The Dysphoria, and how to deal with it...

[WFane]

I have what I've been told is the perfect model of a male body. Being told that really makes things hard on me. It makes me feel like what I'm doing the world a disservice by doing this for myself. I feel selfish. I keep getting told "But you're so... perfect. Why would you want to throw all that away? There's people out there killing themselves to look like you! You want to attach boobs to that, remove the most important part of it, and dress it in women's clothes? You're taking a perfect example of a human being and turning it into a freak show!"

Honestly, I think I dress pretty conservative. I wear boot cut jeans, and female seamed black polos while I'm at work. At home, I'll wear a flowy black maxi skirt, and a black v-neck or scoop neck t-shirt. I have heals, but I'm aware of my 6'3" height, so I don't wear them out of the house. I have pretty bland sandles, a set of Chuck Taylors, and some riding boots. I will probably never wear a mini skirt, or anything above a midi skirt. I probably won't wear shorts that don't cover most of my lower thigh. I wear a necklace sometimes, and I wear a dark gray scrunchy to tie my long black hair in a bun. I like being Plain Jane, and these people are all under the impression that I hang out dressed up like a hooker, stalking guys and tricking them into submission so I can have my way with them as the sexual predator that most MtFs on Jerry Springer come off as.

The reality is that I have a wife and a 9 month old. I just want to present female, and move on with my life in no more of a glamorous way than I do when I present male.

How do I deal with these people? How do I deal with the feeling that I'm letting everyone that thinks they love me down. What am I gonna do when these people won't associate with me because they are so obsessed with the image of me that they have in their heads? Why do I care so much about what other people think to the point where I sacrafice myself for their comfort? I know I'm never gonna see any of that attitude in return, so just... why?

These are questions that lead me down a pretty dark path, and I want them to go away... I've read a lot of your posts, and I can relate to what a surprising number of you are going through... I just don't know how to put myself first. How do you do it?

[Jamie D]

There are many ways of coping with dysphoria.  Sometimes you hit on them by trial and error.  Other times they can be developed in therapy sessions.  You don't have to modify your body with surgery or hormones, if that makes you uncomfortable.

[mrs izzy]

The reality is that I have a wife and a 9 month old. I just want to present female, and move on with my life in no more of a glamorous way than I do when I present male.

How do I deal with these people? How do I deal with the feeling that I'm letting everyone that thinks they love me down. What am I gonna do when these people won't associate with me because they are so obsessed with the image of me that they have in their heads? Why do I care so much about what other people think to the point where I sacrafice myself for their comfort? I know I'm never gonna see any of that attitude in return, so just... why?

I am not of all knowing but after many years i have come to understand one important thing. I owe no one anything more then what i get in return. Why does everyone expect us to do there bidding but do not have the common respect for how we feel. I know its hard for sure. People in general are more worried about there own image and what others will think of them over how they care about you as a friend or family. Its sad but for me i just walked away, if i was not good enough as a person to be around then i would not subject myself to the extra stress.

I wish you all the best going forward. Keep sight of who you are inside and hold that close.

Izzy

[sushitime]

Having a wife and child certainly complicate things a little, there are probably others who can offer some reasonable advice, but I'm not sure that I can.

Regarding everyone else: why do they care so much what you look like? Are they attached to what you look like or to your personality? True friends shouldn't care if you change your body in order for you to feel better about yourself. If most or all of your friends are only friends with you because of how you look then maybe it's time to make some new friends.

[WFane]

I absolutely love my wife and son, and they love me too. They're probably the only people besides the other couple we live with that support me in this 100%

[Assoluta]

When I transitioned I had no partner or child, so I can't imagine how many times more difficult that makes things, but what I do know is this, if being female really is truly who you are, that has to be the most important. While people may think of it as selfish for you to transitioning, this sentiment is itself selfish as they are not considering your feelings. One could say you could sacrifice your feelings for the sake of your family, but if that means living as a shadow of yourself with the people you care about most, is that really for their greater good?

[suzifrommd]

How do I deal with the feeling that I'm letting everyone that thinks they love me down.

