Hello,
What brought me here was recently I came out to my therapist as "genderqueer", and that term is new to me, but its the best thing at the moment to describe my current situation. When I was around 22 (10-12 years ago??) I saw a specialist in Los Angeles where I lived at the time, he specialized in transgender youth. I of course had to see a therapist for sometime before getting on HRT. I went through HRT for about 9 months but as soon as I saw some noticeable breast tissue and co-workers started to notice too I started to get cold feet. I told my therapist that I felt more comfortable being "bi-gendered" a term I kind of made up at the time, it was the only way I could describe how I felt about myself and my body. So I stopped treatment but kept seeing the therapist for a little while and then I just stopped going.
Since then there were various reasons that lead me to become reclusive but part of it (probably a big part of it) was that I was still struggling with my gender identity. I used to HATE my facial hair ever since it started growing in, in my early 20's. But I started to grow goatee's here and there and started to play around with more masculine looks. Where as before I wouldn't even leave my house without shaving and wearing full make up even just to go down the hall of my apartment bldg to get the mail. I figured that the gender issues were over, and that I was just being impulsive (I have ADHD) and made a drastic decision in my youth. Always though in the back of my mind I had these transgender thoughts. I would see girls or women with certain hair styles or jewelry and would secretly wished that I could look like that or wear those kind of things. But than I would just push it aside, I'm a gay man after all aren't I. Gay men are supposed to appreciate those things, so I figured it was normal to be a little envious of those things. It is more than just that though, and I'm just now coming back into terms with that. Since I stopped HRT I have been being a femme "gay" man trying to be comfortable as a man but always feeling awkward and out of place most of the time. Unless I'm around a lot of gay people/women or at work which is in the beauty industry so I'm surrounded by woman gay men and very open minded people.
I came out of the closet as gay when I was 17 years old, my family has accepted that whole heartedly with no problems at all. My partner of 9 years has been taken in as family they love him, and is always invited to every family event. So I am blessed in that way. My family is very conservative though, luckily not in the religious way! But all of them as far as looks, lifestyle and there expectations and such they are very conservative. None have any tattoo's piercings or anything out of the normal. I've always kind of been the odd duck in the family always having crazy colored hair always going through new looks and styles always changing. I'm very artistic and love things that are out of the ordinary and are unconventional, etc. So there are many things that I'm like "Oh I love that!" and they are like "eww, what a freak, that's gross, why would some one do that etc etc." So for them to accept me as a gay guy who has his own style is awesome. I guess I'm afraid to push it with telling them I'm transgender.
On that note I do at the present feel most comfortable being androgynous, I don't feel the need to be a woman. However I am seeking an endocrinologist to get on HRT asap, which I am very excited about. I was seeing my therapist for ADHD which I have been diagnosed with since my early teens. We then started to talk about other things as well, I just came out to her a month ago about the whole gender issue. I have been feeling super happy and excited and free since then. I just know it is right this time around and I am not going to hesitate. The other morning I told my partner and he was totally cool with it, he did know about my stint with HRT the first time around, and I have mentioned several times over the years hinting at this sort of thing. So he wasn't shocked, he accepts me for who I am no matter what. I don't know how I found such a wonderful loving understanding man! He is the best :mrgreen:
So back to being queer/genderqueer or whatever I should call it. At this point in time I want to appear more feminine but not ready for breasts. I understand there are different doses of hormones I could take, and I am aware that some breast tissue will happen. I'm okay with that, I just don't want anything over an A size
Again definitely something to talk to the doctor about.
I did however ask my partner if I did grow breasts even a little bit if he'd be okay with that. He kind of was like well it is what it is, I asked if that meant he'd just have to get used to it. And he basically stated yes. I asked him if he loved me and he said YES of course. So that just made me feel amazing and confident. We'll see what the future brings. Right now though I'm just excited to make an appointment and see what my options are from the Dr.
Since telling my therapist and my man and getting that weight off my chest, that these feelings never left me and that I am trans/genderqueer/queer or a combo I have been feeling happier than I have in years. I've always been a happy positive optimistic person but there was a darkness inside me others didn't get to see. I feel so light now, and feel so confident in my feelings and that they are valid feelings and not just on a whim.
And as far as describing myself I have no idea what umbrella to put me under, so if someone could point me in the right direction that would be awesome lol. Maybe just queer???
Anyway I could go on with childhood feelings and how school was etc etc.. But I tend to ramble so i'll just stop here. I'm sure I'll be posting a lot more in the near future and look forward to getting to know everyone here!
