oh i thought it would be better now D:<

[BeefxCake]

so my whole life i had never knowingly had a crush on anyone i'v enever been in a relationship and i didn't plan on being in one.

not too long ago i relaised oh i like women. that's why.  and so since realizing that i then realize i totally have a crush on a friend of mine.

and i also realize that these feelings go back to about may april. she's been my phones background since march. i can't say that for many people.

she really makes me so happy. we can joke and be ourselves around each other and she's talented and funny and.. well she's perfect.

we've cuddled on several occasions she doesn't seem bothered by that. heck yesterday we had  sleepover with a few friends and we shared a bed and spooned the whole night. then the proceeding morning resulted in more cuddling and massaging and head scratches from me and her. hell we grab each others butts all the time, like it's a fricking handshake.

she knows i openly compliment her on her looks, she might think i am joking because that's just the way she is. and that's the problem, i wonder if she thinks im always joking with her.

i sent her a few texts today and she eventually got to this hole joking conversation about "make me a sandwhich. " of course i protested then she goes "big guy, if you want some of this your gonna have to whip out a sandwhich." then i said i wanted it. asked her what kind she wanted and im seriously brining her a sandwhich and she just thinks im being funny but i'd really do anything for her.

she's not against eh the lgbt community. TMI but we RP all the time. two guys, characters of ours, and tehy're totally in love and she thinks it's great and sweet. where as another friend of mine would be totally apauled.


also to top the cake she's mormon. nothing against mormons, hell i love what they got going for family life, being so close and whatnot but i think most of their views are childishly ignorant. especially regarding the lgbt stuff. also whatever the deal is with alcohol and coffee and tea.

also also she's leaving in 6 months for a mission out of the country. she'll be gone for a year and a half. i about cried. right there in front of her when she told me and my friends.

but yeah im really confused, there's no way i would ever be a mormon and i have no idea if she would ever not be one or marry out of her church if it ever got to that. and it sickens me inside but i just really like her and i have all these mixed signals coming from her and oh it just didn't get easier when i figured out my sexual orientation, nope not at all..

[BeefxCake]

I just wanted to add onto this post above, rather than make two seperate posts on nearly identical things.

I keep seeing her, I saw her yesterday, Friday, and I really can't get over her. I think I'm in love. I feel like if it were just  alittle crush i could glance to someone else and pick up another crush but no, i can't shake her out of my head and it's horrible because i know i can't have her, especially not right now.

she got her mission letter in the mail, she's leaving in about a month, november 6th. I was ready cry right there on the spot. that's so much sooner than i expected and my feelings for her aren't getting any weaker. I still have no clue if she's even into me. i feel like she might be catching onto my actions.

forinstance we were watching futuramam cuddling ont eh floor in a pile and while she was distracted by teh tv i was totally staring at her, she looked down and gave me a look. like no stop that. then laughed it off as it just being  ajoke. 

oh im just really sad she's leaving and i know the best i can do is send her packagees and letters.

it was funny her sister mentioned something like, oh my is this going to become the notebook with you two, she laughed it off and i did too sort of but inside i was just hoping please i do hope so.

love sucks ya know?

[BeefxCake]

figure i'd just keep adding to my rant thread since it's all related, no sense making new topics everytime.

so I told the girl int eh above post about my being trans, she was more than ok with it. actually since this post i've told quite a few people and all of them have been fine with it, totally supportive. I really do have the best friends in the world. her reaction was this, i told her and she just smiled and understood, patted my ass like nothing happened then took me inside to cuddle ont eh couch and watch cheesy kunf fu movies. it couldn't have gone any better, seriously. but now i really don't know if she's got feelings for me too or not cuz i told her i like girls and she just acted like she did before around me. maybe im overthinking i don't know.

also told my roomate, who was also just fine with it all.


but coming out to people has been getting easier. now college is crushing me down. i got homework out the ears and I can never seem to get ahead and it's been hard. i know it's like this for supposedly everyone yet i still feel so drowned. im happy it's almost frieday and i can just de stress at home...

tongith i'll be off to an lgbt support group. been wanting to go but couldn't muster up the courage so im going now.