Feeling like a Male, a Female & in between problems, Please help!

[Shana-chan]

So for those who don't know me (As I'm still new here) I feel like a male at times and a female at other times and at other times in between and because of this I am now having problems but before that let me explain something here. I have Autism (But please don't treat me differently because of that) and as a result my mind has developed much slower than most humans do. So when I was a teen my mind was still a child's mind with a little teen in me and now I am an adult (In my 20's) and have a Teen's mind but also some of an adult's mind. I throughout the day switch between the 3 genders which makes it VERY hard on me. When I'm alone and no one is around I usually feel female or in between while recently more male feeling than usual I think which is getting me very down and depressed. (Switching to a male and feeling male) Though when I'm online it's the same as when I'm alone however, what's been getting to me lately is whenever I'm around anyone, I almost always feel male. Tbh I prefer to feel female and when I was a teen (Again had a kid's mind and some teen at that point) I watched a movie or a documentary on this parent's child (Maybe around 5-7 yo) and he was really a she. It really upset me how they couldn't see that by forcing her to wear cloths it was hurting her. I could really understand and sympathize with her, this was WAY before I realized I was switching genders. (Only realized last Fall) Anyway I've always liked female things and am a lot like a female in a lot of ways. So I don't believe I'm confused here or whatever but I want to hear what ya'll think on this? What I also really and I mean REALLY need help on is knowing if when I feel like a male when I'm around people is normal or not? I mean it's REALLY RARE for me to even FEEL/be female around people. I mean I even feel this way when I'm talking to my sis who knows my sitch and how I feel. If it's a defense mechanizem then I don't know why I'm doing it with her. The moment I call someone BANG! Male feeling hello! -_- Really this has me very worried and concerned. I don't want to FEEL this way. (I wish I could cry just a bit right now) I want to feel, look and BE female but thanks to the switching and thanks to me feeling male when I'm around someone (Even on the phone but not online in text form) it's got me so confused, down and depressed. Why is this happening? Is this happening to others here? Please! I need help here and sadly, at this point I am unable to see a Therapist or *Shudder* a psychiatrist. If there's a way to control the switching, please tell me. I just don't know what to do... If anyone has any questions, ask and I'll answer them if I can.

[Danielle Emmalee]

Sorry I missed reading the part about your sister already knowing.  Do you talk to her about it at all?  Do you feel comfortable in acting like a girl around her? 

[Emily Aster]

I'm almost 40 and not autistic and have been having exactly the same feelings my whole life. It's escalated recently since I'm finally in a position to make the change and I'm terrified of making the wrong decision. You sound completely normal to me.

For me, I think it's a comfort zone thing. I also instantly go to male mode around people that don't know and after a bit of time in that situation, start to get depressed about not transitioning, but keep it to myself. When I'm around people who do know (like your sister in your case), I don't have that instant change back to male mode, although I do still experience the depression around them because most of the time I'm still in male mode when I'm around them.

[Shana-chan]

It may be that you are just so used to trying so hard to be a boy around others that its just natural to revert to that when you are around others now.  I have felt the same way to be honest.  One thing that made me able to feel like a girl around others is talking about it with someone who accepts it, that's probably why you feel female while you are online because you have been talking to people about it and they have been accepting of it.  I can't speak for others if this is common or not.  I know it is hard to talk to people about it in person and hard to know who you can talk to but I'm afraid that's the only solution I have found.  The thing about me is I used to hate feeling like a boy, I did not want it, I wanted to be a girl.  I've learned to accept my male self as well as my female self and its made things a lot easier and now I just feel like me all the time, neither boy or girl, just me.

No I didn't even realize how I was feeling till last year, this means while I knew my body was male I didn't even know how I felt here. It doesn't help I was LITTERALLY cut off from society with NO computer or cell phone for half my life (And family was hardly around either) and the few friends I had I lost due to various circumstances and even then I didn't get to see or talk to them much. Back then I think I was mainly in between with how I felt. I do know I switched at times but it was mainly in between I think. I really didn't care what people thought of me back then. (Wish that was still the case) As for online. Actually other then 2 people (and family who I hardly ever speak to online), I've always kept my gender hidden online. Most thought I was a female while some thought male. I let them decide and call me whatever they thought I was which recently it got to me a bit when a friend called me a he. Tbh other than this form and 1 other forum like this, I've never been THIS open let alone talk about my problem here. So I know what you said can't be the case for me here.

