I need help badly...

[jollypiratenicknames]

So, I'm new here, and for a while there's been something that I need to get off my chest. It has to do with my parents, and this whole situation is really dragging me down.  have low self esteem as it is and what's going on isn't making it any better, but I feel like if I can get rid of some of my baggage, that might help. So, here goes:

i finally came out to my mom about seven months ago- she already knew that i was bisexual and she was fine with it, and since it had been long enough anyway and i felt that i was ready, i decided that i was going to tell her that i wasn't who she thought i was; that her little girl was anything but that. i figured she'd be accepting of it, and tell me that i could transition no questions asked and that she wouldn't care; i figured that i could be her son instead of her daughter and she'd be fine with it, and love me just the same. so i asked her to let me stay home from school so we could talk and she said yes. after a while of beating around the bush, i went all or nothing and told her that i wasn't actually a girl, and that i'd known that for years.  long story short, she didn't accept me at all- she said it was "bullsh*t" and that i "just wanted a way to be part of some special club", which was ridiculous! i mean, if i wanted to be part of a special club, i could've joined an after school activity rather than opting to turn my entire world upside down. but she didn't listen, and she just bombarded me with reasons why she didn't believe me until i started crying. i tried to talk to her three other times- and yes, i did tell her that i understood how hard it was for her, and tried to listen to her side- but the same thing happened every single time. so eventually i gave up trying to talk to her and just tried to stealthily transition, starting out with nonchalantly donating the majority of the pink sparkly clothes she'd always bought me and buying more stereotypically male clothes when we went shopping. she noticed but she just rolled her eyes at me like i was being dramatic and unreasonable. after that, she'd make snide remarks when we went out shopping, saying things like, "this shirt is cute! oh, wait, i forgot you're not like that anymore. hmm. i guess we better go shop in the boys section, right? you can go by yourself.", or remarking, "too bad you're not a girl anymore, the real you would've liked this." and making me feel even more shameful about myself. as if this wasn't hard enough. but i tried to let that go, to tell myself that she was just having trouble and missing her little girl. it didn't do much, but the relief it gave me was good enough, as stressed as i was.

somewhere along the way, she told my dad, and then he started in on me too, saying even more hurtful things about my body. he'd tell me that just because i dressed like a boy didn't make me one, or ask me things like, "that chaz bono guy, is that what you want to be like? are you serious?" he weaves back and forth from being okay with it to being downright spiteful, defending me from my mom one day to joining in the next. the other day i (accidentally!) elbowed my mom in her, uh, chest, then apologized. she elbowed me right back, and when i complained, she muttered, "what? you know, just because you pretend you don't have them doesn't mean they're not there. you still have them." that made me feel pretty horrible about myself, especially when my dad and my 15 year old brother laughed at me.

speaking of my brother, he's starting to do it, too. we were watching a show that happened to have a transman in it and my brother said, "so... what's with this guy?" thinking he was just clueless, i told him that the guy was a man, but was born in the wrong body, to say the least. he snorted, made a point of looking at me, and said, "so, what, he's got a man-gina?" (man vagina) that hurt my feelings a lot, especially since he knows how i feel about straight-up transphobia like that. but none of them really seem to care about my feelings; my dad has made joking remarks on several occasions (i'd rather not repeat them) involving my chest and/or lack of a penis because he seems to think they're funny. they're not. i know i don't have a penis, even though i should; you don't have to rub it in. (by the way, sorry for saying the p-word, i figured that since it's a serious issue, nobody would mind.) when i told my dad that when i wore my new clothes (boy clothes) to school for the first time, i felt better than i ever have, my brother snorted, "condragulations" from the other room and it made me feel like crap.

i feel like my family's betraying me; what happened to "i'll love you no matter what"? it's making me feel so guilty and ashamed about my identity that i can't stand myself, and that every morning i have to get out of bed just brings another day filled with self-loathing and digust for myself, both my mind and my body. being transgender is bad enough as it is- when i had to hide myself under pink, glittery clothes and a mask of happiness, i felt just as horrible as i do now. i've told my family that i don't like it when they make hurtful remarks like that; they just roll their eyes and tell me that i'm overreacting. my words can't seem to get through to them, and it's wearing me down. i feel useless, worthless, disgusting. like a freak. this is my family- i'm used to getting bullied at school, but i shouldn't have to deal with it when i get home, too. it makes me feel like i should just "be a girl again" so i won't disappoint my parents anymore, even though i know how much that hurts.

i'm just lost on how to deal with this. i feel like i'm completely alone, like nobody understands me. all that this has taught me is not to get close to anybody; even the people you trust the most can hurt you, when it comes down to it. i read stories about all these accepting parents and think, why don't i get that? i love my mom and dad, and they love me, i know they love me, but they just don't act like it sometimes. they don't take me seriously; the things they say are more hurtful than being called "bi*ch" and "sl*t" and "dy*e" at school.

i feel bad that i made this so long. 🙁 i just needed to let out all the hurt. but i need somebody to talk to. and i feel like a drama queen, like i'm being melodramatic, but i guess everybody needs to rant sometimes. i just kind of need some help getting through this. *pathetically hopeful puppy dog face*

ps: i'm really sorry i made it so long. and pitiful-sounding. this is the only place i have to get all this out.

pps: for some reason my tablet stopped letting me use capitals part of the way through, sorry about that...

