Going to university. Need some help!

[Erik Ezrin]

Hey there guys! Sorry for the long post, but can anyone help me out??

Next friday I'll be having my uni introduction week, and 2 september I'll be starting 'for real'. This should be a thing to be 'healthily anxious but excited' about, but I am starting to feel MORE than just a bit "healthily anxious" here!
I am not out IRL, and the only people that know I'm trans are some trans friends which I only know via the internet (I tried coming out in a letter, and some who read that might remember it didn't go that well, and am still practically 'in' regardless of what I wrote). My birth name and sex is on my high school graduation documents, AND in the universities database. I thought about sending a mail explaining everything, but the anxious scarity-cat that I am I chickened out of it. :S I was too afraid of 'what if's'. Too afraid I might scare people away before getting to know them, of being 'the freak' once again. I hoped that time was over... (I've always been the class weirdo. Not even for being trans. I'm THAT weird, lol!) I thought I outgrew that fear. Punched it hard in the face years ago, but now it makes my stomach turn once again. I don't know what to do...

No matter what, I either have to pretend being a girl, or out myself on the spot (since my teachers and mentors only know my female name, etc. and know nothing else than that I am female inside out). Both feel incredibly awkward.
Would it scare people off to say; "Hi, I'm signed in here as *birthname* but I'm actually Erik. I look and sound so female because I'm transgender, which means I'm born as a member of the wrong sex,... etc." ? or something like that? (I am afraid it would :s) I'm afraid people will think of it as awkward that I start telling personal stuff like that to near-strangers, or even that I'm attention whoring or trying to be "special", etc. I also feel like it places A LOT of emphasis on me being trans. Like "Hi, I'm trans and my name is Erik" as if being trans is the MOST important thing about me (which it isn't. FAR from!) What should I do with this?

I am really stressed out atm. I don't wanna be seen as a girl AGAIN,  but I dunno how smart outing myself as trans right away would be...

[JaredLeBlanc]

Hey Erik!

Is there any way you could get your documents changed? How long can it take and what do you have to do to get them changed?

If there is no way to do it now then i think you have to decide what's easier for you: can you handle being seen and treated as a girl? I know it's disgusting but at least no one will gossip behind your back, no one will laugh at you, nobody will think you are crazy or weird. Everything will be kind of ok, cos nobody knows what you feel inside.

But if pretending to be a girl is too disgusting for you, then i think you should just tell everyone you are TG and don't care what anyone thinks. They don't like it? They think your are crazy, weird and out of your mind? OK, screw them. It's their business. They can think what they want. You are still you. You are who you are. You can't live your life to please other people. Because this is YOUR life, not theirs. So you can live it the way YOU want. And you are not supposed to live it to please someone else. In the end, everybody is responsible for their life only. So you are doing the best you can to feel comfortable and to be yourself. You are not hurting anyone by doing this. If they don't like it, it's their problem.

[AdamMLP]

Could you talk to your lecturers before, either through email or face to face, and explain the situation to them, so at least you're only coming out to a handful of people rather than having to come out to all of your classmates?

[thatboyfresh]

Hey!

So I am currently in college and went for a year back in 2008 as well. I was also very nervous about this. On the first day I cringed when one of the professors called my birth name. In my experience MOST of my teachers just used a "sign in " attendance sheet I am not sure how that differs with university or from proff to proff. What I did ( in 2008) was just go up to my proffs and tell them my preferred name is Devon ( or you can say I use my middle name and tell them what ever name you wish) and in my case no one raised any questions about it. I handed in all my assignments as Devon and went about my business. With my second and current trip into education right on the form it asked me my given name AND my preferred name so since the beginning I've been called the correct name. In both occurrences I never once had to "out" myself. To save yourself from awkward-ness you could either speak to your admissions coordinator or proffs directly and just inform them that you go by "_______" and will be handing in assignments, ect under that name.

Good luck!

[DriftingCrow]

Erik, you should call the Dean of Students office and/or registrars office ASAP and explain the situation. Many universities now have trans friendly policies regarding preferred names. Try not to feel nervous about talking to them, it's their job to work through concerns like this (and, like, if you're paying $20-$50,000/year to go to school, they better be bending over backward to accommodate you).

Also, like Alex said, if you don't get this worked out with the Dean's or registrar's office, e-mail the professors and anyone else you'd encounter (like RA's) before classes start or you move into your dorm.

And about friends, if they give you crap for being trans, they're a bunch of a-holes you don't want to be friends with anyways. People in college tend to be a little more relaxed and open minded about stuff, but if you do come across some closed-minded jerks, either move on or report them to the dean's office if their behavior warrants additional action. Unless you're planning on being completely stealth, join the LGBT organization, you'll meet a lot of accepting friends there, or find some other group that interests you where you can meet like-minded people.

And, based on my college experience, don't feel bad if you feel like you don't have any friends at first, making friends takes time. So don't feel like you're a loser if everyone else seems to be all buddy-buddy within the first day or two. 

[Erik Ezrin]

Thanks for the replies everybody! I'll just work my way through all of 'em using quotes. It will be pretty long tho', sorry, but I'll try to keep it -kinda- short.

