Hair cut and then, what my Dad said about it and my hair clips. :(

[Shana-chan]

I've been growing my hair long, my bangs needed cutting so my Dad took me to get my hair cut. When I was there, shortly before finished he made fun of how long my hair is. As a result I jokingly made fun of him back (In a playful way) and said how about we take the scissors away from you and let your hair grow out long? I think that was all that was said. I already previously in the same day had to "deal" with getting men's clothing so I can go to a job interview which, I REALLY didn't want to buy those male cloths since I prefer female cloths and because of who I am but had to in order to become more independent such as getting a job hopefully. Finally after going grocery shopping and again dealing with the rest of the cloths shopping after the hair cut, my dad took me home. When I got back I realized, one of my hair clips was gone. It was yellow, with a flower on it (Plastic and metal) and I called my Dad to tell him what happened and if he found it, to give it back to me the next time I see him. I got his wife instead, told her to tell him what I said and he called me back 5 or less minutes later. What'd HE DO?

*Sigh* He said he wasn't ok with my hair being long and that I should get it cut short and if it were him, not to show up with my hair clips on to the job interview. I then said its MY BODY and I wasn't GOING to show up with the hair clips on and HE got offensive saying I interrupted him and he made me madder. (Since I was mad when he said that) I said sorry even though HE'S the one who should say sorry and then, his last words were the most hurtful he's said to me in a LONG TIME! He said. I'll be honest, imo (Not sure if he did say imo or not) those hair clips look HORRENDOUS on you. He then said got to go love you bye and that's when I said nothing back and hanged up the phone.

What he said to me there made me break into tears. It made me VERY depressed and hurt me VERY much! That's WHILE having to "deal" with a half bad day and half good day. The highlight was my hair which btw, looks like a women's hair now. However, he completely RUINED that happy feeling when he said that. I immediately called my sis and thank God she picked up and helped calm me down. (Though she's not the best at what to say at times since thinking back on certain things I said I wish she'd said something) Still she helped me, she's also going through a lot so I listened to her too. Still my Dad, my OWN Dad who SADLY helped give birth to me and is hard to really "call" him a real dad since he's hardly done anything worthy of being called a "Dad" said such a terrible thing to me. Btw he believes men should have short hair because of 1 line in the bible which never says you can't have long hair but it's a shame upon men to have long hair. I believe he said that HORRENDOUS comment because of my "male" body and really, that just hurt so bad. He'd NEVER say such a terrible thing to a female after all. I was also mad at the world and Society for how they treat people like us. It isn't fair nor is it right! Oh and he called my cell and then my hone phone while I was talking to my sis. (Well it could have been his wife but I doubt it) and I didn't DARE answer the phone and he never called back again or left me a message. This happened today and before this happened, he said he'd call me tomorrow night to get with me on possibly going to some job interviews so hopefully I'll know what he was calling back on soon. Still tbh, I'm worried what he might say or do. I "DOUBT" he was calling to say sorry, especially since he never left a message.

Well that's what my day was like for me today...pretty bad...

[TerriT]

That's not very bad.

[Shana-chan]

Maybe not to you and sure there have been and are way worse things that have been done/said but that still REALLY hurt me and my feelings.

[Felix]

When I was a kid I was told that men with long hair go to hell. It hurt my feelings at the time, knowing that stepping out of line regarding gender expectations was absolutely not okay. We were backwater southern baptists and it took a lot of time and travel to get over the shame.

I'm sure your hair is very pretty and I'm sorry your family isn't supportive.

[Taka]

some of the manliest men in biblical history had long hair.
or actually, i'm not that sure how manly samson really was, but the beautiful long hair was the secret to his strength.
makes me wonder how many of the first disciples went to hell, would be interesting to know the length of their hair, so we can judge.

some parents do horrendous things to their children thinking it's in their best interest.
my mother used to watch over everything i did like a hawk, correcting my slightest mistake. didn't make me better at anything, only unable to do anything at all if other people can see or hear me. she still has no idea what she did to me, she only meant it well.

your father might be thinking it's better for you to man up, and thus his words might be very logical in his mind. doesn't make it the right thing to do though, and what hurts hurts. no parent should be that inconsiderate of their own child, so as to not notice whether their words or actions help or hurt.

