I just feel so depressed....

[Kei22]

Sometimes i don't know what to do with myself and my dysphoria....

If i remember correctly i have been feeling like this since i was seven  years old...

I just...my mom and family are my bigest obstacles apart from my country which is full of homophobic people who kill anyone or see everyone who is different as a sexual worker.

Today she say'd that i looked everything but like a guy. That hurt me. It wasn't in an angry way,it was in fact a compliment while talking to someone else,she also say'd that i did not have the body of a guy and if i did put male clothes on i would look like if i was in costume. Those stuff just make me feel horrible. I have had suicidal though and think of hurting myself but i know i won't ever do that,but lately since the past year i have been on a rollercoaster of selfdiscovery and now that i know what i am i start to care less and less for my body,i mean i take care of myself,don't take me wrong,i just...when i look at my reflection i feel sad and disgusted,i have always seen myself as a boy. Always since i remember feeling like this. Mom told me i used to like wearing dresses and all that....well i wasn't aware of how i felt all my freaking life...

She knows i'm genderqueer.....but its like the info never really got to her....yesterday i was wearing a boy shirt and she told me i looked like a guy but a bad looking one that i better take that shirt off....hello..Didn't you read my letter?...I WANT TO LOOK LIKE A DUDE. I WANT TO BE ONE.

my hope of ever going somewhere with this is moving out of my country....to US...and it would be to Miami...i have heard bad things about transgender people and  bullying....

I'm just so lost......i'm also afraid of changing to a guy and not be able to still be myself,thst would have to stop doing the things i like or behave differently.....

Sorry for the long vent...its that.....i don't know anymore....thanks for listening.

[Simon]

Sorry that you're going through this but do know that it's commonplace. Most parents go through denial, anger, blah blah....basically it's like grieving a death for many of them. I can tell you that for most of us it does get better but it can be a very slow process. Families typically aren't accepting of this and especially so in the beginning. To them it's a farce. The ironic thing is acceptance can come after years of transitioning when they see how happy you've become...but you're still the person they loved before essentially. Then you'll be like, "Where the eff was this love and acceptance when I needed it?"

The best advice I can give you is to stay in school and get a good education so you'll be able to afford medically transitioning when you're older. Besides the acceptance factor the reason a lot of people who start doing this medically wait until their 20's or older is because it's not cheap (and you said you want to move to the USA. Nothing is cheap here). If you're not in a environment that is accepting then make a course of action so you can be one day. Forget the negativity and focus on your future. You can do this...maybe not today, tomorrow, or even a year from now but keep pressing forward and eventually you'll get where you need to be. Good luck.