Today is our 7th Anniversary

[Velynna]

I'm counting this as my first real introduction around here. I've been lurking a little bit, but not a whole lot. I apologize in advance for anything strange in here. 1) I'm an odd person, 2) I am an awful speller, and this computer doesn't have spellcheck, and 3) I spent last night crying, and being upset, and trying NOT to be upset for about 3 hours before I finally fell asleep. Today hasn't started off so well.

Preamble: Our marriage is already rocky. She had a one-night-stand almost 2 years ago, and I've been dealing with major depression since then.

So my wife (mtf) came out to me in October last year. I'm cool with it. I'm bi. Her gender isn't that important to me. So far so good. She came out on facebook (and thus the world) in... I wanna say May. Can't remember exactly. Good reception from our friends (most of which are in the LGBT community). My family hasn't said a word about it (my mom is the exception, and she's excited). Her mom's side is accepting. Her dad's side is taking it harder, but they're accepting as well (I have zero love for her dad, but that's another story). It could have been a lot worse; we've been pretty blessed with a good reception.

Despite my excitement and acceptance, it's been a bit difficult. We (I) resigned ourselves to not having kids (which was probably going to happen anyway as she's terrible with children and didn't want them anyway). And then there's this picture of my future with a crotchety old guy that has to be changed. And, of course, being a hetero-couple meant we weren't going to have difficulty if we wanted to, say, go live in like China and teach English (which was briefly considered). We're Pagan, so we're already x-ing out places for our dream vacation/world tour that we couldn't go (Saudi Arabia, for example).

Anyway, it's just not going as quick as I was expecting. She is exclusively female online, but in real life? Nearly all her time is spent as male. She tries to go en femme once a week, but only adheres to that during school (she's getting her AA). I kinda get it, cause it's a lot of effort to shave everywhere, everyday, and she refuses to go without make-up. We're lazy people. I don't style my hair, or wear make-up everyday, or other girl stuff. I get up, get dressed, and go. She's the same way, so femme days are full of effort. She does try to wear at least one item of feminine clothing everyday, so there's that, at least. Still, it bothers me that she doesn't try harder. I poke her about it occasionally (such as when she's out of school), and she'll make an effort to dress en femme at home once a week as well. I know she's scared, and that's mostly the reason. It's something I'm not as upset about anymore, but it was a problem for a bit.

Last night's problem was harder. (Incoming sex topic) She's been having trouble staying aroused for the past couple weeks. I came out and voiced my worries really late last night about how I was afraid she was losing interest in me. She said she was too, and that was the end of it. She was tired and said something along the lines of 'try not to think of it and get some sleep.' It was too warm to snuggle. She fell asleep. I didn't. I bawled silently.

This has been something we've talked about occasionally. She is excited about the idea of being a lesbian, but is worried she might become more interested in men (she's bi with heavy leanings towards ladies). We're not a year in yet, but minds change, so it's a reasonable fear. We've worked our asses off to get our marriage working again, and I feel like it's still falling apart in our hands. Sure, our current bedroom problems could stem from stress, but she's stressed before and no had this problem. Hell, when she spent three years in the major depression that culminated in the one-night-stand she never had this problem. If this is her orientation changing, there's not much I can do about it. We don't know for sure, and it's not something we can act on if it is. There's no guide for this kind of thing. I thought I was doing everything right. I'm supportive, and excited, and making plans, but I can't fight a changing orientation. Even doing everything right, and fighting for a marriage we both want it could still end. It's all extremely frustrating, and confusing, and emotional, and other adjectives, and today being our anniversary is a reminder that we could be fighting for nothing.

PS.
I don't like posting when I'm upset, but I need some support right now.

Edit: Made the post a tad more vanilla. Since I'm too new to view the sexuality forum, I'll try to stay within the rules of keeping this out of that forum.

[Sarah Louise]

The best things I can suggest are seeing a therapist and Keeping your lines of Communication open.  Talk, talk and talk some more.

[Ltl89]

The best things I can suggest are seeing a therapist and Keeping your lines of Communication open.  Talk, talk and talk some more.

Great advice and I concur.

