Passing, a "too good to be true" feeling

[gothique11]

I've never seemed to have any major issues with passing, even when I started going full-time last year. Sure, there were times, but as time went on by, there has been fewer and fewer times -- and now a days, I never seem to have an issue. Even my voice hasn't been an issue.

I should be happy -- well, I am, and I feel greatly blessed that I some how "pass" -- but I still have the feeling that it must be too good to be true.

I'm a confident woman, ask anyone who knows me well. I'm the one who is social, who does the daring, who stands up, and who is usually ends up the leader when we venture out.

Many of my friends, and other trans people I know have a lot of difficulty. I know so many who have it much harder than me, and, for some reason, I just go along this whole trans thing as if was a rose garden. Of course, I've had my times when things haven't been all roses. I've had my trials; I've always had.

I don't know what it is. Even after almost a year of being full-time I still get the sense I shouldn't have it so easy, yet at the same time thankful I am. I don't know what it is. I'm confident, I have high self-esteem, I'm strong -- but at the same time I can't believe it.

Maybe it's because I'm used to living such a crappy life, growing up in an abusive home doubled by abuse in the church -- and now that I am way beyond that, there's a sense that maybe I don't deserve it. Yet, I know I totally deserve all of the great things that have happened to me. It's a strange feeling.

In my own mind I know I pass better than I think I do. And for a long while, I didn't care either way -- I wasn't doing this for anyone else but myself, so passing was secondary, and still not a major concern. But strangely enough, part of me sits there and thinks, "How the %$#@ am I passing?"

I look at my own pictures, my self in the mirror, and record my own voice -- only to think that there's no way someone is going to think I'm a woman. But yet, I go out every day and I pass. I work full-time doing retail, seeing many people through out the day without one person ever thinking that there is something up. My co-workers, no issues there. Only a couple know (who are my friends) and one person, and a gay man who knows lot so trans people has just started probing and trying to see if I'm trans or not (he's not sure). I'm also quite social and never yet had an issue.

I'm not worried if someone discovers that I'm trans -- actually, I've been quite vocal about it in the past, just not so much before. Now I'm just enjoying being treated like a regular girl... it's nice. If someone asks or if it comes up, I usually mention it (unless it's a dangerous situation, of course).

I go out with other trans people from time to time, and I see what they go through. I get served differently, people treat me much nicer, and call me ma'am. The others, not so much. I get a lot of attention people, getting hit on is common for me -- so common that it has become annoying. The others, not so much.

In a strange way, I've started to find it harder and harder to relate to other trans people, yet, I can in a way. I'm not sure what it is.

And I don't know why it is so hard for me to just believe people, and accept that I pass... that I look good, my voice is great, and in so many ways, I'm a woman naturally. Even my doctor said, "Stop questioning it, Natalie, it was meant to be."

And then there's the why me -- I've had others who deal with trans people a lot, doctors, laser hair removal people, and so on, who've secretly said to me, "You know, you look great -- much better than a lot of people that come through here. And you're so well adjusted and confident, this process should be a breeze for you."

I can only think that they must tell everyone that, but they don't. I contacted a voice therapist on the phone, and confused her because she wasn't sure what I was talking about when I wanted my voice to sound more like a girl. She works with many trans people, but honestly said there's probably very little she could do for me.

I don't know what it is, and I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging. So many people tell me that I've got it great, and that I'm so lucky -- people get jealous of me, other gg girls are jealous of me in fact. Even my own girlfriend has started to become jealous.

It's a really strange feeling. I've some how been thrown on to a pedestal, when I've never been there before. There's the sense that I should be there, that I couldn't deserve it. Then the though crosses that maybe I do deserve it and people are right about me.

Anyway, sorry for my rambling. I'm just thinking out loud. I just realized that this post was longer than I expected.
Sorry about that,



--natalie


PS  My profile picture was taken June 16, just before work. Not a great picture, but for some reason I just wanted a picture where I looked less glamorous and more normal, like everyone else. And maybe that's the issue, I just want to be like everyone else, instead of feeling somewhat famous. Or maybe it's because I'm so use to being hated, and for the first time I'm being loved and accepted to such an opposite level that I've never encountered before, I'm not sure what to do about it. Perhaps, I'm stalling from being who all I can be, because it's new ground and unknown. I don't know. I just don't know.


A thought came to me as I went downstairs to get another coffee: Maybe it's because I'm so used to fighting my entire life, and now I'm not fighting so much anymore I'm unsure what to do. Although, I know that I deserve all of the great blessings I've had in this last year, it's also a foreign concept.