[LordKAT]

No need to apologize so much. Your feelings are real and you have every right to share them, especially in a forum meant to give support.

I get the feeling that you are in high school. If so, do they have a counselor or psychiatrist there?  Perhaps a sympathetic coach or teacher. If you can access someone like that, life may be a bit more bearable. Until you can be 18 or more, medical can be tricky, including talking to a therapist. You may be able to talk to a counselor or therapist based on depression or stress, at least that is what you can tell your family. Once there, you can talk about gender and bullying issues both at school and at home.

I have no magic answers for you but I can tell you that you are not alone. My life wasn't great at school or home either,but bad enough at home that school was preferable.

Welcome to Susan's and I hope you can make friends here. That too can alleviate some of the stress.

Plan for college and your future so that you have something to look forward to and dreams to aim for. There is a light at the end of high school, aim for it, grab it and go.

[Shana-chan]

Hello again Adam. Remember what I'm about to say. You are NOT useless. You are NOT worthless. You are NOT disgusting. You are NOT a freak and use most certainly are NOT alone. Many people have and are going through much of what you're going through. (That's putting it lightly) I am VERY sorry you're being treated that way, especially by your family. I don't know what to say or how to help on that but I really do hope you remember what I say here. I hope you can speak with someone about what's going on as Kat suggested and try and hang in there. Also if you're having thoughts of suicide or begin to have those thoughts then please get help immediately. YOU MATTER! Your life does matter Adam so hang in there and don't throw it away. I'm sorry I don't know what else to say but if you've got questions just ask and hopefully people can answer them. Also if you need to talk, just post. Just let all your feels out. I'll save this page so I won't lose track of this thread and so I can check back into here and don't feel bad at all for the long post or the caps not working.

[Priestess]

poor thing :C .
i'm scared of this exact thing happening to me if i decide to bring this up to my parents ...
you don't deserved to be treated this way and i hope that things change for you .
you seem like a great person but others just can't accept you for who you're .

[jollypiratenicknames]

Thank you guys for your support... I was surprised anybody answered at all, but I'm very, very glad that you did. And Shana (nice to see you again, by the way  🙂 ), thank you especially. I don't think I've ever received a compliment as meaningful as the one (or five 😉 that you gave me.  That's the first time in a long time that anybody has said something more heartfelt than "Nice shoes"  to me; as you can probably tell, I'm not so popular at school.

But I just feel so selfish complaining about my life- like I'm just overreacting and nobody should have to get stuck with my complaints. But either way, thank you all for your help, and, Shana, (if you wouldn't mind) could I maybe talk to you more often? I could definitely use a friend....

By the way, my caps lock works again! Yay!

[Edge]

Hi. You're not overreacting. What they are saying and their lack of support is hurtful. You're also not being selfish. Everyone has and needs boundaries. You want yours to be respected. That is perfectly reasonable. Also, it is normal and reasonable to need and want support which is what this site is here for. Taking care of yourself and asking for help is not selfish. It's smart.
I second the suggestion to go see a counsellor. Unfortunately, no one can make your family treat you better, but there are a lot of us who have had difficult home lives as teenagers as well. You're not alone.

PS- A quote from The Crow. Nice. 😉 Also, sorry if I'm no help and/or too blunt. I am bad with words.

[Shana-chan]

No problem Adam. 🙂 I just really do hope you'll remember what I said there because it's true. Also I've never really been popular myself and that's fine with me so long as people treat me like a human being. And what Edge said I say too. (All of it except the PS part though I am blunt at times, don't mean to be though) You really don't and shouldn't feel selfish or any other negative emotion for reaching out and needing to talk and so on. Nothing wrong at all with that so don't feel selfish or any other negative emotion. Instead, be glad you did. Far too many people don't and as a result, the pain they feel only gets worse. 🙁

I don't mind at all Adam and I welcome talking with you more. 🙂 I'd even like to be your friend too but, because of how I grew up and with friends hurting me (Including online friends) I have to get to know the person before I'll be their friend. Usually it takes a while but with you I have a really good feeling so it might not take nearly as long, though I am an adult in my 20's so hopefully that's not a problem for you? See a friend whether online or real life is still a friend, most don't use the friend system as an actual friend system but I do. I take friendship seriously. (Then again I take everything seriously almost 100% of the time) So I need to get to know you before I can become your friend. I hope you're not hurt by that and really had I not of been hurt and grew up the way I did then I would think I could just friend anyone right on the spot. Still I would definitely like to talk to you more and get to know you better so we can become friends.