Sorry I missed reading the part about your sister already knowing.  Do you talk to her about it at all?  Do you feel comfortable in acting like a girl around her?

I have a couple of times though she isn't going though what I'm going through so there's nothing she can do and it's not about "acting" it's about "feeling." I am me. I don't think I act too differently in any of the 3 states but I sure FEEL different which is the problem here.

[Shana-chan]

Unfortunately I don't really understand. (Maybe that's because of my Autism) Like I said I've always acted the same way no matter what way I was feeling. I use the word cute, I giggle in a way which I think a female does though my voice sadly doesn't sound female to others but usually does to me. (I swear that is NOT my voice on the machine!) I like to do female things etc. and I now wear nail polish out in the open whenever I wear it and also now wear my bra out in public too. (Would like to wear female cloths only out in public and ditch the male ones but due to circumstances I don't think I can atm...) So if I tried acting more female, I'd just be forcing it since I really don't know how to. I am me, always have been. Like I said it's about switching between the 3, feeling the 3 genders (More so for the feeling male) and, also about how I always switch to and feel male when I am around/talking to people. I have no clue why I do that. It gets to me and saddens me. And please don't say that. I am thankful for any and all help ya'll can give me. So thank you to both of you. Tbh I have wondered if I was to wear my female cloths out in public and come out with it, would anything change or would it be the same? Sadly I don't know and atm, I doubt I can do this...

[Shana-chan]

I'm really not sure then, if you think it might be a comfort thing, it may just get better with time.  I don't know if anyone will have an answer for you, it may be within yourself.  I know you said its not an option for you right now, but therapy might be the thing you need to help you along in this regard.  Try your best to hang in there, try to just relax and be yourself and get comfortable with your feelings and thoughts, that's about all you can do I think.  It would be interesting to know if you met up with someone you met online (not saying this is what to do, I'll let you decide that on your own but always be safe) and wore female clothes if you would feel female around them.  It may just be the voice and clothing thing, you hear your voice and think, thats a male voice, and you see your clothess and think, these are mens clothes and it just puts that male feeling in your mind.

I don't think it's the voice or clothing but I could be wrong and I'll try and hang in there but I may be getting a job soon (First one ever) so the way I feel now, I am thinking is going to get a lot worse since I'll have to wear male cloths, keep presenting as a male and be called a male. It's hard enough when family and friends do it, including when I do it. -_- But sadly therapy might have to wait for 1-2 months if not more, which, worries me... I'd like to come out with it but people like us don't usually get a job and due to my Dad helping me and having some control over my life (Long story short late start at life), that's why I think I have no other choice but to keep this from my Dad and keep presenting as male. (I know he wouldn't believe me either and I have no idea what he'd do or how he'd react if he knew) There's a good chance that tomorrow (Wed) I'll be going shopping for ugh "male" interview cloths so I can hopefully get a job and that's got me a bit down.

[Emily Aster]

I don't know what part of the world you're in, but depending on the job, you'd be surprised at how much free expression you can do with clothing, even as a guy. In the states, office jobs are pretty lenient, although there are different dress codes for men and women still. As long as you can stick to long pants and shirts that cover your chest, you should still be able to have a bit of play with the colors and styles of those items and still fall within the male dress code.

If you manage to get into an industry that supports the LGBT community, they are much less likely to be even that restrictive, i.e. you may be able to get away with dresses and skirts without being on a RLE. I'm a contractor, so I've been in lots of different work environments and working for a non-profit focused on helping the LGBT community, I saw one of the most relaxed dress codes ever. If I had been ready for a transition at that time, I would have felt completely comfortable doing an on the job transition with them.