Is your wife currently taking hormones?  If so, her lack of sexual interest may just be a biological response to the meds.  Typically libido tends to drop for many of us when we start to transition.  Men and women, generally speaking, have very different sexual patterns.  So the drop off may be something along those lines.  Also, I don't want to be graphic, but many transgirls have a tough time with the idea of having sex in the "traditional way".  Did you talk to her about it more deeply.  It may have nothing to do with you and she may just feel uncomfortable with certain things in the bed room. Besides the sexual issues, do you feel like your relationship has lacked intimacy in any other way? 

I hear a lot about orientation changes, but it really isn't the case for everyone.  I know so many women who have transitioned and continued a relationship with their spouse.  So I want you to know that there is a way to work through this transition.   

[Velynna]

Thank you both for the response. It turned out to be a complete miscommunication due to exhaustion. What she meant to say was "I don't know why this is happening." Another bad conversation brought to us by insomnia. I have a tenancy to overreact, I'm just not normally so public about it, so I'm rather embarrassed for that, and also because I posted before we'd had a chance to talk (another bad idea).

The best things I can suggest are seeing a therapist and Keeping your lines of Communication open.  Talk, talk and talk some more.

We're usually pretty communicative. We saw a councilor for about a year, our last session was last year right around the time she came out (likely shortly before). After sex especially we talk. It just happens to be a good time to converse for us. Last night was a painful reminder to take outside considerations (like sleep deprivation) into account.

Is your wife currently taking hormones?  If so, her lack of sexual interest may just be a biological response to the meds.  Typically libido tends to drop for many of us when we start to transition.  Men and women, generally speaking, have very different sexual patterns.  So the drop off may be something along those lines.  Also, I don't want to be graphic, but many transgirls have a tough time with the idea of having sex in the "traditional way".  Did you talk to her about it more deeply.  It may have nothing to do with you and she may just feel uncomfortable with certain things in the bed room. Besides the sexual issues, do you feel like your relationship has lacked intimacy in any other way? 

I hear a lot about orientation changes, but it really isn't the case for everyone.  I know so many women who have transitioned and continued a relationship with their spouse.  So I want you to know that there is a way to work through this transition.

She's not on hormones yet, but she's often expressed a deep yearning to ditch her penis, so that could be a contributing factor. As for non-sexual intimacy, we haven't been as intimate as usual, but there are a good deal of contributing factors that I am hoping to alleviate in the coming weeks.

As I mentioned, I'm a lurker. I'm also a search wiz. I hadn't posted on here before because any questions that come up can be answered with a google search, or talking it out. I know how extremely possible it is to maintain our marriage throughout and after transition, which we're both hoping for. Last night was a my fear of losing control reared it's ugly head. If her orientation shifts, there is absolutely nothing I can do at that point, and that's incredibly scary to me. I try not to worry too much about ifs. I do, but I try not to. I've been pretty successful on the subject of transitioning, though. The miscommunication had me thinking that the time had come to worry. I was wrong. Still, I appreciate the reminder that we can do this, and we won't be the only ones who've walked this path before. Thank you.

Edit: Made the post a bit more vanilla.

[Randi]

For an MTF, arousal doesn't correlate with an erection.  I can become intensely aroused and even orgasm without ever getting an erection.

My wife was very worried when I stopped getting usable erections.  She worried that I no longer found her attractive or that I was becoming androphilic.  Neither was true and she is no longer worried.

I was worried that she would miss PIV sex, but she finally admitted that she preferred clitoral stimulation and didn't miss penetration.  We seem to be better matched than ever.

She's always hinted that she found women attractive, but now that she's married to one she can freely indulge.  When I'm given the choice between fellatio and sucking my titties, the titties win every time.

I don't dress very feminine either, although when I wear a tight T-shirt or polo shirt it's pretty obvious that I have a substantial "man-rack". 

I don't want to be phony.  I spent decades playing the part of a man when I never felt like one.  I'm through playing roles.  I'm an androgynous bald guy with big tits, that feels like a woman.

Randi

Last night's problem was harder. (Incoming sex topic) She's been having trouble staying aroused for the past couple weeks. I came out and voiced my worries really late last night about how I was afraid she was losing interest in me. She said she was too, and that was the end of it. She was tired and said something along the lines of 'try not to think of it and get some sleep.' It was too warm to snuggle. She fell asleep. I didn't. I bawled silently.