So what you want to talk about and or know? (Hopefully I know/have the answer and if not then someone else might)

[ShyBrian]

Dang, that's uncalled for. I know constantly hearing those hurtful things from your family is hard, but never let that negative attention get to you to the point where you feel you can't be the man you wanna be. Don't put on that dress or that blouse because it makes them feel better if you feel miserable. After hearing all of that BS from your family I'm sure you're tempted to wear female clothing just to make them stop picking on you. But if they would rather bully and sneer at their own son than to try to listen to what you have to say....they're not worth the stress. I'd just wash my hands of them and try to focus on tackling what needs to be done in order to accomplish what you want to do. I'm not in the same situation as you as far as difficulties with family (I'm technically still in the closet) But I'm also unable to do much of anything about transition or anything medical because of my age. If you're going to high school, yeah, I'm around your age so we're in a nook where we really can't do much of anything about transitioning and starting a life in the correct gender yet. But what you can do right now is have patience and plan what you want to.
Something that I do that helps me a lot to keep my head up is to read different stories and letters of other transgenders on the internet. And I'm not talking about coming out stories. I'm talking about stories of people that have had a rough beginning but pulled through in their transition and began their life despite their families scowls. To look for positive statements to hold on to rather than negative remarks. You don't need all of that crap. Stick around to friendlier communities such as Susan's and vent in the forums if you need to. Your not bugging anybody here so don't think your threads need to short N sweet. To me, the longer, the better; it helps getting to know someone.
I know you love your family and I'm sure they love you too. I'm not telling you to get bitter and turn your back on them, I know you don't want to upset them. I'm just saying to not let them drag you down. They don't know what you're going through and it's their fault for not trying to understand. And listen, not all family is blood related; we're all family here and are more than willing to hear what you have to say. Hang in there bro! 

[jollypiratenicknames]

Edge: Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not bothering anyone, that I'm not being selfish; I REALLY needed that. I don't do well gauging other peoples' emotions and so I deal with a lot of anxiety that's based on my lack of certainty of how others feel.
I'm currently seeing a therapist, actually, but the only reason I'm allowed to is because my parents thought it would make me want to be a girl again. That's been unsuccessful, and I have a hard time telling my therapist about what my family's doing because I feel so guilty about it, which is what's strange for me. 😕 I feel like I should be able to let loose on them without feeling like a total piece of crap, but I do nonetheless and it doesn't make sense. But either way, this is the most help I've gotten in a long, long time and it's doing me a lot of good.

PS- You noticed. 🙂 That's one of my favorite movies and nobody's realized yet. And don't worry, that wasn't too blunt at all.


Shana: Thank you for accepting! I feel like I can talk to you/ask you questions, so I'm glad you'd be willing to listen. And I'm not upset at all; I know how you feel because I've felt that way too. Take as long as you need. I don't know how much help this will be, but I promise I won't hurt you (as long as you don't hurt me). Making friends is hard for me because I have severe social anxiety (even online)- it took me such a long time to sign up for this site and a LOT of panicking before I posted. I have a hard time maintaining close relationships, but I make an effort most of the time.
     As for questions, I have another, for you or anybody who wants to answer... sometimes I feel suicidal, but in a different way (which I'll explain shortly) because I feel like I'll never be a real man. I mean, I can take testosterone and get surgery, if I so wish, but there's still this nagging feeling that since I'm FAAB, I'll never be able to be a "true" man. It's incredibly depressing, and I feel like nothing's worth it. Everything would be  SO much easier if I'd been born in the right body; that's all I can ever think. And when I say "suicidal in a different way", I mean that I don't want to slit my wrists or anything, I just wish something would kill me so that I don't have to do it myself. I wish I could... Cease to exist, so to speak. Every time I'm in the car, I hope for an accident. Every time I'm in the shower, I wish that I could just slip on a bar of soap and hit my head. I know I'm a guy but I still feel female- my voice, my face, and especially the bad parts, constantly remind me that there's nothing I can do for another five years. That I'm stuck, and that's exactly how I feel. I know I sound like a crazy person, but... I'm kind of lost.

Brian: Thanks for your support! I've been looking for a way to kind of... let go, I guess you could say, but it's hard because I feel like I'm making the wrong decision. But when it comes from somebody else, it makes it easier because then I know that what I'm thinking isn't crazy, that I'm not the only one thinking those thoughts. You're right- I do love my family, but this is too much to deal with and they don't have a right to say those things. One of the worse things about this situation is the fact that they still get to say what I can and can't do- if they told me to wear female clothing, I'd have to, and that's the hard part. I just wish they could accept their son and let go of their daughter...
But I'm just glad to know that I've got people waiting for me here at Susan's that have been through what I'm going through, because that makes it so much easier. Nobody I know in the physical world will ever know what this feels like, so I'm glad I have Susan's and all the people who've offered support. 🙂

[Shana-chan]

You should really tell your therapist what's going on and how you feel INLCLUDING the suicidal thoughts. Thoughts like that are NEVER good and they can get worse. I really do hope you'll talk to your therapist about what's going on and those thoughts. It can make a difference and no way are you bothering anyone so don't hold back.

No need to thank me but all the same you're very welcome. 🙂 Well unfortunately I am blunt at times, I almost always don't realize I was being blunt so sometimes misunderstandings and such happen. 🙁 Still I wouldn't hurt you on purpose and if I ever did by accident then sorry. Never heard of severe social anxiety before but if it's something you can over come then I'm sure you can do it. Most times people panic over nothing so try not to worry about things too much. You'll find if you can do that things will be a lot easier for you.