Is there any way you could get your documents changed? How long can it take and what do you have to do to get them changed?

My official documents you mean? I don't think so, no. I can only change that once my sex and name have been legally changed. I think I can change my... how do I call this... "roepnaam" AKA: how you want to be called (doesn't have to be legal name)

And of course acting like I am a girl would make me feel horrible. Not so much disgusting (unless I'd become a girly-girl *shudder* Not for a million euro's!), but more like 'wearing a mask'/'acting a part', just not being myself. I'm really afraid I'll chicken out telling people tho'. (I am quite an effing chicken, to be honest :/ I can be a dare devil when it comes to some things, but social situations that aren't 'safe' scare the crap out of me :s)

Could you talk to your lecturers before, either through email or face to face, and explain the situation to them, so at least you're only coming out to a handful of people rather than having to come out to all of your classmates?

I would, if I knew who my teachers were or had their email addresses. I don't even have my schedule yet! >:I

So I am currently in college and went for a year back in 2008 as well. I was also very nervous about this. On the first day I cringed when one of the professors called my birth name. In my experience MOST of my teachers just used a "sign in " attendance sheet I am not sure how that differs with university or from proff to proff. What I did ( in 2008) was just go up to my proffs and tell them my preferred name is Devon ( or you can say I use my middle name and tell them what ever name you wish) and in my case no one raised any questions about it. I handed in all my assignments as Devon and went about my business. With my second and current trip into education right on the form it asked me my given name AND my preferred name so since the beginning I've been called the correct name. In both occurrences I never once had to "out" myself. To save yourself from awkward-ness you could either speak to your admissions coordinator or proffs directly and just inform them that you go by "_______" and will be handing in assignments, ect under that name.

Just wondering... wouldn't that raise questions? Like "Hey, Erik, you have a pretty high voice for an 18 year old guy. And no facial hair...? Are you even a real guy???" etc. ? Or am I just overanalysing and fussing too much and will most people just be like "Hmm, what a feminine guy. And such a high voice! Poor him!" or something?
I never told anyone "I'm a guy"/"my name is Erik" because I was too afraid they would be like "NOOO WAY!" so I have no idea how people will react. How do I know whether they'll buy it?

Erik, you should call the Dean of Students office and/or registrars office ASAP and explain the situation. Many universities now have trans friendly policies regarding preferred names. Try not to feel nervous about talking to them, it's their job to work through concerns like this (and, like, if you're paying $20-$50,000/year to go to school, they better be bending over backward to accommodate you).

Schools here aren't THAT expensive, gladly. About 4.000 e for a year, only college costs, and then 500 to 1.000 if you're unlucky or stupid, for the books.
But that's a good idea, as I cannot find anything on their site regarding trans issues/rights (I guess they don't get many trans students, LOL!)

And about friends, if they give you crap for being trans, they're a bunch of a-holes you don't want to be friends with anyways. People in college tend to be a little more relaxed and open minded about stuff, but if you do come across some closed-minded jerks, either move on or report them to the dean's office if their behavior warrants additional action. Unless you're planning on being completely stealth, join the LGBT organization, you'll meet a lot of accepting friends there, or find some other group that interests you where you can meet like-minded people.

Hmm, yeah, you're right. You guys are right! It's so odd, last years I've wore the weirdest clothes, had dreads (in high school. My nickname was 'Rasta' (my mum called me "rastaman", just because it sounded nice, not 'cause she saw me as a man. I still liked the 'man' part tho' *big grin*)), and was just the general hippie/weirdo/freak, and didn't give a single ->-bleeped-<- about it. People said things and it didn't even hit me, like I was having a magic shield around me. Thus I thought I had become strong enough to be myself, to withstand douchebags and a-holes and laugh about their stupidity. But now I think of revealing myself as trans, and then being bullied... I feel so weak again... I dunno why this is. Confuses the @&$#*-ing ->-bleeped-<- out of me.

Thanks for the encouraging words everybody! People always say 'you're so brave' and 'you're so strong', but at a time like this I feel incredibly weak and frightened. I dunno what I'd do without the great support of you people *brohugs everybody*

[thatboyfresh]

In my case No one questioned me at all. Even when they heard my birth name on the first day and then later when we met I told them my name was Devon and no one batted an eyelid. Of course we are all our own worst critics. But if you are telling someone "Hi my name is Erik" most likely they will not be like "are you sure your name is Erik" Now there is not to say that there arnt tactless, ignorant people in this world. Those very same people who bring up the dreaded Are you a boy or girl? That can make anyone cringe and want to hide in their homes for years. None the less I really think that you might be over analyzing the situation which is perfectly normal for you to do. You don't have to flat out say IM A GUY the first time you are meeting someone. They might take it as a little weird. Instead introduce your self confidently as Erik, maybe even give yourself a male middle name if you are worried Erik is not enough. I know you say you have a high voice but do your best to talk more mono tone and that will go a long way. I think you will be fine honestly because you pass as male from your pics. Even one peep has a suspicion I doubt they would have the balls to say anything.