[Natkat]

So for those who don't know me (As I'm still new here) I feel like a male at times and a female at other times and at other times in between and because of this I am now having problems but before that let me explain something here. I have Autism (But please don't treat me differently because of that) and as a result my mind has developed much slower than most humans do. So when I was a teen my mind was still a child's mind with a little teen in me and now I am an adult (In my 20's) and have a Teen's mind but also some of an adult's mind. I throughout the day switch between the 3 genders which makes it VERY hard on me. When I'm alone and no one is around I usually feel female or in between while recently more male feeling than usual I think which is getting me very down and depressed. (Switching to a male and feeling male) Though when I'm online it's the same as when I'm alone however, what's been getting to me lately is whenever I'm around anyone, I almost always feel male. Tbh I prefer to feel female and when I was a teen (Again had a kid's mind and some teen at that point) I watched a movie or a documentary on this parent's child (Maybe around 5-7 yo) and he was really a she. It really upset me how they couldn't see that by forcing her to wear cloths it was hurting her. I could really understand and sympathize with her, this was WAY before I realized I was switching genders. (Only realized last Fall) Anyway I've always liked female things and am a lot like a female in a lot of ways. So I don't believe I'm confused here or whatever but I want to hear what ya'll think on this? What I also really and I mean REALLY need help on is knowing if when I feel like a male when I'm around people is normal or not? I mean it's REALLY RARE for me to even FEEL/be female around people. I mean I even feel this way when I'm talking to my sis who knows my sitch and how I feel. If it's a defense mechanizem then I don't know why I'm doing it with her. The moment I call someone BANG! Male feeling hello! -_- Really this has me very worried and concerned. I don't want to FEEL this way. (I wish I could cry just a bit right now) I want to feel, look and BE female but thanks to the switching and thanks to me feeling male when I'm around someone (Even on the phone but not online in text form) it's got me so confused, down and depressed. Why is this happening? Is this happening to others here? Please! I need help here and sadly, at this point I am unable to see a Therapist or *Shudder* a psychiatrist. If there's a way to control the switching, please tell me. I just don't know what to do... If anyone has any questions, ask and I'll answer them if I can.

Normal is a strange world?
what is normal? I belive the urge for everyone to be normal is pretty abnormal.
I belive theres many of the androgyne forum who have simular fellings as you so maybe try make a post there.
for advice I wonder if you have someone you trust, I won't recomend you to come on your job currently, but someone outside job or your dads connection, maybe a friend from a previous school you still got contact with?

I think its good that someone is having your back to suport you and you can just be yourself.

[Stella Stanhope]

Heya!  I'm twenty sommat too, and have exactly the same sort of gender conflicts as you seem to;

feeling male and needing to be as masculine as possible around people and then reverting back to a more androgynous feeling when I'm alone, and when I'm really feeling alone and feel safe, then I really feel feminine.

Very well could be a self-acceptance issue and my needing to strip away all the masculine persona to be myself, or perhaps the "femininity" is just my escapism. Hard to work out which isn't it?

Plus I also feel like a teen too. I'm a responsible adult etc socialize well (I actually deal much better with people older than me, always have). My personality is rather old-fashioned and older than my years, but inside there's strange feeling of stunted youth(?), a youth that never happened? No idea. I also feel like I haven't caught up yet age wise in my head with my age.... there's a lag I can feel but can't pinpoint. Sometimes feels like I'm forever stuck in puberty, a sense that there's still things to come. Things made sense before puberty, since puberty I seem to get ever more confused, anxious and generally just don't understand what I am supposed to feel and what I am supposed to be.

Do you have the same thing?

[Edge]

or *Shudder* a psychiatrist.

Hahaha! You too huh? (Disclaimer: I'm laughing at psychiatry and it's failings.)

I used to feel like I switched (except I prefer male), but I wrote down what I felt and thought about my gender every day and it helped me sort out how I really feel. Of course, some people really do switch and that's fine as well. It's interesting that socialization tends to trigger feeling male in you. Sorry I don't have any ideas why it happens in that specific situation.
Sorry I'm pretty useless here.

[Shana-chan]

@Kat: I agree, normal IS a strange world since imo NO ONE is really and truly normal. Shame others don't see what we do.