I didn't see a question mark but I think I know what you're wanting to know. Tbh the way you feel is EXACTLY how we all feel in some or all of what you said. For me I was born with a male body, grew up not realizing "who" and "what" I was until last fall when I accidentally called myself a girl in my head. Long story short I realized I had always felt mostly in between while sometimes feeling like a female and at others rarely like a male. I would switch between the 3 throughout each day. That's still the case for me today only, now I feel mostly in between or female when I'm by myself or online and sometimes feel male when I'm by myself. (Sadly lately that feeling male, switching to male that is has increased lately) And whenever I speak to someone whether on the phone or face to face, I instantly feel and switch to my male side and I can tell you now, that is not easy for me and makes my life VERY confusing and so on. I have always been a very feminine "male" ("Male" for how society views me as) but tbh I much prefer to be female, to have been born fully female. I would gladly give up my male side/body if it meant I could be born as a 100% female. (Voice, looks, feelings etc.) I'll never get to know what it's like to be a female in many ways, such as giving birth to my child, that hurts and I'm not the type of person who likes pain but if I could be born with a female body then I'd more than be willing to put up with the pain of having a period and giving birth to my child but the reason why I've told you all of this is for 2 reasons. So you could know me better and also so you'd know, you are NOT AT ALL crazy nor do you sound crazy and the feelings you have are the same feelings we all have. Now I'm still learning stuff myself here so hopefully others can post more advice but what is gender? At birth doctors decide whether a baby is male or female. This includes when babies are born as "intersex." But just how common is intersex? I really think you should read these 2 links and then continue with this post.

http://www.isna.org/faq/what_is_intersex 🔗
http://www.isna.org/faq/frequency 🔗

I'm certainly no expert on the subject but perhaps the reason why you feel female is due to your Estrogen? (Does anyone know if this is the case?) And even if I'm right you NEED to remember that taking hormones that weren't prescribed to you by a doctor can be fatal and have some SERIOUS complications so it's better for you to hang in there and wait if you're planning on ever taking hormones. I know that's harsh, I know that's not what you probably wanted to hear there but I say it because this is your life we're talking about here and I care if you get hurt or not. Anyway going back to the body. It's my personal belief that the body is just a shell. It's not what our "soul" actually looks like. So if you really think you'll never be able to be a true man just because you being FAAB and because of your body then I believe that's not true. Many people made the change and feel right with themselves. I honestly don't know whether you'd feel that way or not since I'm not you and everyone is different. I really do hope you'll tell your therapist what you told me. I also hope others will respond to what you said and tell you what they know/can. And the whole voice, face and feeling 3 different genders in "my" case I can relate too. I think we all can here. It really gets to me too, you're not alone in all of how you feel, never forget that and never forget that people DO care about you. Whether you think they do or not people DO care about you Adam. I honestly hope you NEVER kill yourself and that nothing bad ever happens to you (Especially if it kills you) because while life may be tough, BRUTAL even at times (Or a LOT of the time), it can also be a lot of fun. You're still young Adam, I hope you'll grow up to realize just how great life can be but in the mean time I know you have to wait for a long time but that waiting doesn't have to be all waiting. You've got a good bit of time to figure things out, make plans, learn MANY things on this subject as well as the world itself and who knows, you may actually meet someone in real life someday whose going through what you're going through. In fact, perhaps you already have and you just don't know it yet? When you stop and think about it, perhaps someone you know or someone close to you (Like in the same class but you don't know them) is going through what you're going through but they're too afraid or just have yet to come out about it.

[Edge]

(Sorry I haven't read all of the new posts yet. I have to run errands soon, but I'll read them when I have time.)

I don't do well gauging other peoples' emotions and so I deal with a lot of anxiety that's based on my lack of certainty of how others feel.

Oh me too. I'm afraid I'm no help in this area since I'm probably about as good at it.

I have a hard time telling my therapist about what my family's doing because I feel so guilty about it, which is what's strange for me. 😕 I feel like I should be able to let loose on them without feeling like a total piece of crap, but I do nonetheless and it doesn't make sense.

Actually, it makes a lot of sense. They're your family. I'm guessing you love them and hope they will one day accept you right? Not to mention, there are all sorts of messages out there on how you're supposed to love and respect them and pointing out that they are hurting you might feel like you're failing in doing that. Is that a good guess? I would also guess that at least part of you thinks what they are doing is somehow your fault. This may, subconsciously or consciously, make you wonder if whoever you tell will also tell you it's your fault. Also, since you are (no offence) at that time in your life where hormones are going haywire, perhaps you are worried that they'll brush it off as "every teenager has problems with their parents." (That's what people told me anyway.)
Your family's behaviour is their responsibility, no one else's (including you). You are allowed to feel however you feel. There is no "right" way to feel. You have nothing to lose by talking to your therapist about it and you will probably be pleasantly surprised. If people tell you that "everyone" has those problems, stand your ground.
If you don't mind me asking, what does your therapist think about your gender issues?

