Am I making a huge, terrible mistake?

[Joanna Dark]

How do you get over this feeling? I don't feel it all the time and I especially don't feel it when I'm with my BF but sometimes I wonder if I was single would it be the same? I mean last night I had this dream and in it I didn't pass and was this outcast. It was horrible. I know passing maybe shouldn't matter so much but it does. I presented completely female yesterday in the city and it's a huge city and every look I got I wondered, do they know? I was wearing faded black skinny jeans which leave not much to the imagination and a form fitting top (which I love) and my body certainly is all female but I still worry about my face and it's like what happens if I just keep feminizing in my body but my face lags behind? I don't know. I don't want to get stuck.

And then I start wondering if I am even trans. I mean I've had these feelings forever, quite literally, but I never did anything until I turned 30 and what was a pretty androgynous appearance became increasingly masculine. I mean I showed my BF what I looked like 3 months ago and he was like "Holy $h!t!" So I guess that's good but then I think well if i did something when I was 18 I'd be so different. Why didn't I seek out help? Why did I just wait? I always planned and never acted. It was always next year. And when I finally got the money and my first thought was I can finally get a sex change and it was like this huge feeling of relief, I still did not act.

But I feel like I am doing the right thing most of the time and my life will improve so much and the thought of being complete brings me such sweet serenity. So there is that. And why would it make me feel so good if it was so wrong. I guess mainly it's these dreams I'm having bringing me doubts. Maybe they're healthy.

[Flan]

Regret leads to indecision, indecision leads to fear, fear leads to stagnation as life and the choices move past while one remains in fear that a choice may lead to regret.

Nobody is perfect but inaction is as much a choice as doing or not doing a certain action. So I figure it's better to decide to do something based on known risks and if something undesired happens to deal with it then and there instead of waiting until a mythical perfect happens which almost never does.

[Sephirah]

Dreams about certain things don't necessarily mean they're about certain things, if you get what I'm trying to say. The mind uses what it knows, or what you know, in order to convey emotions. It works with what it has. That you've been thinking about. And if that's a focus on gender issues, then that's the easiest thing to provide the imagery around. The feelings evoked from not passing and feeling like an outcast may be related to something entirely different.

Not to make light of it, but to illustrate the point: after a particularly severe bout of dysphoria, I had a very vivid dream that I was on the operating table, having SRS, but something had gone wrong and I was bleeding internally. Everyone was panicking and I was starting to feel more and more pressure, like I wanted to burst. I felt that if I did, there would be a vast, gushing river of blood everywhere.

At that point I woke up, and realised I desperately needed to pee.

It seems reasonable to assume that a subject which occupies a large amount of our time is likely to illicit dreams which are symbolic of something else, using imagery you're familiar with.

Also, I would say that knowing what you have to do, knowing what you want to do... and actually doing it... well, it's not always a natural progression. Things have a nasty habit of getting in the way, distracting us, throwing up obstacles. Defense mechanisms thrown up for us to find "the right time", you know? "Oh I'll do it when I <insert pre-requisite>." Not to mention fear is both very powerful and can be very subtle. The thought of someone else seeing into our soul and telling us we're wrong. That there's nothing we can do, or they won't help. All that can play at the back of your mind.

I don't think you have to actively do, or prove anything to know you are a certain way. Rather that's the other way round, perhaps. It's that you are who you are which drives you to feel the way you do and act accordingly.

What matters, I think, is not when you took action, but that you did. Based on how you feel about yourself. How you feel about who you are can often be the one constant indicator when everything around you is in flux.

[Joanna Dark]

Nobody is perfect but inaction is as much a choice as doing or not doing a certain action. So I figure it's better to decide to do something based on known risks and if something undesired happens to deal with it then and there instead of waiting until a mythical perfect happens which almost never does.

That's what i feel like I am doing now: committing to action and damning the consequences. I'm not getting younger at 30 and feel like time is short and if I act not I can have a half-life. Some life. And maybe a measure of happiness. I've never really been happy. Maybe once or twice.

What matters, I think, is not when you took action, but that you did. Based on how you feel about yourself. How you feel about who you are can often be the one constant indicator when everything around you is in flux.

Hmm, that sounds very true. I feel like my life is in flux right now but the one thing I do feel is satisfied most days. Prolly obsessed with transition but not as much lately. I am just glad to be doing something but still worried should I go back to doing nothing as stupid as that sounds. And doing nothing sounds stupid.

[BunnyBee]

I always feel like dreams are your subconscious' way of working through things that are bugging you (whether you know it or not.)  Like Sephirah says, they aren't always literally about the thing they seem to be about, though sometimes they are.  These are beneath the surface processes that you don't need to worry about, and which, because they can be misinterpreted so easily, maybe you shouldn't worry about.  Your subconscious will figure it out and then sort of guide you in the right direction if you listen to it.

And you should always listen to your subconscious imo.