It's either my Dad or no one except my sis and there's not much she can do but listen to me, which will only help so much. Sadly my Dad has a LOT of control over my left atm due to me getting a late start in life so, want to talk to him but not sure if it's such a good idea or not...

Oh and thanks, I'll try that area too then.

@dress: I REALLY don't care to be manly at all, never have but sadly, I'm thinking it might be some form of a defense mechanism. (I know it is in some cases) For me I think it's because I really am male and female, might even been born intersex which would further explain it all. Even still I prefer to be and feel female.

I have Autism, from what you described to me you might also have Autism.

@Edge: For me I can say without a doubt I am switching and yeah, it is odd how when I talk to someone in person or on the phone I feel male usually but I could be out in public, walking with LOTS of people and still feel female or in between without my male side taking over. So I at least have a better understanding what's going on/triggering it, just don't know for sure as to why. :/

[Rachel]

Shana-chan, I am 51 and started transition so I think you are way ahead of me in learning to learn about your self. You have a lot to look forward to. It may be a very useful tool to make a diary and put in it your feelings and when you feel a certain way and the circumstances. This will be a great tool for when you do get to see a therapist and in this way you will be making great use of the time until you can see the therapist.

[Jess42]

Why shudder when it come to a Psychiatrist? Yeah they are a little more expensive but they can also write prescriptions where a plain ol' therapist can't. They may also be able to get the ball rolling faster too since they in fact are MDs.

[Shana-chan]

@Cynthia: That's a beautiful name you got there. Thank you for the idea. When I was still growing up I actually had a diary but eventually realized I wasn't going to read it hardly at all if at ever so decided to stop and threw it away but this idea is really good. It has benefit to it so it's worth it and I might just do it plus it should help some with anger, stress etc. Again thank you.

@Jess and anyone wanting to know why I shuddered at the thought of a psychiatrist: The reason is I had to see a few when I was growing up, thanks to my Autism that is. Because Autism was harder to diagnose back then it took a few years before they finally realized what I have. All the while forcing me to take pills for the wrong thing such as riddling. Why forced? Because the school required me to take it or I couldn't keep going to school. (That isn't right imo) None of the medicine worked naturally and only made things worse. (I tried to tell them!) Out of the countless Psychiatrists that I saw (Countless because I don't remember the exact number) only 1 or "maybe" 2 even cared about me. The rest just treated me and made me feel as if I was a mental patient and they didn't really care. I don't know how to describe how they made me feel but I grew to dislike even the thought going to a psychiatrist because they didn't care and weren't helping. The last one I saw did care some I think but the one before her didn't care, from what I remember he's the one who diagnosed me as having Autism so he did help there but thanks to him prescribing me meds which he didn't warn could make you eat like CRAZY nor did the label or anyone/thing, I ended up getting fat! (It was also my fault since I'd stopped exercising and going to school because of bullying and fearing for my life) Still I don't believe or at least think I'd have gotten as fat as I did and I might not have gotten these *Sigh* stretch marks if it hadn't been for him doing that to me and he only told us when my Mama asked him if my HUGHLY increased appetite was because of the medicine or not. -_- The good news is that I no longer need medicine (Been off it for years after it started doing the reverse of helping me and switching to something else which later did the same thing) and while my body is less big I'm close to being at normal weight instead of over weight but the bad news is I still have these stretch marks and my body STILL looks fat! (Though a LOT less fat) I was told unless I have plastic surgery these stretch marks will never go away. *Sigh* Plus Psychiatrists like to play mind games with you which I don't like.

So now you know why I dislike and shudder at the thought of a Psychiatrist. The 1 Therapist I saw actually cared and helped but that was when I was a kid and no idea why I didn't go back to her.

[Yuki-jker86]

I think there is this common thing that when we are around certain people, we revert to a certain way of being.  like if you meet a childhood friend, you suddenly feel like a child again.
so it seems sensible to me that being around people, might trigger your switching to 'guy mode'.
what this could be is a very sophisticated mask.  you focus on various parts of yourself and channel your energy through those parts.