PS- You noticed. 🙂 That's one of my favorite movies and nobody's realized yet.

Really? I like it too.

[jollypiratenicknames]

Edge: Wow. That was a very good guess. You pretty much nailed it down. And as for my therapist, I have no idea what he thinks because my parents specifically asked him not to tell me one way or the other because I'm "too impressionable", apparently. But it's done nothing productive; instead I just feel left out, like something's being hidden from me. Since they said not to, he doesn't give any feedback, any advice- instead I just talk and he doesn't say anything, which feels one-sided. I mean, how is he supposed to help if he's not allowed to mention it?? My parents are either in deep, deep denial, or they just don't care/don't believe me. My dad said today (in a crowded mall, in front of lots of people who heard since he's such a loudmouth), "This whole, 'I'm a boy, not a girl' thing? I don't believe it. I think you're faking it." I was not just humiliated, since everyone heard, and looked at me, I was hurt and betrayed. Because not only does he not support me, he's going even further out of his way to make me ashamed of who I am. As if I'm not ashamed enough.
   So, my therapist presumably does have an opinion; I'm just barred from knowing it.

Shana: I did talk to my therapist about my suicidal ideation, once, but I've been afraid to discuss it again because he inadvertently made it worse: I told him I wanted to commit suicide, but I was scared to. Not scared of death; just worried about my family. He said, "Why not? Suicide is so easy, why not do it?" which I guess was some sort of psychological tactic, but all it did was make me say, "He's right- it IS easy. They probably wouldn't care. So, yeah. Why not?" I wish I could talk to my parents about it, but there's no way they'd believe me. I am 100% sure my dad would, like he always does, roll his eyes and say, "Oh, God. Whatever," and go back to reading Rolling Stone. That or call me an "attention whore" (sorry for cursing, his words), which he did today as well. He said that because I'm on crutches for a broken toe. If I told my parents I was considering suicide, they wouldn't take me seriously; they never do. When I told them I was bisexual, they took it well, but their first reaction was, "Are you sure? It's probably a phase." When I told them I was transgender, they scoffed, yelled, shamed me. If I told them this, they'd probably get angry at me. Which would make those thoughts worse. I'm in a staid position- 75% of my suicidal thoughts are due to high levels of gender anxiety, the other 25% due to my parents never taking me seriously (as ridiculous and over the top as I know it sounds, I've been dealing with it since I was little and I feel hopeless). But because they don't take me seriously, I don't transition. Because I don't transition, I have more and more anxiety. Because I have anxiety, I have suicidal thoughts. Nobody takes me seriously for those thoughts, which causes MORE anxiety. It's a vicious cycle, and it never stops. I feel like nothing's worth it anymore- if I told them I felt that way because of my gender issues and their lack of concern, they'd laugh me all the way to my self-inflicted funeral.

I'm really lost right now.

[MaryXYX]

That's not a therapist, that's an informer for your parents.  Tell him you want to be transferred immediately to a therapist who will respect his obligation to keep your personal information confidential.

Actually encouraging a client to go ahead and commit suicide ought to get him struck off, at least.  Is he actually a registered therapist at all?  One option might be to call a suicide hotline - not from your home of course.  Tell them you talked to your therapist and what he said.

There are good and supportive therapists around, but they can be hard to find.  If you say you are transgender a therapist ought to challenge you and get you to think it through, but this one isn't even doing that.

Mary

[Shana-chan]

Edge: Wow. That was a very good guess. You pretty much nailed it down. And as for my therapist, I have no idea what he thinks because my parents specifically asked him not to tell me one way or the other because I'm "too impressionable", apparently. But it's done nothing productive; instead I just feel left out, like something's being hidden from me. Since they said not to, he doesn't give any feedback, any advice- instead I just talk and he doesn't say anything, which feels one-sided. I mean, how is he supposed to help if he's not allowed to mention it?? My parents are either in deep, deep denial, or they just don't care/don't believe me. My dad said today (in a crowded mall, in front of lots of people who heard since he's such a loudmouth), "This whole, 'I'm a boy, not a girl' thing? I don't believe it. I think you're faking it." I was not just humiliated, since everyone heard, and looked at me, I was hurt and betrayed. Because not only does he not support me, he's going even further out of his way to make me ashamed of who I am. As if I'm not ashamed enough.
   So, my therapist presumably does have an opinion; I'm just barred from knowing it.