Maybe I'm just over thinking things too much, as usual.

[MeghanAndrews]

Hey Natalie,
I think you probably summed it up yourself. You said that you were used to fighting for things your entire life. Maybe this isn't much of a struggle for you compared to other things in your life? Coming from an abusive situation like you did, you are doing something for yourself and probably put everything you had into it. Couple that with the ability to pass and it sounds like you've carved out a life that you can really be proud of, a life that can act as a kind of catapult forward instead of a weight of memories. Meghan

[Rachael]

i totally get that.
like when im being chatted up at work (Im a bar girl) im thinking, hmm, am i passing? are they taking the mickey?, or what?

im pretty, i have a good voice, but sometimes, just sometimes, i wonder. paranoia sucks...
my life before sucked also, im sorta suspicious of the fact i have friends, and a life now, im wondering when ill wake up.

[Kate]

Oh can I ever relate... though more in terms of the acceptance I've received, than luck with passing and voice.

I've said it's like for every "barrier" of my transition, I'd hunch over and get a running start at the door ahead, bracing myself to smash through it...

Only to find someone opening the door just as I get there, handing me a glass of wine, and saying "Welcome! We've been expecting you!"

I know how to deal with rejection and anger and being told, "No!"

Acceptance and love... I just don't know how to deal with it.

~Kate~

[Rachael]

yeah, all my childhood, tricks, nasty things, and bullying, now when people are nice, its like someone reaching out to pet a dog that was abused. i shy. ive had doors opened now, when i expect to have to heave them open. boy do i get suspicious.

[SusanK]

... I should be happy -- well, I am, and I feel greatly blessed that I some how "pass" -- but I still have the feeling that it must be too good to be true...

Thanks for sharing and if it works, keep going and have a good life. Consider that you have, as they say, the luck of the draw. Give thanks you didn't wait another 20 or 30 years to transistion, or have obvious male characteristics which requires surgery (ie, money), tons of work, or simply can't get there. Many are in this group and we, or at least me, like to see younger ones transistion when they can and have a great life as they want to be. My only parting advice, is be gracious to the rest of us who didn't get the luck of the draw or waited far too long to realize ourselves.

Good luck.

--Susan--

[carol_w]

Natalie -

I watched your Youtube video last night, and there's one reason that you're passing.  You're female - pure and simple.  I've rarely seen such natural female expressions. 

I agree with your doctor - it was meant to be.

Carol

[melissa90299]

Natalie -

I watched your Youtube video last night, and there's one reason that you're passing.  You're female - pure and simple. 

Carol

As we all are. Some of us were forced to repress it and pretend to be guys for twenty or thirty or forty years though.

[gothique11]

... I should be happy -- well, I am, and I feel greatly blessed that I some how "pass" -- but I still have the feeling that it must be too good to be true...

Thanks for sharing and if it works, keep going and have a good life. Consider that you have, as they say, the luck of the draw. Give thanks you didn't wait another 20 or 30 years to transistion, or have obvious male characteristics which requires surgery (ie, money), tons of work, or simply can't get there. Many are in this group and we, or at least me, like to see younger ones transistion when they can and have a great life as they want to be. My only parting advice, is be gracious to the rest of us who didn't get the luck of the draw or waited far too long to realize ourselves.

Good luck.

--Susan--

Oh, for sure. I know how lucky I am. I know a lot of trans people locally, and some of them have to get FFS. I know it's hard for them. I feel very lucky and blessed and, really, I have no clue how I got the luck of the draw. But I'm really thankful that I don't have to go through FFS or even more years before realizing what I should do. But I don't know what to do for those that go through it, other than being a friend.

Natalie -

I watched your Youtube video last night, and there's one reason that you're passing.  You're female - pure and simple.  I've rarely seen such natural female expressions. 

I agree with your doctor - it was meant to be.

Carol

Oh, thank you. *blushes*

yeah, all my childhood, tricks, nasty things, and bullying, now when people are nice, its like someone reaching out to pet a dog that was abused. i shy. ive had doors opened now, when i expect to have to heave them open. boy do i get suspicious.

Yeah, I know the feeling. After a life of doors being slammed in your face, and after when they start opening, I do feel suspicious -- I'm not used to it. But at the same time, it makes sense. I was made fun of in school for being so effeminate; my voice was also made fun of for being at a higher-pitch than the other boys.