[Sammy]

Speaking about men, long hair and manliness in general...

If that is not MANLY, then I dont know what is... Well, who am I to judge manliness but this pic is just leaking testosterone

[Beth Andrea]

When I was a kid I was told that men with long hair go to hell. It hurt my feelings at the time, knowing that stepping out of line regarding gender expectations was absolutely not okay. We were backwater southern baptists and it took a lot of time and travel to get over the shame.

I'm sure your hair is very pretty and I'm sorry your family isn't supportive.

I heard the same thing...damn long-hair hippehs...LOL! And yes, it does take a lot of time and distance to overcome.

Another thing to consider Shana, is men (especially fathers or father-figures) tend to have a little bit of "Alpha Male" in them, and don't like Their A'toritay questioned or challenged. (I was guilty of that, in my former days).

Typically it goes like this:

Alpha says, "You should do that, it's for the best."
You say, "Screw that, I'm going to do this."
Alpha gets all pissy and tries to intimidate/belittle you into submission and/or agreement with his Decision From On High.
You resist, often by being smartalecky.
Argument escalates...everybody gets upset.

You can do this if you want, in fact it's a part of growing up, but be aware that there are ways to de-escalate or defer the situation until later...when Alpha says "do this", you say, "Hmm, I hadn't thought about that. I'll keep it in mind for next time."

There are other things one could say or suggest, but good on you for standing up for what you want! Be happy, don't let the aggravation stick around for too long!

[Jess42]

When I was a kid I was told that men with long hair go to hell. It hurt my feelings at the time, knowing that stepping out of line regarding gender expectations was absolutely not okay. We were backwater southern baptists and it took a lot of time and travel to get over the shame.

I'm sure your hair is very pretty and I'm sorry your family isn't supportive.

LOL. I was told the same thing around ten years old, Pentecostal though. That is also the same time my adult cousin introduced me to AC/DC and the "Highway" leading there sounded much more fun than church on Sunday mornings and evenings anyway. I never looked back. After about a year of me throwing tantrums or running away at hairrcut time, my parents threw in the towel.

[Danielle Emmalee]

When I was a kid I was told that men with long hair go to hell. It hurt my feelings at the time, knowing that stepping out of line regarding gender expectations was absolutely not okay. We were backwater southern baptists and it took a lot of time and travel to get over the shame.

I'm sure your hair is very pretty and I'm sorry your family isn't supportive.

Didn't Jesus have long hair?  Or do not all Christians portray him that way?

[Bookworm]

I've been growing my hair long, my bangs needed cutting so my Dad took me to get my hair cut. When I was there, shortly before finished he made fun of how long my hair is. As a result I jokingly made fun of him back (In a playful way) and said how about we take the scissors away from you and let your hair grow out long? I think that was all that was said. I already previously in the same day had to "deal" with getting men's clothing so I can go to a job interview which, I REALLY didn't want to buy those male cloths since I prefer female cloths and because of who I am but had to in order to become more independent such as getting a job hopefully. Finally after going grocery shopping and again dealing with the rest of the cloths shopping after the hair cut, my dad took me home. When I got back I realized, one of my hair clips was gone. It was yellow, with a flower on it (Plastic and metal) and I called my Dad to tell him what happened and if he found it, to give it back to me the next time I see him. I got his wife instead, told her to tell him what I said and he called me back 5 or less minutes later. What'd HE DO?

*Sigh* He said he wasn't ok with my hair being long and that I should get it cut short and if it were him, not to show up with my hair clips on to the job interview. I then said its MY BODY and I wasn't GOING to show up with the hair clips on and HE got offensive saying I interrupted him and he made me madder. (Since I was mad when he said that) I said sorry even though HE'S the one who should say sorry and then, his last words were the most hurtful he's said to me in a LONG TIME! He said. I'll be honest, imo (Not sure if he did say imo or not) those hair clips look HORRENDOUS on you. He then said got to go love you bye and that's when I said nothing back and hanged up the phone.

