turning your back on who you used to be?

[MrJ]

This came up in another thread and so as not to derail that thread, here's a new thread.

This is what I posted while trying to figure out my gender identity.

"maybe the femaleness I feel is just the residue of being brought up female? Do other trans guys feel this? I went through a stage in adolescence where I tried as hard as I could to squash my maleness and be female. Wore dresses, makeup, hair, etc. But it felt like putting on a costume and acting a part.

So now I'm more confused as ever as to why I feel I have a female part. Do I really feel that? It's like I don't want to turn my back on who I used to be. Does anyone else feel this?"

I still feel as though I identify as FTM because I want to be seen as male. I just feel - not bio male, I guess. Maybe I just feel "transgender" and the me I used to be is just a part of being trans?

[CursedFireDean]

I feel the exact same way, but I've never could put it into words before. I'm so bad at explaining and I think you summed it up pretty well. Being trans is, to me, an important part of who I am. I'm not just a guy, I'm an FTM guy.

[Simon]

I was raised by parents who bought me gender neutral or boys toys. The only time I was required to be feminine was wearing a skirt to Church (as a Southern Baptist the Church didn't believe people FAAB should wear pants  ). I never wore makeup, never had a slumber party, or any sorta stereotypical female activities.

That being said, I apparently do have some sort of "feminine residue" (I know I make it sound icky but I don't mean it in a bad way necessarily) leftover. It has come up in the past when a coworker or female acquaintance uses me as a shoulder to cry on. I get the "you're so sweet" or "you're so understanding" thing directed at me.

I think it's almost impossible to get rid of every aspect of our former selves. I don't think it's a bad thing at all. We have a unique perspective on life. Out of the billions of people on this earth we are a teeny tiny minority. We know what it's like being treated as females and males by cis society. Why wouldn't we want to keep that with us and use it as an asset?

I am binary but I look at it like this. We are who we are on the inside. That has grown with this process but deep down we are the same individuals we have always been. I never feel like I have lost myself by transitioning. I'm just changing my shell to reflect who I see myself as, that's all. You should never feel like you have to give up any aspect of who you are because you're medically transitioning.

[Soren]

I get the "you're so sweet" or "you're so understanding" thing directed at me.

Lucky. All I ever get is "you're an a**hole".
They aren't wrong, but...


I went though the makeup/hair thing too, but to be fair, I was experimenting with a goth aesthetic, where everyone wore makeup and did their hair.
I do usually dress in drag on Halloween though. What can I say? Wearing a skirt made of 20 yards of fabric makes me feel a bit more...extravagant, even if it's cheap-o fabric.

I will say this- depending on the sub/culture there are cis men that wear their hair down to their butt, that wear skirts and dresses, and makeup, and paint their nails. And they identify as male. Hell, a lot of them are straight as well. In some parts, these things aren't even considered feminine. It all depends on where you're at. ... I don't even know what my point was supposed to be. Have fun reading my ramblings.

[Adam (birkin)]

I have a similar feeling, but for me, it's just a lot of insecurity in myself as a man. Not that I don't feel entirely male, but that I don't feel like I am good enough as a man. I don't have the same confidence and certainty that many cis men have in themselves as male. And it sucks. I sort of feel like a nothing to be honest. Not male, not female.

[Arch]

Considering that my former "self" wasn't who I really was, I don't feel any allegiance to it at all. I spent too much time being unhappy or trying to squash my unhappiness or crawling into my head and becoming who I felt I really was. It's not that my past was all bad--far from it--but, to quote from Phantom of the Paradise, "I was not myself last night." I am so glad to leave it all behind, and I neither need nor want any reminders of it.

I do get hung up on it, of course, and I do refer to my past with certain individuals. But I hope that my hangups will pass (haha) after bottom surgery in a few years, and I expect that open references will become less and less frequent. I have a tendency to hang onto things, and that habit does not serve me well in this one respect.

[Edge]

I'm guess I'm kind of odd in that I pretty much who I was a kid except with more experiences. There's no way I'm turning my back on who I am. I like myself way too much to even consider doing that.
That said, there is a period in my life where I feel I lost sight of myself and suffered. I turn my back on that.