Hey Natalie,
I think you probably summed it up yourself. You said that you were used to fighting for things your entire life. Maybe this isn't much of a struggle for you compared to other things in your life? Coming from an abusive situation like you did, you are doing something for yourself and probably put everything you had into it. Couple that with the ability to pass and it sounds like you've carved out a life that you can really be proud of, a life that can act as a kind of catapult forward instead of a weight of memories. Meghan

I still think it's a struggle -- it's not always easy -- but maybe the difference is that I see a way out much more clearly now. And that I feel like I'm going forward. All that fighting in the past brought me to where I am today, but I don't think i saw that then... then it was more of a survival thing.

[melissa90299]

for sure. I know how lucky I am. I know a lot of trans people locally, and some of them have to get FFS. I know it's hard for them. I feel very lucky and blessed and, really, I have no clue how I got the luck of the draw. But I'm really thankful that I don't have to go through FFS or even more years before realizing what I should do. But I don't know what to do for those that go through it, other than being a friend.

I would worry about my own side of the street and not get "Co-ie" (co-dependent) about others. You were lucky to be born at the right time, trans being born now are even luckier than you. Why would you have to wait "even more years" before transitioning when the options are available now, options that were not available to older generations?

I was made fun of in school for being so effeminate; my voice was also made fun of for being at a higher-pitch than the other boys.

Transwomen who never assimilated as males have a much easier time when they transition, in your case, I would guess that you, except for down there, have never been outwardly male so you really aren't transitioning except being out about it. Those who are having a hard time now probably didn't endure the hell you already did. I guess maybe the lesson is every one has to pay their dues in one way or another.

[gothique11]

Oh can I ever relate... though more in terms of the acceptance I've received, than luck with passing and voice.

I've said it's like for every "barrier" of my transition, I'd hunch over and get a running start at the door ahead, bracing myself to smash through it...

Only to find someone opening the door just as I get there, handing me a glass of wine, and saying "Welcome! We've been expecting you!"

I know how to deal with rejection and anger and being told, "No!"

Acceptance and love... I just don't know how to deal with it.

~Kate~

Yeah, it's a strange feeling to all of a sudden have acceptance and love when you are not used to it. I have so much of love and acceptance from my friends and people around me (it's another story with my family, but they've always been like that).

I also think that I expected things to be harder and worse than they really are. I also know that's true for a few people who've I helped to come-out-of-the-trans-closet. I've gone along with several other trans people in town, bringing them to the mall and other places until they got comfortable going in public on there own. I found, in so many cases, it was never as bad as we thing it's going to be. I also live in a red-neck province, although I'm also in the city so it's a little better.

for sure. I know how lucky I am. I know a lot of trans people locally, and some of them have to get FFS. I know it's hard for them. I feel very lucky and blessed and, really, I have no clue how I got the luck of the draw. But I'm really thankful that I don't have to go through FFS or even more years before realizing what I should do. But I don't know what to do for those that go through it, other than being a friend.

I would worry about my own side of the street and not get "Co-ie" (co-dependent) about others. You were lucky to be born at the right time, trans being born now are even luckier than you. Why would you have to wait "even more years" before transitioning when the options are available now, options that were not available nto older generations?

Um... not sure if we're understanding each other. Anyway, I'm not delaying my transition -- I've been living and working full time for about a year. And my SRS should be next year this time or sooner if I'm lucky. I'm not co-dependent on anyone. I'm usually the one taking people out and helping them get through their situations.

But yeah, I do feel luck. Also, I hope that I didn't offend you or anyone else. Really, the purpose of my post wasn't to brag or put myself over everyone else. I'm sorry if my post came across that way. I just wanted to share how I was feeling. I didn't want to make people angry at me.

[karmatic1110]

I'm sorry if my post came across that way. I just wanted to share how I was feeling. I didn't want to make people angry at me.

I love posts like these, as they give hope to people who are just starting out.  I think that posts of negative experiences are just as valuable and both serve to balance one's perspective at the onset of transition.

Also, I am in your age bracket (27) so I can identify much more, I believe than with someone whom is 10 years one way or the other.  Thank you for posting as it changed my mood quite a bit today

Charlotte 

[melissa90299]

You said you were lucky to not to have to "wait even more years" What I don't understand is why would you have to wait "even more years?" Why would anyone?