[Keira]

So for those who don't know me (As I'm still new here) I feel like a male at times and a female at other times and at other times in between and because of this I am now having problems but before that let me explain something here. I have Autism (But please don't treat me differently because of that) and as a result my mind has developed much slower than most humans do. So when I was a teen my mind was still a child's mind with a little teen in me and now I am an adult (In my 20's) and have a Teen's mind but also some of an adult's mind. I throughout the day switch between the 3 genders which makes it VERY hard on me. When I'm alone and no one is around I usually feel female or in between while recently more male feeling than usual I think which is getting me very down and depressed. (Switching to a male and feeling male) Though when I'm online it's the same as when I'm alone however, what's been getting to me lately is whenever I'm around anyone, I almost always feel male. Tbh I prefer to feel female and when I was a teen (Again had a kid's mind and some teen at that point) I watched a movie or a documentary on this parent's child (Maybe around 5-7 yo) and he was really a she. It really upset me how they couldn't see that by forcing her to wear cloths it was hurting her. I could really understand and sympathize with her, this was WAY before I realized I was switching genders. (Only realized last Fall) Anyway I've always liked female things and am a lot like a female in a lot of ways. So I don't believe I'm confused here or whatever but I want to hear what ya'll think on this? What I also really and I mean REALLY need help on is knowing if when I feel like a male when I'm around people is normal or not? I mean it's REALLY RARE for me to even FEEL/be female around people. I mean I even feel this way when I'm talking to my sis who knows my sitch and how I feel. If it's a defense mechanizem then I don't know why I'm doing it with her. The moment I call someone BANG! Male feeling hello! -_- Really this has me very worried and concerned. I don't want to FEEL this way. (I wish I could cry just a bit right now) I want to feel, look and BE female but thanks to the switching and thanks to me feeling male when I'm around someone (Even on the phone but not online in text form) it's got me so confused, down and depressed. Why is this happening? Is this happening to others here? Please! I need help here and sadly, at this point I am unable to see a Therapist or *Shudder* a psychiatrist. If there's a way to control the switching, please tell me. I just don't know what to do... If anyone has any questions, ask and I'll answer them if I can.

I know that there are people who are genuinely bigender and trigender, so you could be either of those or possibly gender fluid. I know how you feel, I've gone through something similar. Last august I identified as bigender and switched between feeling male and female; in my case, I figured out that this was my defense mechanism. When I came out to my parents as transgender I started feeling a lot more female, and I waited for it to stop, and waited, and it didn't. I have actually heard another trans woman who went through this as well, it seems to be somewhat common. Some people really are genderfluid/bigender/trigender, and some of us have this weird defense mechanism that hides who we are and how we feel.

Some bigender people can control the switching, and some can't. That just seems to be how it is with different people's experience of having multiple genders.

You're not crazy ,

-Skye

[Jess42]

Yeah, Shana-chan, I can see why you would be a little apprehensive about going to a psychiatrist.

[Shana-chan]

Thanks all. I've been able to control the gender switching some but it is still hard to do at times, especially if I'm down or whatever the emotion is which best I can describe as, don't care though there are times when I just can't switch my gender. Really if I could do away with this male side of me and in between side and only have my female self left I would. It's like there's two of me at times and at times they combine into one being neither male or female and the result is very hard on me. Makes me want to do what Piccolo from DBZ did and spilt my male and female self into 2 separate bodies. ^_^; (Though this "me" would be the female side of me) Really I just want to be female and I have almost zero attachment to this male body other than curiosity for how it'd feel to do it with this male body. Really thanks for all the help.

I've noticed at times it really is because of a defense mechanism where as other times (I think mainly by myself) it isn't a defense mechanism but I don't like feeling male or in between but especially not male. I don't feel happy and it bugs me when that happens. Feeling female feels SOO much better and makes me happy. Me being female just feels right and more natural for me. I hope to be on estrogen and I "hope" it does away with this male side and in between side. I don't know if it's because of my testosterone lv increasing and matching the estrogen lv or if it's really my "soul" that makes me switch genders but I do know my testosterone is within range but still close to low and either way I prefer to be a girl.

[Yuki-jker86]

well if you feel happy when you feel like a girl, then that is perhaps the best thing
I think that is pretty much how I feel.