[geek]

I too think im exactly the same, i just have a more dreamy looking shell to carry my same self around in :p

[BeefxCake]

im still really early in all this. and i for no reason want to change who i am personality wise, maybe be a bit more confident with myself but besides that, i don't consider myself leaving my old self behind. like right now, i feel if i were to transition i would just be finishing up puberty. like it was supposed to happen sometime or another, somewhere along the lines i was supposed to be male. but i never knew when point a would connect with point b. i don't know if that makes any sense, it did in my head.

but right now, i find it the hardest as i try to come to terms with myself. that i am uncomfortable with my gender yet when i hang out with my friends mim always whippin out girly comments. like, "oh he's cute" just out of reaction because i put up the facade so long. i say he's cute when in my head im screaming, i want to be him, i want his body for myself..the jealousy i have for men is gross XD and im trying to warm up to a point where i can eventually tell my closest friends, but slipping like that doesn't help my case at all -.- to be one minute ogling at men with them all then the next be like, oh hey by the way im trans. i don't know if they would take me seriously because of who i am around them...

im sorry im ranting at 1 in the morning, just ignore my mumbling..

[Arch]

I often don't feel 100% authentically male, but that doesn't mean I feel female. I have body parts that are fairly typical for female...but my body is not my personality or character or identity.

I don't really divide up my characteristics into male and female because those are just roles, expectations, and stereotypes. My upbringing did predispose me to have certain characteristics, but some cis men have the same characteristics. I don't erase characteristics just because they are seen as typically female...but I don't seem to have a lot of that programming anyway. I don't feel that I'm giving anything up or turning my back on anything but what I wasn't in the first place.

[spacerace]

You know how when you wear a ring for a really long time and then take it off, for awhile you can still feel the ring on your finger? And there may still be an outline of where the ring was after it was there for so long?

That is sorta how I feel about the lingering after effects of female-ness I carry with me.

[GnomeKid]

hmm I seem to find myself trying to reclaim my queerness more so than my femaleness, but I never ever in my life made any attempts at the feminine.  I did/do , however, identify strongly as a big queer which is something that has somewhat drained from my life for the moment (queerness, not my identity as a queer).  Grad school and moving away from my home has sucked a lot of that out and around here I'm seen as just another straight dude [oddly enough the only long-term friend i've made here has been the only one who knows I'm trans] ...

I'm a transman, and while I'm not going to shout it unnecessarily from the rooftops it is who I am.  I like being a little queer.  I think it explains a lot of things about me that may seem off, weird, or maybe even creepy if one expects my past to be that of a typical white straight male.  I guess also to some extent in my opinion it makes someone a little more interesting.  My desire in life has never been sameness.  Its more me-ness.  If something in my past isn't me or isn't something I'm proud of I'm probably not going to bring it up, but I will, for example, talk to pretty much anyone about my time as a girl scout.  I love the girl scouts, I loved being a girl scout, and I love that I was a girl scout.  My past is my past, and if I'm proud of or loved anything from my past I'm not going to hide it or pretend it wasn't me - gendered or not. 

Apart from just allowing me to feel more like myself (being out and open), it takes a lot of the pressure off of telling someone you like that you're trans ... because they probably already know.  No one can hold your transness over your head because who cares when its not a secret in the first place. 

[Natkat]

This came up in another thread and so as not to derail that thread, here's a new thread.

This is what I posted while trying to figure out my gender identity.

"maybe the femaleness I feel is just the residue of being brought up female? Do other trans guys feel this? I went through a stage in adolescence where I tried as hard as I could to squash my maleness and be female. Wore dresses, makeup, hair, etc. But it felt like putting on a costume and acting a part.

So now I'm more confused as ever as to why I feel I have a female part. Do I really feel that? It's like I don't want to turn my back on who I used to be. Does anyone else feel this?"

