I've been a short time lurker of this great place, and when I read your words, I saw alot of what I've been thinking for a long, long time.
I'll give a description of myself but try not to make it a total life story.
My earliest memories of my "situation" are at 4 years old, when my mother caught me wearing long socks on my arms, trying to look like the gloved Marilyn Monroe in The 7 Year Itch. She didn't like that at all and probably told me not to do that again. When I was growing up, everyone said I my older sister and I should have switched places, as I was small and weak and she was very strong minded and athletic. That might have played a part in what I am today, who knows.
Fast forward a few years to school. I was always
extremely jealous of girls there. When I finally reached around my sister & mother's height, I snuck their clothes into my room. If I was only still that height and weight!
It was truly ME. A few times I would come home from school and find the hidden clothes gone, it was a numbing, shocking feeling, as I was secretive as I could be. I tried to be as "boyish" as possible, betraying myself the whole time. My mom said nothing, likewise, I did not confront her. Still, I continued to sneak and wear as much as I could. I didn't consider it crossdressing, and still don't.
In high school, it was be a tough guy or get hassled. So I tried athletics myself. It helped deflect any feminine tendencies I had. Throughout school, I never had a girlfriend, I just was not good looking (still am not). I never had the courage to be "gay sounding" or "gay looking". That would just not do. After school, I had an interest in girls, but the opposite was not true. I was always jealous of them, thinking "why can I not be that beautiful?" I did the life is unfair bit, but eventually I realized this can be changed.
When Jerry Springer came out in the early 90s, and showed MtF transsexuals, it was both a great sense of joy that I could finally be who I needed to be, but I realized the chances were slim to none of it happening to me. I was already being poisoned by testosterone, facial hair, horrid adam's apple, widening jaw, and a very ugly forehead. Severe depression set in, which took me about a year to get over. Around 96, I got the internet for the first time. It was a great wealth of information I had not realized existed. I found out about hormones, FFS, etc. With it, I could be anonymous and order my own clothes and cosmetics I'd wanted for so long but didn't want to go out and just buy in a store. I had saved up money, but was conned into getting a good reliable car by my parents shortly after. A transition was still in the back of my mind.
All this time, I still had to prove some kind of toughness and be a bad ass. I could not let my family or friends ever have any idea of what I was really like underneath. I did the workouts to get "big" and try to purge myself of any femininity. Finally, after I turned 30 a few years ago, I told myself it was finally time to stop trying to fool myself. Regret was setting in like a knife, I felt guilty I had not started something 10 years ago or earlier. I had never been in a relationship, and I said I will not live like this. I started the stealth thing, loosing weight was first. Last year, I found some herblike stuff that I've been taking, it's pretty popular. I want to get on HRT, but, when I went to the therapist listed in my area (far west Texas), it was an abandoned area in a strip mall. I swore if I didn't do something soon, I would put a shotgun to the brow bossing in my forehead so I would have a closed casket ceremony in case anyone that found me cared enough to bury me. After taking the stuff (which I still am), I feel pretty good. I've been loosing weight nicely, and started electrolosis early this year, which is helping me feel better when I look in the mirror.
So if anyone knows of a therapist in my area, let me know by all means. This transition will happen, no force on Earth will stop me, with the
Susans.org family or not. I'll continue on to finish electro, work on my voice, have FFS hopefully in the U.S. or in a closeby country, then finalize everything with SRS. I'm still doing the macho thing a little, but I'm
really, really tired of it. In fact, I'm at the point where I no longer care if anyone finds out my ultimate goal. I'm not even ashamed to tell strangers on the internet where I've been and where I'm going. There's alot of women here that give me hope.
I thought I was only going to type a few words, but I figured what the hell. If you're still reading thanks for listening.