I realized I'd be no good to anyone, my children, my wife, my friends, no one, if I were constantly battling expectations that I be someone I'm not.

I feel for you. This is a difficult situation to be in. We are here for you.

[WFane]

That whole thing where I think of myself before everyone else is something I really need to get the hang of. I feel so selfish when I do, and I have a really hard time understanding how others can be in such a "What do I want, how can I get it?" state of mind. I prefer a "What do I want, how can I get it without messing with anyone else's day?"

[pebbles]

It's not about that, I once saw one of our FTM members pre-transition photos whom I was friendly with, and I did think "That is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." I turned green with envy and pink with lust... As a guy they weren't nearly as impressive physically, They were a Short Twink boy. But they were undoubtedly happier with themselves.

Which caused me to think. "Aww why can't we have a happy beautiful woman?" Of course that's not a valid choice, The choice was for them
1: Eye Candy.
Or
2: Happiness.

Not even a difficult choice if you care about a person, because to suggest choice 2 is *incredibly* selfish.
If someone guilt trips you about it "Oh but your so beautiful as a man." they either don't understand how much it's hurting you, or are putting there own personal desires ahead of your well begin.

[suzifrommd]

If someone guilt trips you about it "Oh but your so beautiful as a man." they either don't understand how much it's hurting you, or are putting there own personal desires ahead of your well begin.

True that. I was a good looking guy. I'm now a rather plain looking woman. But much more comfortable with myself.

If someone came at me with that one, I'd remind them that there are more important things than looks.

[JoanneB]

How do I deal with these people? How do I deal with the feeling that I'm letting everyone that thinks they love me down. What am I gonna do when these people won't associate with me because they are so obsessed with the image of me that they have in their heads? Why do I care so much about what other people think to the point where I sacrafice myself for their comfort? I know I'm never gonna see any of that attitude in return, so just... why?

And you know this to be the truth how?

As a lifelong member of the "I got to do what's expected of me and a male" club I made some pretty dumb assumptions over those 50 years. That being one of them.

It is not clear from your post whether your wife is aware of your T nature. It reads to me that the answer is No, she doesn't, because of your conclusion that no one will make any allowances for your sacrifices. If a non-accepting wife is the case, the odds are pretty good that she may never change her attitude. Especially with a "I got to protect my child...." program running her her head.

A child certainly complicates matters greatly. My wife knew from about day1 about my "Hobby". At that time some 30 years ago I had given up on any dream of transitioning to full-time after twice testing the waters. My need to escape maleness and cross-dress was most times adequately satisfied once a month. Though my wife was understanding, I know it still greatly effected her. Over time, for her and life being made more and more complicated as I tried to stuff deeper and deeper my TGness the dressing stopped. Even though there were many times my wife asked "Why don't you...?" to practically telling me "I should take a day off this weekend and....".

She sensed what was happening to me long before I realized it myself. Eventually a few years ago, I realized also. I had no life, no soul, no passion, no joys, no dreams. I was just a machine that woke up each day, worked, got hot eat sleep, rinse, and repeat; ad nausium.

I learned early in life that there are always going to be people out there that don't like you, pick on you, tease you, whatever, simply because they feel they can because you are somehow a little different then they are. In my case it had nothing at all about being girlie or trans.

I learned much later in life the pure joy of being out in the real world as the real me. For once, being happy to be me. To be in this body. To finally feel like a real person. I also learned that the world is far more accepting than I gave it credit for. I especially learned that my wife, over time, has not only become more accepting but is my number one ally. She doesn't want to see me slip back into being that wretch of a person I was, perhaps even more so than I do.

Like you I have plenty of responsibilities I need to honor. They involve making choices. Everything you do in life comes at a cost. I learned the painful cost of putting my true self aside for what I thought others may think of me.

[Jess42]

I absolutely love my wife and son, and they love me too. They're probably the only people besides the other couple we live with that support me in this 100%

There you go WFane. No one else and what they think should matter. You are an adult and capable of living your life in a way that makes you happy. It's good that your wife supports you but even if not, sometimes we have to do for ourselves and stop sacrificing so much for others.