Shana: I did talk to my therapist about my suicidal ideation, once, but I've been afraid to discuss it again because he inadvertently made it worse: I told him I wanted to commit suicide, but I was scared to. Not scared of death; just worried about my family. He said, "Why not? Suicide is so easy, why not do it?" which I guess was some sort of psychological tactic, but all it did was make me say, "He's right- it IS easy. They probably wouldn't care. So, yeah. Why not?" I wish I could talk to my parents about it, but there's no way they'd believe me. I am 100% sure my dad would, like he always does, roll his eyes and say, "Oh, God. Whatever," and go back to reading Rolling Stone. That or call me an "attention whore" (sorry for cursing, his words), which he did today as well. He said that because I'm on crutches for a broken toe. If I told my parents I was considering suicide, they wouldn't take me seriously; they never do. When I told them I was bisexual, they took it well, but their first reaction was, "Are you sure? It's probably a phase." When I told them I was transgender, they scoffed, yelled, shamed me. If I told them this, they'd probably get angry at me. Which would make those thoughts worse. I'm in a staid position- 75% of my suicidal thoughts are due to high levels of gender anxiety, the other 25% due to my parents never taking me seriously (as ridiculous and over the top as I know it sounds, I've been dealing with it since I was little and I feel hopeless). But because they don't take me seriously, I don't transition. Because I don't transition, I have more and more anxiety. Because I have anxiety, I have suicidal thoughts. Nobody takes me seriously for those thoughts, which causes MORE anxiety. It's a vicious cycle, and it never stops. I feel like nothing's worth it anymore- if I told them I felt that way because of my gender issues and their lack of concern, they'd laugh me all the way to my self-inflicted funeral.

I'm really lost right now.

Adam, I don't know who that guy is but he sure as heck isn't a therapist. A therapist is someone who'll listen to you, give feedback and help you through your tough times. A Psychiatrist is someone who'll listen to you, tell you what "they" think (Not the same as a therapist imo) and try and prescribe you meds which'll do NOTHING! (Depends really but from my experience there's been very FEW Psychiatrists that have actually cared about me and have helped me which is further reason why they aren't a therapist imo) You REALLY need to see a REAL therapist and your parents NEED to stay out of it since as you said, thanks to them interfering it's not helping but good news here. From what that foolish person said, I'm SURE anything he said would've made things worse. Really ask for a REAL therapist. He has NO RIGHT to say that to a person whose saying they're having suicidal thoughts even if it is reverse psychology it could back fire big time! Don't you DARE listen to him Adam! Killing yourself will NOT solve anything, it won't solve your problems Adam. They say sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better and sadly that's very true. I really hope things get better for you Adam and the sooner the better and btw, "Nobody takes me seriously for those thoughts, which causes MORE anxiety." I am taking you VERY serious here. If you say you're having suicidal thoughts, then I believe you. If you say you aren't a girl but a boy then I believe you and I believe you WHILE taking you seriously. People here ALSO believe you and take you seriously. Really you have no IDEA how much it worries me when I think you might just kill yourself. I don't want that for you, that's not going to help and it'll make people sad, real sad. Remember that people DO care about you Adam!!! (Yes I believe your family would be very sad to lose you so don't think they wouldn't) Really Adam, I care and I can only hope my words are reaching you and getting through to you and will help you in your most darkest hr. Don't kill yourself Adam! Giving up won't make it better, only worse. If you hang in there, then eventually things are BOUND to get better. Most of my life it was a war zone because of family to put it simply but now things are finally better, no more war zone. Adam I don't know if you like music or not but even if you don't, go to YouTube, type in Hatsune Miku and watch/listen to some of her songs. Miku helps make me feel better when I'm having a tough time and I hope she'll have the same effect on you. 🙂 Btw, you have absolutely positively NOTHING to be or feel ashamed of here. You are who you are, a boy and as for your parents, I think they're just in really really deep deep denial here and as a result, are doing what they've been doing in hopes that you'll tell them you were wrong and they were right but here is the thing Adam. They aren't you and only YOU can tell whether you're male or female. Also keep in mind something like this is very hard for people to believe and to understand, especially when you bring religion into the equation. (Religion isn't to blame here though, it's people who don't believe/follow what the bible says) We should all do our best to be nice to each other and to try and understand each other. That's something that many people sadly forget due to whatever reason. Adam get help if things don't get better. Call a suicide hotline if these thoughts continue. Really Adam I hope you continue to hang in there. You're not alone in how you feel. Trust me and if you don't then do research on how many people feel like you do but remember to NEVER give up!!!

[Edge]

Edge: Wow. That was a very good guess. You pretty much nailed it down.

Educated guess. I'm an abuse survivor as are too many people. I don't love my family anymore though and haven't for a long time.
Get a new therapist. If you can't get one because of your parents, go to your school counsellor. I would advise to explain about your parents first.
I apologize in advance. I'm bad at words. My family is similar. Based on my experiences, this is what I would suggest: You do not let them win. You do not give up. You wait it out and you fight. Even if it's not overtly fighting (which can be dangerous), you still fight internally to stay alive and maintain your sense of self. Does that makes sense?

[Shana-chan]

I think you're better with words than you think Edge. 🙂

Adam I hope you're listening to what we're saying here so hang in there, stay strong and NEVER give up!

[jollypiratenicknames]

Mary: He is a licensed therapist, but he doesn't seem all that concerned with what's happening. I told him in one session that when I was made to wear female-oriented clothes, I felt like a guy in drag, and he said, "Mm hmm. And how does that feel?" in a removed, absentminded tone, but didn't actually say anything other than that. It's nice to have a place to talk, but when he doesn't reciprocate (upon orders from my parents), it feels like I'm the odd one out- I should know what's happening in my mental development, but everybody knows except the one person who should. And he's said that he won't tell them anything I don't want them to, but even when I did he told them a separate aspect of the same issue; he basically told them anyway, in a gentler way. The worst part is, he specializes in gender issues, but, like I mentioned before, he hasn't offered any advice. And I could really use some advice.