[Joanna Dark]

I always feel like dreams are your subconscious' way of working through things that are bugging you (whether you know it or not.)  Like Sephirah says, they aren't always literally about the thing they seem to be about, though sometimes they are.  These are beneath the surface processes that you don't need to worry about, and which, because they can be misinterpreted so easily, maybe you shouldn't worry about.  Your subconscious will figure it out and then sort of guide you in the right direction if you listen to it.

And you should always listen to your subconscious imo.

I hadn't thought of that. Maybe they are not about detransitioning at all. Or even not passing but my mind is just reflecting these thoughts for some reason. And maybe they don't really matter. That's what my one friend says about dreams: they don't matter.

But I will pay more attention to what I am feeling and what my subconscious is telling me. I feel like it is telling me I am making the best decision ever, and that's what feels so strange about having these dreams where being trans is so hard. I've only recently started to be trans in my dreams. Once a long time ago I dreamed I had SRS and that was a great dream. i stayed in bed all day trying to go back into it lol

[Heather]

I presented completely female yesterday in the city and it's a huge city and every look I got I wondered, do they know?

Joanna doubting yourself while your out in public will get you clocked faster than anything. Save your fears for when your alone when your out in public show nothing but the confidence that you are a strong beautiful woman. 

but I still worry about my face and it's like what happens if I just keep feminizing in my body but my face lags behind?

I actually have the opposite fear you have. I worry my body will be masculine but my face will be completely feminine. Which is probably a silly fear on both are parts and we all have to learn to be patient. 

I guess mainly it's these dreams I'm having bringing me doubts. Maybe they're healthy.

Joanna we all have doubts early on as to whether were doing the right thing or not. It's mainly just fear or you could be doing like I did earlier and are trying to hold on to some part of your former life. Most of these doubts will work themselves out over time. You just got to figure out what's bothering you and confront it head on. 

[Joanna Dark]

Joanna doubting yourself while your out in public will get you clocked faster than anything.

Yeah I know people say this but I am not sure how it works. I don't have typical male mannerisms. In fact, My BF said the whole reason he started talking to me was that I looked so approachable and like such a pleasnent feminine person. And it was more my mannerisms that make me pass then anything. Facial hair kills me. But women get self-concsious all the time. I think it's all about my face. My body is totally femme it's my face if I make a weird face it looks male. And the facial hair.

I get rid of that I won't pass as male it's the main reason I don't save for it because that's a pretty big commitment and I need to be sure before I make this irreversible. I didn't stop looking like a girl until like five years ago and that was from copious amounts of T and alcohol. So I imagine it will be hard going back. I am 99 percent sure. I won't to be 100. I am not saying i'll be oh so pretty but I will not pass as male if I get it. I wanna but then i'm like ugh what about that? If I had the money right now I would do it though.

Seriously I berely pass as male now in fact I don't. I know I sound like I am bragging but I assure you it is a serious problem and could get real serious as I am on probation and could technically go to jail. But I guess I could always technically go to jail. The whole act of doing this was pretty radical. I wasn't going to until 2015 but I couldn't wait another second. I just couldn't.

Most of these doubts will work themselves out over time. You just got to figure out what's bothering you and confront it head on. 

I think I just answered my own question! Thanks!  Maybe not lol

[Oriah]

Try to relax a bit and give yourself some time to really think.  I've talked with you a bit, and you don't really seem the type to jump to action without reason to.  You obviously decided to transition for a good reason.  Try to remember all the reasons that you started.  Now think of all the reasons you can for stopping....

I know I asked myself similar questions, and had similar fears many times before in the past couple of years.  My conclusions to such tumultuous times typically come out about the same.  Transition complicates my life considerably.  I am placing myself into a pretty discriminated minority.  By transitioning I am consenting to discarding a lot of the previous relationships I've had with certain people in my life, and taking major steps backward as well.  I'm spending resources and time on something that often makes me self conscious and paranoid wondering if I'll pass today....but in the end the big deciding factor is that since beginning transition, I have considerably more difficulty and complication in my life, but I also get from life a certain fulfillment that was never there before.

If you were to stop now, do you think you'd be dealing with the dysphoria again in a few months?  If you were to stop now would you be any happier/unhappy?  If you imagine yourself looking back from your deathbed over a version of your life where you gave up transition, do you think you'd regret it in your final moments?

I don't know if any of this helps you at all, but it's usually what's helped me work through my rough patches.  At any rate, certainly bear in mind that provided you still put in the effort, passing should get easier and easier the longer you stay on HRT and the longer you live as a female.

Again, just my $.02.  If it helps you, great, and if not, feel free to ignore

[BunnyBee]

I hadn't thought of that. Maybe they are not about detransitioning at all. Or even not passing but my mind is just reflecting these thoughts for some reason. And maybe they don't really matter. That's what my one friend says about dreams: they don't matter.

I think dreams do matter, just not necessarily in a way that your conscious mind needs to understand them.  If you keep making choices that bring you closer to feelings of peace, rather than away, well that is how you listen to and allow yourself to be guided by your subconscious.  It knows a lot, often more than your actual conscious mind, that is why I will always rely on intuition and instinct over logic and reason.