I still feel as though I identify as FTM because I want to be seen as male. I just feel - not bio male, I guess. Maybe I just feel "transgender" and the me I used to be is just a part of being trans?

makes sense to me even when I never tried hard to be female. in a way I regreat I didn't even try somethimes cause I feel abit annoyed like I think "how can you know for sure your not female if you havent even tried? like if I could try hard enough maybe i could get cis? other times I just see lesbian makes out and like "daim I should have tried being a lesbian and do that XD. haha
-
but well, I did read in your other threat I feel pretty simular, I general do feel somewhere between male-ftm-androgyne-nonbinary something. I dont know exactly what to be label as I guess transgender guy would decribe me best.
I live my everyday life as a guy and I do want to be seen as a guy but I do not nessesarry want to follow the steryotypes on how a guy is suposed to look and be, neither do I feel the same as many other guys but for me its obvious because my life is very diffrent.

I belive as more something hits you as more aware you become of yourself on it. I do not think about my skin colour but when I go shopping around the corner where 90% of everyone is black I do notice im diffrent, I think its the same with being transgender since many of us live in a sociaty where we are neither common or acceptable, so we kinda notice we stick out alittle when it hits us, but even so it became abit of a taboo.
I had a discussion on another forum that "there where no point in transition if you did not identify as a cismale but identifyed as trans?" I dont see that because to me cis and transmen are both identifyed men, it just there look,background and such who are diffrent.

its like when I get in the buss I meet alot of diffrent people. Somethimes I see an old woman sitting beside a black tomboy, sitting beside a blonde femenine popgirl who sits beside a muslim in burqua.
theres all very diffrent in look, background, life and belife but neither dose it make them more or less woman.

I somehow see myself as trans more than cis, because it something who also infect me alot in my everyday life both in my background who is diffrent, my belif who are diffrent, and my strugles who is diffrent than common cisgender, and yeah also my body.
I guess for those people where being trans isnt a big part of there life, they don't feel the need to identify as much.

its what I think

I have a similar feeling, but for me, it's just a lot of insecurity in myself as a man. Not that I don't feel entirely male, but that I don't feel like I am good enough as a man. I don't have the same confidence and certainty that many cis men have in themselves as male. And it sucks. I sort of feel like a nothing to be honest. Not male, not female.

so you identify non-gendered?
I used to feel that cismen had more confidence in themself but laterly I feel it just part of sociaty that men general are not to show weakness and such things.

[Jack_M]

I can't relate. I don't want to identify as a transman anywhere but here or groups. I'm a man and in the future I'll be a man with a transsexual history. Everyone's different but I don't think anyone fully turns their back on who they were, it just depends on who you were on how much you leave behind. For me, I never embraced any femininity. I literally couldn't.  My mum was constantly on my back, I was a disappointment, I was beaten, I was bullied, but I just couldn't do it. I'd take suffering over making things easier for myself to get by. Some people have to dabble in it to realise it's not for them, or collapse under pressure. Nothing wrong with that, just wasn't something I could do.  So, I didn't change how I dressed when deciding to transition and I've always flattened my chest as much as possible since those ugly things appeared. I never wore make up. I did have to wear school skirts (uniform schools are more common than non uniform schools in Scotland), but viewed it more as a kilt to get me through. There's not much for me to turn my back on. I never was a girl and never was feminine. There's different degrees of transition, not everyone is binary, I guess I'm lucky in that I really couldn't be any more binary. However, like Si, I seem to have that understanding/sensitive side too, but no complaints about that cause women tend to like manly men while still, at least secretly, wanting them to be somewhat sensitive too, so it's a total win win! Lol

[aleon515]

I feel like I am still me. I am just liking what my body and brain feel like these days.
I haven't really changed that much what I do and like and so on. I am not completely binary though.

--Jay

[Sly]

I don't know, I was always the same person I am now, just the outside was different.  I don't feel like I used to be anyone else, even if I did do things that didn't come naturally to me to try to fit in.