What he said to me there made me break into tears. It made me VERY depressed and hurt me VERY much! That's WHILE having to "deal" with a half bad day and half good day. The highlight was my hair which btw, looks like a women's hair now. However, he completely RUINED that happy feeling when he said that. I immediately called my sis and thank God she picked up and helped calm me down. (Though she's not the best at what to say at times since thinking back on certain things I said I wish she'd said something) Still she helped me, she's also going through a lot so I listened to her too. Still my Dad, my OWN Dad who SADLY helped give birth to me and is hard to really "call" him a real dad since he's hardly done anything worthy of being called a "Dad" said such a terrible thing to me. Btw he believes men should have short hair because of 1 line in the bible which never says you can't have long hair but it's a shame upon men to have long hair. I believe he said that HORRENDOUS comment because of my "male" body and really, that just hurt so bad. He'd NEVER say such a terrible thing to a female after all. I was also mad at the world and Society for how they treat people like us. It isn't fair nor is it right! Oh and he called my cell and then my hone phone while I was talking to my sis. (Well it could have been his wife but I doubt it) and I didn't DARE answer the phone and he never called back again or left me a message. This happened today and before this happened, he said he'd call me tomorrow night to get with me on possibly going to some job interviews so hopefully I'll know what he was calling back on soon. Still tbh, I'm worried what he might say or do. I "DOUBT" he was calling to say sorry, especially since he never left a message.

Well that's what my day was like for me today...pretty bad...

Hun I know it sucks to have your family make comments like that. I too have fought with my parents over my long hair. I can't transition at the moment, so for me my hair is my one way to openly be feminine. I know that long hair is not inherently female, but for me it is what I have. I have to agree with the other people here that it is most likely your dad playing the macho alpha male card. My own dad pulls that and it really does suck. I am horrible at trying to cheer people up. -hugs- I hope things get  better.

Didn't Jesus have long hair?  Or do not all Christians portray him that way?

That was my thought as well.

[Jess42]

Didn't Jesus have long hair?  Or do not all Christians portray him that way?

Ha. Supposedly he did especially if someone takes the Shroud of Turin as evidence. From what I've heard the Romans were the ones with the short hair. Men wearing hair short was supposedly a sign of allegience or something to the Roman Empire. HMM, that would make Jesus a rebel, wouldn't it? 

[Shana-chan]

Thanks all and thanks Beth, I've never been fond of others telling me what to do. The problem isn't my hair being long so much as it was the horrible comment he made about my hair clips. So an update on that but first, about Jesus Christ having long hair and Sampson too. I actually mentioned that to my Dad a good while back and he said for Jesus that that's how Hollywood or Society portrays his appearance.    When I pointed to Sampson and said his long hair was his blessing and NOT a shame to him my Dad said he was doing a Nazarite vow which involved 3 things, one of which was growing the male's hair long but when in the new testament that person who my Dad said was Paul said it's a shame upon man to have long hair and a blessing upon women to have long hair, my dad said that at that point people weren't doing the nazarite vow anymore and so things changed. Basically what my Dad is saying is that to be closer to God men have to have short hair for people who are in his Church yet that contradicts Jesus who had long hair along with Sampson who also had long hair which was his blessing and really, this is why I don't like his church who have brain washed him. Me and my sis can see how what he said contradicts the rest but my Dad even though I explained it all to him the same way I explained it to my sis doesn't see any contradiction there.

So to that update.

I talked to him a day or two later about it and asked him what he was calling me back for? He said to say he was sorry for raising his voice and I asked him if that was all. He said yup. At that point I let him know that I didn't appreciate his jokes about my hair nor did I like how he kept bringing my long hair up and how I should have it short and to stop it. I also told him that that comment about my hair clips made me cry and he made excuses and so on. He "might" have apologized briefly but I don't know for sure since it was hard to hear him at the time and even if he did, I honestly don't think he sincerely meant it. I told him that my feelings are sensitive like a girl's feelings are (Actually I think more sensitive than most girl's feelings are) and I don't think he's ever noticed it. (Doesn't surprise me at all) His "best" excuse for the hair clip comment was because he was trying to get me to see I shouldn't wear them to a job interview and that's why he said that HOWEVER! I had ALREADY just said to him right before he said that to me that I KNOW I shouldn't wear them to a job interview nor am I going too so his next comment was COMPLETELY unnecessary and he can lie and make excuses all he wants. I KNOW it was a matter of his opinion and all but it still hurt and I told him if I had been born a girl then he'd NEVER had said that to me since I know he wouldn't have said that to a girl and he said that actually he WOULD have still said that to a girl. Any girl. Surely he's not THAT stupid and THAT insensitive to a girl's feelings? Sheesh. I'm not sure if he meant it or was just saying that for whatever reason.