Shana: He hasn't really acted as a therapist, now that I think about it; but I've always had a problem questioning authority and so I trusted him. But now I'm worried that his secret diagnosis is that I'm psycho or something (exaggeration) and I won't know because he's not supposed to tell me. I have an appointment on Tuesday- I'll definitely buck up and tell him how I feel. I'm not sure if patients can demand to see their folders, but I'd like to see the things he's written (that he should've told me). I have a right to know, at least in my opinion.
    And it's so beneficial to hear that someone takes me seriously; even the thought that just one person out there is listening to me has definitely eased some of my anxiety. Feeling alone and ignored is one of the most helpless, miserable, feelings a person can have, and having that loneliness alleviated is comforting. I've been constantly conflicted with thoughts that my life could be better, and thoughts that my life can only get worse. But to be honest, no matter how much crap I have to deal with, I've realized that there are still parts of me that want to live- parts of me that want to be able to make it to college and make something of myself. My whole life my dream's been to get into Juilliard and be a famous violinist; while that's still a highly impractical dream, reminding myself that none of that will exist is definitely a kick in the pants. It's hard now but I know that I'd like nothing more than to be able to grow up and start HRT, and to be the person that I know I am. The bad thoughts are there, of course, but now there's a kind of hopefulness that leads me to believe that they won't take over my life anymore. It's a sudden change, I know (not that I'm complaining), but something just clicked and I realized that I don't have to deal with this all my life. I still have things that can make me happy- music, for one. There's nothing I love more than playing my violin, or sitting down with a good book and a classical radio station. My best friend makes me happier than anybody else; to leave her behind is something that I hadn't considered, and something that I don't want to do.
     But there's one thing that won't go away until I can do something about it, and that's my gender issues. I came to this site for a reason, and that was for help, support, advice- all things that I still seem to be lacking in my daily life, and all things that I'm definitely going to need for a while. So while I'm not having a 100% turnaround about my life (I'm about 10% there), things are getting easier, and I owe it all to you guys.
   I'm still having a very hard time dealing with the teasing and sarcasm, though- nobody seems to realize how much it hurts and they're very careless. They say things like "->-bleeped-<-" and "she-male" (while I'm not MtF, those things still hurt) and make fun of transgender people in general, joking that they'll just call the person "it" because they "don't know whether it's a boy or girl". They've called me a lesbian before, which shouldn't be an insult but they use it as one, and it's hurtful because I know for a fact that I look like a butch lesbian, and I don't pass at all, so I'm very insecure about my appearance.
   But I got a compliment that made my day about a week ago; I was at the store with my mom the other day, and I mentioned to her that they didn't have any ties (I loooove ties ). One of the employees (a transgender female) overheard me and told me that she could help me; so she led me over to the tie section (I loved her, and she was awesome) and there were racks and racks of ties that I missed! I was so excited! But long story short, before she left I made sure to tell her how beautiful she was- I know how much a compliment can mean- and she called me handsome! That was the best day I've had in a long time and I almost cried! Sorry for rambling, but I just got so worked up... That's the first compliment I've had that I feel is correct for my gender. I've been called pretty before... Blech.
   Long story short, I need to thank you for all the help you've given me, and thank you in advance for all the help you'll be giving me in the future. I'm glad you don't mind my ranting.

Edge: I'm sorry you had to endure any abuse at all (obviously I know how tough it is) but you're obviously strong enough to get through it. I'm getting close to not loving my family but I told myself I'd never be like that, so I'm trying to hold on, but it's so much harder than a lot of people would think.
   I'm afraid to go to my school counselor. I don't feel comfortable enough around him to admit something so huge to him- I just don't trust him enough. My other counselor actually is a transman himself, but I'm not allowed to see him (ironically) because I was assigned to Counselor No. 1 and so Counselor No. 2 (who I'd feel much more comfortable with) isn't an option.
   I haven't thought about that at all, but I feel like I definitely should've- my parents are very spiteful people, and if I buckle, then I'm letting them win. I feel like they're trying to push me to the limit, and it's working. But you're very right; to give up would be letting them get the best of me, and I don't want that. I really don't want that, in fact. I want to be my own person; if anybody's losing the fight, it's them.
   Thank you so much for that.
   PS: I agree with Shana. You're definitely more articulate than you think.

[TiaNadiezja]

You are NOT useless. You are NOT worthless. You are NOT disgusting. You are NOT a freak and use most certainly are NOT alone.

This is probably the most important thing anyone's said in this thread.

Your family is being awful.  They're being cruel and ignorant, and they're wrong, and their actions are wrong.  Their words are wrong.  Their treatment of you is wrong.

And, by the way, your therapist sounds horribly underqualified and borderline incompetent.