[BunnyBee]

Last night I dreamed I was Lucille Ball trying to give a speech after winning an award of some sort.  What was that about??   I handled not having a clue who I was supposed to thank with the utmost of grace thankfully .

[Joanna Dark]

Last night I dreamed I was Lucille Ball trying to give a speech after winning an award of some sort.  What was that about??   I handled not having a clue who I was supposed to thank with the utmost of grace thankfully .

That's awesome. I wish I I was just a woman in my dreams. Its only happened once. I have a lot of dreams about malls and shopping which I think is wish fulfillment. But now I can shop in the woman's section without embarrasment so I made my life long dreams a reality! Its kinda strange how easy it is now when I tyhought I would be stared and snickered at. I love it. Last night I dreamt I was trying to pass as a guy and couldn't which is kinda reality as well. I get weird stares. Yesterday I read this journal of girl who transitioned and didn't tell her GF and got dumped a year into it. Then she tried to stop and all the changes were permanent and she was all depressed cause she could no longer be a guy. She got a sex change. I think it might have been erotic stroke fiction. Not sure. It sounded real but I kinda hope that happens lol

[Ltl89]

Well, to me it sounds like fear.  I can't answer your question, but I can relate.  I don't have doubts in the traditional sense (like questioning my identity or whether I'm trans), yet I certainly have fears that make me doubt whether I can do this all successfully and integrate into society as a female.  Transitioning is hard and all will doubt whether they can make it through it.  Only you can answer if it's right for you, but I think you are strong enough to get through the challenges.  Whether the challenges are worth it in the end, I can't say how you'll feel.

[Joanna Dark]

Well really I feel like I don't have much of a choice in transitioning. Like Oriah said how would I feel if at the end of my life i never traansitioned. And i would feel awful. Without a doubt. I really cant define success but yeah i worry ill never have aanything. But thats fear. And heck i already have a BF and nice boob and pass mot of the time and i have only been on a regular to low regular dose of HRT for five month so i feel pretty lucky.

[Pia Bianca]

I don't have much to contribute but...

I presented completely female yesterday in the city and it's a huge city and every look I got I wondered, do they know?

Judging from what I know, I'd say they found you attractive.

[Joanna Dark]

I don't have much to contribute but...
Judging from what I know, I'd say they found you attractive.

Thanks!!!

[Emily Aster]

The way it's been explained to me is that you are trans just based on the fact that you even considered it. Whether or not you proceed with a full transition has no bearing on whether or not you're trans. Someone else mentioned fear and I think they nailed it. We all have this perfect image in our minds of how we want a post-transition life to be, but we start getting scared that it might not be possible, so we start coming up with reasons why we should change direction to avoid that potential pitfall.

[Heather]

We all have this perfect image in our minds of how we want a post-transition life to be, but we start getting scared that it might not be possible, so we start coming up with reasons why we should change direction to avoid that potential pitfall.

That is so true! Whenever I get afraid that I may never finish transitioning my mind starts thinking about whether I should even try to finish this or not. I realize it's just fear so I don't take it to seriously anymore. 

[Cindy]

One thing that I have noticed, and I think on reflection we all have, is that doubt is a very common human feeling about everything. Often it is the big decisions in life -at that time point- that are the major areas of doubt.

Who hasn't doubted when : getting married, taking a driving lesson, visiting a new place, moving accomodation, changing jobs. All of my Uni students have to give a talk about their work, just to fellow students and teachers, if I had a dollar for the ones who said they couldn't do it, they doubted that they could face it with out breaking down, I could pay for my SRS and a few others!

So doubt is normal and in my opinion healthy. If you don't doubt you are not acepting that you are facing a challenge.

When I went FT there was one lab at my hospital where the people seemed to be unaccepting of me. I thought about it and decided to visit that lab every day and make sure I talked to all of the people in it, so they knew that it was safe to know me and that they wouldn't catch the TG bug fro me.

Easy, made the decision. Going up the lift (elevator to you lot) on the first time I was going to do it I was shivering with nerves, I doubted that I could follow through. What if they laughed at me? What if they called me rude names? What id they were condescending? What if?

Just the same thoughts that Joanna mentioned about her life.

It was a hard walk through that door.

When I celebrated my 1st birthday every single person from that lab came to see me and kissed me and hugged me.

I doubted that they would do that.

Doubt is healthy; giving in to fear is not.

Joanna, from reading your posts etc I have no doubts that you are a very attractive young woman who should not doubt herself at all.

Hugs

Cindy

[Eva Marie]

Well really I feel like I don't have much of a choice in transitioning. Like Oriah said how would I feel if at the end of my life i never traansitioned. And i would feel awful. Without a doubt. I really cant define success but yeah i worry ill never have aanything. But thats fear. lucky.

I find myself right smack in the middle of this fear/doubt/questioning/denial thing too Joannna so you aren't alone. I am following this thread with a lot of interest to see what others have to say.