Hi everyone...
I'm 53, a male, socially and anatomically, and first wanted to wear a dress at the age of 4, something I told my mum at that time. Now why should a 4-year-old boy want to wear a dress? At age 7 I can remember hearing from another boy at school about the death of another boy in the school holidays... and how this boy, the one who had died in the holidays, had wanted to be a girl. All quite matter-of-fact, no coldness, no callousness... but no great emotion either. Just fact... And again, why should a boy want to be a girl? What does a boy know about being a girl? And yet... and yet... and this desire has pursued me, and strengthened, all my life. I've had my splurges, of booze and buying, and my purges... and plenty of very very powerful pleasure - and guilt - masturbating while dressed... and I still don't have the answers to those two questions: why should a boy - or a man - want to dress like a girl or a woman? And why should a boy or man want to BE a girl or a woman? I mean, what can he know about it? What kind of an informed choice can that be?
Passing has never been something I've wanted to do... but I LOVE the sense of calm and, oddly, exhilaration I get from being dressed (and, for the last twenty or so years, filled or taken - in other words anally, with a butt-plug or vibrator, by myself) in what I perceive as a feminine way... although inevitably it's not a state that can be maintained: I can't sit or lie still long before I want somehow to intensify something and therefore masturbate... and then I come and then I'm suddenly in a rush to put it all away, out, negate it... And it's all a mystery to me.
About four years ago I bought some clothing, just for around the house, and some nipple development cream. I never went out as a woman - passing, as I've said, was never what I was into: and I was terrified by the likelihood of failure - but being able to dress as I chose at home (I bought some unsexy nightwear, a couple of slips and tee-shirts, some knickers, shorts and tights, and a couple of fairly butch shirts), where I lived alone at the time, was really, really nice... and within about two months of regularly rubbing this nipple cream in... or maybe it was less than that... my nipples were bigger and so beautifully sensitive! I mean they just felt so great! I loved touching them, loved it... it kind of reminded me of something that was important to me and yet a very special secret. And then... then they started getting a little conspicuously large, or so I thought... and so I stopped.
I look at women and I ache... not to possess them, but to be more like them... but how the hell can I know what it is like to be them? Probably they think their lives are as crappy as I think - only sometimes, mind you - my own to be. Sometimes I think women misread me, mistake my wanting to be like them for wanting to be with them... and yet, in those terms maybe the difference isn't so huge...
I do think that we all have difficulties being in society, and that often it is those difficulties that make us and society better. I think that I'm quite an empathetic kind of person (I was going to say 'guy'... perhaps I should have)... and that part of that is linked to my weird (to me) gender issues. I don't think I ever need to be a woman, or to pass as one... but I would like to pursue this strange path towards... what? Towards... perhaps... being more similar, emotionally mainly, to biological women. (I realise that all this reasoning depends on some weird, totally personal abstraction or idealisation or stereotyping of women, and this is the biggest problem for me.) I'd like to have that calmness I used to get from cross-dressing, that calmness, full-time; I'd like to have sensitive nipples. I'd be more than happy with some redistribution of body fat; I'd welcome, welcome, a decline in sex-drive, because it can lead me into dishonesty with women...
And right now I'd really really welcome some advice.
I don't know what to wish you all except I guess happiness and contentment
Profanity edit