[Bookworm]

Awww hun -hugs-

[musicofthenight]

I don't often experience gender dysphoria,
but when I do it's over things like this.

All my sympathies.

So, it's a really, really bad idea to actually say this, but the next time he gets all 1 Corinthians 11 on you (a rather subtle and complex passage*), you could point out 1 Corinthians 7.

(*Corinth was rather cult-like and - probably - was encouraging initiates to leave their spouses for the Church, not welcoming couples and families, that sort of thing.  It's impossible to be sure because so little historical record remains.  But the whole "you don't actually get a second shot at marriage" thing is found throughout the New Testament and quite explicit in the Gospels.)

Don't actually bring this up.  Repeat: do not.  You will reduce a (possibly) healthy fight to mere debate.  Don't let him drag you down to his level - he will win with experience.

No, if you're going to fight, fight like a woman.  That is, fight dirty, with emotional judo.  Not dominance but indomitability.

http://www.prettyfedup.com/pfu/topics/mydadmyenemy.htm - give this a read.  It will help you understand where he's coming from, which should help you keep your center.

I personally dislike the stereotypical "is this about X?" parry.  Sure, it gets your opponent in a position where they're compelled to answer yes or no, but it's a little too passive-aggressive.  I prefer to own my opinions: "I think you're worried that I'm not tough enough."  Or to express confusion over assumptions.  "Why would I wear that to an interview?" (no aggression in your voice) or "Of course not; that clip is too cute."

If you do get angry and can't control it, it's better to own it.  "I'm angry."  "I don't know why, but I do feel like you're trying to reject who I am."

*sigh*

All this reminds me why it might be better to be out to my father.  Because as it stands a good fight could make me say, "are you saying I'm not a man?" in response to gender-policing.  And there goes the can of worms.

[Natkat]

Ha. Supposedly he did especially if someone takes the Shroud of Turin as evidence. From what I've heard the Romans were the ones with the short hair. Men wearing hair short was supposedly a sign of allegience or something to the Roman Empire. HMM, that would make Jesus a rebel, wouldn't it?

Well Jesus was a rebelious in general,
but I don't think the hair was a part of it and not even sure what hair he got. how could we know?
---
op:
well screw, the thing about hair. I seen lot of guys having long hair, and I also seem guys in Japan wearing hair clips even when it isnt common here.

Im sure you look gook with your hair, just your dad who dont approve it, I also had problems with my hair, my mom didnt really like me to have short hair, now after transition she make a fuss when my hair become just alittle too long.

[Bookworm]

Well Jesus was a rebelious in general,
but I don't think the hair was a part of it and not even sure what hair he got. how could we know?
---
op:
well screw, the thing about hair. I seen lot of guys having long hair, and I also seem guys in Japan wearing hair clips even when it isnt common here.

Im sure you look gook with your hair, just your dad who dont approve it, I also had problems with my hair, my mom didnt really like me to have short hair, now after transition she make a fuss when my hair become just alittle too long.

I about had a giggle fit over that last bit. It seems like mothers around are hard to please XD

[Shana-chan]

op:
well screw, the thing about hair. I seen lot of guys having long hair, and I also seem guys in Japan wearing hair clips even when it isnt common here.

Im sure you look gook with your hair, just your dad who dont approve it, I also had problems with my hair, my mom didnt really like me to have short hair, now after transition she make a fuss when my hair become just alittle too long.

I've seen a few myself and I forgot about the boys wearing hair clips in Japan but I remember reading it was only for the ones in school. Not sure if outside of school they wear them or not.