Hello, my name is Shana-chan but you can call me Shana if you like. I'd like to get this outta the way first and I mean this in the nicest way possible. I didn't come here to make friends, I came to find answers, meet people here who are going through what I'm going through, to get support etc. That doesn't mean I won't become friends with some of you but it takes a LONG time for that to happen. This is very important but any questions I ask in this post (Or in any post) please answer them as best you can since I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important to me. Thanks. (If you don't know that's fine but please say so, thanks.) Also I am not an open person about my gender or my life but for this forum I am willing to make an exception. (After all it'd defeat the purpose of coming here if I didn't open up) I not but a few days ago registered on a different transgender forum (My first one ever) which sadly, wasn't all that good. -_- Didn't feel much of a welcome...I plan to register on one other transgender forum to hopefully get more support. Anyway with that out of the way, time for me to tell ya'll who I am again.
I'm Shana-chan. I was born with a male body however, last Fall I somehow called myself a female in my head by mistake, ever since then I've spent a LOT of time questioning, wondering, thinking/reflecting on the past etc. about it and long story short I realized I've always felt mostly in between (Neither male nor female) while at other times I'd feel female and then rarely male. Now a days whenever I'm around people I mostly feel male which is VERY confusing and hard on me since I prefer to be female. I'm not like most guys tbh. I'm not very strong nor do I care about strength and I don't really act like a male too much if at any, in fact, I enjoy doing female stuff. This is kind of strange seeing as how when I was a kid the boys would ask if I was a girl and I'd get annoyed and or angry because I wasn't a girl. Same with when someone would call me a ma'am on the phone but now a days it makes me happy when they call me a ma'am (Sadly it rarely happens anymore) and when someone calls me a girl. (Only been called a girl online and I'm not a social person in RL yet I still know how society works all too well for how they judge and treat people who're different) I do get both males and females but also don't at times.
So anyway I switch between male, female and in between throughout the day but I'd prefer to feel and to BE female (Have a female body/female everything) so please call/refer to me as a she. Thanks. The switching between genders throughout the day is hard on me at times and I don't know how to control it if there even is a way? If there is a way, please tell me, thanks. I have breasts, small and no I didn't get them from fat, got them 1-3 years before I hit puberty but wish they were a LOT bigger. (I know I should be thankful to even have them, can't help how I feel though) I know I like woman, that is a fact, guess that kind of makes me gay in a way. (Don't really care) However even though I don't like guys in that way I can't help but picture "it" going up in me while master you know at times. (I've never you know like males do, can't really, not easy for me and doesn't feel good that way) I suppose that is normal since my sister told me even gay woman picture that stuff. (Already figured none gay woman pictured it) Also I know what a mother's love feels like since when I see a cat that's the feeling I get towards the cat, a mother's love. Btw, I don't have kids nor have I ever been in a real relationship let alone been kissed on the lips and am still a virgin. Been wearing female cloths since last year, just not out in public, have yet to tell people except my sister and a select few people which other than my sister, didn't turn out well. -_- Well at least my sis is supportive but my Dad, I'd like to tell him but he told me in these exact words "if I'm planning on becoming a girl then (And this is where his tone of voice became more serious) I'd better not tell him" which, that's worrisome. (He thinks people like us are confused and his church has brain washed him and I'm sure given what he said he suspects what I am but doesn't want to admit it) Btw I'm an adult, live in the US in GA and live by myself. My Dad is my representative payee (Due to circumstances I'm getting a late start in life) and I have no job atm nor have I ever worked before. So what do you think he'd do/react if I told him?
I am now wearing a bra out in public and recently I met my Dad while wearing my bra and I'm not sure if he noticed or not. Oh and already talked to my Dad about me wearing a bra, he thinks unless my breasts are big I shouldn't wear it despite me telling him how it makes me feel when I don't wear one. Anyway there are still many female things I'd like to do, I'm to the point where I'm just wanting to wear what I want to wear and be myself however, I ain't got a job, don't have a car and atm I'm taking some driving lessons to see if I can drive, so far it's going good but I ain't got a license to drive yet and the little research I did didn't look too promising for people like us for getting a job and also for being treated right AT the job. It's only thanks to the government that I'm able to be where I'm at today but the money will run out within the next 2-3 months max IF I'm really lucky so I NEED a job and asap! It's also very hard on me since I fear what others will think of me/how they'll treat me if they knew my secret. Also my so called "family" isn't a family to me so I doubt I have anyone who I can turn to for help that "can" help me. So given all this, I WANT to come out but, I don't know what he'll do/react and if I try to get a job, chances are I'll be turned down just because of "what" and "who" I am. I now have to decide whether to go and buy male interview cloths or female interview cloths (If you can help me decide, then thank you, any advice is appreciated) and I know the smartest thing to do is to "hide" who I am but that's not right, we shouldn't have to do that.
Further more for males when they go to an interview, it said they're supposed to have clean cut nails, mine are clean, they're cut, but, cut in terms of how a girl's nails are cut. Mine are long, I like them that way, I even wear nail polish from time to time and so, they might not hire me just because of the long nails, not to mention, I now wear a bra every day and every where I go though for the interview itself I "could" go without one, but I shouldn't have too. Really I shouldn't HAVE to lie about who I am or try to cover it up and it really gets to me that for males, certain jobs such as Publix requires them to have short hair which is REALLY wrong, they don't "own" them so I'll NEVER work for them if I can help it. ^_^; So really I just don't know what to do, any advice and help you or anyone can give is much appreciated and thank you. Also, I prefer to feel female but my switching between the 3 is really getting to me and makes it confusing/hard for me, so if you know of a way to keep it at one, and switch between the 3 at will then if you can tell me then thank you very much. So, what should I do? Any advice?
Well to wrap this up (Sorry I talk a lot at times and I imagine I'll be doing that a lot here, sorry, I tried and will try to continue to try), Any advice/stuff you want to say/give I'd like to see/know. This is my 2nd time on a transgender forum (Still very new to this as I said earlier given my last experience) so are there any rules that differ from regular forums? What's the sig size limit? Is there anyone here whose going through most of/all of what I'm going through and if so, do you know if they'd be willing to talk with me? Any advice on what are the best places to go to here in Susan's place? And lastly, thanks for any and all help etc. and for reading my wall of text post and I hope I haven't forgotten something here but if you have a question for me, just ask.
EDIT: How come it says I'm a visitor when I'm not? And how come I can't upload an Avatar? And why is there a verification letters and 2 math problems for me to have to answer every single time? IS there a way to turn that off?
