Ello everyone!
Righty ho! The following isn't exactly graphic, but it's descriptive about my sexuality. Might make an Edwardian blush, not perhaps not anyone from post-1970. I'm quite a closet prude myself though, ahaha! So this is very difficult to write!
I seem to have two sex drives within my person, which each go with the two different identities I have. However, both identities and drives belong to the same person. I, as a person, do not change (still the same character) but my perspectives do change, as does my appreciation of things sexual. Any of this sound familiar so far? :-p
At seven, at school during PE, I used to want to wear the girl's gymnast outfits, as they seemed pretty. There was also an air of excitement about wanting to do this that I didn't understand. As I was nowhere near puberty at the time, I wonder whether this was sexual and what it meant.I don't remember having any crossdressing fantasies apart from this at this age. My only noticeable trait was that I really loved my long hair.
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Later on, at around ten, I had a best friend who I used to do everything with, we were very close as friends. At my house he used to stay over and we'd sleep in the same bed, as I only had one double & no spare rooms. It never felt strange to me sharing with boys my own age though. However, when my best friend used to stay over, I sometimes used to dream/or actually experience my friend touching me sexually (I recognised that this was "sexual" but didn't have a proper grasp on what it meant). These experiences felt odd, but also comforting, a bit dis-concerting but also strangely natural. I still however am not sure to this day whether I dreamt them or they really happened. But what matters ultimately is how I felt about the experience.
I hit puberty (about 14) and started being interested in girls, however at exactly the same time, I felt a strong drive to want to cross-dress, especially sexually. I would imagine myself being restrained (tied up) and wanting to wear things that would constrict my waist (corsets basically, yet I had no idea what the concept of a corset was until I was about 15). However I would be thinking about girls I fancied, yet I needed the tactile feelings and to feel delicate and helpless in order to feel properly turned on.
This has carried on throughout my teens and into my twenties. It took me a long time to feel comfortable actually having sex with females, as it just never felt right and I was too nervous. Since having partners and having sex, I've noticed that I do enjoy being the "pitcher" as a straight male would, but that I don't seem to want to identify as the man as such. I'm uncomfortable and find it hard to get turned on unless I feel pretty in some way and I also need to be kissed a lot and experience lots of tactile sensations. Straight girls I have been with have said that physically I act like any straight guy would in bed, but yet the "triggers" and the things that seem to really turn me on remind them more of themselves. A bisexual girl I dated said that she felt she needed to treat me like another girl in order to get me to perform like a man.
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When I date girls, my automatic reaction used to be try and prettify myself and appear more delicate etc, until I realised that this was exactly the opposite behaviour that straight girls look for in a straight man! So I started copying how my other male friends attracted girls, which helped to conform me a little more.
Though I am highly attracted to women in a physical sense and only go for women, I have always felt... "receptive" to male attention. It just has always felt natural to want to look attractive in front of guys who I've mentally acknowledged are attractive in some way. I don't get turned on by looking at guys, but if they say certain things to me or behaviour a certain way, its like they are pushing buttons in my head, and I start to feel attracted. This totally freaks me out, as I don't understand it. It's like an override function for my straight sexuality that I can't really control. However, whoever I'm attracted to - I am still the same person, and I still feel the same faintly androgynous identity.
My attraction to women feels very physical, very mechanical almost. Feels natural though and I adore getting intimate with women. When I am feeling more feminine and my attraction seems skewed towards more male attention however, the feelings are more emotional and more mental, and I can feel the switch between drives.
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Can pre-natal estrogen exposure make your body more sensitive and therefore you have a more "feminine" sex drive and arousal pattern?
What EXACTLY is a male sex drive, what is it like having a male sex drive?
I don't feel any more manly when I'm with a woman though, though I feel satisfied when I please a woman using my male parts. My "attraction" towards males occurs when they make me feel more delicate and pretty and they want to give me more attention than I'd get if I were with a female. However, recently I dated a girl and we both wanted to play with gender. It was wonderful being able to be with a girl, please her and also get my own attention and feel more feminine. Once again I didn't feel any more masculine even though I enjoyed it. I do increasingly think about guys however, where I am the female.
What is real?!
Do I have a default straight female sex drive with masculine drive bolted on at puberty? Or is it the other way around? Or am I just ultimately bisexual and androgynous... Interested to hear everyone else's own thoughts :-)
