I am new here.
So i guess i have to introduce myself... And i have to make it as short as possible, so you won't get bored.
Well where do i start? First of all, i am FTM. I am pre-everything. Ever since i can remember myself i called myself a boy and asked everyone to call me a boy and a he, never a she. I wanted to dress in boy's clothes, play with toys, i hated dolls and everything girly and i still do. But of course i was constantly told by everyone around me that i was a girl and i had to act like a girl. This would make me very sad, probably even depressed (but i didn't know the term at the time).
When i was a teen i dressed like a normal guy would. I never wore dresses or high heels, or make-up, or anything pink, flowery and girly. If i tried putting on something girly it would make me feel very sad and uncomfortable. I hated all the changes my body was going through and i even tried harsh diets in an attempt to stop those changes from happening. It didn't help at all. That's when i became an angry and depressed teen, who secretly hated cis guys because i was jealous beyond my mind. All i wanted was to be a normal cis guy, i wanted my body to match who i was on the inside. Unfortunately, it wasn't meant to be.
I tried to live as a female. It didn't work out. I was constantly depressed and uncomfortable in my own skin. More importantly, it wasn't the real me. The real me is a guy, not a girl. I couldn't express myself and i felt miserable.
As i said i am pre-everything, so even though i am still biologically a female, at least i stopped trying to be a female and i started wearing men's clothes again. It makes me feel much better, it makes me feel comfortable. I will get a haircut soon too and i am hoping to have the top surgery asap. This is more important than starting T, because my chest dysphoria is so huge and i hate this part of my body so much that i need to get rid of it asap. I want to have a beard and a lower voice too but this can wait.
Talking about the bottom surgery - i still haven't decided if i want one or not... It's a very expensive procedure and i don't have the money for it. So this is one of the biggest problems. Also, i am really afraid of this surgery. Even thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. Plus, i am worried about complications. On the other hand, i don't want to be incomplete. If i am gonna be a man, i want to be complete. I don't want to have a body part down there which cis men don't have. I am gay (i am into guys) so i can't even imagine having a gay boyfriend and being only half-guy. I don't think a gay guy would like this. And i certainly don't want to be a gender variant. I want to be a man since i can't stand being a woman. For me, there is no "in-between", it has to be either this or that.
Ooooh, everything is so difficult.
Anyway, i also want to say that i have never had a boyfriend cos i hate straight guys and gays aren't interested in me for very obvious reasons. I hate straight guys because of the way they make me feel. They worsen my dysphoria to unbelievable levels because they like everything i hate about myself. I don't want to be seen as a female because it's too disgusting to me. It makes me feel awful and i can't even imagine having a straight boyfriend because it would mean i would have to be a female in that relationship and i refuse to be one. So it's better to be alone than to be a female. Period.
I am also very lonely, i have no friends because everybody think i am too weird for them. Girls think i am too masculine and i am a lesbian. Plus, i am not too interested in having girl friends because all they wanna talk about is clothes, make-up, boys and other stupid things. I don't wanna hear all the gossips and other stuff. Guys think i am a lesbian too so they don't go close to me. Even if they do they still think i am very weird, because they don't know i am trans so they are like "What??? You are into guys? But... you are like a guy yourself!!!". They don't know you can be trans and gay and i don't wanna explain myself to everyone i meet. I used to hate being seen as a lesbian but now i just don't care anymore. If they want to think i am one they are free to do so. But i am not gonna dress and act like a woman just to please some people i don't even care about.
I am constantly sad and depressed because of this GID thing. It makes my life so hard. I know most of you can relate. I have had suicidal thoughts for many years now. I have never been happy in my whole life. I don't know what love means, i have never been in love with anyone.
Nobody likes me because they think i am so weird. As i said i can't be in a relationship with a straight guy but i can't be with a gay guy too, unless i transition. But when will this happen? I am not rich, i don't have all the money i need to do it asap. This is not a life, this is not something you can call a real life. I am barely existing. With no love, no friends. Sometimes i get extremely jealous when i see happy couples. They are perfectly satisfied with their gender and they are perfectly satisfied with their social role. Plus, they are in love. And i am alone, lonely and TG.
Well sorry if it was a bit too long. If anyone wants to be friends with me i would be more than happy to be friends with anyone - FTM, MTF, androgynous or any other gender variant you can think of.
Feel free to PM or e-mail me anytime!
I would love to talk to anyone! I really need someone to talk to, someone who knows what it's like to be TG, someone who can relate.