This has been something we've talked about occasionally. She is excited about the idea of being a lesbian, but is worried she might become more interested in men (she's bi with heavy leanings towards ladies). We're not a year in yet, but minds change, so it's a reasonable fear. We've worked our asses off to get our marriage working again, and I feel like it's still falling apart in our hands. Sure, our current bedroom problems could stem from stress, but she's stressed before and no had this problem. Hell, when she spent three years in the major depression that culminated in the one-night-stand she never had this problem. If this is her orientation changing, there's not much I can do about it. We don't know for sure, and it's not something we can act on if it is. There's no guide for this kind of thing. I thought I was doing everything right. I'm supportive, and excited, and making plans, but I can't fight a changing orientation. Even doing everything right, and fighting for a marriage we both want it could still end. It's all extremely frustrating, and confusing, and emotional, and other adjectives, and today being our anniversary is a reminder that we could be fighting for nothing.

[blueconstancy]

Velynna : I'm glad it turned out to be a misunderstanding, if not glad you spent a night in hell before finding that out. I will admit that I'm also a bit of a control freak and also that my wife changing orientation completely was one of the things that utterly terrified me (in the end, she was bisexual going into transition and is bi after, albeit now with somewhat more attention to men than the 10% or so before). Unfortunately, not much helped me, because there is - as you've noted - no way of assuring it won't happen. With that said, I would have found it comforting if I'd known about the number of couples (both including trans partners and not!) where one person says "My orientation does not usually include this person, but I love them so much I'm making an exception," and the cis wives of trans women who explicitly also say that while they would not choose to date another woman they've been in love with/married to this one for so long that they can adapt this once. In other words, if het cis people can be that flexible, there's no reason to think that a trans person couldn't.

Also, I really admire someone who does all the research. Back when I went looking for answers, the majority conclusion was that all relationships break up and it was better to do it now than later. I'm glad that the consensus is different now!

Keeping it PG, there are plenty of ways that two women can make love that can be adjusted to fit a situation in which one of the women has some extra bits, too. We maintained a healthy and cheerful sex life for about 2 years in which PIV was never an option.

[Ltl89]

Thank you both for the response. It turned out to be a complete miscommunication due to exhaustion. What she meant to say was "I don't know why this is happening." Another bad conversation brought to us by insomnia. I have a tenancy to overreact, I'm just not normally so public about it, so I'm rather embarrassed for that, and also because I posted before we'd had a chance to talk (another bad idea).
We're usually pretty communicative. We saw a councilor for about a year, our last session was last year right around the time she came out (likely shortly before). After sex especially we talk. It just happens to be a good time to converse for us. Last night was a painful reminder to take outside considerations (like sleep deprivation) into account.
She's not on hormones yet, but she's often expressed a deep yearning to ditch her penis, so that could be a contributing factor. As for non-sexual intimacy, we haven't been as intimate as usual, but there are a good deal of contributing factors that I am hoping to alleviate in the coming weeks.

As I mentioned, I'm a lurker. I'm also a search wiz. I hadn't posted on here before because any questions that come up can be answered with a google search, or talking it out. I know how extremely possible it is to maintain our marriage throughout and after transition, which we're both hoping for. Last night was a my fear of losing control reared it's ugly head. If her orientation shifts, there is absolutely nothing I can do at that point, and that's incredibly scary to me. I try not to worry too much about ifs. I do, but I try not to. I've been pretty successful on the subject of transitioning, though. The miscommunication had me thinking that the time had come to worry. I was wrong. Still, I appreciate the reminder that we can do this, and we won't be the only ones who've walked this path before. Thank you.

Edit: Made the post a bit more vanilla.

There is no need to feel embarrassed.  Transitioning will bring out a lot of concerns and fears for loved ones.  Getting it out can be a very helpful tool.  Plus, there are many who are in your shoes and may find your post to be helpful and inspiring.  I know some of my posts on the side were made prematurely, but it documents what we all go through and what the journey is like.  This can be very helpful for those who are just starting to see what it's like and perhaps learn from our experience. 

I'm glad it was a miscommunication and things are good!