I hate that you're stuck where you are.  It's an awful situation.  The one thing that makes me thankful that I figured out what was making everything feel wrong as late as I did is the fact that it means I didn't have to make the decision to come out to my parents when they still had power over my life, given that they would have reacted in a way very similarly to yours.

[Yuki-jker86]

Mary: He is a licensed therapist, but he doesn't seem all that concerned with what's happening. I told him in one session that when I was made to wear female-oriented clothes, I felt like a guy in drag, and he said, "Mm hmm. And how does that feel?" in a removed, absentminded tone, but didn't actually say anything other than that. It's nice to have a place to talk, but when he doesn't reciprocate (upon orders from my parents), it feels like I'm the odd one out- I should know what's happening in my mental development, but everybody knows except the one person who should.

I'm sorry I can't read the entire topic because I am dyslexic and it takes me a long time to read, but I felt I need to address this situation.
If it were me, I would stop talking to that 'therapist'.
Right now you are playing their game and you have all your personal power taken from you.
don't play their game. find yourself somebody to talk to like the suicide helpline that has been mentioned.
if they will not treat you with respect then just stop playing ball.
your gender identity is yours, and nobody else's. find your own path and don't let them push you along.

[Shana-chan]

I've been constantly conflicted with thoughts that my life could be better, and thoughts that my life can only get worse. But to be honest, no matter how much crap I have to deal with, I've realized that there are still parts of me that want to live- parts of me that want to be able to make it to college and make something of myself. My whole life my dream's been to get into Juilliard and be a famous violinist; while that's still a highly impractical dream, reminding myself that none of that will exist is definitely a kick in the pants. It's hard now but I know that I'd like nothing more than to be able to grow up and start HRT, and to be the person that I know I am. The bad thoughts are there, of course, but now there's a kind of hopefulness that leads me to believe that they won't take over my life anymore. It's a sudden change, I know (not that I'm complaining), but something just clicked and I realized that I don't have to deal with this all my life. I still have things that can make me happy- music, for one. There's nothing I love more than playing my violin, or sitting down with a good book and a classical radio station. My best friend makes me happier than anybody else; to leave her behind is something that I hadn't considered, and something that I don't want to do.
    But there's one thing that won't go away until I can do something about it, and that's my gender issues. I came to this site for a reason, and that was for help, support, advice- all things that I still seem to be lacking in my daily life, and all things that I'm definitely going to need for a while. So while I'm not having a 100% turnaround about my life (I'm about 10% there), things are getting easier, and I owe it all to you guys.

But you're very right; to give up would be letting them get the best of me, and I don't want that. I really don't want that, in fact. I want to be my own person; if anybody's losing the fight, it's them.

Adam, he really does sound like a Psychiatrist to me. Which btw, other then 1 maybe 2, all haven't cared about me and said how does that make you feel? (With exactly what you said btw though some in a more caring way but still not caring imo) Also it sounds like you're hoping the Therapist will tell you and your parents that you're a male. Whether that happens or not let me say this. NO ONE but YOU can say for sure whether you're male or not. Sure therapists can help us to further discover things we've missed or not noticed and yes "some" won't care or will tell you the opposite of what you know to not be the case. If that happens then find another who does care.

Again, you're not crazy and that includes psychopath which you're not. So Tuesday is here/was here, how'd it go? That it is Adam. 🙂 And I'm not the only one listening to you here. Others here have been listening too and commenting as well. We take you seriously here Adam so hang in there. Also remember your own words there Adam which I've bolded in the quote and which I'm saying too. Also why do you have to leave your friend behind? And also remember that your dream won't come true if you give up so keep pushing forward, hang in there, keep talking to people when you need too and never give up! You also owe it to yourself for coming here and posting. 🙂

We all go through that hurtful stuff Adam, even me, even my own Dad said something about my long hair and the hair clips which I wore to keep my bangs out of my eyes and it hurt me and made me break into tears and so on. Luckily my Sis was there for me, not the best with words but she calmed me down and that REALLY helped me and meant a LOT to me. Also, even if you really won't pass at all, that's just now. Remember you're still growing up so that could change and even if it doesn't, just remember that there are PLENTY of people who didn't pass but had surgeries and stuff done and now they do pass. I believe there's a section in here with before and after photos which I've been meaning to check out because just like you, I too have a difficult time with my appearance and more. So just remember there's ALWAYS hope!

Haha, I'm the opposite. I prefer pretty vs. handsome but I DO know what you mean and I enjoyed reading that so, rambling or not, it's fine. 🙂 You're welcome and hang in there. Also it's ok to express how you feel, even if it's a rant. (Imo you have hardly been ranting)

I don't see why you can't ask the councilor you're assigned to if you can see Counselor #2. And if you need to, explain it's VERY important and urgent that you speak with #2 and ASAP! Explain if that's not enough how it's something which you need to speak with #2 about and that you're not able to speak with #1 about. If you don't want #1 to know your situation then choose your words carefully but don't stress about it too much. Really though, get someone else other than that Therapist to talk to about your situation and the sooner the better Adam. Also, maybe for these school counselors you might can keep your parents out of the loop here. That way they can't tell them not to say nothing. Either way best of luck and let us know how it goes.