with ideas of whether what I'm about to do fits in with my environmental beliefs and the idea of how people will react and surgeries. All the stuff that I might be looking at if I go through with it. It's quite a decision to make. I encourage you weigh the pros and cons. Do your research as to what you might be looking at if you go through with it. Move if you have to in order to find the support you need such as a counselor and doctor willing to discuss transition and a community of like-minded people who can share stories with you. Your body type probably is something you will want to investigate working out more with (I'd do so more myself, but at least for now I can say I'm lacking in motivation). Don't go my route and develop an unhealthy diet or stop eating entirely. That is not sustainable or healthy in the long run. It does sound like you know who you are.

For anxiety I would recommend passionflower tea if you can find it. And adopting a calm and relaxing lifestyle if at all possible. Best to try to work out your pain regarding childhood. And draw! And if you write, write! Consider that your parents may not go along with this and be prepared as to whether you are willing to accept that potential outcome or have a discussion with your counselor or parent about what you didn't like about childhood and how you will work that out now. Think about how you might have to act differently (societal implications and attitudes about how a guy acts and deals with issues as opposed how a masculine-identified female might act). Then decide if this is right for you. I know IT IS A HARD DECISION! Especially where you live. Don't feel bad about it.  (By the way, I've discussed my dilemma with my counselor for awhile and I decided that I'm likely going through with at least trying T- you can de-transition if something doesn't go right medically or otherwise).

[BrotherBen]

I am also kinda dragging my heels on transition due partly to my weight. I am still 240lbs @5'4" tall, but hey- when I started, I was 300lbs. I'll get there eventually and so will you! I would say that although spacerace is right about your ability to lose weight through diet restriction alone, especially in the beginning, exercise will help ya feel better about yourself overall. I won't be running marathons anytime soon, but it's helped with some of the little things that used to make me extra self-conscious, like getting winded after climbing stairs or jogging to my car when it's raining (umbrellas are for girls).

[Soren]

(umbrellas are for girls).

Interesting theory. Up here we say "umbrellas are for tourists".



Also, if you dress fully male before you start getting manly changes, you're more likely to be tagged as a butch les. Try a more androgynous wardrobe if possible. And look around charity shops while you're going through weight loss, getting clothes that fit you will make you feel better than walking around in a tent, and charity shops tend to be a hell of a lot cheaper, so you can save your money for other things.

Another thing-  a lot of people are actually lactose in tolerant without knowing it, so you might try switching to almond or rice milk and seeing if that changes anything. Almond milk has more calcium and protein than dairy milk anyway.

There's also a Health forum with other sub-forums for nutrition, weight loss, and fitness. You may want to check those out.

[cricketsong]

you can de-transition if something doesn't go right medically or otherwise).

I've never been told that you could! But that's really neat to know. And yes where i live is really hard, my girlie helps a ton and we're setting plans to move north in two years or so. I don't plan on making any huuuuge plans until then (meaning anything like T, or even top surgery).

I am also kinda dragging my heels on transition due partly to my weight. I am still 240lbs @5'4" tall, but hey- when I started, I was 300lbs. I'll get there eventually and so will you! I would say that although spacerace is right about your ability to lose weight through diet restriction alone, especially in the beginning, exercise will help ya feel better about yourself overall. I won't be running marathons anytime soon, but it's helped with some of the little things that used to make me extra self-conscious, like getting winded after climbing stairs or jogging to my car when it's raining (umbrellas are for girls).

^ All this. All of it makes me smile. I've been feeling good about myself with lil exercises, and little things really really help i'm starting to learn. Reading more on here and learning more about food from my GF and such (her parents are uber health nuts), it's getting me on a good track. Especially with a goal.

Also, if you dress fully male before you start getting manly changes, you're more likely to be tagged as a butch les. Try a more androgynous wardrobe

^ Buh. I know this... I have a pretty normal/andro wardrobe atm, so i think i'm doin ok. I have never liked dresses/skirts, so i don't even own one now. But i am looking up the health board! At the moment (as for the milk thing) I'm into raw milk from the farmer's market in town, getting into a lot of paleo diet stuff as well. It's all a bit overwhelming!

You guys completely rock! Thanks for all the tips and cheering on! And thanks for the warm welcomes :3

[insideontheoutside]

Everyone has some good advice here. To me, the real key to weight loss is actually motivation. And it sounds like you've got that. Don't do any fad diets, just eat healthy foods (like what Soren mentioned) and ease into exercising. Experiment with different sorts of exercise. Even if the motivation is there, it helps to do things you actually enjoy doing, not ones that seem like a total chore. I bought myself a punching bag and realized that it's not just good stress relief, it's a good workout and fun for me to boot. So incorporate some of those fun things with anything else you're doing to switch it up and keep your motivation up.

I dealt with anxiety a lot in my life and a couple natural things that helped me were doing Qi Gong exercises and going to a Chinese herbalist/acupuncturist. I know the later isn't for everyone, but you can find many Qi Gong exercises for free on YouTube.

[Tadpole]

I've been told that it varies on how long you reach the "point of no return" using T, meaning that you can choose to go off of it at any time but after a certain amount of time you'll have some masculine features that won't go away even if you stop T. I'm still not entirely sure myself. I think it's great you have support and that it's also good to not let people pressure you into doing anything.