As for how I identify, I don't consider being trans a huge part of who I am, any more than I consider my shoe size an integral part of my identity.  It's just something that is.  I do feel different from other guys, if only because I have a medical condition that means I will never be exactly like them.  I'm also not sure whether or not I want bottom surgery.  What I have isn't what I would have picked, but I don't hate it either, and as long as that's the case I don't want to drop a ton of money on changing it.  I don't consider myself "in-between" despite that.

[Adam (birkin)]

so you identify non-gendered?
I used to feel that cismen had more confidence in themself but laterly I feel it just part of sociaty that men general are not to show weakness and such things.

No. I feel entirely male, as in I should have been born male. I'm just having such a lack of confidence lately is all.

[MrJ]

I guess there are just so many ways to identify. That's what's overwhelming me I think. I'm a perfectionist and need to give everything a name and put it in the correct place. Things would be much easier if I didn't need to label everything. It would probably be healthier to just be me. I think I'm working towards it, I'm slowly getting better at shedding labels.

And maybe in the future I'll identify as a man, no qualifiers, but right now I'm so caught up in my journey and my changes that I identify as trans and it's very important to me. I imagine it will be less so in the future.

I like the idea of the imprint of a ring. That metaphor resonates with me.

[insideontheoutside]

I've moved my response from the other thread here since it makes more sense ....

My personal feeling is that even though it might be weird ... even though a person's brain chemistry and thoughts might be more male ... they've still had to live in the body they have for x-amount of years. They've still had to deal with other people in that body. They've still had to figure that body out. I've seen plenty of guys post how they're okay with downstairs and can look past certain things to "feel good", such as in sexual situations. I'm not one of those people, but it's definitely another case of, "everyone's different". There's guys who don't feel they need a penis at all. It's really quite variable. I think there's plenty of people who just "work with what they've got" on many fronts.

Having played the part of both male and female in certain instances of my life I can see there's benefits to both. If you happen to be one of those guys that likes to paint his nails or are into fashion, etc. well it's a heck of a lot easier to do those things when someone seeing you on the street actually thinks you're female. There's a lot less instances of that in the reverse. Plenty of men will accept female's doing things that, at a certain point in time, were more male activities. Hunting, fixing cars, playing certain sports, lots of things. So in one way, I find it incredible easy to move through life even though other people think I'm female. Although I've never identified as female with myself.

I guess there are just so many ways to identify. That's what's overwhelming me I think. I'm a perfectionist and need to give everything a name and put it in the correct place. Things would be much easier if I didn't need to label everything. It would probably be healthier to just be me. I think I'm working towards it, I'm slowly getting better at shedding labels.

And maybe in the future I'll identify as a man, no qualifiers, but right now I'm so caught up in my journey and my changes that I identify as trans and it's very important to me. I imagine it will be less so in the future.

I like the idea of the imprint of a ring. That metaphor resonates with me.

MrJ if you're a perfectionist, would percentages work? Like you're 10% female, 90% male? That sort of thing. I know it's not a label per say, but it is an identifier.

I'm guess I'm kind of odd in that I pretty much who I was a kid except with more experiences. There's no way I'm turning my back on who I am. I like myself way too much to even consider doing that.
That said, there is a period in my life where I feel I lost sight of myself and suffered. I turn my back on that.

I could have written this ^ myself.

[CursedFireDean]

You know, that's a really interesting point you bring up. Because I had never thought of it as turning my back on being female. My identity never was "female". I identified as a lesbian. And that was the part of me that I was scared of losing or rather betraying. I felt like this was a part of me. However, in my head I didn't associate female with lesbian. I know this probably makes NO sense. But in my head I always saw myself male-bodied. I hated thinking of myself as female. At the same time however, I did "accept" what my family and society viewed me as. Wow, looking at this post I feel like it will just confuse everyone but it does help me clarify things for myself.

this made me laugh a little because I was like the complete opposite- I could never find a label for myself for years because all I could figure out was that I wasn't a lesbian-and I couldn't even pinpoint WHY I wasn't, I just knew. I find it so fascinating that we (humans) label people and like having labels, yet these labels mean something a little different to every single person. it makes everyone's story even more unique too. I just love hearing peoples thoughts on what a label is to them.