But yeah, I do feel luck. Also, I hope that I didn't offend you or anyone else. Really, the purpose of my post wasn't to brag or put myself over everyone else. I'm sorry if my post came across that way. I just wanted to share how I was feeling. I didn't want to make people angry at me.

I don't think anyone is angry at you. I was just pointing out that transitioning is a thousand times easier for everyone now than it was even ten, twenty, thirty years ago. If anything does irk me about younger TSs is that few of them (not you necessarily) realize what struggles their predecessors went through and that without those courageous pioneers, they would not have the options available today.

And I have yet to see a young transitioner pay homage to those brave women who forged the path that they now take advantage of.`

[gothique11]

I'm sorry if my post came across that way. I just wanted to share how I was feeling. I didn't want to make people angry at me.

I love posts like these, as they give hope to people who are just starting out.  I think that posts of negative experiences are just as valuable and both serve to balance one's perspective at the onset of transition.

Also, I am in your age bracket (27) so I can identify much more, I believe than with someone whom is 10 years one way or the other.  Thank you for posting as it changed my mood quite a bit today

Charlotte 

Good luck to you Charlotte -- I know you'll do well. Believe in yourself!

[Laura Eva B]

You said you were lucky to not to have to "wait even more years" What I don't understand is why would you have to wait "even more years?" Why would anyone?

I don't think anyone is angry at you. I was just pointing out that transitioning is a thousand times easier for everyone now than it was even ten, twenty, thirty years ago. If anything does irk me about younger TSs is that few of them (not you necessarily) realize what struggles their predecessors went through and that without those courageous pioneers, they would not have the options available today.

For once Melissa I half agree with you !

But "coming out" to parents, friends and peers is still a terrifying thing to do, especially when you're young, and have no confience in yourself, and feel negative self worth ... the world may be more accepting, but it doesn't make that huge hurdle seem any less daunting ?

I respect the pioneers because they forced the medical profession to take note and treat us seriously. 

But the real progress in public acceptance has been forged by much younger transsexuals who've courted the media and "women's glossies" with huge positive response, here in Europe notably "Dana International" Eurovision song contest winner, and more recently still "Nadia" who won the UK "Big Brother" show and was voted "woman of the year" by the leading 20-something's women's mag on a readership poll ! 

What more acceptance do we need certainly among the younger female generation, and even many younger guys seem to be cool with the idea ....

But the support I fear is conditional on the youth and attractiveness of the TS woman even if she is "read" .... obvious "guys in frocks" will always be derided.

I really do envy the likes of Natalie and Charlotte for being born into the right generation.  Many of us who are nearer to our pension and bus-passes than our university days have a harder time. 

But like Natalie I feel I've had a "charmed transition", and like her do offer one to one help and support to local trans-women as I feel a real obligation to do it to "appease the gods" for my own good fortune.

I really can't fathom why I've had such an easy time despite being close to clocking up a half century ?

Its often a real struggle to to get out of my apartment to catch the bus and train to work, as my mirror reflection still screams back at me "100% guy".  Only once I'm on crowded public transport do I calm down and think "well, why isn't everybody staring at me ?".

Illogical absolutely as I've never felt I've been "clocked" even once post transition (but it must have happened), let alone stared at, laughed at, insulted, or called anything other than "miss, madam, love, dear, and even young lady (!)" .... and in real life I do have absolute confience.

But I still look at my photos and plan out what facial surgeries I need !

My most recent pic ... horrid as it reads so "male" to me ...



Yes "too good to be true" troubles me and I'm kind of still waiting for that confidence shattering experience  .

Laura x

[Suzie]

Natalie -

I watched your Youtube video last night, and there's one reason that you're passing.  You're female - pure and simple.  I've rarely seen such natural female expressions. 

Can I get the link?  Sorry if I am blind and its already been posted but could someone post it again?

I hope I have as good of luck as you, Natalie. 

I'm just starting out myself and so far so good, passing hasn't been a problem for the most part...as far as I know.  Maybe people are just too nice not to say anything or (more likely) too self-absorbed to care.  I get way more glances dressed in guy mode than in Suzie mode. 

Suzie

[Shana A]

My most recent pic ... horrid as it reads so "male" to me ...

Laura, you look great!

While I don't think it's easy for anyone, there's been more awareness of transgender in recent years, I think people coming out now might have an easier time of it than some of us dinosaurs (I'm 51) I came out in 1993 in a rural area, I was hungry for the small hand full of books that were available then, and no internet  I had to drive over a couple of hours each way for the closest support group.

zythyra